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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed at 'it was revolting'

80 replies

youkiddingme · 18/09/2019 19:39

I often cook for our adult disabled daughter to make life easier for her, batch-cooking the food and freezing it. I was too ill to take it over today, so DH did. He reported, 'she doesn't want the Thai soup again it was revolting' - now I had some and quite liked it. I can respect she didn't but was there any need to say 'revolting' - I get this a lot and frankly I'm peed off with cooking for people who say this. Tbh she gets it off her dad because he speaks that way about anything he dislikes. I've spoken out with him about it and he'll do better for a while then it will slip out again. I really feel like not cooking for anyone that speaks like that. "I don't like it" is fine, but no need to go on and be rude. When I objected to DH today about the word, he protested, 'but she had to bin it, it was that bad' as though that proved it really was revolting. He couldn't see my point at all.
But the thing is if I feed them both the same thing, one of them will really enjoy something the other finds 'revolting' so clearly it's a matter of taste not because I'm serving up food which is universally accepted as horrendous.

OP posts:
EatShitBoswell · 18/09/2019 21:02

Poor you OP that is so rude and ungrateful. There is no need for that at all. As you say, it's a matter of personal taste and your food is not revolting...and even if it was inedible, it's still an incredibly rude to say when someone has gone to the trouble of cooking for you. Can you talk to your daughter about this? You're very kind to do what you do so hopefully she'll rethink her attitude. I don't know about your husband, I don't think I'd cook for him if I were you.

Pumpkintopf · 18/09/2019 21:04

I agree, this is extremely rude and ungrateful and if your husband is modelling this behaviour he also needs to change his ways. I wouldn't cook for him either.

JumpyLiz · 18/09/2019 21:05

I know what I'd be cooking for the pair of them going forward.

It starts with F and A, and it's sweet.

Bluntness100 · 18/09/2019 21:06

I'm not sure I could get worked up about this, you know how she uses words, and it means she doesn't like it.

Is her disablity physical or mental, as this can also impact

HollowTalk · 18/09/2019 21:07

Was it that you were cooking it for yourself and she had some of it, or did you cook it especially for her?

Laska2Meryls · 18/09/2019 21:13

Just stop. Shes an adult and can get Cook meals or something like..

I bet she doesn't pay you for the meals you cook.. Disabled or not doesn't mean she should treat you like that.

Its just rude.. If someone has gone to the bother of cooking for me, I just eat it and say thanks, even if its not to my taste..

I definitely wouldn't cook for her again,.. (or your 'D'H either)

Hecateh · 18/09/2019 22:22

This bugs me so much with so many things. Particularly online. I really dislike that so many people just don't seem to grasp that there is a difference between.
'I really didn't like that' 'I hated that' 'that would never be my choice'
all acceptable as opinions regardless of what anyone else thinks
and
'That's horrible' That's disgusting' 'Anyone who thinks/does/believes ... is mad/bad/horrible'.

7yo7yo · 18/09/2019 22:34

Disabled thing is a red herring.
She’s rude, so is your husband. Stop being a mug and cooking for them.

Dollymixture22 · 18/09/2019 22:40

I assume she wouldn’t say this to your face, and she might be horrified that her dad had repeated it.

They might have been having a jokey conversation.

Tell her what her dad said, and tell her you were really hurt. See how she reacts. Explain you put a lot of effort into cooking for her to make her life easier, but if she doesn’t enjoy the food you will stop.

She will hopefully be mortified and remorseful. If she isn’t, stop cooking for her.

gavisconismyfriend · 18/09/2019 22:47

Unless her disability is such that she doesn't understand the impact of her words on others and/or has a limited vocabulary i.e. uses one descriptor such as "revolting" for a broad spectrum of dislike - both of which might be acceptable reasons for her saying what she did - then just stop cooking for her. Cook the food that you like and if she and/or your DH happen to like it too, then you could allow them to share it with you, if you wish to do so. If they don't like it, then they can cook their own!

Original poster
youkiddingme · 19/09/2019 11:56

Sorry to drip feed, I'm really not well atm, so this is getting to me but I'm not thinking that well about it, but part of the problem is that both Dd and Dh are supposed to be on special diets due to health reasons (different ones) and neither of them like what they are supposed to eat. Dd will say she needs my help to stick to the diet because it's so hard. She has carers to make her food but they will only really reheat stuff or make something really simple (lack of time) so the stuff she really needs making gets done by me and they can warm it up. But I'm making what she says she needs so she should be grateful. I do think DH probably took pleasure in relaying her remark, because he's not getting away with saying the same sort of thing to me without me being angry.
And DH is also supposed to be on a special diet, doctors orders, because he has pre-diabetes, high-cholestorol, and bowel problems they are monitoring. But of course he doesn't like it either and wants me to cook it but then moan about it.
So basically they are both wanting me to police their diet then they can moan at or about me, but that makes me feel rubbish.
Trouble is, I really want to say to both of them, fine eat rubbish and get ill or eat what I make you and be grateful, but I know if they did and got really really ill I'd blame myself, even though I know I shouldn't. Actually now I have written that down it doesn't sound so bad does it? I'm giving them the choice. Maybe that is what I should say.
Sorry, gone off on a tangent a bit, but all the comments you have made have actually really helped and made me think about it a bit more deeply.
Thank you.
Off back to sofa hog till I feel better.

OP posts:
Original poster
youkiddingme · 19/09/2019 12:05

Oh and Hecateh I don't think my DH, and to and extent DD, actually do see the difference between "I don't like that," and "it's revolting" - and this applies to how they express themselves generally. I keep trying to get across it's not the opinion, it's the lack of respect in expressing it. It's something that has arisen in them both (mostly DH) fairly recently (I don't know why) and I'm trying to combat it.

OP posts:
BringMoreCoffee · 19/09/2019 12:15

My son is autistic. We have a blanket ban on the word "disgusting" at the table, as a result of previous comments. A simple rule to remember and follow. Completely understand there is a lot underlying this in your family and you already have good insight into that. Neither DH or I would tolerate our children using such a word about something the other had cooked, let alone condone it & delight in it.

Loopytiles · 19/09/2019 12:16

Very rude. I would have strong words with her.

And wouldn’t be cooking for your H at all.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 19/09/2019 12:17

Well... They obviously don't like the efforts of your cafe...

They can cook for themselves....

Fuck that... Rude and ungrateful people aren't fes by me

SherbetSaucer · 19/09/2019 12:18

I really feel like not cooking for anyone that speaks like that

Don’t!! Just cook for yourself! You’re being walked all over!

madcatladyforever · 19/09/2019 12:18

My first husband used to say my cooking was inedible and disgusting (me and DS loved it). So I stopped cooking for him altogether.
Used to get the right hump coming home after work to find no dinner.
But actions have consequences.

Thornhill58 · 19/09/2019 12:19

I'll be so thankful even if I didn't love it. They are both rude.
If they can have an opinion they can also cook for themselves or eat pot nuddles.
You are very thoughtful and kind. Not many people can do what you do.

Shplot · 19/09/2019 12:21

My child is 9, severely disabled and helps with cooking and wouldn’t dream of saying something so nasty. Being disabled isn’t an excuse to be awful and unless she’s severely physically disabled she can at least help you cook or make salads etc
As for your husband I’d just tell him to sod off and make his own food.

YoungMummy94 · 19/09/2019 12:23

They don't understand how lucky they are! Completely see why you would stop cooking for them. I recommend giving them an ultimatum. They either change the way they speak to you, or they sort themselves out.

BlueJava · 19/09/2019 12:23

Sorry OP but you don't need their ungratefulness. YANBU - especially as you'd eaten it yourself. If it was a one off dish then maybe (one of my DS really hates lamb, cannot stand it) but to be consistently ungrateful and say it's "revolting" is horrible of them. However, lighten your load in future - stop cooking for them! They are on special diets? Then let them learn to deal with it themselves, don't feel forced into providing for them. You'll feel better with less today and not have their complaints! If they come to you with "You used to cook X for us..." then just say something like "Sorry, I don't have the time at the moment" or "Well I wasn't sure you liked it so I've stopped" and leave it at that. They both sound extremely rude to me.

timshelthechoice · 19/09/2019 12:29

So stop enabling them by cooking for them.

RosaWaiting · 19/09/2019 12:29

I’m not clear about your DD but your DH can certainly cook his own food.

HoomanMoomin · 19/09/2019 12:30

They would be promptly going on a diet of fuck all in my house. Even my 4 yo DD is not allowed to say ‘disgusting’ about my food without consequences. It’s usually my DH who puts her in place about it.
And ‘revolting’ is such a strong word that it doesn’t even come to our mind without specifically looking for stronger word iyswim.

ChuckleBuckles · 19/09/2019 12:37

My sister is the diet police for her husband too, similar to yours he has a range of problems that are (self inflicted) diet related and can be relieved or controlled by eating well. She bends over backwards to try to get him to eat well and be healthy, he is arrogant and rude about her efforts, so she just stopped cooking for him.

Cue cries (prompted by her DH) from her adult children about "poor old dad" and his declining health, her DC soon shut the hell up when she first of all pointed out that he was told by his GP what to eat and what to avoid and he was ignoring all medical advice, and secondly he was a grown man who was capable of making the right choices but instead hangs around the local chipper like a mardy teenager not eating the dinner mum cooks for him.

TLDR version: They are adults that are capable of cooking for themselves, they may be more grateful of the effort that goes into making their own meals everyday when they have to do it themselves. Just cook for yourself OP and put your feet up.

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