AIBU to be annoyed at 'it was revolting'

[youkiddingme]

I often cook for our adult disabled daughter to make life easier for her, batch-cooking the food and freezing it. I was too ill to take it over today, so DH did. He reported, 'she doesn't want the Thai soup again it was revolting' - now I had some and quite liked it. I can respect she didn't but was there any need to say 'revolting' - I get this a lot and frankly I'm peed off with cooking for people who say this. Tbh she gets it off her dad because he speaks that way about anything he dislikes. I've spoken out with him about it and he'll do better for a while then it will slip out again. I really feel like not cooking for anyone that speaks like that. "I don't like it" is fine, but no need to go on and be rude. When I objected to DH today about the word, he protested, 'but she had to bin it, it was that bad' as though that proved it really was revolting. He couldn't see my point at all.
But the thing is if I feed them both the same thing, one of them will really enjoy something the other finds 'revolting' so clearly it's a matter of taste not because I'm serving up food which is universally accepted as horrendous.

What? Err no. Why is she choosing to cook in the first place? Why because someone does not like something are they being rude to the person who made it? She might have said thanks and the game playing husband might have not passed it on. Are you just attempting to drag this into something that is your issue. PWorle call me revolting daily I assume it's their fucking problem. Just because im a woman I don't need incessant appreciat ion as I don't exist for the benefit of others.

There are all sorts of polite ways of indicating that you did not enjoy something you have been given to eat. They know them and could use them if they wanted.

It's plain rudeness - and revolting behaviour! You'd be entirely within your rights to shut the kitchen and let them fend for themselves. Both are after all adults, and you said your daughters carers will organise food?

If you can't bear to leave them to fend for themselves then maybe go on strike for a week or two or until you get a proper apology and promise that the word revolting will never be used again.

Why are you being such a doormat? Quite often one of my family will not like something I cook. They leave it and that’s the end of it. If I am cooking for just one of them they might say ‘not x thanks mum, I’m not keen on that’. If any of them used the word revolting that would be the last time I cooked for them until I’d had a very sincere apology

Recently I cooked a dessert with gelatine that went wrong. It genuinely was revolting. The only person to use that word was me!

Ungrateful bastards, and rude ones as well. Don't bother next time please. Disability of your daughter is not an excuse to be such a brat.

I guess it dependa on the family dynamics. If my mum made something we hated we might have told her it was vile. But it would be done with joking and love. My own kids tooo would say stuff to me and it is fine. But tbe other day I made choc chip shortbread and took some next door. Their adult kids (22 daughter and 20 boyfriend) took a piece each and decided instantly that they hated it, pulled awful face and spat it out into a napkin. Then spent ten minutes saying things like "eww, that is gross. But thankyou. But I just don't like it. But that's just me, I'm sure it is meant to taste like that. But yuck."... i was kind of pissed off as although we have a fairly close relationship, it felt like they were being deliberately dickish. And then the boy sat and picked at the tray, eating all tbe chocolate chips out! WTF dude. Ugh. Their little sister, mom and grandmom all liked it fine, so I know it wasn't just my cooking.

So YANBU and ask daughter and husband to be less rude as it upsets you. But tbey aren't necessarily being unreasonable to think it was revolting as to their palatte it might have been.

At some point, you can't care about other people being alive more than they do. Meanwhile, who's taking care of you? I think it's time for a strike. Daughter won't starve--let minders make her quick monotonous meals, see how she likes it. As for husband, let him start cooking since your food is so revolting it has to be binned. Otherwise, remind him that there's always bread and sandwich ingredients if that's what he wants. You go sneak out and have yourself a nice meal so you aren't hungry. Alternatively, tell him that from now on, you'll be calling for takeaways.

well, thats's the end of Mum Meals on Wheels

In cases a bit like this, I've had some success with calmly and kindly saying "so you have two choices and which ever you choose will be fine with me: you can be polite about my cooking or I can stop cooking for you. Totally your choice".

Not matter what ifs and buts and excuses come back I just keep saying "so which choice do you want?"

I think it makes it absolutely clear that there is not an option to be rude and still get your dinner cooked.

flyingspaghettimonster You were only kind of pissed off?!! They spat it out in front of you! Your neighbour's 'kids' were unspeakably rude!!

Didn't you say anything? I would have in no uncertain terms !

I know what I'd be cooking for the pair of them going forward.

It starts with F and A, and it's sweet.

Honey fajita?

Why doesn't your husband take over the cooking for himself and his daughter?

Your daughter is an adult. You aren't going to live forever. She needs to learn how to manage for herself (with the help of carers, if need be). And your husband can feed himself too.

Stop this. Stop being a doormat. It's not helping them, and it's definitely not helping you.

Did it have fish sauce in it, being a Thai soup? A lot of people do find even the slightest hint of fish sauce to be utterly revolting and completely inedible. I don't mind it myself, but can understand why she might have used that word if it did.

@Spinnaret Does it matter? If someone is going to the trouble of making your food day in/day out you don't tell them it's revolting, even if you think it is because it comes across as ungrateful and nasty. Most people would be more tactful than that

"Do you want me to continue cooking healthy meals even if they don't taste as good as other meals or shall I save myself the effort and not bother? Because I'm not going to have my cooking described as revolting when I'm putting in the effort to help you and it's not appreciated. So what do you want? Oh and by the way the second you start moaning again if you want me to continue, I'll stop putting myself in the firing line and you will need to sort your own food out. Your choice"

Your DH needs to learn how to express himself. So does your DD.
Why do you do it to yourself? Stop being the martyr. Tell them they can cook for themselves or go and eat takeaways. And if your DH doesn't like his diet, tough luck.
You talk about them like they are children but they are both adults.

It sounds as though they are frustrated at having to keep to diets that they don't like, and are taking it out on you. Maybe they are frustrated by their increased dependence on you due to their health issues. I wouldn't out it in terms of gratitude/ ingratitude as that highlights their dependence , but just emphasize that it's rude, and that they wouldn't like it if they produced something that wasn't to your taste and you called it 'revolting'. As regards your dh: it sounds as though he has no disability other than his dietary issues, so why can't he give up the dependence, prepare his own food from now on, and then if he finds it 'revolting', he has only himself to blame! I am not clear about your dd's disability (maybe I missed the relevant post). If she too has only the dietary issues, the same applies to her. If she has a very painful condition that is making her depressed and therefore irritable, or if, for example, she's autistic and may have sensory issues about the food combined with lack of understanding of social appropriateness, then I would be more lenient about it, but, in either case, still tell her that it's an unkind word to use and that you won't listen to complaints unless they're expressed in a kinder way. But one other thing occurs to me: I don't know what sort of relationship your dh has with your dd, but could he be trying to stir things up between you?

Sorry, 'put in in terms of gratitude/ingratitude', not 'out' it.

You need to get your daughter involved with cooking her meals. She obviously has her own place, so take her shopping for ingredients and then cook together. That way she has input regarding her likes and dislikes. Either that or like @viques said, ask her what isn’t revolting and fill her freezer with only one thing.

As for your husband, he’s a big boy. He can feed himself or starve.

As a pp suggested, something like Wiltshire Farm Foods would be ideal for your DD.

But DH needs to cook his own food!! Get him a diabetic cook book. This is what my friend did for her dad & he became quite enthusiastic at cooking his own food.

When somebody makes you food the only thing you should say to them is "thank you". You can compliment them on the cooking or you can leave some of the food and pass no further remarks. Both give a clear message without hurtful words.
Thats how Ive been brought up and am bringing my DC up to be.
Fine if you really dont like a food but there is no reason to be nasty about it. Its one meal . They wont starve to death if they really cant eat it. Leave it and the cook can file that meal away as unacceptable .
I really wouldnt cook for a rude and nasty person. If youre nice you can give them both the chance to explain themselves when you are all together.You can warn them that there will be no next time and if there is that is the end of your catering service.
Or if you're not nice (like me) just tell them anyway .

IME is really hard when people we love do or don’t do things that are likely to negatively affect their health, eg smoking, alcohol, food, inactivity, overwork, not complying with medical advice.

But we’re all responsible for our own choices and health.

Waiting on and “policing” a partner is not a good road to go down IME. Better to share your concerns about their choices, take care of yourself, and decide your own boundaries about the relationship.

I would talk to your daughter and check if she actually said that first. It's quite likely that whatever reaction she had or words she used have been translated by your DH into his favourite expression.

Definitely stop cooking for him.

If she actually said that then my actions would depend on how able she is. If she can cook them herself but it's hard work/too much hassle I'd definitely reduce the number of meals. If she's not able to actually cook them I'd keep doing it, even if she's being a dick about it.

AryaStarkWolf Just trying to offer a potential explanation for the apparently extreme negative from OP's daughter. And if you can't be direct with your family, who can you be direct with? MN is forever telling people to be more clear with family. I would far rather a family member expressed a dislike for something I have cooked so I know not to make it again than have faux gratitude.

The people I have known who dislike fish sauce have a genuine visceral reaction of revulsion to it. I recall one particular friend who didn't know I had put a tiny splash in a Thai noodle soup taking one spoonful and spitting it out. She just could not stomach it at all. Luckily, I am fairly robust when it comes to cooking, and wasn't in the least bothered.