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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask dating advice as out of touch

106 replies

Outoftouch11 · 17/09/2019 21:40

It’s so long since I dated. Basically going to have a second date at the weekend. I’m really attracted to him. His communication by text in between is scarce and sometimes quite short.
I reckon he’s probably still seeing other people, but it’s only our second date next week anyway.
The advice I want to ask is- what does asking in for a coffee mean these days?! He’s driving to my side of town at the weekend and we will go to dinner then I’ll ask him back for a coffee as he will be driving me back to my place.
I don’t feel comfortable though either sleeping with someone on the second date or even having them stay over as I feel I don’t know them yet.
So these days, does asking in for a coffee mean that you can be amorous, kissing etc, then he needs to leave ? So out of touch so tell me if this would be normal? Thanks x

OP posts:

Jennifer2r · 18/09/2019 20:25

No its not right to assume all men are sexual predators. But you only have to get it wrong once.

Original poster

Outoftouch11 · 18/09/2019 20:53

Re the comment about not being glued to his phone... he is ie I’ve seen it when I met him in the social group. Thing is, when I text tomorrow re meeting at the restaurant at the weekend, I’ll bet there’s a quite few conversational texts to me then, but then it’s me that’s had to make the contract.
If he texts a lot or chatting texts tomorrow, I still shouldn’t invite him back then as it’s only because I texted..

OP posts:

Original poster

Outoftouch11 · 18/09/2019 21:05

contact not contract

OP posts:

Jennifer2r · 18/09/2019 21:22

I think the question is why would you want or expect more than a few texts to arrange things between the first and second dates?

BlokeNumber9 · 18/09/2019 21:33

I was asked back for coffee on a second date but she (my date, not the cat's mother) made it clear that the invitation did not include sex. Which was fine; I certainly fancied her but I'm an adult, no longer the desperate teenager of 50 years ago, and we had a lovely time drinking coffee.
So my view is that you're overthinking this.

NameChange84 · 18/09/2019 22:04

It could be of course that different age groups and generations have different expectations too and that inviting a 50 year old man in for coffee might mean just that to him whilst a 28 year old might take that as a euphemism. I can only speak of experiences with men in their 20s and 30s.

And of course I don't think all men are sexual predators but unfortunately I, like many women, have direct experience that some are. In my case one of them was one of the "nicest" people I'd ever met until he did what he did. I didn't need to learn about consent. The men who assaulted me (starting from the age of 12) did. In the meantime, I will absolutely do everything in my power to not ever be assaulted in the future. So I won't invite a relative stranger into my home for example and I will take things slow and expect that will be respected.

We can't just bury our heads in the sand and pretend that date rape for example doesn't happen. There is nothing wrong with, so far as possible, taking the steps that are within our power to make us a little bit safer.

If a man takes offence at that, his offence should be aimed towards the other men whose actions over the years have caused women to be in danger. Not the women who are merely trying to be sensible in saying, for example, "If you invite this man you barely know into your home late at night and he doesn't take no for an answer, what is your safety plan?".

Original poster

Outoftouch11 · 18/09/2019 22:13

Jennifer2r- I think because we got on so well.
To me it felt unatural not to text in between but I wanted to leave it to him to make contact in between, although I did send a nice text at the end of the night on the first date saying thanks etc and he replied.
I’m 99% sure he’s seeing others as he’ll be online on WhatsApp but not chatting to me, and he does a lot of trips away and it’s also just a feeling I’ve got

OP posts:

CilantroChili · 18/09/2019 22:17

50 yo men would read “coffee” after a date as often as come in for coffee was extended.

OP, if you don’t want to shag this guy on date 2, do not invite him into your home.
It’s not hard. In fairness

HeronLanyon · 18/09/2019 22:19

Change of plan - my brother (uncle/cousin etc) is staying for the weekend. Can we meet at restaurant - I’ll be dropping him back and be in my car.

Original poster

Outoftouch11 · 18/09/2019 22:38

It’s quite interesting to see the male perspective
The men on here seem to be saying that coffee means coffee

HeronLanyon- thanks by the way

OP posts:

Original poster

Outoftouch11 · 18/09/2019 22:39

CilantroChilli- sorry what does the first line of your post mean- thanks

OP posts:

firesong · 18/09/2019 22:45

I suppose I normally play it by ear - sex almost straight away if I want, wait longer if I don't know yet... and as for giving out my address... hmm. It's been different each time!

I wouldn't assume that coming back for a coffee means sex is on the cards, but in your case I probably wouldn't. You don't sound all that comfortable just yet, so might as well build your confidence with a bit of flirting and getting to know each other.

therearenogoodusernamesleft · 18/09/2019 23:11

Given your lack of confidence, I think if you invite him back and you then worry he expects sex, you will probably then sleep with him. Don't do it.

You don't need to entice men with an offer to come back to yours for them to like you. They should just like you.

crimsonlake · 18/09/2019 23:15

OP we are going around in circles and yes you are missing everyones point. DO NOT INVITE HIM IN.

Original poster

Outoftouch11 · 18/09/2019 23:19

Thanks- one reason I know I definitely wouldn’t sleep with him is that when I came out of my longterm, I came off the pill and I wouldn’t risk condoms alone.
My original thought yesterday was that I would ask him back and just kiss then he could leave but perhaps that’s naive

OP posts:

Original poster

Outoftouch11 · 18/09/2019 23:20

crimsonlake- just saw your post !!

OP posts:

Jennifer2r · 19/09/2019 08:28

Well that's another important dating lesson - if you just have a 'feeling' you should listen to it no matter how daft it seems or how much you'd rather it wasn't true.

Original poster

Outoftouch11 · 22/09/2019 02:18

Hi, you’ll be glad to know I didn’t invite him in!
Nice date, got home at midnight but still up, messing about on my phone.
He has asked for another date so that’s positive.
Only thing I feel a bit confused about is he wanted to split the dinner bill. The bill came, I did offer and he said “ yes, we’ll split it”
I’ll get slated for this probably, but in an old fashioned way I feel that if I was worth it, he’d pay for dinner- awaiting being ripped to shreds for that, but just being honest.
I had a Diet Coke as I was driving and he had a white wine. He was paying by card and I wasn’t so I ended up handing him the cash. Just felt a bit wierd.
First date was a little concert. He had got the tickets( about £22 each) and I got the subway ride and drinks.
Would be interested to hear opinions including male perspective. Awaiting my ripping to shreds...

OP posts:

Original poster

Outoftouch11 · 22/09/2019 02:20

Ps I don’t expect a man to pay on every date.
Dates I’ve been on before have always paid for the first dinner date and it does make you feel more special.

OP posts:

NameChange84 · 22/09/2019 08:12

Well done!

Sorry OP, splitting bills or at least taking turns is the way it's done these days. I wouldn't complain about that.

ElizaDee · 22/09/2019 09:02

👏

Glad you had a nice time 🙂

Re paying, that's how it's done now but personally, I think it's a bit off at the beginning.

Where are you going for your next date?

StealthPussy · 22/09/2019 09:18

Splitting bill is normal and is better as it doesn’t risk anyone feeling indebted to another.

Did you get any more feelings or info about him from the date?

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 22/09/2019 09:20

If things are this hard on date 2 then don't have date 3. Your other thread is very illuminating. You need to work on your boundaries for a start as otherwise you'll be targeted by abusive twats as they can sense lack of boundaries before you've even met.
Your thinking on paying is weird and you really shouldn't be basing your self esteem on whether or not a man pays for your dinner. Take some time to work on you before any more dates and don't see this one again. You're not suited and red flags on both sides.

Original poster

Outoftouch11 · 22/09/2019 09:34

ElizaDee- the next date would be a bite to eat mid week.
I’m understanding that bills are split now but I can’t help the way I feel that I was put off a bit on the first dinner date that he didn’t pay- although he did get the £22 concert tickets on the first date.
Still feel not 100% sure but will go ahead with 3rd date. I’ll def split bill then

OP posts:

no42 · 22/09/2019 09:34

Hi OP, just saw your update.

People will tell you to get over yourself about the “split the bill” issue, but If feel the same as you tbh. I don’t think many men, well not “older” ones at least, would ask a woman out for dinner and then not pay. Hmmm... I’m afraid that would be a turn off for me. It wasn’t like that in the 90s, was it?

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