Stepson’s care during birth

[Hulahoopqueen]

I’m pregnant and am due in 10 weeks. DD will be my first child, and my husband’s 2nd.
We currently have DSS (2yo) every other weekend, and 1-2 evenings during the week, depending whether we will have him that coming weekend or not.
DSS’s mum is very excited about the baby - weirdly so. She’s asked to babysit so that our DD can spend time with her brother (this is a no - apart from DD being the baby of my family and there will be a lot of babysitting requests from my brothers and sisters!), she’s said done some questionable things in the past that mean I wouldn’t trust her not to do things I’ve asked with my own child (she’s made jokes about taking my daughter to have her ears pierced when she’s a few years old). Usually we get along fine, and she’s a great mother to DSS, but no babysitting will be happening, I hope. Anyway.
I am worried in case I go into labour while DSS is with us. We’ve made the decision that we won’t be telling family when we go to hospital, as I’ve got a real fear of hospitals and would not want anyone turning up to wait it out (there’s the distinct possibility of this happening on both sides).
We’ve provisionally asked MIL to come over to look after DSS in case we have to go into hospital while he’s with us, however I’m freaked out that DSS’s mum will figure this out, and will be calling/messaging us and our families (she has only met my immediate family very briefly at our wedding, but she has previously messaged my sister to talk about the baby...! So this is something that is not unexpected) while we’re in hospital, against how we’d like it to be.
AIBU to suggest we don’t have DSS overnight the last couple of weeks of pregnancy? Is that really cruel? Does anyone have any experience of similar situations and has any advice on this?

I think you need to asjust your thinking about DSS mother.
Yes, I can see it’s totally overbearing when you’re anxious about birth. BUT it’s nice that she’s excited, it’s nice that she wants to be involved. There are far too many threads here where the stepmom is hated for no reason.
Make this a positive; she’s trying really hard and you could provide DSS with a really happy and healthy upbringing in which all key adults in his life have a lovely positive relationship.
It would be a shame to spoil it.

In the meantime why not treat her like any other over excited relative; give her a ‘job’ to make her feel involved but also help you manage how involved she is E.g. “I totally forgot dummies/breast pads/ nursing bras! Please help!”

Really concerned that people are reading this as not wanting to have him at all. This is NOT the case - just overnights, and still have him as usual during the day.
Either way, we will be keeping contact as normal including days and nights.

@NearlyGranny thanks it was awful! Yes I think we have a lot to change about step mothers, as I was allowed everything, being able to tell ILs when to come or not, my own kids (who I got to stay with a relation for the birth), and that was all fine. However, say anything about whether I wanted Ex or step child, and world war 3 it seems! Like I had no say at all. For a long time afterwards too, Ex was being praised for babysitting (her own daughter) for an extra day (we had her full time) - er like that’s not an amazing thing she’s her own kid!

On the face of it, DSS’s mum wanting to be involved sounds lovely, certainly I’d be invested to a certain degree if my daughter’s father went on to have a child with a new partner, it would be my child’s sibling after all.

However, like you, I am a person who needs firm boundaries. When people become overbearing I become anxious, I feel smothered, I need healthy space.

Glad you’ve taken on board feedback re how to handle the time you have your step son with you.

@Dillydallyingthrough thank you so much for your message, it is truly appreciated.

@Longlongsummer that sounds truly horrific. I like the Ex, I just don’t feel comfortable with her looking after my child, it’s probably PFB but I just want to see her with her in my sight for a little while before considering her having DD without me there. I’m not saying never ever, it was just a bit daunting for her to suggest it right off the bat, considering when I first met DSS (I had been with DH for about a year by this point) she instructed him to never leave me alone with DSS, and I was not allowed to hold or touch him.

@HolyMilkBoobiesBatman that is actually a great idea, I will definitely think on that! Thank you!

I'm actually going to go against the grain here. I don't think YABU. You would still have him all the normal days he just wouldn't be sleeping there, correct?

I mean really it's as much for his benefit as yours; you don't really want to have to wake him up and drag him out of bed and send him home/to a relative and have him exhausted and out of routine if you go into labour in the middle of the night.

Block or rest her for 30 days on social media. If she kicks off just say time will be in short supply when baby arrives so you are taking steps now. Keep your routine with your DSS having MIL on standby. When in hospital it is not usually a free for all. You can say who you want around.

I think you have a great plan having MIL on standby especially if she's keen. You may have an easy natural birth, long labour or c section, you just don't know. I'm always so jealous when mums talk about getting back on the school run the same day as I had a horrific c section and was in hospital for 5 days for my own health and a further 4 for poorly DD. Things may not be simple and go to plan. I would certainly keep media blackout regarding the ex. I don't know whether it was DSS his mum or PIL but the day after my c section with my baby touch and go in special care they still managed to cause a scene as mum was apparently having some drama and DSS had apparently said there was no food in the house (absolute lie it transpired). I work in social care so it was all to get my attention. Next time I'll ask for a hospital social worker to pop up and see how they like them apples! I still havent forgiven any of them a year later as it just shows a total lack of care and selfishness. You'll read hundreds of stories here of families behaving badly during and after birth so if you're around people who have form its wise to be wary. I like the idea of a prolonged check up line when you're actually having baby.

@blackcat86 that sounds very rubbish too. You are so right the ‘drama’ of no food etc is all attention grabbing.

It’s wise to be wary around birth and I do think it’s the one time a step mum can be totally selfish, and everyone else’s desires take a back seat. So I still, think the OP would be totally fine not to have dss even during the day, however if she’s truly okay with this that is fine. Like black cat and others have said, you really don’t want ‘openings’ for any faff and drama around birth time. They tend to come out as we all know from MIL or IL stories! So ex scenarios can be even more ramped up emotionally.

When the baby is a few weeks old, these things are more tolerable. But anything can happen during birth and you don’t want an excuse for an Ex who may be over involved because of competition - not good intentions (we just don’t know) - as things tend to ‘come out’ at dramatic events like birth, and OP really doesn’t want her DH on a long phone call to Ex because DSS has forgotten his bag and by the way how’s the birth going and also is DSS going to see the baby and can I come... you don’t want that scenario going on whilst actually in Labour and potentially anything is happening. You want DH focused on you.

Why does everyone think it’s so wonderful that the step-son’s mother is involved. I think it’s bloody weird, bordering on creepy and there’s no way I’d put up with it.

@gingersausage

Actually I think it is healthy to be interested and care about your child’s siblings in a blended family. Just maybe not as interested as she is.

TO be honest I don't think it makes OP a wicked stepmother because she is thinking about the birthing of her first baby and trying to make it go as smoothly as possible for everyone and herself. It's an understandable feeling and doesn't mean she's casting out DSS but she wants a bit of privacy from family members and not have to worry about having DSS taken home in a drama if she goes into labour whilst he's there (and possibly asleep or whatever). I felt the same with my first especially, I didn't want DH giving constant updates to family and I certainly didn't want them waiting in the waiting room (they'd have had a long 24hr wait as it turned out!) It's natural to want to focus on the birth and not have to worry about other things that require other people to step in etc.

Having said that, I think the chances of going into labour whilst DSS is there are slimmer than if it was a day he wasn't there.. Also a PP's suggestion to say going into to be checked out/some monitoring sounds a good one.

@gingersausage I think it’s great because I’ve seen the effect a poor relationship between parents and step parents has on the child. From parents who couldn’t bear to see each other they had to attend parents evening separately to parents who couldn’t even put their differences aside when their child was sick in hospital.
People say this all becomes irrelevant when a child turns 18 but that’s not the case, I’ve had a friend who had two wedding ceremonies because her parents wouldn’t attend if the other did.
Negative relationships between a child’s primary caregivers can be so damaging. Of course sometimes this is unavoidable, but here is a situation where all the adults get along and the fact that the Mother wants to be involved will only foster a positive and supportive childhood for the little boy, why is that such a bad thing? Sure, the Mother is perhaps overstepping it a bit but maybe that’s because she’s afraid that she and/or her son may be pushed out when the new baby comes? Maybe she’s feeling sad that her ex has moved on faster, not to suggest she still wants to be with him but rather maybe she had hoped to have met someone new and be having another child by now and it’s hard to see her son’s Father creating a new family when that’s what she wants too? Maybe she’s so desperate to not be seen as a bitter ex that she’s taken it too far?we could speculate over on by sge is behaving like this all day but ultimately I will always think a positive, nurturing environment is better for raising children than one full of hate and animosity.
Maybe over time when the new baby is here and she sees that her son doesn’t get sidelined she will calm down a bit.

@SemperIdem although my step child’s mother did turn out to be highly competitive with me, and was using her ‘interest’ as a way to keep herself ‘prominent’ to DHs current life, yes there is no way of knowing what the OPs motivations are, perhaps she doesn’t know herself.

However I a birth is such a critical time. Even more so than a wedding day. For her and DH is a very important intimate time. And it is also medically important. On top of that being stressed out in any way as the mother going into labour, or maybe even something risky happening, poses a significant threat to mother and baby.

As the baby gets older, then the OP will have the time and energy to work out with the Ex what the relationship is.

The birth is not the time to risk testing this out. So it’s very wise to put up a big boundary around it at that stage. I even got my older child to be looked after before the birth by family, and it didn’t make them feel excluded at all.

@HolyMilkBoobiesBatman however you are assuming that being overly interested is a good thing with good motivations. A good relationship between parents and step parents is based on mutual respect first and foremost, good boundaries and letting go of past relationship habits. That is a good parent and step parent relationship.

boundaries are great and all but due to the small age gap between your DP’s son and your daughter, there will come a time when they may want to spend more time with each other. This is especially true in your case as there are no other kids in your side of the family - so your DD may be besotted by her brother.

That may mean as your dd gets older, you taking on more weekends (every other weekend and a few hours a week is a rubbish arrangement) and the ex babysitting as needed. If you burn the bridges before the baby is even born then you will only harm the kids.

@LongLongSummer absolutely, I made that assumption here because in the OP it says they usually get along fine. Of course it depends on the individuals and in some cases intentions might not be good but I read the OP as meaning the relationship was good pre pregnancy which is why I think the fact that she is an ex is irrelevant in how she’s treated here and she should just be treated the same way as any other overbearing relative by being kept politely at arms length and given ‘useful jobs’ to do to keep her involved in a way that OP can manage and feel comfortable with rather than creating friction unnecessarily.

@Teddybear45 I totally agree, and DH is currently in the process of discussing with his Ex what would be better - he would like 50/50 but at DSS’s age we don’t want him to be apart from either his mum or his dad for full weeks, but I totally agree it’s not enough. We’d love them to be together as much as possible, but it’s not unreasonable, while DD is still tiny, for that contact to be at our home rather than at DSS’s mum’s.

Your husband didn't hang around did he? Getting married and having a baby with you while his son is just 2.

I don't mean that to sound as judgemental as it may do but with such a short turnaround I can see why his ex is like she is

DSS is only 2 and doesn’t have a phone so hopefully if you go into labour when he is with MIL, his mother won’t actually find out until it’s already happened. You just have to tell MIL to tell ex you have both popped out. He’s 2, not 12... how is she going to find out unless you tell her?

If you don’t want her to look after your child you just say no thanks?
What is hard about that?

@Hulahoopqueen - 50/50 with a toddler and a newborn is as ridiculous to be honest. You would just end up with a resentful toddler as, I presume, the newborn would get more attention on your time due to being your family’s first gc. When your dd is a bit older you need regular midweek overnights when you don’t have him for the weekend. Then as your dd gets older she could spend time with DS’ at his mum’s.

I just want to see her with her in my sight for a little while before considering her having DD without me there. I’m not saying never ever

No, I'd just cut the crap and say never ever.

There clearly needs to be some major boundary setting taking place here, and having a baby of your own, when everything is up in the air, is a good point to do it. This is going to get worse - she's using the connection through the DS to remain at an inappropriate level of involvement with your DH/his own separate family. The reasons may be understandable but it's not healthy for anyone unless you are all on the same page and you are clearly not - you are getting alarm bells, and so am I from what you've posted. Piercing ears? Um, fuck off!

Good fences make good neighbours. You need to think ten years down the line. A bit of upset now might need to happen to make the point that here's the boundary and no, it does not get crossed. Long term, that's going to be better for relationships than you awkwardly going along with things until she oversteps with your child and there's a full on row.

Get your sister to either block her or not reply. No shared social media. Respond with bemusement that she should babysit. Yes to MIL coming over for DSS, with strict instructions to blandly say you've had to go and have a check in with the midwife and you're feeling v tired so DH has gone too.

Distance!

Call his mum to collect step son if it happens. Also, please tell her not to tell anyone. I know it’s not as easy as that but it really has nothing to do with her. It sounds like you’re a bit scared of upsetting her? Just tell her that you don’t want people knowing you’re in hospital until baby had arrived. Surely she would understand that?? Get your partner to talk to her about it in a casual way. Laugh it off saying that you don’t want people hanging around the hospital for you to give birth.

I get wanting space I was completely the same. MIL kind of demanded to me that she would be there. When I said no she said well I'm going to wait outside then! Luckily the way our hospital was set up you had to be buzzed through a door to get anywhere close. But I had the same reasoning as you. I felt very nervous and didn't want to think that anyone was waiting about for me with pressure for hubby to go and update them etc. It was the best thing ever turning off phones. Hubby kept people updated in the end as it turned out to be long but I didn't know anything. Was great fun reading through the WhatsApp convo after 😊(we had a group chat set up for updates!)