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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to miss a birthday meal because of my childs bedtime

93 replies

NotaGinlover · 17/09/2019 17:30

Name changed for this and posted here instead of parenting for the traffic.

My LO has started needing to go to sleep earlier than usual (3.5 months old). There is a family members birthday meal (big birthday) booked for the time LO is usually in bed by.
A big part of me doesnt want to go as I'm worried about messing with LO's sleep as they sleep really well at the moment. They get very unhappy and unsettled leading up to their bedtime so I cant imagine going out at that time would be a good idea.

But... am I being unreasonable and a shit friend or am I just being a good mum and having my childs best interests at heart?

My family do go out for a lot of meals so if this early bedtime continues I'm potentially going to let a few people down but it would only be for a while until LO could tolerate a later bedtime.

OP posts:

Wherearemycrayons · 17/09/2019 17:31

Can’t your little one sleep in it’s car seat? I come from a family that does a lot of meals and going out and I’ve always found the routine still stays the same really

BasinHaircut · 17/09/2019 17:32

Things change so quickly at this age that their sleeping pattern may have changed again by the time the meal comes around. A ‘bedtime’ to such a young infant is largely irrelevant in my experience.

However as a new mum who doesn’t feel comfortable going for the meal and wishes to decline on whatever basis she likes YANBU.

Brakebackcyclebot · 17/09/2019 17:33

Do you have anyone who could babysit?

I used to think the same as you and my DSs' bedtime was non-negotiable. Now I wish I'd gone with the flow a lot more, or paid sitters more!

Livpool · 17/09/2019 17:33

Can your LO not sleep in a pram?

This was the best time of DS' life (he is almost 4) to go out for meals. He slept and didn't need to be entertained etc.

I think YWBU to not go

mistermagpie · 17/09/2019 17:34

I would probably miss a birthday for an 18 month who is in a rigid routine, but not a 3.5 month old. Their sleeping patterns aren't really fixed at that age so should be ok to sleep in the pram or sling (car seats are for the car...) without too much hassle.

positivepixie · 17/09/2019 17:34

If it's your close family member, can someone else (partner?) put LO to bed or are you EBF? If it's the BF issue, could you put them to bed then join the meal later if your partner can stay home?

Original poster

NotaGinlover · 17/09/2019 17:35

I'd be able to bring his pram so he would be able to sleep in there definitely. I'm just worried incase he didnt sleep and got overtired due to the change in routine because we have already established a good routine of bath,feed then bed.

Also ignore the bit where I put am I being a shit friend.. It should say relative. I was gonna be a bit cryptic about it all then realised a name change was probably enough

OP posts:

Chocolatelover45 · 17/09/2019 17:37

It's entirely up to you, don't feel guilty whatever you decide. As you say it will only be for a short time. You not going won't ruin the birthday, nor will going have any long term effect on your child's welfare, so just do whatever you prefer.

PatriciaHolm · 17/09/2019 17:37

I'd go and put them in their pram to sleep. In fact I did a lot, with both of mine from an early age. Their sleep patterns at this age vary so much anyway, and if they are a good sleeper there is no reason to believe it will cause any major issues.

mindutopia · 17/09/2019 17:37

You may find your baby would settle in the pram or a sling, or do you have a partner who could stay home? That’s not something that would work for all babies but it’s an option.

But really yes, it’s fine. It’s honestly not that enjoyable to be the person walking around outside with the screaming baby while everyone else gets to eat, and most people probably don’t want their birthday dinner interrupted by young children. Reasonable people would totally understand that it isn’t practical right now.

As your baby gets older, it becomes a lot easier to work around these things (for instance, when they’ll settle easily for someone else or when they are old enough to stay up later). It’s only a very short time when this is a lot more difficult. Personally, if you have no one who could do bedtime for you, I would give it a miss and invite family member out for lunch another time. Unless it’s a dinner where there will be lots of young children anyway, they’ll probably be grateful.

Rezie · 17/09/2019 17:38

Does the LO have a father around?
You are not being unreasonable. You are a new mom and you want to follow the routine. If it was my birthday I'd probably roll my eyes but it wouldn't really have an effect on anyhting between us.

Kay1341 · 17/09/2019 17:40

I think it depends on your LO, we skipped all gatherings past 7pm because our boy got very upset and fussy if they were tired in the evening. He wouldn't sleep in a pram at a rest and busy loud spaces would just make his fussing worse. This meant I couldn't enjoy the evening either.

AllFourOfThem · 17/09/2019 17:40

I thought you were going to say your child was 3.5 years not months! I’m guessing this is your first baby.

Yanbu to do what works for you as a family but your baby will be absolutely fine going out for the evening and is at one of the most mobile and agreeable ages so I would imagine others at the birthday meal won’t be overly understanding.

Original poster

NotaGinlover · 17/09/2019 17:42

Dont know how he would cope with a babysitter as hes had a clingy stage lately and doesnt even settle for his dad.

People saying how things change so quick at this age.. that is very true! I think I was possibly clinging on to us maybe having cracked the whole sleep thing.. wishful thinking I know!

I'm wondering if I should just bite the bullet and go for it.. if hes ratty and loses his shit I wouldnt mind leaving early if I had to.

But I appreciate what you've said @BasinHaircut and luckily most of the family see it that way.

I've suggested just my partner goes but might see how we get on and decide nearer the time.

OP posts:

Original poster

NotaGinlover · 17/09/2019 17:45

Yep I'm a first time mum and I'm going through all the ridiculous first time mum worries. I know one day I'll look back and realise how ridiculous some of the things I've asked/googled have been and I might even manage to chill out a bit

OP posts:

katy80 · 17/09/2019 17:46

If it's just one night and assuming you have a rough napping routine, could you force a late afternoon/early evening nap to push bedtime back a bit? I've done this with DD if I need her to stay up a bit later if we're going to be out past bedtime.

RainOrSun · 17/09/2019 17:48

Well, there was no way I'd have attempted it with DS1. He would have screemed and bf his way through the evening at that point.
If DS2 had been my first, I'd have possibly tried leaving him with his Dad, if the meal was late enough for me to have fed him to sleep first.

So, it pretty much depends on the type of baby you have!

Original poster

NotaGinlover · 17/09/2019 17:48

@katy80 I'm struggling with getting a reasonable napping routine. He does nap throughout the day but not at set times and has recently been fighting his late PM nap.

OP posts:

SignedUpJust4This · 17/09/2019 17:49

It's not worth the stress and anxiety it's causing you. Just don't go. People will understand. It's not forever. Once baby is 6-12months things like this will be much easier.

Wynston · 17/09/2019 17:51

I would go take the pram for baby to sleep.....im sure mine would smell food and wake instantly!!
Enjoy yourself enjoy having youre gorgeous baby with you.
Whats the worst that happens-you leave early.

Billballbaggins · 17/09/2019 17:53

Depends on your baby really. I couldn’t have done this with my son as he would not have slept in his pram at that age (or he would have after screaming himself to sleep). He was a shit sleeper so I was a slave to his bedtimes tbh because the times I attempted to go out for a meal etc did not go well. As he got a bit older we could be more flexible. However my daughter was the kind of baby who would sleep in her pram once she was tired and transfer serenely to her cot at any time so we were able to do more.
Whatever you decide to do do not feel bad about your decision.

Expressedways · 17/09/2019 17:56

I’m guessing it’s a relative on your DH’s side?
My first preference would be to have a relative of yours look after the baby for a night. If that’s not an option e.g. there isn’t anyone or baby doesn’t take a bottle then I’d go, attempt a sleep in the pram and be prepared that you might have to leave early. You don’t know if you don’t try! We found walking round the block a few times in the quiet worked to get DD to sleep then we could wheel into the restaurant and she would stay asleep.

Nottrueatall · 17/09/2019 17:56

If your DC is likely to be fractious and crying, then YANBU to stay at home, as it isn't fair on other diners.

pumkinspicetime · 17/09/2019 17:58

I wouldn't have attempted this but if you have a casual sleep anywhere baby then it could work. It would never have worked for mine.

GiveMeHope103 · 17/09/2019 18:00

yanbu. a baby that small I would do what is best for me and them. its unfortunate but that is just the way it is.

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