Stepson’s care during birth

[Hulahoopqueen]

I’m pregnant and am due in 10 weeks. DD will be my first child, and my husband’s 2nd.
We currently have DSS (2yo) every other weekend, and 1-2 evenings during the week, depending whether we will have him that coming weekend or not.
DSS’s mum is very excited about the baby - weirdly so. She’s asked to babysit so that our DD can spend time with her brother (this is a no - apart from DD being the baby of my family and there will be a lot of babysitting requests from my brothers and sisters!), she’s said done some questionable things in the past that mean I wouldn’t trust her not to do things I’ve asked with my own child (she’s made jokes about taking my daughter to have her ears pierced when she’s a few years old). Usually we get along fine, and she’s a great mother to DSS, but no babysitting will be happening, I hope. Anyway.
I am worried in case I go into labour while DSS is with us. We’ve made the decision that we won’t be telling family when we go to hospital, as I’ve got a real fear of hospitals and would not want anyone turning up to wait it out (there’s the distinct possibility of this happening on both sides).
We’ve provisionally asked MIL to come over to look after DSS in case we have to go into hospital while he’s with us, however I’m freaked out that DSS’s mum will figure this out, and will be calling/messaging us and our families (she has only met my immediate family very briefly at our wedding, but she has previously messaged my sister to talk about the baby...! So this is something that is not unexpected) while we’re in hospital, against how we’d like it to be.
AIBU to suggest we don’t have DSS overnight the last couple of weeks of pregnancy? Is that really cruel? Does anyone have any experience of similar situations and has any advice on this?

@Teddybear45 “50/50 with a toddler and a newborn is as ridiculous to be honest. You would just end up with a resentful toddler” surely it would be just as difficult having a child 100% of the time with a newborn, of course there will be some jealousy.
We’re working on a schedule with DSS’s mum so that he is with us more often, but while he’s still been very young it made sense for his mum to be the primary caregiver. At the end of the day it’s lovely for her to be excited, and it helps DSS to see that it’s something to be excited about rather than afraid of, but the assumption that she’ll be regularly babysitting her from very young (we’re talking weeks old) was OTT in my eyes.

OP it sound like you don’t want to upset anyone. I would strongly challenge whether 50/50 is in the child’s interests and that EOW is rubbish. It isn’t for the child. It might be hard on your DH emotionally but I’ve looked into this in depth.

The current evidence does not advocate 50/50 as more beneficial to the child than EOW or other arrangements. It says that low conflict between co parents and high security (like finances) are more of a predictor of child well being than time with either parent. I know this is being pushed more and more however there is no real beneficial evidence to back this up. Obviously each case is individual.

I have had experience as a step parent to DSD with 50/50 and then full time and I would not advise either if you as step mum are the main carer. If the father is the main carer then fair enough. Especially if you’ve had a baby. I was pushed into this role without being asked as ex saw me as a free childminder and DH didn’t ask me either! We are not the child’s natural parents and it is very difficult for them to accept us as more in that role, and creates a lot of unnecessary conflict. Who is going to pick up from school? Who is responsible for uniform washing? Who does the discipline? Where is the homework? Etc. You haven’t even established your family home and how you want to parent yet, you really want to take on an extra child with an ex who you are not sure about, parents differently, and potentially has lingering emotional attachments?

Simple, low conflict, good boundaries. Always better.