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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed at 'it was revolting'

80 replies

youkiddingme · 18/09/2019 19:39

I often cook for our adult disabled daughter to make life easier for her, batch-cooking the food and freezing it. I was too ill to take it over today, so DH did. He reported, 'she doesn't want the Thai soup again it was revolting' - now I had some and quite liked it. I can respect she didn't but was there any need to say 'revolting' - I get this a lot and frankly I'm peed off with cooking for people who say this. Tbh she gets it off her dad because he speaks that way about anything he dislikes. I've spoken out with him about it and he'll do better for a while then it will slip out again. I really feel like not cooking for anyone that speaks like that. "I don't like it" is fine, but no need to go on and be rude. When I objected to DH today about the word, he protested, 'but she had to bin it, it was that bad' as though that proved it really was revolting. He couldn't see my point at all.
But the thing is if I feed them both the same thing, one of them will really enjoy something the other finds 'revolting' so clearly it's a matter of taste not because I'm serving up food which is universally accepted as horrendous.

OP posts:

Juells · 19/09/2019 12:38

I have the rage just from reading this 😡

Everyone thinks women, and more particularly mothers, should have a hide like a rhinoceros and not mind how they're spoken to. "It's just our way" 😡

Introduce both of them to delivered ready-meals. I got a leaflet through my door from this firm, and thought it would be a great idea for my mother, save her cooking. www.wiltshirefarmfoods.com/

I bloody wouldn't bother my arse cooking for people who are so ungrateful. 😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡

lottiegarbanzo · 19/09/2019 12:42

Pair of rude ingrates.

'Not to my taste', 'I'm not keen, sorry', 'too spicy for me I'm afraid'. Fine. 'Disgusting', 'revolting', shockingly rude.

The difference (obviously!) is between subjective and objective statements. 'It's not to MY taste' versus 'IT is bad'.

'It was so bad she had to bin it' means it was off, faulty, intrinsically bad.

Just stop and let him cook for her.

Next time he asks your opinion on his clothes, or anything else of his you're not so keen on, say 'you look revolting'. See if he's fine with that.

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 19/09/2019 12:45

How do you k is your daughter actually said it was “revolting”? You’ve said your husband speaks like this- maybe she said “oh dear I really don’t like this” and he reported that you you using his own words?

Your husband sounds like a lazy rude twat by the way.

AryaStarkWolf · 19/09/2019 12:47

I do think DH probably took pleasure in relaying her remark, because he's not getting away with saying the same sort of thing to me without me being angry.

That's really shitty, what your basically saying is your DH enjoys watching you get insulted and being made to feel like crap? That's horrendous.

Honestly I wouldn't be cooking for either of them again. Does you DH ever cook for you?

DonPablo · 19/09/2019 12:47

Get your dh to cook is the simple answer.

DarlingNikita · 19/09/2019 12:49

I do think DH probably took pleasure in relaying her remark, because he's not getting away with saying the same sort of thing to me without me being angry.

How babyish.

I'd tell him firmly that a) you've made clear before how words like 'revolting' make you feel and b) if he doesn't like the things you cook, he can do his own fucking cooking.

NearlyGranny · 19/09/2019 12:50

I wonder if she did say it, or whether DH put words in her mouth. I'd check that first.

Now DD is a bit of a different case, but I would stop cooking for DH altogether if he so much as pulls a face at something you put in front of him. He's an adult and can cater for himself. See how he likes them apples! You could call a halt for a month, see how he copes, what he says, how he likes his own efforts and be ready to take over again if and only if he shows proper appreciation. It's not your job to cook for him.

DD, if she has indeed been rude, needs to apologise to you. Again, it's not your job to cook for her. If she continues ride and ungrateful, I'd give her a week's notice and suggest she research ways of catering and paying. Don't be offering to pay for her meals!

Is she paying for ingredients? If you stop, she will have to pay for those, for cooking AND for delivery.

See how she likes them apples, too!

Treat yourself with the time and money you save! You're enabling a lot of selfishness at the moment.

viques · 19/09/2019 12:53

If you want to continue cooking for your ungrateful daughter then ask her for one dish she likes. And cook that, and only that. If she wants to be picky about food when you are clearly trying to give her a healthy varied and interesting diet then forget about varied and interesting and focus on the healthy.

cstaff · 19/09/2019 12:54

My mam is a fab cook and we all love going to her for dinner. There was one occasion (in 50 years) where she produced something which just wasn't to my taste - nothing wrong with it as the others all loved it. Instead of telling her "it was revolting" or some such I just mentioned quietly afterwards that it wasn't really to my taste and apologised (as I was terrified that she would never cook for me again . That is the only decent way to tell someone who is cooking for you regularly that you don't like something that they have cooked for you. OP just stop cooking and they will soon realise how childish they are being.

IncrediblySadToo · 19/09/2019 12:55

The pair of them need telling, very firmly, that you will NOT tolerate their rudeness.

Your DH is pre-Diabetic. He can reverse this if he chooses to, question is, does he choose to?

If he does, either buy the book The Diabetes Code by Jason Fung or read everything on his IDM website or listen to his free podcasts. It’s all there for free, it’s just a bit easier to read the book in some ways.

Diabetes.co.uk (thev ed one - not .org the blue one) is a brilliant site too, the Forum in particular is great

NHS staff are often still ‘recommending’ the healthy plate/food pyramid nonsense, if he follows that he will end up with diabetes. There’s a slow acceptance that low carb is the way forward, but it’s slow to reach the frontline staff and even then the majority of them don’t understand it well enough to be fully on board.

Its not a ‘new’ concept, it goes back decades, it’s how they dealt with diabetes before insulin was a thing, but the misinformation over the years has been diabolical.

Eating Keto & Fasting (even intermittent 16:8) will reverse it if he wants to. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk about any of it.

But he’s an able bodied adult who needs to take responsibility for his own health. Support is great, but you’re not his mammy.

DD is a different matter. You ARE her mammy and as she’s not capable of cooking for herself, relying on carers to prepare her meals I would cook for her. BUT depending on her mental ability to understand you’re POV, I’d either gently remind her that good manners dictate you aren’t rude. Or have serious words about her attitude if she doesn’t have SN.

Sending you strength to cope with it all 🌷

Girasole02 · 19/09/2019 13:00

Have had similar from a disabled relative. I just said 'you can eat it or leave it, there's no alternative choice'. Suddenly it wasn't quite a bad!
Develop a much tougher approach to save yourself.

StoatofDisarray · 19/09/2019 13:13

I don't have anything to add to the PPs suggestions and comments (yes, very ungrateful and completely out of order!), except to say that maybe you should just cook what you like to eat and they can eat the same food as you or lump it.

Londonmummy66 · 19/09/2019 13:34

A poster on a different thread recently mentioned that her FIL was a bit of a moaner. One day he complained that the meal she had cooked him was disgusting so she got up from the table. took his plate and scraped the rest of his meal into the kitchen bin. Surprisingly he hasn't complained since. Maybe one to try on your DH?

musicposy · 19/09/2019 13:34

I'd look at something like Wiltshire Farm Foods for your daughter (she can buy them herself online and they cater for every imaginable diet as hospitals and nursing homes use them). Her carers can microwave them and they're not bad meals. I'd make my husband do the cooking at home, or at the very least 50% of it. See how he likes it when he spends an hour on something and you say it's revolting.

This is how I solved the issue with DH and with my very fussy mum who is on a special diet. People start being a lot more grateful when you do less for them, actually.

Ohyesiam · 19/09/2019 13:39

I’m sure this has been said x1000, but stop cooking for them and they’ll open learn to either cook for themselves or be a whole lot more grateful. It’s just about acceptable for a preschooler to come out with this ( once, then they get told how unacceptable it is) but no way should an adult talk like this.
He doesn’t need to see your point either, he just needs to do as you ask.

Laska2Meryls · 19/09/2019 13:40

I really want to say to both of them, fine eat rubbish and get ill or eat what I make you and be grateful, but I know if they did and got really really ill I'd blame myself, even though I know I shouldn't. Actually now I have written that down it doesn't sound so bad does it? I'm giving them the choice. Maybe that is what I should say.

Yes do !! and dont think you should blame yourself , they are (effin ungrateful) adults...dont let them bully you , and let them police their own diets !

.. its not your fault ..

FizzyGreenWater · 19/09/2019 13:41

'Oh no I think YOU should be the one doing the cooking darling, I would feel awful making you all suffer - what was it again? - 'revolting' food! And as it usually tastes just fine to me I clearly have very coarse taste buds so really this job needs to devolve to you right now... and for ever.'

Laska2Meryls · 19/09/2019 13:42

oh and here is the Cook website' my widowed DF often has these when he doesn't feel up to cooking and they are really are good (and we sometimes have the curries rather than order a takeaway)

sillysmiles · 19/09/2019 13:51

I fully fall in the "if someone has cooked for you, you eat it" camp. It is ok to eat some and then say I've had enough but it is not ok to be rude about something someone has cooked.

Juells · 19/09/2019 13:53

musicposy
I'd look at something like Wiltshire Farm Foods for your daughter (she can buy them herself online and they cater for every imaginable diet as hospitals and nursing homes use them).

I mentioned them in a pp as well, re-posting your comment to focus people's attention on it 😂

I genuinely would let husband and daughter organise their own food from now on. If you're not even thanked, why would you bother? It's treating you like a skivvy - but at least a skivvy gets paid.

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/09/2019 13:55

"Trouble is, I really want to say to both of them, fine eat rubbish and get ill or eat what I make you and be grateful, but I know if they did and got really really ill I'd blame myself, even though I know I shouldn't. Actually now I have written that down it doesn't sound so bad does it? I'm giving them the choice. Maybe that is what I should say."

Bravo! Your right, it doesn't sound so bad. I'd definitely be doing it with your husband - he either eats what you cook and is appreciative, or he feeds himself. He's an adult, he can look after his own health. That will free up some headspace for YOU to look afters YOUR health.

As for your daughter - you posted "I often cook for our adult disabled daughter to make life easier for her, batch-cooking the food and freezing it." That suggests to me that although you cooking for her makes life easier, she could actually cook for herself. I would suggest to her pretty much what I'd be telling your husband - eat what I cook and be appreciative, or cook for yourself. None of this 'revolting' business, as an adult she absolutely knows it's rude.

TBH, I'd be not cooking for your husband anyway. "DH probably took pleasure in relaying her remark, because he's not getting away with saying the same sort of thing to me without me being angry." Petty of him. Plus, if you're not well, he should be relieving you of the work of cooking!

Beesandcheese · 19/09/2019 13:56

Wow. It's a subjective word. If you don't want to cook for others then don't. But you don't have to throw a hissy fit over it to get out of it.

Juells · 19/09/2019 13:58

Wow. It's a subjective word. If you don't want to cook for others then don't. But you don't have to throw a hissy fit over it to get out of it.

"You're only a woman, how dare you be upset at not being appreciated"

berlinbabylon · 19/09/2019 14:03

Your husband doesn't need massive changes to his diet, just the usual sensible ones, like less in the way of processed foods and less sugar.
What is there actually to dislike - why is he being silly about it?

Not sure about keto diet, that just sounds like a recipe for bowel cancer.

dontgobaconmyheart · 19/09/2019 14:06

Yes OP they're rude and you seem to have ended up as unpaid domestic servant for two adults? Why do you want to be doing that- nothing obligated you, not the fact you have a husband or the fact you have a daughter.

Your DH should be managing his own dietary requirements like any other adult- I do not cook for my DP unless I feel like it, and I rarely can be bothered. He doesnt think that is anything other than normal as we are both acutely aware he has an equal partner not a female slave.

I realise there feels for responsibility to your DD but she is also an adult and I'd put a stop onto the lot OP. Both can have microwave meals, your DH especially can just educate himself. Jesus wept- doing all that and then them thinking they can give you (rude) feedback as though your are in service. Seek out more for yourself OP, stop raising your DH as though he is your child. Take back your free time.

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