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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to miss a birthday meal because of my childs bedtime

93 replies

NotaGinlover · 17/09/2019 17:30

Name changed for this and posted here instead of parenting for the traffic.

My LO has started needing to go to sleep earlier than usual (3.5 months old). There is a family members birthday meal (big birthday) booked for the time LO is usually in bed by.
A big part of me doesnt want to go as I'm worried about messing with LO's sleep as they sleep really well at the moment. They get very unhappy and unsettled leading up to their bedtime so I cant imagine going out at that time would be a good idea.

But... am I being unreasonable and a shit friend or am I just being a good mum and having my childs best interests at heart?

My family do go out for a lot of meals so if this early bedtime continues I'm potentially going to let a few people down but it would only be for a while until LO could tolerate a later bedtime.

OP posts:

Original poster

NotaGinlover · 17/09/2019 21:21

@pumkinspicetime I will be going back to working shifts so theres no chance of a schedule as rigid as that. It's purely to get his sleep sorted.

@Grobagsforever it's the in laws so I'm sending my partner.

I'm perfectly happy with the decision I've made and appreciate those who are saying they would do similar as it's made me feel more confident with my decision.
I'm taking on board the comments from people who feel differently too as i definitely dont intend to be one of those obsessed parents but having a bedtime routine is working for us.

OP posts:

user1474894224 · 17/09/2019 21:30

goodness I wouldn't have. 3dc and not with any of them. Important family events were moved to lunch time to accommodate mine and then my cousins kids. (And depending on who had the trickiest child we worked to their schedules.) - My eldest would have been fractious, wanting to BF for the entire meal in the evening - no fun for me or my friends/family. Can't remember about middle one. And third was such a beautiful sleeper there was no way I was risking him not being. Your friends and family will make allowances. Really don't worry about it. This time will pass and you will be able to join in again soon.

rabbitheadlights · 17/09/2019 21:34

I have 7 and all I can say is never ever mess with a baby and it's routine they are so small for such a short time you can make it up to whom ever birthday it is x

Grobagsforever · 17/09/2019 21:45

@NotaGinlover ah then the baby is the perfect excuse to stay home and avoid in law meal 😁😁😁

stucknoue · 17/09/2019 21:50

Just take your pushchair, they can sleep in that. Do you want to spend until your child is 10+ years old not going out? Kids are more flexible than you think. I have photos of my girls asleep under the table at a wedding lying on coats, didn't do them any harm

LisaSimpsonsbff · 17/09/2019 21:53

Do you want to spend until your child is 10+ years old not going out?

These comments are bonkers. I didn't go out in the evening much when I had a 3.5 month old. I go out plenty in the evening now I have a 14 month old, but I don't take him with me!

DarkDarkNight · 17/09/2019 21:54

I missed my Dad’s birthday meal for a big birthday a couple of years ago for this reason. SIL charged ahead and booked it for a time when my Child was just about going to bed. Her Child could cope with a late night, mine definitely could not. He’s very highly strung and liable to meltdowns and hunger and tiredness are huge trigger points.

I definitely wasn’t going to put him through it, it would have been ages after getting seated till we even ordered with a big group. I posted on AIBU and people overwhelmingly said I should go. You know your Child best, some cope well with routine changes and some don’t.

NeverGotMyPuppy · 17/09/2019 21:55

@stucknoue
I'm going to repeat this for you, because apparently this iis quite a tough message for people to underatand:

Not. All. Babies. Are. The. Same. What worked for you and yours certainly didnt work for me and mine.

And if you left a 3.5 month old asleep on a floor then there's something the matter with you!

MakeItRain · 17/09/2019 22:03

I had some awful evenings out pacing about with my baby after I'd been encouraged to go out/not be boring and stay in/not let a baby change my life! The trouble was it was always me who had to deal with a crying fractious baby. My babies are much older these days but in hindsight I think it's ok to be pretty selfish and do exactly what's right for you and your baby and if that means missing a few nights out that's fine

Hugtheduggee · 17/09/2019 22:10

Seriously, this is as mobile as they get. I try to go out with mine as much as possible in the first 6 months or so, because at that age you can and it's the last opportunity you have to go put easily without arranging babysitters etc for many, many years. So take advantage of it. We've been out for loads of meals, parties, round friends houses, even a concert, all with a snoozy baby attached in a sling.

The 4 month sleep regression is developmental and to do with how the brain regulates sleep and sleep cycles. It doesn't matter what you do, what will be will be.

My first slept 11-6 before the regression, and it took her two years almost to get back to that reliably. If they are sleeping well, fab, but it's so changable that you can't assume sleep is sorted. It's sorted for now and be glad about that,and what will e will be about tomorrow.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 17/09/2019 22:10

I was a party last weekend; I'd left my toddler at home with his dad, but there were a couple there who had brought theirs, and spent about two hours trying to console him as he got increasingly grumpy, and then trying to get him to sleep in his pram. I felt sorry for them - there were a lot of quite visibly annoyed people, including the hosts - but perhaps they, like most of this thread, thought I was the fool for 'letting my child dictate my life' and not dragging him out past his bedtime? I certainly think I had the more fun evening!

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 17/09/2019 22:12

I caved into to doing this sort of thing under pressure from people with the sort of kids who would nod off sat bolt up right in a high chair/lying in the middle of the floor in a busy nursery.

NOT ALL KIDS ARE LIKE THIS!!

Mine wasn't. And isn't. He will. Not. Sleep. In a stimulating environment. In a pram. Out and about. And if he gets even a bit overtired he turns into a miserable crying mess. It's literally pointless. However, at home in his bed with normal routine he sleeps like a log and never, ever wakes at night. Meaning that for the 6 months of sacrificing my social life when he was tiny, I can now use babysitters whenever and do whatever I want.

Do what works for you & your child.

MyDcAreMarvel · 17/09/2019 22:13

A 3.5 month old shouldn’t be going to bed in the evening anyway. Or do you mean they sleep downstairs in which case they will be used to light and noise.

Original poster

NotaGinlover · 17/09/2019 22:36

@MyDcAreMarvel the place the meal is at has a bar/club downstairs so it can be quite loud. We tend to just have a few lamps on and the tv not too loud once hes settled for the night at home so hes not used to excessive noise.

OP posts:

Its5pmSomewhere · 17/09/2019 22:54

I would definitely go. We used to take our now 2 year old out in the evenings all the time before she got older and started having a proper bed time. A 3.5 month old doesn’t need a routine yet, surely they will just fall asleep anywhere...

KellyHall · 17/09/2019 23:15

Since having dd, I've found keeping things as simple as posdible and as fluid and possible minimises the stress. I say:

If you want to go, go

and

If you then need to leave early, do!

No-one will mind. And you really won't know what's best unless you try.

Melamine · 17/09/2019 23:22

My baby is an identical age to yours and we had/have an evening routine, and we recently went away and took them to restaurants every night which all apparently opened later than their usual bedtime... some nights were spent eating standing up, jiggling baby constantly in carrier or pram to sleep/stop grizzles and some were absolutely fine with baby awake. Put to bed later. They slept brilliantly most nights - better & longer than usual! Thought we nailed a new routine! Came home and went back to old routine immediately with little changed (less sleep 🙄 😂). All I’m saying is, you may think you have a routine but a. everything may change next week/tomorrow and b. one night probably won’t make any difference.

All that said, go with your heart.

ArloRoo01 · 17/09/2019 23:24

Honestly, I don't think it's worth the anxiety and stress it's causing you. Would you be able to relax and enjoy the night? What if you settled the baby to bed and then get someone to watch for a few hours if you really want to go?

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