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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to miss a birthday meal because of my childs bedtime

93 replies

NotaGinlover · 17/09/2019 17:30

Name changed for this and posted here instead of parenting for the traffic.

My LO has started needing to go to sleep earlier than usual (3.5 months old). There is a family members birthday meal (big birthday) booked for the time LO is usually in bed by.
A big part of me doesnt want to go as I'm worried about messing with LO's sleep as they sleep really well at the moment. They get very unhappy and unsettled leading up to their bedtime so I cant imagine going out at that time would be a good idea.

But... am I being unreasonable and a shit friend or am I just being a good mum and having my childs best interests at heart?

My family do go out for a lot of meals so if this early bedtime continues I'm potentially going to let a few people down but it would only be for a while until LO could tolerate a later bedtime.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotaGinlover · 17/09/2019 19:34

@hey1256 it's a family event and another relative is bringing their kids. It would be abnormal for any of our family events to not have kids invited - however we go for meals often and the kids are all well behaved.
However I agree with the posters who are saying about it not being fair on other diners.. that's a massive concern of mine as I would hate to be ruining someone's meal.

I've decided against going and my partner has spoken to the relative, hes going to go as it's the in-laws bday and they said they completely understand which is a massive relief.

I get that routine isnt for everyone, we kind of just fell into one but it seems to be working for us for now.

OP posts:
reginafelangee · 17/09/2019 19:35

I would take baby with you. That's what we always did.

Or leave him with dad.

Rach000 · 17/09/2019 19:37

I would have struggled to take my kids out at their bedtimes at that age. Think they would have cried and been cranky. Wouldn't have worked as they would have wanted to breastfeed for ages and then were often sick so wouldn't have gone.

Witchinaditch · 17/09/2019 19:39

I’d be supplied if a 3.5 month old had a set routine and couldn’t sleep in pram, I thought you were going to say a toddler age! When baby is 3.5months they are pretty portable. I would go. If baby was 3 year old I wouldn’t. Is this your first baby by any chance? Try and relax a little bit (said with kindness! I was very uptight and I wish I hadn’t been)

Cakeorchocolate · 17/09/2019 19:46

YANBU to me. I had a baby that wouldn't settle easily at all & would wake at the slightest sound at that stage. She might have fell asleep in the car on the way there but she definitely would have woken (even if I'd have left her in the car seat, which you shouldn't for that long) and would not have settled or gone back to sleep again. She would have cried and been unhappy and I'd have been stressed. It would have ruined everyone's evening.

I do sometimes wonder if I should have made more effort to make her fit around life, but in reality it felt like survival and that was how we managed it. I don't look back and regret it if I'm honest.

But if it could work for you then do whatever you feel comfortable with.

Cakeorchocolate · 17/09/2019 19:48

Just saw your update. Glad you've found a solution everyone is happy with.

Lipz · 17/09/2019 19:53

I know you've decided not to go but these are the best months. They'll sleep anywhere. Once fed and changed slip them into their sleep suit and into pram. We had some of our best nights out when all 5 of mine were around this age..

If baby did cry you can walk outside or head off. It's not like you have to sit there letting baby cry.

Routines change. No point missing out on family get togethers, having a baby, it can be doable.

Ginger1982 · 17/09/2019 19:56

As long as you're happy with your choice. I was a bit like you. DH's family are into 'house parties' for every birthday going. In the beginning it meant putting DS to sleep in his pram in a bedroom, now we just let him stay up a bit later than normal (he's 2.5) I always worry in case it messes with his good sleep routine but it never does. He goes to sleep when we get home and still gets up at the same time.

I find I have to be strict though. I'm always the one saying it's time to go home whereas DH would happily stay on.

Chloemol · 17/09/2019 20:00

Your dc needs to get used to lots of different things in his life, this is just one. Please don’t become one of those parents who allow the child to dictate everything.

MamafromOz · 17/09/2019 20:10

I am in the same position as you OP as in I have a 3 month old who fights sleep and naps and can get overtired and cranky very quickly. Bedtimes are a struggle sometimes so I understand your hesitation.
For me i would judge closer to the time. If he had been napping well and going to bed well that week then I would go and put to sleep in pram.
If he was horrid to get to sleep then I wouldn’t go. Do whatever is best for you and your baby. People will understand.

Another option is to get a sitter and put baby to bed/ do routine before you go. I did that last week with my mum and it worked a treat x

Hey1256 · 17/09/2019 20:21

Your dc needs to get used to lots of different things in his life, this is just one. Please don’t become one of those parents who allow the child to dictate everything.

So true, OP please please don't become a parent that starts playing up to the parent. If not careful this is the route you'll end up going down.

walkintheparc · 17/09/2019 20:30

I never missed a social event that I wanted to attend because of my babies (providing it was child appropriate). Enjoy your life and adapt to kids bring a part of it, one night out of routine won't do any harm. It's good to get out during the early days too, you need to have fun!

Treestreestrees · 17/09/2019 20:44

Oh dear goodness do you EVER need to google the four month sleep regression 😂😂😂

All three of mine were perfect sleepers at your lo’s age. Didn’t sleep again for two years after that regression....

We promise, you will look back at this post and laugh. Then cry 😂

LisaSimpsonsbff · 17/09/2019 20:55

Please don’t become one of those parents who allow the child to dictate everything.

I guess we all have different definitions of 'the parent who lets everything revolve around their child'. In my opinion, the parent who brings a baby to a nice restaurant in the evening is a CLASSIC case of this. Other people don't want their meals ruined by your attempt to publicly prove that you're still cool even though you had a baby.

Ginger1982 · 17/09/2019 20:58

"Please don’t become one of those parents who allow the child to dictate everything."

Wanting your child to have a decent bedtime is hardly allowing them to dictate.

Original poster
NotaGinlover · 17/09/2019 21:01

@treestreestrees that's what I'm dreading and clinging on desperately to avoid!

I'm definitely not letting my child dictate my life. If anything it's to make my life easier, for all I know he could be fine and sleep in his pram but I know what I'm like without sleep at the moment, it completely messes my mood up so I'd rather not rock the boat whilst things are good.

If it just happens to all go pear shaped at some point and his sleep suddenly deteriorates then so be it but atleast i wont have felt like its anything I've done.

OP posts:
NeverGotMyPuppy · 17/09/2019 21:02

Allowing a baby to dictate? Dont be so ludicrous.

To those trying to panic the OP - have u ever seen a baby that cant settle and is overtired and miserable? Why would OP inflict that upon herself and her baby? I spent last NYE in tears rocking a screaming DS because I had allowed myself to be persuaded by MIL that doing a NYE party with a 3.5 month old would be fine. It wasnt with my 3.5 month old. I was knackered, overwrought and felt horrifically guilty.

Why would you want OP to risk it if she fears that might happen?!

Wallywobbles · 17/09/2019 21:04

If you're worried about this at the age where they'll sleep in a pram be aware it's downhill from here. This is the age where you can have a social life more or less. You are pretty much cutting yourself off from evening entertainment for the next decade. Is you DP also obliged to stay in for the next decade?

NeverGotMyPuppy · 17/09/2019 21:05

@Wallywobbles ever heard of babysitters?

MN is batshit sometimes.

Original poster
NotaGinlover · 17/09/2019 21:07

@nevergotmypuppy that's the problem I'm having at bedtime he seems overtired and is completely fighting it for a good half hour untill he finally settles. If he was to do that in the middle of a restaurant I'd be an absolute wreck - stressing wanting him to be ok and also feeling like I was annoying everyone there/being judged.
I'm trying to get him to nap for longer in the day but it's a bit of a battle!

OP posts:
Grobagsforever · 17/09/2019 21:10

Errr @NotaGinlover you've said it's your family? So just leave baby at home with partner and have a lovely relaxing baby free time? Unless you're breastfeeding?

NeverGotMyPuppy · 17/09/2019 21:11

Yep I've been there! And it's no fun!

Honestly dont feel you need to defend yourself. Do what's right for you and your baby. I regret that NYE so much.

It's ok to change your life a bit when you have a baby. It's also ok to attempt not to, if that works for you and your baby. Stay in, let this period pass and look forward to going out when your baby is tucked up asleep at 7pm

pumkinspicetime · 17/09/2019 21:12

Please don’t become one of those parents who allow the child to dictate everything."

Honestly it's true OP. First you innocently send them off to bed at the same time each night, then they start wanting meals at the same time, then bath time, then school starts and they demand that they get taken in for that at the same time each day. It just never stops.

Meanwhile in the real world most kids have some basic routines and continue to have them all throughout their childhood. Changing and adapting as they change and grow.

Onionsoup64 · 17/09/2019 21:17

It's your child, and only you know best. If your child will happily sleep in a pram/buggy then fine, do that, but if he/she will be fractious and you will end up walking around the venue desperately trying to soothe a crying baby and eventually having to leave halfway through the main course, then I wouldn't bother. Just explain that to your relative. I didn't attend a cousin's wedding with dd when she was small because I knew it would have been a nightmare for everyone, most of all me, and I really don't think I was particularly missed.

You know best.

anothernamejeeves · 17/09/2019 21:20

I never really went anywhere socially for the first year due to ds's sleep routine

He's now a terrible sleeper 🙄