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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU for starting to feel like I may want to return to work....

80 replies

FeelingMoreHuman · 10/08/2007 16:46

Dd is 7 months old and I always thought I'd be a sahm until yet-to-be-conceived-dc2 is a couple of years old. However, now that motherhood is here I'm starting to change my mind. I love my dd dearly but do feel that not only does she need more stimulation/interaction etc but so do I. Does this make me a bad mother? All the women in my family (and extended family) have stayed at home with their children until they were at least 5 years old and many are openly against mothers "adandoning" their dc's so young . How can I can convince them that I'm not being selfish? Come to think of it...am I being selfish?

OP posts:

ScottishMummy · 10/08/2007 20:45

i returned after 6months - it is a personal decision. i missed my work, my colleagues and the responsibility.. Only you know what is the right thing to do, do trust your own judgment and do what is right for u.

you can not please everyone, and yes some people make emotive comments eg abandonment. frankly u can not vicariously live your life to please other's

Happy mummies come in all shapes/sizes/modalities - some work, some SAHM, some study - many do a mix of these things..hey what ever works for you

Re: Zenia i like her posts. always an alternative view i like that she is unflappable and never annoyed or bothered about responses to her.imo, if she wants to go back to work asap fair enough her choice

LaDiDaDi · 10/08/2007 20:51

I went back to work when dd was 8 months though really I only stayed off for so long because I wanted to be off over Xmas and New Year!

I love dd but I found those months at home quite dull, especially as we headed into winter and it was harder to get out. I really think that I would have developed depression if I had stayed off much longer.

However, I do now, aged 15 months, find her great fun and wish that perhaps I could spend a little more time with her (currently work full-time). I think that I will stick with full-time now but when I have yet-to-be-conceived dc2 I will go back sooner (unless it would mean working Xmas but probably work less.

Do whatever is right for you, your dc and your dp/dh. It has bugger all to do with anyone else!

tribpot · 10/08/2007 20:52

ScottishMummy - I agree with you. Xenia has a much more radical view on these matters than me, but one thing we do agree on is this whole "if it's okay for the dad, why not for the mum?" approach. As dh and I have always co-parented 50-50 (if not 75-25 in his direction) this is our norm. But I would venture to say it isn't for the majority of people.

puffylovett · 10/08/2007 20:57

No I don't think you're being selfish. It's very hard when you have been in the workplace for so long, to all of a sudden step out of it and face the (sometimes drudgery ) of endless housework, ironing and nappy changing. It can actually overshadow the best parts of motherhood.

IMO if you wish to return to work, part time is a nice way to do so - you get the adult brain stimulation and you treasure the time you DO get with your baby.

Saying that I'm due to go back in Oct and absolutely dreading it ! I swing between feeling as you do and desperately wantying to stay at home with LO ! and I'm only supposed to be doing 2 days pw ! pah

ScottishMummy · 10/08/2007 20:58

tribpot yes women are judged v harshly regards childcare decisions, expected to do everything uncomplainingly and pilloried if they don't, imo childrearing is joint responsibilities/shared role not simply gender assisgnation

Judy1234 · 10/08/2007 21:03

Most women work now and always have done. It's the stay at homers who are bizarre so you're normal. Get back to work. Many women have done it a lot earlier than you. Why is it selfish when children can be better if both parents work? It's win win - see countless other mumsnet threads to the same effect. Sadly you have been born into some kind of 1950s timewarp family. For the sake of your daughter and other women you need to get back to work whatever the family thinks - prove how wrong they are in their Stepford Wives martyrdom.

ScottishMummy · 10/08/2007 21:06

hi Zenia - i was just talking about you

tribpot · 10/08/2007 21:09

It isn't a 1950s timewarp, Xenia. It is a perfectly valid choice for a family, whether it be the mum or - in my family's case - the dad. And she has nothing to 'prove' in convincing the rest of her family they are 'wrong', they've just made a different choice. Still a valid one. If FMH doesn't want to make the same choice, she should feel enabled to do so, but not by denigrating the choices made by other people in her family.

LyraBelacqua · 10/08/2007 21:14

Typical Xenia. Most SAHMs are not 'Stepford Wives' and certainly not bizarre. Do you have any figures for the number of women who work and those who stay at home?
Why can't you promote going to work without slagging off SAHMs?
Feelingmorehuman, you might find working part time is the answer, it certainly is for me. I really want to spend a lot of time with my boys while they're little, but not all of my time. A couple of days a week might give you more of a balance and some much-needed adult interaction.
If you decide not to go back to work, get out to as many activities as you can. There's nothing more boring than being stuck at home with the children all day every day. Take them out places and meet other mums.

adorabelle · 10/08/2007 21:16

Xenia, that's a bit harsh calling SAHM 'Bizzare'.

I'm a SAHM and enjoy it very much. Dd is 3 now and will begin nursery in September, she's only doing 6 hrs a week and I doubt i'll get a job which allows me to work those 6 hrs she's in nursury. I'll get a part time job, around school hours next year when she's at primary.

I have chosen not to go back to work. I didn't want to miss out on a minute of dd's life. Friends of mine have made the decision to go back to work when their child was 6-12mnths old and for that I respect them. It makes them a good mummy by having that outlet to go to work.

I hope your comment was a flippant one, as I think many Sahm's would be mighty pissed off by you describing them as odd.

ScottishMummy · 10/08/2007 21:16

i think taking entrenched ideological views whether it be the usual much toutrd

Position A= Working mums are negligent, abandoning their babies in greedy pursuit of career etc,
Position B = SAHM is drudgery, subjucation to domestic chores, unambitious stepford wife

WAHEY - Maybe there is another way....stick ideological dogma somewhere dark..do what u want

Judy1234 · 10/08/2007 22:11

No don't take the part time option either. It's for wimps and it merans you have the worst of all possible worlds and no proper career and your income becomes that dreadful pin money thing and your husband put on some kind of pedestal because he earns more.

LyraBelacqua · 10/08/2007 22:13

Xenia, you are so unbelievably rude.

CrookshanksinJimmyChoos · 10/08/2007 22:14

Am at the part time option is for wimps!!!! What a sweeping generalisation that is Xenia!!

I would have thought going back full time and leaving the main bulk of your child's care to a stranger is perhaps the more straightforward, easier option...but hey.....

ScottishMummy · 10/08/2007 22:22

Xenia - your stance seems so dogmatic, i guess try empathise and accept whatever works for each individual mum is fine , you are coming across as very disingenuous and frankly judgmental your choice of language is very rude

LyraBelacqua · 10/08/2007 22:22

I work part time and it's actually the best of both worlds beause I get to be part SAHM and part WOHM. And i certainly don't put DP on a pedestal because he earns more. He'd still earn more if I worked full time because he's a bit older and started his career earlier. Neither of us cares about who earns what anyway.

LyraBelacqua · 10/08/2007 22:24

Scottishmummy, when have you ever known Xenia not to be judgemental and disingenuous? That's just the way it is - her way is right, everyone who disagrees with her is wrong.

nooka · 10/08/2007 22:30

I don't think that part time work is for wimps, but I do think that for many woemen it does mean working harder at work to show that you are as good/committed as the full timers, and still holding all the domestic responsibilities. If that works for you, or if work is just for the social aspect then of course that's fine, but my observations of women with young children working part time is that it can be very hard work (unless it is a shared arrangement with your dh, in which case at least the home side is an even playing field). Re your relatives my mother told me (pre children) that having children was every woman's vocation, and has often said how said it is that "x" has had to go back to work, FIL also has very traditional views, however neither have ever criticised me when I went back to work full time when both of mine were babies, so you never know, they might actually cut you some slack.

I do think the crucial thing is that you are really happy with whatever childcare you put in place. I had a nanny when the children were tiny. It was expensive, and pretty much used up one of our salaries, but it was very unstressful all round, and the children seemed very happy, which in turn made us happy. I have to say I don't personally think that toddlers are much more fun than babies. It is now that my children are in primary school I am thinking of reducing my hours / working term time. I think that children need their parents more when life becomes more complicated (the minefields of school friends, homework etc). When they are tiny they just need comfort, continuity and fun, and my view was that they got that more from someone who had made a positive choice that they loved being with babies, than with me, who really did not.

ScottishMummy · 10/08/2007 22:32

the OP asked for opinions, not generalised scathing aspersions about SAHM Vs Working...lets support her..not be mean to each other

LyraBelacqua · 10/08/2007 22:41

I try not to let her rudeness annoy me but it does every time. I believe i have answered the OP...

foxcub · 10/08/2007 22:42

Personally I couldn't be a SAHM - it just doesn't give the intellectual stimulation - lovely though my DCs all are. I'm n mat leave atm and staying at home is bloody hard work and I can't wait to go back to work for a rest!!!

You are certainly not being unreasonable to want a life and career outside of the home. It is what makes you a rounded person.

I feel a bit of those who work p/t as they have the best of both worlds - the cash and stimulation of having a career plus time with their DCs.

I do agree though that p/t workers often work harder than f/t in order to get the job done, yet often get given the crap projects 'cos they are perceived by f/t colleagues as "only being p/t" - this is reflected in the fact that Mothers are the most discriminated against group paywise according to the Equal Opps Commission. Most p/t workers are women and p/t workers generally earn less per. hour than their f/t colleagues.

ScottishMummy · 10/08/2007 22:47

LyraBelacqua - my comments were not addressed at you..actually those who chose to bemoan other mums choices

Original poster

FeelingMoreHuman · 11/08/2007 13:46

Thank you all again. Really didn't want this to end up in a moaning session, so am taking each view point with a pinch o' salt! Can completely understand points re working pt - not sure how my employers will react as I am part of a very young (not necessarily age, but also in how they live their lives) team and NONE of them have children! I don't see how working pt is being wimp-ish....If I was lucky enough to get an opportunity to do it I could see my day running as this:
Wake early to get ready before dd wakes, do breakfast wash and dress for dd, drop dd off at nursery, go to work on dodgy public transport, leave in a mad rush for fear of missing train, pick up dd as well as go shopping for groceries, get home and spend some quality time with dd, then try keep her entertained etc whilst cleaning house, preparing dinner etc, eventually it's dinner and bath and bed time for dd. collapse on sofa to eat hurridly cooked spagbol. up again to clean kitchen wash dishes etc, prepare for the next and finally pass out in bed at goodness knows what time! Doesn't sound all that easy to me! How do people manage, whether working part or full time? Do most have cleaners etc? I know I certainly couldn't afford that luxury!

OP posts:

Elasticwoman · 11/08/2007 15:23

It seems that if you go back to work, your family will disapprove, and if you don't, Xenia will call you something worse than a wimp. You can't please everybody. Have you made a list of the pros and cons? Only you know your full circumstances.

When you say you wouldn't be able to afford a cleaner, do you really mean that by the time you've paid for childcare and travel expenses there will be no money left at all? So you will be working just for the job satisfaction and maybe the pension contributions?

motherinferior · 11/08/2007 15:27

Can I just say that the income I earn four days a week exceeded the income my partner worked five days a week for about four years; and although he now earns more than he used to, my earnings are not considered 'pin money'. Nor is my career considered less important than his.

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