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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU for starting to feel like I may want to return to work....

80 replies

FeelingMoreHuman · 10/08/2007 16:46

Dd is 7 months old and I always thought I'd be a sahm until yet-to-be-conceived-dc2 is a couple of years old. However, now that motherhood is here I'm starting to change my mind. I love my dd dearly but do feel that not only does she need more stimulation/interaction etc but so do I. Does this make me a bad mother? All the women in my family (and extended family) have stayed at home with their children until they were at least 5 years old and many are openly against mothers "adandoning" their dc's so young . How can I can convince them that I'm not being selfish? Come to think of it...am I being selfish?

OP posts:

motherinferior · 11/08/2007 15:28

And the idea that I put my partner on a pedestal for any reason, let alone his earning power, is quite frankly risible.

Elasticwoman · 11/08/2007 15:32

You don't sound very inferior to me, Motherinferior.

Aha - perhaps ironic nickname?

motherinferior · 11/08/2007 15:45

Ah, you should see my mothering skills. If you do - you'll probably have to use a microscope - can you point them out to me?

lljkk · 11/08/2007 15:49

Perhaps I'll change my talkname to BizarreStepfordWifeWimpAndMartyr. Has a nice ring to it, don't you think? And where did I put my husband's pedestal? Must be near the permanent boot-print I keep placing on his arse....

I went bck to work parttime after each of my children were born coz I needed to. And I stopped work when youngest was 1yo...because I needed to. It's not F*ing all or nothing.

Elasticwoman · 11/08/2007 16:02

Motherinferior: financially supporting your children - v important skill which I am crap at. Unless you spend the whole lot on ice cream for yourself, of course.

Elasticwoman · 11/08/2007 16:02

By the way, Xenia - Gisajob! I can do that!

amidaiwish · 11/08/2007 16:40

haven't read whole thread (will do...) but remember if you do decide to go back to work that you're not signing up for life and can stop if it doesn't work out for you. try it and see.

both mine went to nursery from 8m old and i went back to work p/t / short days and they are fine, love it there.

remember - people who criticise you often don't have the option themselves. With the cost of childare you have to be earning well to be able to afford it / justify it. So do what is best for you and your family, not anyone else.

amidaiwish · 11/08/2007 16:43

oh and by the way, my mum was a SAHM and completely supported my intention to go back to work.

MIL (and 2 SILs) were shocked i was going back. and even more shocked i was "dumping" them in nursery. however they didn't say much (didn't dare) and now they have to admit my DDs are fabulous, sociable, well adjusted, confident blah blah... and have thrived from their time at nursery.

imnot27 · 11/08/2007 16:55

Feelingmorehuman LOL at your idea of working day, v similar to mine! But I only have two working days a week, so thats how I cope. Don't hacve a cleaner etc as can't afford one, but ds2 goes to local pre school for 2 hours on one of my days off so I do the hoover manouvre then! You are not being slefish at all, it wii be good foe everyone if you feel happy with your week, whether that's working, staying home, whatever!
Re your young team - it is hard to push new boundaries when you're the only one, but it's probably worth a try. After all, they might settle down and have kids one day, and be grateful that you set an example of tolerant, flexible working for them!

nooka · 11/08/2007 19:02

Feelingmorehuman, are you a single mum? Otherwise I would say that it sounds as if you are just about to do the classic, going to work but holding all the domestic duties route. If you can at all avoid this do. Otherwise you will be exhausted and resentful. If you have a partner, get him to do something too - this is a change for your family, not just for you. If you are on your own, then either clean less, or see what help you can afford. Internet shopping is good too!

Judy1234 · 11/08/2007 21:02

She wants to go back to work. I've told her that's better for children never mind herself. Her choice is to work. I agree with that choice. If stay at homers what to put other views fine but I am supporting the poster in her proper choice in 2007.

ScottishMummy · 11/08/2007 21:14

Xenia- have a word with yourself!!!you use very emotive terms stay at homers lol sounds like confinement in the pound

i respect your view - please respect the diversity of others mums beliefs

foxcub · 11/08/2007 21:44

Feeling more human - well I think you have a very realistic view of what life will be like LOL!!

I work f/t and have 3 Dcs and have no cleaner (although I have promised myself one). My house is a tip, always full of friends and messy but lively. As long as you are happy, why worry about a bit of mess anyway

I am sure you will really enjoy the time with your LO and find work very fulfilling

tribpot · 11/08/2007 21:50

I'm actually laughing at Xenia's phrase "her proper choice". Snort-tastic.

foxcub · 11/08/2007 21:51

Surely it is quite proper for a mother to be able to choose to work in 2007?

tribpot · 11/08/2007 21:56

Of course, but what Xenia means, I venture to suggest, is that all mothers should choose f-t work outside the home in 2007. Hence the phrase 'her proper choice' meaning not 'her own choice' but 'that choice which I deem proper'.

I personally find it quite proper for a mother, or father, or both, to choose f-t work outside the home, and I find it equally proper for a mother, or father, or both (that's stretching it a tad, maybe?) to choose f-t work in the home.

ScottishMummy · 11/08/2007 21:56

my mum woked FT..happy chaos..council scheme kids so no money for a cleaner but happy upbringing

foxcub · 11/08/2007 22:00

trib - I dearly wish someone would pay me to work at home [wistful]!!

Does anyone remember the "wages for housework" campaign??

...or am I showing my age now?

3andnomore · 11/08/2007 22:01

In a way it is selfish, of course...however, there is nothing wrong with being selfish a bit, especially if it would benefit your family Unit, as obviously you are not happy as it is, therefore your family would benefit from you being happier.
Any chance you can get somehting part time....so, you all can get used to it? I assume, that money isn't really an issue and that the minimum you hvae to earn is to cover childcare to make it worth it finacially!
However...if money isn't an issue at all and you feel apprehensive about working because of family pressures...how about voluntary work...that way you do get the "stimulation" but no one can really badmouth you ;)

chocolateteapot · 12/08/2007 13:47

My answer to this is that if you want to go back to work, go back. I went back fulltime when DD was 6 months to finish the last 6 months of a contract. It turned into a bit of a nightmare with DD being sick etc and I was so knackered and stressed after the 6 months I did, I didn't do any work until 18 months ago (had another child in that time) when I started a small business from home.

With hindsight I have been off work much too long and I would have been much happier if I had had a job for 2 or 3 days a week. Only you can know if going back is the right decision for you.

When it comes to the rest of the family I think you have to develop a thick skin and do what you think is best for your family, not what might have been best for the other women and their families.

Judy1234 · 12/08/2007 15:35

stay at homers is less emotive than the usual rubbish about abandoning your children with "strangers" you see the housewives sometimes using.

3andnomore · 12/08/2007 19:38

lol at Xenia...had wondered where you were....

Judy1234 · 13/08/2007 15:38

I was with my father a bit. They thought he was dying but he seems to have pulled through which is great. Good example of an advanced man in the 1960s who shared housework, night feeds etc. as all reasonable intelligent men have always done. It was men that largely got us the vote even. We just need a mean of breeding the idle sexist men out or bringing them up so they are not so... perhaps, novel idea... by boys seeing mothers actually going to work.

speedymama · 13/08/2007 16:03

I went back to work part-time for 3 days a week when my DTS were 7 months old. They are now 3yo and have thrived.

Also, despite what some might say, my career has not been damaged by me working 3 days a week. I am paid my full time equivalent pro-rated. When I went back, I was given a technical project to manage and implement which required travel around the UK and liasing with different stakeholders. The feedback from the customer was excellent.

Recently, I was asked to take on role with a huge amount of responsibility. They could have asked the full time employees but they asked me instead. Similarly, last week I was contacted by another part of the organisation about a vacancy that they would like me to consider. They chose me based on my CV which they viewed from the electronic records. The fact that I am part-time did not deter them from approaching me.

Part-time working does not automatically equate to dead end job.

ScottishMummy · 13/08/2007 16:12

SpeedyMamma - i like your post
very positive, great story you are obviously a valued employee with professional skills, so yes as u say part time does not necessarily equate dead end

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