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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to miss a birthday meal because of my childs bedtime

93 replies

NotaGinlover · 17/09/2019 17:30

Name changed for this and posted here instead of parenting for the traffic.

My LO has started needing to go to sleep earlier than usual (3.5 months old). There is a family members birthday meal (big birthday) booked for the time LO is usually in bed by.
A big part of me doesnt want to go as I'm worried about messing with LO's sleep as they sleep really well at the moment. They get very unhappy and unsettled leading up to their bedtime so I cant imagine going out at that time would be a good idea.

But... am I being unreasonable and a shit friend or am I just being a good mum and having my childs best interests at heart?

My family do go out for a lot of meals so if this early bedtime continues I'm potentially going to let a few people down but it would only be for a while until LO could tolerate a later bedtime.

OP posts:
saraclara · 17/09/2019 18:06

I looked back at babyhood with my first and cringe at how unnecessarily rigid I was about things. I disappointed many people unnecessarily out of thinking I had to stick rigidly to routines/creating routines. With the second, funnily enough, none of these things mattered.

Try to be better than me. You'll have more fun, your baby won't lose out, and the world won't end.

Original poster
NotaGinlover · 17/09/2019 18:07

I would definitely be stressing and worrying about disturbing the other diners if he was unsettled but he does sleep in his pram if were out shopping or on a walk. Not sure if the restaurant might be a bit noisy though! I'm leaning more towards not going..
Thanks everyone for your replies.

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 17/09/2019 18:10

There really isn't an easier age to bring them. If you don't feel comfortable don't go things will inevitably change with a baby family evening meals babies toddlers dont work.
Do what feels right but this time next year it may not be option to go.

cccameron · 17/09/2019 18:10

If the meal is a time he's normally asleep wouldn't you just get a family member or close friend to babysit? Or take him in carseat / pram?

Mumofboth · 17/09/2019 18:11

In all honesty I think you’re being a little precious which is understandable as it’s your first. I think you should go. You might really enjoy it and if you don’t you have an excuse to leave. My kids have always been rubbish sleepers but I found they settled more when they were out, the motion and the noise put them to sleep.

cccameron · 17/09/2019 18:13

Agree with EmeraldShamrock you won't get an easier time to do this. Most babies will easily sleep through restaurant noise. Mine certainly did anyway.

DNAwrangler · 17/09/2019 18:13

I say do what feels best to you.

If you'll just be going because other people say you shouldn't be so rigid etc... Well, they're not the ones dealing with a grumpy baby (possibly for days).

My kids are older now. We tried occasional dinners when they were younger, under pressure from the babies-are-portable brigade. Mine weren't! If I went back I'd suit ourselves.

NeverGotMyPuppy · 17/09/2019 18:15

@saraclara dont be so hard on yourself. We have to do what we think is best. We also have to be guided by our babies!

OP my baby would never settle out and about in the evening so we stopped trying. I was much happier when I stopped beating myself up about it. If he had slept in his car seat it might have been different but he didnt.

SignedUpJust4This · 17/09/2019 18:18

He may well sleep or he may be passed around constantly like a spliff at college. Either way this your time. Do what you want.

namechangedbecauseithinkiabu · 17/09/2019 18:19

I honestly don’t believe that these rigid schedules/strict routines/crazy early bedtimes are at all good for children. It seems to be an exclusively British thing. Children in the rest of the world manage to have later nights and less routine. Where im living at the moment everyone would think you were totally ridiculous for refusing a family meal to stick to your routine. It will be good for your child to be able to stray from strict routine. You’re being ridiculous and precious imo.

bellajay · 17/09/2019 18:21

It would depend on a lot of things but I’d happily miss a birthday meal if I felt it was needed. Your baby is tiny and things are hard enough without putting pressure on yourself.

If your family member takes offence, they’re the ones being precious. They’ll have many more birthdays that you can attend. If you’re close to them I’d offer to take them out for a drink or a nice piece of cake or something at a time that works for you both.

If you were on here saying you were offended because your sister with a 3.5mo baby wasn’t coming to your birthday meal at 7pm in a loud restaurant you’d get told you were being very demanding about your birthday and that you sounded like hard work 🤣

Ohyesiam · 17/09/2019 18:23

Yanbu, it won’t be for ever, and parenting involves making child centred decisions when they are little.

narkedinNI · 17/09/2019 18:24

If you are keen to go then I would and just put him to sleep in his pram. There will be lots of relatives there to help out if he gets grumpy. OTOH if you aren't that keen to go then use him as an excuse.

Hey1256 · 17/09/2019 18:36

Yes you are being a shit friend by not going

CalamityJune · 17/09/2019 18:40

Routines really don't mean a thing at that age. Tbf even my 2.5 yo has the odd late night, but we just get back to normal the next day. It doesn't mean he somehow thinks its now like that all the time.

NotExactlyHappyToHelp · 17/09/2019 18:54

I’d give it a try personally. If it’s a big birthday as you say.

Go and see how it pans out. If you’re going with family there’ll be lots of willing people happy to cuddle/do the newborn shuffle with your baby if they get upset.

The absolute worst that happens is the baby doesn’t settle and you go home. At least you’ll have been and celebrated.

I know with a new baby a schedule can be very helpful but it can also be restrictive. One evening in many won’t hurt.

Topsy44 · 17/09/2019 18:55

YANBU. Do what you feel the most comfortable with. I agree with a pp that says it does depend on your baby too.

I remember taking my DD when she was about the same age to a wedding and I was anxious about it but everyone said 'oh at that age, she'll just sleep through the evening in her pram'. She spent the whole day wanting to bf and grizzling.

Go with your gut.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 17/09/2019 18:59

I think for me the most important thing would be the details of the meal. Wetherspoons at 5pm? Crack on. I think it's highly unreasonable to bring a baby to a nice restaurant later in the evening - and big birthday makes me think it's probably the latter?

Hey1256 · 17/09/2019 19:04

Unless she has invited the baby I think it would be unreasonable to bring your baby.

You should check if it's an adult affair or not I'd be very angry if I was having an adult birthday and someone bought along their baby

bluebeck · 17/09/2019 19:10

YANBU

I wouldn't take a baby that young out for dinner.

If it's your family, Dh should stay home and look after baby and you should attend birthday meal.

If it's ILS, then DH should go and you stay home.

Newmumma83 · 17/09/2019 19:16

Every baby is different by that age my little one couldn’t sleep just anywhere due to being a nosy bugger do what is right for you and the kids, could you potentially go but explain if they don’t settle your out of there x

LisaSimpsonsbff · 17/09/2019 19:20

Unless she has invited the baby I think it would be unreasonable to bring your baby.

Even if the relative has invited the baby, the rest of the restaurant haven't...

iwantluxury · 17/09/2019 19:23

Just take the baby in a pram, it will be fine. Someone might even offer to push her around for a bit outside so you can relax for 20 minutes.
It will be tougher when she's a bit older to get out in the evening so go for it now.

iwantluxury · 17/09/2019 19:24

Even if the relative has invited the baby, the rest of the restaurant haven't...

Last I checked babies are allowed into restaurants.

MemorylikeDory · 17/09/2019 19:32

Personally with DC 3.5 months I'd go. And I had an unsettled baby who didn't like their pram all that much. Depending on the time of the meal I'd take a change of baby grow and near their normal bedtime time take them for a nappy change, change into babygrow and give them a feed and a cuddle/push in their pram until they settled.

Everyone is different and there's no right and wrong thing to do. I'd just try not to overthink it too much. I'd try to go with the view of you want to go, DC is young enough to not want to crawl/walk around (that's when the real fun starts) and you can always leave the restaurant if it all got too much.