Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask dating advice as out of touch

106 replies

Outoftouch11 · 17/09/2019 21:40

It’s so long since I dated. Basically going to have a second date at the weekend. I’m really attracted to him. His communication by text in between is scarce and sometimes quite short.
I reckon he’s probably still seeing other people, but it’s only our second date next week anyway.
The advice I want to ask is- what does asking in for a coffee mean these days?! He’s driving to my side of town at the weekend and we will go to dinner then I’ll ask him back for a coffee as he will be driving me back to my place.
I don’t feel comfortable though either sleeping with someone on the second date or even having them stay over as I feel I don’t know them yet.
So these days, does asking in for a coffee mean that you can be amorous, kissing etc, then he needs to leave ? So out of touch so tell me if this would be normal? Thanks x

OP posts:
AnnitaJo · 18/09/2019 12:20

Hi OP,
I would just say that you have agreed to meet a friend prior to your date so you will see him in the restaurant. I would also make my own way back, if he was a decent guy he wouldn't push it.
Don't do anything you're not comfortable with.
Good luck and enjoy your date :)

no42 · 18/09/2019 12:36

Op - it doesn’t actually matter what his expectations are through, does it?

Stop trying to second guess him. Stop feeling responsible / guilty / beholden. Decide what YOU are going to do at the end of the night. That’s the end of it.

All that matters is where your boundaries are. Being in x street or letting him pick you up have nothing to do with “expectations” or the price of fish!

If anything, he’s more likely to disappear if you let him in tomorrow and one thing leads to another. Sadly, this is the way it goes.

Original poster
Outoftouch11 · 18/09/2019 12:40

no42- even if I let him in, I definitely wouldn’t sleep with him 100%. Kissing yes, but wouldn’t sleep with him.

OP posts:
no42 · 18/09/2019 12:47

I understand what you’re saying OP and I would be the same. I’m in my 40s too. I can’t think of any man I know or any of DH’s friends (if they were single) who would expect to come in to a woman’s house, just because they’d taken them out for dinner. I don’t think you should worry about it at all.

ElizaDee · 18/09/2019 13:14

ElizaDee- sorry to ask personal question- do you mean you did sleep with him in first date and he’s now your husband?

Yes.

TheTittefers · 18/09/2019 13:30

Op, as someone who also got back on the dating scene in my 40s, can I just say that now is the time to think hard about what your boundaries are.

This is the ideal time to think about what is in or not in your comfort zone. I wish I’d had the confidence and certainty in my 20s to do it then.

And I made a few missteps in my 40s, but what I’ve learned was that the times I got it wrong was when I didn’t listen to my gut, or I told myself I had to ‘kiss a few frogs’, or I felt ‘well, it’s our third date.’

I’ve slept with five guys since my marriage ended, and I’d say three of them was ‘worth it’ for the satisfaction I got; I also kissed two other guys who were ‘not worth it.’

I’m now with a man who totally gets my boundaries, and - this is important - I did not squirm or fret or apologise when I told (and still tell) him my boundaries. I am comfortable being super-clear with him. This is a massive change for me, as I spent a 20year marriage not saying what I really felt.

BarbedBloom · 18/09/2019 13:33

If it helps I don't have a set time I have sex by, whenever it feels right, but if I was invited for coffee I would assume sex.

BarbedBloom · 18/09/2019 13:33

I also slept with my husband on our first date

sweepysue · 18/09/2019 16:16

OP regardless of all my erm prim & proper advice I too slept with my current DP on our first date Confused

sweepysue · 18/09/2019 16:33

OP invite him in when you feel the time is right. Any guy who has any sort of respect for you would respect your feelings towards the ahem sexy time anyhow.

My first response was towards dating in general I guess, sometimes people & situations go against the grain & what their actual advice would be .... like me .... I invited my current DP in for 'coffee' and I literally ripped his clothes off Confused we are now in the process of buying our forever home & engagement & baby trying is on the cards.

Just go with your gut feeling. As you get older & wiser this 'gut feeling' is more apparent.

My initial gut feeling regarding my current DP was spot on & I absolutely have no regrets regarding my actions 😂 however there has been times in the past where I wished I had listened to my gut feeling & acted more appropriately.

Let us know what happens OP .... very exciting times : ) x

P.S don't dwell too much in his brief marriage, everyone has a past & I guess that's his.

Original poster
Outoftouch11 · 18/09/2019 16:45

Thanks sweepysue- it sounds like things are working out for you👍. I’m glad that you are happy that’s great🌞
I’m finding it even more confusing getting advice not to let him pick me up/ invite in but quite a few slept with partners on first dates.
I think the dating game is a minefield and I’m confused!Confused

OP posts:
NameChange84 · 18/09/2019 17:27

@outoftouch11 you are getting that advice because YOU said that you didn't want to sleep with him. If you want to sleep with him on the second date that is your decision and no one on here would judge you for it. The point is the women above felt that they wanted to sleep with the men on the first date, they weren't pressured into it by the man. Its up to YOU when you sleep with him. If the only reason you sleep with him is because you feel obliged to then it shows little self respect and most decent men won't consider a relationship with a woman that can't respect herself. The women above who slept with their future husbands on the first dates also sound self assured, assertive and like they know what they want. All attractive and positive traits which contribute to someone being relationship material.

Original poster
Outoftouch11 · 18/09/2019 17:41

NameChange84- basically I have to do what I’m comfortable with and, as a PP said, set the pace..

OP posts:
Original poster
Outoftouch11 · 18/09/2019 17:45

Oh and definitely the lack of contact/ short, sharp texting has def put me off a bit...

OP posts:
NameChange84 · 18/09/2019 17:57

@Outoftouch11 www.howtogettheguy.com/blog/when-to-have-sex-with-him/

Original poster
Outoftouch11 · 18/09/2019 18:01

NameChange84... thank you!

OP posts:
Jennifer2r · 18/09/2019 18:35

That link from @namechange84 is to a website from Matthew Hussey, he is really really good. I like his take on dating, boundaries and getting the right man for you

Jennifer2r · 18/09/2019 18:36

His YouTube videos are particularly good.

Original poster
Outoftouch11 · 18/09/2019 19:01

Thanks Jennifer2r- some of your stuff also sounds like ‘the rules’ which I read many years ago. I think it said that re keeping the first few dates light.
My plan of action is to text him tomorrow night re meeting at the restaurant and I’m now thinking I won’t ask him back due to the lack of or almost non existent communication in between times.
It’s not as if I’m actually seeing him yet, it’s just a second date after all. So I’ve kind of changed my mind from yesterday/ this morning re asking him back. If he doesn’t want to go out again after that, I guess that will tell me something?..

OP posts:
NameChange84 · 18/09/2019 19:08

By George I think she's got it! Good luck with the date please let us know how it goes.

no42 · 18/09/2019 19:24

Exactly OP. Put it this way, you have no idea who else he’s seeing or having sex with at this time. Wouldn’t you want to have this conversation before you consider letting him into your home. He could be dating multiple women for all you know. Let’s hope not, but stranger things have happened.

I dont think I let DH in my flat for a couple of months Blush, but he wasn’t phased in the least. This was when he was about 28 as well.

Maybe he’ll become more communicative by phone / text after this date and you can go from there when you know where you are with him. At this time, you don’t know enough.

Missillusioned · 18/09/2019 19:44

I wouldn't get too worried about the low text frequency, especially as you met him in real life, rather than online.

Some people just don't text much and he might be a person who isn't glued to the phone. I would decide if you want to continue based on his face to face behaviour.

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 18/09/2019 19:52

Can I be honest - I'm really surprised at some of the views on here! In my view, inviting someone in for a coffee absolutely does not mean sex is on the cards. It means that coffee is on the cards. Inviting someone into your house for coffee does not obligate you to have sex with them! It's kinda consent 101!

That said, there is a safety element to this. And you might want to reflect on whether you are comfortable having someone you don't know in your house so early in things. I don't like it when people make an assumption that all men are likely to be sexual predators....but, equally, it makes sense to be cautious while you are getting to know any new person.

ElizaDee · 18/09/2019 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jennifer2r · 18/09/2019 20:22

With respect @SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad it's not us women that you need to put through Consent 101.

You might be surprised at some of the comments here but I've dated lots of men, as have many women on this thread, and none of us are surprised that women are a) wary and b) warning each other.

Swipe left for the next trending thread