Stepson’s care during birth

[Hulahoopqueen]

I’m pregnant and am due in 10 weeks. DD will be my first child, and my husband’s 2nd.
We currently have DSS (2yo) every other weekend, and 1-2 evenings during the week, depending whether we will have him that coming weekend or not.
DSS’s mum is very excited about the baby - weirdly so. She’s asked to babysit so that our DD can spend time with her brother (this is a no - apart from DD being the baby of my family and there will be a lot of babysitting requests from my brothers and sisters!), she’s said done some questionable things in the past that mean I wouldn’t trust her not to do things I’ve asked with my own child (she’s made jokes about taking my daughter to have her ears pierced when she’s a few years old). Usually we get along fine, and she’s a great mother to DSS, but no babysitting will be happening, I hope. Anyway.
I am worried in case I go into labour while DSS is with us. We’ve made the decision that we won’t be telling family when we go to hospital, as I’ve got a real fear of hospitals and would not want anyone turning up to wait it out (there’s the distinct possibility of this happening on both sides).
We’ve provisionally asked MIL to come over to look after DSS in case we have to go into hospital while he’s with us, however I’m freaked out that DSS’s mum will figure this out, and will be calling/messaging us and our families (she has only met my immediate family very briefly at our wedding, but she has previously messaged my sister to talk about the baby...! So this is something that is not unexpected) while we’re in hospital, against how we’d like it to be.
AIBU to suggest we don’t have DSS overnight the last couple of weeks of pregnancy? Is that really cruel? Does anyone have any experience of similar situations and has any advice on this?

When I had my third dc early a. m. I picked the others from school the same day.
Wish I had thought of packing them off for a few weeks....

Starting now, put your phone onto 'Do Not Disturb' - excluding your DH's number - at random times for extended periods of time. You can tell them you were tired and just wanted to not be contacted by anyone. That way they get used to it and won't jump straight to the idea of you being in hospital having the baby and rushing over.

You can also ask your MIL to come over and hand your DSS back to his DM while you have a 'rest'.

@HJWT ah there you go, you’ve described my worst nightmare 😂

@windydaysuponus if someone could promise me that going to hospital at 8pm once he’s asleep and being tucked back up in my bed for 7am when he wakes up would be possible, that would be the dream. Otherwise, we’re making plans.

@Hulahoopqueen yeah! The one piece of advise I now give to any FTM is wait till your settled on the ward to ring nightmare family members 😂

If you only have your DSS 4 full days a month and a handful of hours in the evening a few times per month, the probability is that he won't be with you when you go into labour.

Also, labour is very long and you do the bulk of it at home.

My DC1 was downstairs playing with her DDad for for hours whilst I laboured with DC2 in the bedroom and she was completely unaware.

It's quite possible, that if for example you go into labour on a Sunday when you have DSS, you can labour at home whilst your DP watches him, get the mum to pick him up and then you go to hospital.

It's not like you see on TV where you have a stomach cramp, moan a couple of times and out pops the baby.

There will most likely be lots of time for you to have options to decide what to do.

And as I said at the start, with your DP only seeing his DS about 1 sixth of the year, it's unlikely he'll be with you anyway.

Blimey.

Glad you've decided not to cancel dss' at the weekends, that would've been horrid.

As for not wanting your family at the hospital, it totally get that - I didn't want people sat in the corridors waiting whilst I was giving birth either. So I told people that and they complied. Won't your families do the same?

Just tell the hospital that you don't want anyone coming to see you, you don't want to be told if they turn up and want to wait, and they are not to tell anyone who turns up what is happening.

OP, you'll likely have loads of time to decide what to do as a lovely PP has said. I spent about 16 hours at home labouring then went into hospital for another 12 before DD was born. Definitely have a rough plan in place for the weekends but I think it's unlikely you'll need it 😊
However, I'd advice deciding with your DP now who can visit, who can't and how long after the birth x can visit and so on. You need to be very clear and have him agree and be willing to enforce it, simply because you won't be in a position to do so. Sort all that now and have total transparency so when they start telling him they're on their way, he can tell them no.

Good luck with your pregnancy!

No, you absolutely can't stop DSS visits during the last stages of pregnancy. That would be cruel and he wouldn't understand. He has/will have enough upheaval in his little life... Don't make it more confusing and strange for him.

As for not wanting visitors at the hospital. The hospital itself can and will help you with that. Labour wards and the like are locked down tighter than fort knox anyway. But absolutely tell them when you arrive that you are feeling very stressed out and anxious about family turning up without invitation. They'll follow your request and literally lock down to anyone other than you and DP. They are used to those sorts of requests, for all sorts of reasons.

You can tackle the family with a single text or email.
"Dear family, as you know, baby is only a few weeks away! We're very excited! DP and I want to spend those first few days/weeks just as a family of 3, getting to know each other. So will not be accepting visitors right away. We will let each of you know when we're ready for the big introductions! We can't wait for you all to meet him/her!"

No one has to know that the "when you're ready for visitors" will vary dramatically between each person... ;) Your mum/siblings might be 12 hours... Everyone else can be 3 weeks!

You are absolutely not being unreasonable about DSS, and it shows how low down a step mum is supposed to be that even in birth she has to be treading on eggshells.

It’s bonkers. Honestly do put your DSS off coming. It will not mar him for life. What matters is the long term, how you make him feel part of you and your relationship with him.

He will not ‘feel excluded’ - it’s a birth for goodness sake! A serious time when serious things can happen, you are totally right to protect it, and having your DH or trying to organize getting DSS home whilst you are potentially in the middle of god knows, is crazy and stress you absolutely do not need.

Of course you can make a huge fuss of him being first to know, first to visit and first photograph etc. Let him choose with DD babies first present, all that kind of thing, when the birth is over.

I’ve had direct experience of this so I should know! I agonized over my step kid, she and her mother were quite weird about the baby in an almost it was their baby time, and I didn’t listen to my instincts. I spent part of the birth and afterwards having to discuss and fend off the Ex wanting to be one of the first to visit! And step child was being a proxy for the over involved Ex, and was a complete pain and so stressful DH had to spend more time with them getting them ‘sorted’, than taking me to hospital and honestly I think it was dangerous as there was a delay and I got quite upset about him on long calls to Ex trying to sort it whilst I was in labour. Really marred the experience. And she blatantly didn’t like me either. My baby had to go into special care unit and honestly it was traumatic.

So go with your gut.

Thank you so much to everyone with your comments, I genuinely appreciate them. I/DH will definitely be telling the hospital that we won’t accept any visitors!

@zingally very sneaky! I like it!

@Longlongsummer I think to some degree DSS mum does believe that DH is still “her property” in some way. I would not be surprised if she tried to hold his attention while I’m in labour or just after the birth, with some emergency she’s invented (previous “emergencies” have included her brother going up a grade in football club, and her parents’ cat dying). DH put her straight on both of these, but she still feels she can call him up for any reason she fancies and it really ruffles my feathers. I like that we have a decent relationship with her (when she’s not being daft) but the boundaries aren’t clear at all, so that will definitely need to be sorted out ASAP.

I’m sorry but I think you sound pretty nasty here. The woman is excited about her son having a sibling and so wants to be involved, I’d say that is very admirable of her. Offering to babysit is a lovely gesture, I’m not sure why you scoff at the idea, yes you may have family who want to do it, but her son will be your baby’s brother, don’t you want them to be close? It’s pretty snobby of you too that you think it’s fine for you to look after her child, but couldn’t dream of it the other way around.

As for the birth, I’m all for supporting mothers in labour, but my god woman, you can’t police who knows about it. If you don’t want people turning up, tell them. If they do show up, your husband can deal with it, it’s hardly the end of the world.

It sounds very much like the ex is trying to build a good relationship to keep the family close, that’s really admirable and you need to stop looking down your nose at her.

Yes I’d watch that one. It affected my relationship with DH quite badly and many memories like the birth of our child, I look back on and they are still overshadowed in my mind by the Ex. The step child is often used as an extension of the Ex to claim ownership. It relies hugely on whether your DH can hold boundaries, but it starts with not being guilt tripped by having to put your step kids first in every single situation. You have needs too, and they come before ‘wants’ of others. If you are fair, considerate and kind to your step son then build your relationship with your needs in their too, it will make for a better relationship between you.

Be really firm yourself with ex involvement. Don’t wait for DH to do it.

Even recently there was a birthday celebration of DSDs, and there on social media I see a picture of DH and his Ex holding our young child.

And unfortunately the Ex completely destroyed my relationship with DSD in the end. As soon as I started to assert my needs which included backing off treating DH as her husband, she turned on me with full force and bad mouthed me to DSD.

Good luck with the birth though, hope it all goes well.

She seems very invested in your DS,almost too invested.V weird,has she always wanted a girl and living it through you?

Sorry meant dd not ds

@angelssins I don’t babysit her son, he spends time with us as my husband is his father. I love that she is excited, but as I said on the last page, I wouldn’t trust her to follow my requests regarding how I’d like her to be looked after (she’s previously told me she’ll get my daughter’s ears pierced as soon as she is allowed to babysit her, that’s strongly not what I’d like for her).
She’ll see her brother twice a week minimum, including extra time when we have DSS when his mum is at work and when he is over for the weekend. My husband is currently preparing to go to court to get 50/50 access once he is a little older, and I am 100% behind him on that. DSS is a joy to our lives and I obviously want them to be close, but if his mum had another baby, I wouldn’t be expecting to babysit that child or to have them for extra time just because they’re DSS’s half sibling, I just don’t understand that.

@AngelsSins you are way off the mark! And totally naive. Have you ever been a step mum? Offering to babysit is a lovely gesture. No it’s not, any psychologist will tell you that boundaries are hugely hugely important in good healthy relationships.

@PrincessHoneysuckle yes - she cried when we told her we were expecting a daughter.

@Longlongsummer thank you 💕

@Hulahoopqueen knew it! Just be civil for ds and jeeo everything normal for him.Dont let her know your business and certainly dont let her look after her she'll probably tell people shes hers or something

Honestly of all the ‘annoying ex’ posts I’ve read, this is the situation i would most like to be in! You’re lucky that your stepsons mum seems to happy about the baby and keen for the baby to have a relationship with her son, and keen to be involved with you and help out! If the biggest problem you have is that your husbands ex is TOO friendly, nice and helpful then really you need to stop making issues where there are none. You can’t ask to not have your stepson for a few weeks, that would be cruel. I really can’t see any issue with your stepsons mum knowing when you go into labor and coming to collect her son?! This whole post is really weird! Just say to everyone that you don’t want them at the hospital? Surely that’s just common sense?

Long long summer, that sounds ghastly. When you're in labour, everything and everyone has to fit round that!

I remember telling DH and midwife to stop chatting about the decor (delivery suite had been redecorated since our last babies) as I was working hard and it was distracting me.

Hulahoopqueen, I have had an idea - you'll know if it will work or not.

As the ex is possibly going to be to be first to know, could you recruit her to your side? I am thinking you take her quietly to one side, tell her you really really need her help and support, she knows what it's like in labour, etc etc, then describe your nightmare. Put in all the stuff you are afraid SHE will do. Tell her she is the only person who can protect you from having a storm of messages flying around and pile-ups in the hospital car park, people trying to crash the delivery suite etc etc. Ask her if you can trust her with a secret code word that means you've gone into labour but nobody except her can know until your DH calls her. Ask her if she can collude with you to play dumb if other family call here when they can't reach you and DH.

Do you think she would step up?

Also if you don’t want her calling you turn your phone off. Simple.

OP congratulations on your pregnancy! I'm not a stepparent so please feel free to ignore me, but I wanted to give you another perspective. I'm a SP and when DD was 3 her DF had a baby with his fiancee. We agreed a few weeks beforehand that he would have DD during the day and I would collect her in the evening on the days she would have normally stayed over. This worked well as they both spent time with her but if she went into labour in the middle of the night they didn't have to consider childcare - could this be an option? My DD wasn't scarred by this, and she is actually very close to her sibling but doesn't have much of a relationship with her DF (whole other story).

Also many people will ask what you would do if your DSS was yours, but without being awful he's not. This is your first DC you will have the nerves of all first time parents about the labour, birth, etc having a DSC doesn't change that, you are allowed to have the same feelings/fears/excitement that all first time mothers have, please enjoy it only happens once and it is not a time you will ever get back..

Wishing you and your newborn good health.

OP I did make the mistake of just trying to be nice back. But it pays to just have good boundaries rather than follow the exes lead and your instincts are usually right.

On exes request I babysitted her nephew a few times. It became quite onerous, but she needed it so I did it. Then she became quite angry when I said no, and the nephew was quite challenging and I’m more strict on not being aggressive or bad mannered, which ex didn’t like, bit of a nightmare wish I’d never done it but felt I had to.

I let my older son go to hers with DSD for a kids birthday party. I don’t know whether my son was just ignored, but he must have eaten and drunk so much that when he came back her vomited everywhere it was awful. Looking back I worry that I had not seen that she didn’t like me, even then, and it scares me I let my son in her care when she felt like that too.

Basically it’s too fraught with competitive dynamics isn’t it. She was rejected or rejected DH. She was number one. Now you are number one with DH. There are always remnants of feelings, especially if they’ve had children together.

The more boundaries the better!