Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To ask dating advice as out of touch

106 replies

Outoftouch11 · 17/09/2019 21:40

It’s so long since I dated. Basically going to have a second date at the weekend. I’m really attracted to him. His communication by text in between is scarce and sometimes quite short.
I reckon he’s probably still seeing other people, but it’s only our second date next week anyway.
The advice I want to ask is- what does asking in for a coffee mean these days?! He’s driving to my side of town at the weekend and we will go to dinner then I’ll ask him back for a coffee as he will be driving me back to my place.
I don’t feel comfortable though either sleeping with someone on the second date or even having them stay over as I feel I don’t know them yet.
So these days, does asking in for a coffee mean that you can be amorous, kissing etc, then he needs to leave ? So out of touch so tell me if this would be normal? Thanks x

OP posts:

ElizaDee · 17/09/2019 21:46

I think being invited in means sex is on the cards. I wouldn't have someone in my house that I wasn't going to sleep with and I wouldn't invite someone in or let them know where I lived so soon. You don't know him after 2 dates.

Henrysmycat · 17/09/2019 21:52

Don’t invite anyone in after the second date. You have no idea who they are.

Original poster

Outoftouch11 · 17/09/2019 21:53

ElizaDee- I panicked a bit this morning as his couple of texts were quite direct saying “ will I pick u up” and “ what’s the address “.
Thing is I’ve met him a few times in a group so I didn’t feel he was a total stranger but it’s out of character for me to give my address so soon.
I’m now worrying about the asking in as I’ll then have to get him to leave and don’t know if that’s normal.
As I said, I’m extremely attracted to him but wouldn’t sleep with someone or have them stay so soon.
Hoping it’ll be ok if I ask him in then he’s to leave. After I texted my address, he then didn’t text for the rest of the day

OP posts:

Original poster

Outoftouch11 · 17/09/2019 22:00

Anyone else with thoughts pls?

OP posts:

cakeandchampagne · 17/09/2019 22:07

I don’t think you know him well enough yet to have him in your home.
And, yes, having them in for coffee after a date suggests the possibility of sex.

Original poster

Outoftouch11 · 17/09/2019 22:15

Maybe I should text him in next couple of days and say “ I’m going to be in X road anyway so I can meet you at restaurant” At least then I’ll have my own car with me.
It then gives me the option of at least saying to him if he is coming back, it would just be for a while?
Hope it doesn’t look too odd as X road is only a few minutes from my address but surely he’ll respect that? As I said, he was very direct in asking for my address then didn’t text again once I had given it...

OP posts:

Jennifer2r · 17/09/2019 22:26

With dating I feel like its really best to be straight forward and men appreciate it too.

I say something like 'I'd really like you to come in although I'm not ready to have sex with you just yet - perhaps a coffee and a kiss if you'd like to?

TheTittefers · 17/09/2019 22:34

I’d always err on the side of making my own way home until I was sure there was a mutual spark and I was certain I’d ask him in.

Original poster

Outoftouch11 · 17/09/2019 22:36

Jennifer2r- Thanks!
Can anyone advise on my plan B ie texting saying eg that” Slight change of plan. I’m meeting a friend for an hour so I’ll already be in X road? “
(even though it’s only 5 mins from my flat)
Please advise ...

OP posts:

TheSparkling · 17/09/2019 22:38

I think you are missing what everyone is saying OP - if you invite him back it does suggest sex is on the cards for that night. I think on only date 2 then you need to meet in a public place still and make your own way home afterwards.

ElizaDee · 17/09/2019 22:40

Why do you feel the need to invite him in? It's not impolite to not invite him.

If you take your own car you can leave separately if you want to.

Pushing for an address so soon would be a red flag for me.

TheSparkling · 17/09/2019 22:40

You don't need excuses - "Change of plan - I will meet you at the restaurant at whatever time". You don't need to justify your plans or changes to them to anyone right now.

ElizaDee · 17/09/2019 22:41

And fuck politeness in that scenario anyway.

snowy0wl · 17/09/2019 22:41

I personally wouldn't invite them into my house on the second date. Depending on what time you are meeting, can you go to a coffee shop or wine bar after dinner to extend the chat? If it is someone I don't know I would make my own way to and from the dates for the first few.

crimsonlake · 17/09/2019 22:44

Do not allow him to pick you up, meet him there and find your own way home.

BraveGoldie · 17/09/2019 22:45

Op, don't be afraid to set boundaries.... any decent man will respect that. You don't need to justify. You can even be absolutely explicit. "Thanks very much for your offer of a lift, but I'm most comfortable coming in my own car at this point, so I will meet you there. Really looking forward to seeing you."

Or the less explicit "not sure, but may well be out and about before dinner, so I would prefer just to meet at the restaurant."

I totally agree with others, inviting in suggests sex. That doesn't mean you have to, but with a man you don't know you could end up feeling uncomfortable. I agree you could be absolutely explicit (though many men may still want to persuade you and assume there is a potentially half open door)... if you are sure you don't want to have sex at this point I would not invite him home. (Restaurants serve coffee too!).

Op I am a little bit concerned about you because you seem very shy about asserting your preferences and worried about being rude in some way to the man.... this can potentially end you up in situations when you feel out of control. This reminds me a bit of myself when I re-entered the dating scene for the first time in ages.

Really, you must not hesitate to set your boundaries. Good men will respect you more for it. It might even turn them on more (men like to know what they are trying to access is hard to access - that most men don't get through!... and intelligent, emotionally healthy men want women with the confidence to set boundaries.) you really won't put off a good man by doing this. And much more importantly, you will stay safe with men you don't know well yet.

Missillusioned · 17/09/2019 23:01

If you ask him in for coffee after a second date he will definitely take that as an invitation for sex. Don't do it unless you want to have sex with him.

Jennifer2r · 17/09/2019 23:24

@bravegoldie is absolutely right. Listen to that post again and again.

I do a fair bit of dating and I'm quite clear with people.

Example : he offers another drink
Me: 'I've had 3 drinks I don't want another one, thank you though'
Him 'oh go on, you already said you don't have work tomorow'
Me 'I just said no, I don't want one. Please don't ask me again'

Bravegoldie is exactly right that the kind of healthy man with boundaries that you want will love that. Any man who takes offence or is hurt by it you should run from.

Original poster

Outoftouch11 · 17/09/2019 23:39

This is all really good advice
I think it stems from years ago when I dated and then a guy had stopped seeing me after I didn’t ask him in
As I said , I’ve not dated for ages and am very attracted to this guy and he is lovely to talk to but I’m a little bit disappointed in that after the first date when we got on so well, I thought he’d be texting with chit chat etc but it’s not been like that.
He mentioned he had been ‘ briefly married’ years ago. My instinct is niggling that maybe he has just gone after many women although he did mention a recent relationship of > 1 year which broke up in last few months.
Feeling a little disillusioned but I’ll see how it goes. My feeling is at the weekend that I’ll go separately but may still ask him in for a while as long as I’m clear with him re this. I’m guessing most people will say still not to though

OP posts:

Original poster

Outoftouch11 · 17/09/2019 23:42

And BraveGoldie, I’m just reading back your post and you sound very switched on.

OP posts:

Jennifer2r · 17/09/2019 23:44

Don't over invest after one or two or five dates.

At this point you should be working out if he's good enough for you, not hoping you don't put him off.

If he goes cold because you didn't invite him in hes not the kind of man you want yo be with. Onto the next. It is hard but its the only way to approach it!

Good luck, you sound lovely.

Pinkdoor · 17/09/2019 23:50

I wouldn't take the no chit chat as a bad sign! I would like that a lot. I despise the constant back and forth messaging. So unnecessary especially with someone you don't even know yet. My ex was like this guy you're describing - and he was a nice guy and fell for me. I've texted and texted and texted with so many dick heads. Who wants to spend all day and night texting someone they've been on ONE date with? I've got books to read, hobbies to do, a life to have.

I also occasionally shag people the first time I meet them but only if I'm happy to!

PPs have given great advice on how to set out your boundaries.

Also, not ALL men are awful. Maybe he's asking where you live because he'd genuinely like to pick you up

NameChange84 · 18/09/2019 00:05

think it stems from years ago when I dated and then a guy had stopped seeing me after I didn’t ask him in

THAT guy had no intention of pursuing a relationship of any real meaning with you. He stopped seeing you because you didn't give him sex straight away. If a man really sees you as relationship potential then he will respect that you need to get to know him a bit better before getting intimate. If you had invited that guy in and given him sex it would most likely not have worked out anyway. Then you'd be "fucked and chucked" as a friend once put it.

Most guys will try for sex earliesh on. You get to set the pace. Any guy worth his salt will not dump you for not inviting him in.

Demanding your address is a huge red flag.
Don't invite a guy in unless you are ok to have sex with him.

Original poster

Outoftouch11 · 18/09/2019 00:39

NameChange84– he has texted early( like 7am) morning and I wasn’t thinking completely straight
It is so out of character for me to give my address. Was kicking myself as soon as I did and then thought it was a bit off when he didn’t text for rest of the day.
He is a really nice guy to chat to face to face though. Just couldn’t believe I’d texted my address and was then regretting it..

OP posts:

Original poster

Outoftouch11 · 18/09/2019 00:40

Jennifer2r- Thanks, appreciate your posts!

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5