Are my children "ungifted"?

[Puzzledbyart]

Please be kind, it is a stupid thread, but it does nag me somewhere deeply inside.

Just audited my friendship circle's offspring (children ranging in age from 2 to 12), and it looks like all of them have some special "superpower" in terms of abilities / interests. There's a fully fluent reader at 3y.o. A child aged 9 with highest grades in two musical instruments + a chorister at a famous choir. A sportsman competing at the national level. A math whizz, who is attending classes in secondary school now as he is way way ahead of the primary curriculum. A trilingual child, fully proficient at a native speaker level in all three languages. And everyone, just everyone seems to have their children on the "gifted and talented" register at school.

My children are 4 and 5, and are distinctly average in everything. Most of the time I am counting my lucky stars that they are just healthy and happy, but there are occasional days of doubt when I feel like I failed them in everything. Well, like today, when we had a playdate with a young friend similar to my oldest in age (5), and she created a comic book with a clear and engaging storyline, beautiful art and not a single spelling mistake, including expressions like "conifer trees" and "butterfly".

AIBU to ask you if you think that some children can be just naturally average, and there's no amount of effort that can make them excel at anything? Or did I miss something in their upbringing terribly?

I'll happily join the chorus of Distinctly Average adults who were very gifted children. And you know what.. my brother who was a Distinctly Average child (if not slightly below average) is the one who ended up with a PhD and a very successful international career (I stalled out with a third class bachelor degree). In Childhood I dare say it really doesn't matter so long as your children are happy and enjoying life and doing their best :) You don't need to be 'gifted' to be special.

@sarahandquack

There is a strong genetic component to autism. In face they told me it was rare for a chikd to be autistic without any blood relatives being the same. In our case both my mum and my sister are. I'm. Al

Interestingly, there is also a big link between autism and psoriasis which is also genetic. You are 5x more likely to have an autistic child if you have psoriasis. I had terrible psoriasis right before I was pregnant and apparently the inflammation can cross brain barriers.

Seriously just thank your lucky stars your children are happy and well.
My ds2 was ‘gifted and talented’ at school and very bright. He went to a grammar school 6th form where the pressure caused him to crash and burn with anxiety and depression. A very hard year later he appears settled and happyish in an apprenticeship.
By contrast ds1 who was distinctly average academically has flown through life has a good job and is doing really well.
Just focus on them being happy - that’s all that matters.

Oh and the musical child IS very talented by the way.I had 3 grade 8s at 12, my sister had 3 grade 8s at 10 and we are both professional musicians now. Most professional musicians did it between 8 and 12 (I was a late bloomer ;) )

BUT I also know some INSANELY talented professional musicians who never got grade 8 at all, and some who got grade 8 at 18 just to get into music college. The grades themselves mean quite a lot to children, but nothing at all to professional musicians.

2 grade 8s at 9 is an incredibly amazing achievement and the child is clearly talented :) Hope that helps with understanding the UK musical grade system. I suspect the child will go for the diploma next if they can be bothered and will likely either go to secondary school at Purcell School/Chethams etc or will start spending saturdays in London at junior music college. I wouldn't necessarily advocate for either, I did the second option and lost out a LOT socially because I was never around on saturdays.

Children just differ. My 5 children did a lot of music and 3 won music scholarships at 12+ and I have 4 grade 8s etc and am pretty musical although I picked law and graduated at 20; law tends to pay better!.

However children develop at different paces and it's best not to compare yourself with others all the time as it is rarely a route to happiness. My children's father is an organist and his view is that children starting their instruments at 7 tend to do just as well as those who start at 4 years old.

Your kids are normal. At their ages the number one thing after their basic needs being met is, are they happy? The next is do they have any areas they need extra help (eg my dd is dyslexic diagnosed at 6), but beyond that don't worry. Highly gifted kids often come with lots of other issues especially anxiety in my experience and by 16/18 they often have been caught by the happy tortoises of life. Being great at maths at 9 or grade 8 piano at 12 or a gifted chorister really is of no consequence when they miss most of years 10&11 due to anxiety ... this is my world

They sound perfect to me.

If you tried 'boasting' more, then this would solve it, but then you would be just like them. So, you are just not exaggerating enough. You and your children sound perfect to me. Dont change!

I think a child who is averagely bright but works hard will go further in life than a child who is brighter but lazier or less resilient.

Myself and my eldest have always found studying easy. We always got great grades with no effort. We've struggled to adapt when we have to put effort in and I've always taken the easy route in life.
Eldest dc is currently hating the long hours and hard work needed in his first job. Hasn't given in yet but isn't happy despite acing the professional qualifications with little studying. Colleagues who are used to studying hard are spending long hours studying as well as working but seem more content with their job.

Being naturally bright isn't always a good thing.

To be perfectly honest I think I'd much prefer to be perfectly average my whole life than to be g&t at a young age (as I was) and end up a perfectly average adult with no real special talents (but a nerdy streak a mile wide)

I was top of the class (and had grades among the top 10% in the country) for all of the STEM subjects and it was expected that I would go on to excell in something scientific.

I did not, and came down to earth with quite a bump, which was exactly as good for my self esteem and sense of self worth as you would imagine it to be.

My DS is very advanced with maths and has been having maths lessons at the secondary school since he was 4 and he's fluent in 2 languages. But at 6, nearly 7, he can't use a knife and fork and still eats with his fingers. He can't write as he can only hold a pencil in his fist. Musically he's tone deaf. And he loves sport but doesn't yet realise that he's rubbish at it
Well, see, everything after the first sentence almost equally applies to mine. They developed tripod grip, but when colouring in or drawing, will still hold pencils with their fist.
How talented the child should be to attend secondary school for maths lessons at the age of 4, I cannot even start to imagine. Mine were / are counting to 20 at that age, and just started recognising basic shapes. Writing and reading is also not at any advanced level here, even though I seemed to do everything "right" - I read to them every day in the morning and in the night, but there's no way they will pick up a book and try to read it independently, and I am simply amazed at the children who do that.

This helps me when I feel a bit insecure when friends compare dc:

Let us be lovely, let us be kind
Let us be silly and free
It won't make us famous
It won't make us rich
But damn it how happy we'll be!

I've seen someone's dc in tears after losing in a sports completion because his parent shouted at him. He was under a lot of pressure and it was meant to be a sport for pleasure. I then noticed a majority of the other children were from the same culture. Later found out that these parents were also paying for extra coaching. The dcs looked miserable. Sometimes success comes at a price and sometimes it's their mental health.

Sad truth is your child is going to get a lot further in life being attractive personable competent and someone others like having around than playing the trumpet to grade 8 or having a first in maths.

I agree with others, raising happy children is the most important thing. I was in G&T at school, but I've totally failed in becoming someone with a high powered well paid career, which is what my parents wanted for me. I did tons of extracurriculars as well as volunteering, at least three nights a week until 17. I had no life of my own. The pressure to 'achieve' caused a decade of anxiety and depression, as well as a lot of identity issues due to my people pleasing attitude.

A lot of people comment on how articulate 3yo DD is, she has always been ahead of her milestones, she can now spell some simple words, she is undoubtedly bright but I have no intention of pushing her like I was pushed. I'd much rather she was happy than a genius.

MsTSwift - a first and being pleasant aren’t mutually exclusive.

I think I remember seeing a Robert Winston programme when he was talking about young primary DC make friends and the other kids flocked to the DC with nicely done up hair or cool character tee-shirts! I was surprised looking nice was important already.

(May not have been Robert Winston, but was a sensible BBC type documentary and it stuck with me)

I have raised five children. They each went to an after school club or activity, but not half a dozen. Only one of them seemed especially talented as a youngster. What would you know-it turns out they all are.

Stay relaxed, teach them decent behaviour and a sense of responsibility, (though don't be too harsh), praise their efforts and have some fun. They are likely to turn out absolutely fine, and you'll be proud of them.

We are most definitely an average family! DH and I have 'average pay ' jobs, modest house and cars (although they are all paid for!)

DS, yes, average. Lots of interests, enjoys most sport but I wouldn't say he was 'gifted ' in any of them. But at 18, he is earning, getting himself up and out in the morning and paying his way.

I think we are all quite content

That Robert Winston series was great. Very informative.

I think you just have to stand solid in your own beliefs. I have a child with special needs and watch my friends with younger kids sail past him in developmental stages. It can be incredibly scary and painful.

And yet I want to keep up with my friends, and I love their kids, and I don’t want to resent and also want them to feel comfortable with bigging up their childs achievements too. Just keep centred but don’t block off your friends with gifted kids, find a way of keeping the play fun and they will learn a lot off you too.

I have some very bright friends, a few who I would even put almost genius category. They are very very successful academics, like world renowned. They all have quite a mix of friends, some decidedly average, like me, and we have a lot of fun. One thing in common with them is that they are very humble, and like to just totally switch off. I think really bright people gain a huge amount from having normal friends! And I like it too!

@MsTSwift I don't understand your post. Why on earth would it be sad that someone would get further in life by being personable, competent and someone that others like having around than having a grade 8 in music/ 1st in maths?

I agree that attractive shouldn't be necessary but surely the other attributes are more important than having one particular gift?

Relax.
Your chidren are fine and clearly loved.
Whats the betting your friends kids are not as happy as yours ?. Pushy parents spring to mind oh and whos to say just how much input the mother had with the book.
Stop worrying and enjoy normality.

I would doubt that those boastful parents are telling the truth though. Pretty often those "gifted" kids are only doing something faster than their average peers, or really struggling with something else.

I always felt anything my DC’s achieved was their business anyway, I certainly didn’t feel the need to tell everyone.
The worst is when people put their DC’s exam results all over social media like it’s something they did.

My youngest is gifted and talented. Also has a serious heart defect. Get some perspective and celebrate your children.

Nothing wrong with 'average'.

I was brought up terribly, lived in poverty, was a summer born and did no extracurricular activities whatsoever. I was badly abused then ended up in care. I did well at school and college and have a degree. It's not all your influence (of course it helps), it's individuality too.