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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepson’s care during birth

77 replies

Hulahoopqueen · 18/09/2019 08:01

I’m pregnant and am due in 10 weeks. DD will be my first child, and my husband’s 2nd.
We currently have DSS (2yo) every other weekend, and 1-2 evenings during the week, depending whether we will have him that coming weekend or not.
DSS’s mum is very excited about the baby - weirdly so. She’s asked to babysit so that our DD can spend time with her brother (this is a no - apart from DD being the baby of my family and there will be a lot of babysitting requests from my brothers and sisters!), she’s said done some questionable things in the past that mean I wouldn’t trust her not to do things I’ve asked with my own child (she’s made jokes about taking my daughter to have her ears pierced when she’s a few years old). Usually we get along fine, and she’s a great mother to DSS, but no babysitting will be happening, I hope. Anyway.
I am worried in case I go into labour while DSS is with us. We’ve made the decision that we won’t be telling family when we go to hospital, as I’ve got a real fear of hospitals and would not want anyone turning up to wait it out (there’s the distinct possibility of this happening on both sides).
We’ve provisionally asked MIL to come over to look after DSS in case we have to go into hospital while he’s with us, however I’m freaked out that DSS’s mum will figure this out, and will be calling/messaging us and our families (she has only met my immediate family very briefly at our wedding, but she has previously messaged my sister to talk about the baby...! So this is something that is not unexpected) while we’re in hospital, against how we’d like it to be.
AIBU to suggest we don’t have DSS overnight the last couple of weeks of pregnancy? Is that really cruel? Does anyone have any experience of similar situations and has any advice on this?

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 18/09/2019 08:04

Why on earth wouldn't you call his mum to come and get him if he's with you when it happens?

7yo7yo · 18/09/2019 08:05

That would be horrid.
He would probably feel excluded.
Go with your original plan. Just make sure you tell everyone about the baby before she does.
Also ask your family and friends to delete and block her on social media. Make it clear to her and everyone that nothing is to be posted on social media without your permission.

timeisnotaline · 18/09/2019 08:06

You can’t do that! It sounds very annoying and weird and you have to be clear no visitors at the hospital (your dp is absolutely on the hook to enforce this) but you can’t just cancel your dss staying.

Josieannathe2nd · 18/09/2019 08:07

No, you can’t ask to not have DSS overnight for a few weeks. You have to live with the reality of making a blended family and that would be really hard for him to understand. You have a back up plan, I’m guessing a friend wouldn’t know DSS well enough to look after him to avoid using family who might speak? I think you just need to impress on your MIL to give vague answers to questions. E.g. they’ve gone to hospital for a check, rather than in labour but unfortunately when it’s the second child in a family unit you just can’t be a secretive as with a first, because of needing a childcare plan.

ChilledBee · 18/09/2019 08:08

Call his grandmother to babysit. If people know you're in hospital then they know. Make it clear you dont want visitors.

You can't relinquish responsibility for Child 1 because Child 2 is on it's way. You have to work with the responsibilities you have.

Basil90 · 18/09/2019 08:08

That's really unfair to your DH's DS. Imagine how confused he'll feel as a 2yo. Just call his mum if it happens when he's with you and firmly tell her not to inform your family. He's not expendable poor little thing.

Original poster
Hulahoopqueen · 18/09/2019 08:10

@CodenameVillanelle she would be truly unbearable. She would ask to come with us to the hospital, as she’s “given birth before and knows exactly how I should be supported”.
DH thinks the best plan would be to have MIL stay with him until it’s time for him to go back to his mum (MIL’s dreams would come true in this scenario!), but then I’m nervous that DSS mum would start messaging people to try and get info.

@7yo7yo Blocking would be a good idea, there’s the possibility that she’d get upset that she’s being excluded from our family and that people are being mean to her, but TBH her feelings on this is the bottom of my priorities list currently. I just don’t want the drama while I’m trying to keep calm in hospital.

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 18/09/2019 08:10

AIBU to suggest we don’t have DSS overnight the last couple of weeks of pregnancy? Is that really cruel? Does anyone have any experience of similar situations and has any advice on this?

Yes, YABVU, and pretty nasty to boot.

Unless you actually want to be cruel by excluding DSS from his home his interests are important, and denying him his usual routine with half his family is just plain wr No. I realise you are probably hormonal, and the shoe post sounds like you have let your catastrophising get out out hand. But this really is the time when you need a bracing voice telling you to give your head a wobble and get over this tterly unreasonable idea.

Original poster
Hulahoopqueen · 18/09/2019 08:12

@Josieannathe2nd that’s actually a really good suggestion - the just going in for a check line will most likely work perfectly.

To people who have pointed out that it would be cruel to not have him overnights - having written it out I’m gutted how that sounds, and thinking it over it would be awful to do that to him. That’s no longer a plan.

OP posts:
CalmdownJanet · 18/09/2019 08:13

CodenameVillanelle did you read the thread Confused

No op you can't do that i'm afraid. To be honest this is your own fault for not putting up boundaries yourself. I appreciate that's sometimes harder when the person is being nice but a simple "Haha no need to babysit sur ds will have plenty of time with her at our house, plus we have family lining up, so no but thanks", " Please don't text my family, I love we have a hood relationship but don't text my family about me, it's overstepping". As for the labour, ask mil, it seems you'll just have to take your chances

Original poster
Hulahoopqueen · 18/09/2019 08:16

@AuntieStella head = wobbled. Thank you for the advice.

OP posts:
pikapikachu · 18/09/2019 08:16

If this was your second child would you send him away for a couple of weeks? Thought not.

NearlyGranny · 18/09/2019 08:17

I totally get your concerns. DSS's mother is a leaky vessel and if she is called to collect him, the moment she knows you have set off for the hospital, everyone will know!

Since you have DSS two evenings one week in two and every other weekend, chances are it won't happen, but you definitely need a plan in place for if it does.

Somehow you need to get her onside so she quietly comes over, collects DSS and goes home and keeps her mouth shut!

I think you will get lots of suggestions on here but for the life of me I can't think of anything right now! I'll put my mind to it.

HJWT · 18/09/2019 08:18

@Hulahoopqueen I don't understand the problem? Is it that you don't want anyone knowing your in labour OR you don't mind them knowing but you don't want anyone showing up?

Tell your family that your not comfortable with people turning up to the hospital and your midwife has advised to tell family they are not allowed till visiting hours anyway. Then once your in the hospital tell the staff members you DO NOT want anyone other than birthing partners getting into the ward/delivery suite, not that they allow it anyway people cant just keep walking in and out of a very busy delivery suite!

CarolineKate · 18/09/2019 08:20

Hospitals are strict. You just have to let them know you don't want so and so in with you. It doesn't matter if she knows you're in labour. She won't be able to decide anything or have her way! I had friends and in laws like this. I turned my phone off during labour. Was bliss.

Original poster
Hulahoopqueen · 18/09/2019 08:21

@HJWT my cousin (our families are very close so I’m expecting similar) announced she was going into hospital on our family group chat. Within a few hours, multiple aunties and grandparents had informed her that they were going in to meet her as soon as she’d given birth, and a couple of them actually went to the hospital to try and wait.
That would be my worst nightmare, so if not telling people I’m going in avoids them turning up at the doors, that’s what I’ll do!

@NearlyGranny ❤️❤️❤️

OP posts:
AmIThough · 18/09/2019 08:22

If you don't want anyone visiting you just tell the midwife and they won't let anyone on the way ward

shazchip · 18/09/2019 08:22

Hi OP. Just want to say I don't think your idea about not having your DSS for a few weeks is crazy at all.

That's what we are doing. I'm due at end of Nov, my first baby, DH's third. My DSC are 4 and 7 yo. Their mum offered to keep them for those last few weeks full time, my DH agreed and then told me and I was happy with it. It will make it less stressful for everyone. They will be told too closer the time. I guess it may be different in that they are older and so have the ability to understand the reasons why.

Anyway, just wanted to make you feel better that your idea wasn't totally crazy or nasty as other PPs have said.

Original poster
Hulahoopqueen · 18/09/2019 08:24

@CarolineKate my hope is that phones will be off for us to! I’m forseeing lots of missed calls and texts when we turn them back on but I will have to get over that I know!

Overall I’m just nervous. I want to have as calm as possible an experience in the hospital. Once she’s born anyone who wants to can come and see her, by then I will be so excited to show her off. We have even arranged for DSS and his mum to visit on the first day back so they can meet properly, it’s just while we’re in hospital we want the space.

OP posts:
DriftingLeaves · 18/09/2019 08:24

Oh lovely, let's all have a go at a stepmother again.

What a surprise. I do wish people would keep their irrational bitterness to themselves. Some manage to make their points without being vile. Other just love being revolting.

It's like they hover over the boards waiting to have a go. Weird behaviour.

Original poster
Hulahoopqueen · 18/09/2019 08:25

@shazchip thank you for saying that ❤️ It would be awful for my DH (and me!) to not see him at all - it was only for the confusion of getting someone in at 2am for example to look after him, and then what if MIL couldn’t get the time off - it has all been a bit chaotic in my head trying to think it over, but 99% of it is hormones, normally I am not like this at all 😂

OP posts:
user1472709746 · 18/09/2019 08:26

It's not weird for her to be excited about a sibling for her child.

HeyDuggeesCakeBadge · 18/09/2019 08:27

OP you've realised that YABU re: DSS so that's good but I think you need to reframe DSS's mums involvement. Whilst yes, it sounds annoying and I do think you need to assert your boundaries I actually think it's great that you get a long so well. Have you tried talking to her? Or has DP?

HJWT · 18/09/2019 08:27

@Hulahoopqueen Ah I see, I totally understand my MIL wanted to wait at the hospital! Then when we told her it wasn't allowed she told us she would wait in the car park... just wasn't happening. I was induced anyway and didn't tell PIL. DH told her the second she was born and she had a massive row with him whilst i was bleeding out crying her eyes out down the phone ! DH has to put the phone down it was so embarrassing with all the doctors in the room trying to save my life 🤦🏻‍♀️

she didn't even bother to come and see DD after that so couldn't of cared really could she! She just wanted it to be all about her 🥴

AgentJohnson · 18/09/2019 08:27

She’s your H’s Ex and therefore he should be ‘managing’ her. It’s time he asserts better boundaries with this woman.

Discuss your boundaries with your H and let him know that you see it as his responsibility to deal with her.

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