To be getting more and more concerned regarding male colleague?

[Gratedcheeseontop]

NC for this.
I’m in a difficult situation and I’m unsure of where to go from here.

Currently working with a male, I’ll call him Henry for the sake of this, and In the past few weeks he has;

-Messaged me constantly about trivial things, I’ll get messages at least every other day. I don’t reply to these.

• messages me when we’re both in work, in the same room??

• I constantly catch him staring at me during the day. If I move to nip to the loo or go on break his head shoots up and he’ll be watching me. He’s also sent me a few messages along the lines of “ooh did xyz piss you off? I saw the way you frowned” or “what’s up, you look sad?”

-last week he asked another member of staff (his friend) to leave work early so he could tell me, to my face, that he ‘really liked me’. This made me feel so bloody uncomfortable and I didn’t know how to react. I don’t like being forced into a situation and that’s exactly how I felt. It was just Henry and I at work at the time also, which put me on edge. Henry told me that he had specifically asked other work colleague to leave early so he could speak to me alone. He’d planned it all out. Other members of staff were aware of his plan and not one of them decided to tell me and give me a bit of warning.

-since telling me how he feels, Henry has upped the number of messages he sends me. I’ve told him that I would like us to stay as colleagues and that’s it. I didn’t think I’d have to explain this as I have a DP (very long term relationship, 10+ years) and a DC- something I reiterated to him just to be crystal clear.

Henry did tell me that he understood and respected my decision, and it won’t make things weird, but has became really persistent. He won’t stop messaging me daily, if I don’t reply within an hour he’ll send another message, and if I don’t reply to that one he’ll send another. It feels like he feels entitled to my time? It’s borderline possessive! I don’t even speak to my own family or closest friend every hour of every day, so I’ve no idea why he thinks i should be messaging him back when he says so.

I’ve asked DP not to get involved as it will aggravate the situation, although he does want to.
I can’t speak to my manager about this, as he will tell the owner of the company- who is very good friends with Henry. It’s a very small, family run type business, so no HR or anything like that.

It seems like he’s obsessed with me, and I’m genuinely getting a bit scared. He’s messaged me 8 times today because I haven’t replied. I feel like I can’t block his number as it would make it terribly awkward at work, and he’ll just find another way to contact me. Thanks to very slack security measures in my workplace henry also knows where I live.
He is very close to the men in the office, and quite a few of the women. It will be spun as if I’m the heartless bitch who blocked him and complained to management purely for him wanting to be my ‘friend’. It would make work absolute hell to be honest!

Luckily I have another job lined up which I’m due to start in around 6 weeks, so I don’t have to put up with this forever. I’m just getting worried as he’s getting more and more intense, I don’t know him that well at all, so how do I know that he won’t take it too far one day? What if desperation drives him to do something?

I have 6 shifts left with him where we’ll be left alone for around an hour together, and I’m dreading them. The last message I had off him was along the lines of me making things “weird” by not replying to him.

Any advice please? This is really bothering me.

Also, should I block him after I’ve sent the message?

OP your six point plan is spot on. And your second message is exactly what I would suggest sending. I would let your DP know that you are doing it, so he can support you, an dbe prepared for any fallout from Henry too.

Yes, block him once you’ve seen that the message has been read and screenshot that it has been opened. You don’t need to hear any response from him. You’ve told him the score, the end.

Second message is good. I would also add: only contact me by work channels ie work email when necessary and during working hours only. ^^

Trim it a bit more:

Henry, I have made it very clear that I am not interested in pursuing any form of relationship with you other than that of work colleagues.

Can I absolutely clear to you that other than work related communication, at work and during working hours only, I have no wish for any further contact or messages.

I have blocked you on FB messenger to avoid any confusion here. I expect you to respect my wishes and avoid any need for me to escalate matters.

Then !optional! I have sent a copy of this to Jim [i.e. manager] to keep him in the loop.

And send manager my email above.

Or:

Henry I have made it very clear that I am not interested in pursuing any form of relationship with you other than that of work colleagues. By continuing to message me and making comments about me to our colleagues, and manipulating situations to be able to work with me alone your behaviour is becoming more and more inappropriate so I have to make it absolutely clear to you now that other than any appropriate work related communication, whilst at work and during working hours only, I have no wish for any further contact. Any further messages or communication from you would be unwanted. I expect that you will respect my wishes and avoid any need for me to escalate matters with the relevant authorities.

I expected that being in a committed marriage and ignoring your messages would be enough to put a stop to this, but unfortunately your behaviour is escalating and you’re giving me no other option. To make it absolutely clear, any more inappropriate and uncomfortable behaviour will be reported to the police as harassment.

Done, and don’t look back.
Good luck op.

But you literally have to block the man on social media. He is SEEING when you read his messages and that tells him that you are CHECKING your messages and that he is on your mind.

That's the one now OP.

ARGH - mistyped something:

Henry, I have made it very clear that I am not interested in pursuing any form of relationship with you other than that of work colleagues.

Can I be absolutely clear to you that other than work related communication, at work and during working hours only, I have no wish for any further contact or messages.

I have blocked you on FB messenger to avoid any confusion here. I expect you to respect my wishes and avoid any need for me to escalate matters.

Yes second message is good. PLEASE listen to people and don’t do anything like the first message. You are being unfathomably nice and polite to a complete nasty weirdo...WHY?! I’m am
Depressed to fuck that so many women are conditioned to behave and react like this. He is totally in the wrong so STOP APOLOGISING AND BEING NICE, he is a NUTTER!! Give your boss a chance to react appropriately by reporting this and covering your own back to show you have done everything possible and correct to deal with the situation. Your plan sounds good and your revised message is perfect. NO MORE MRS NICE DOORMAT!!!!

2nd msg much better. Direct and to the point.
Make sure you screenshot the messages before you send your final one in case he deletes them? Not sure if he can?
Well done on taking control!

I don’t think you should block him after sending the message.

I think that’ll create a lot of anxiety for you, not blocking him gives him a chance to show how he’s reacted to the message and he might be mortified and apologise. If he gets nasty obviously block but his reaction to that message would also be quite useful to the police.

Do not in any way reply to him after your no contact message though.

Don’t block him. Advise him that you will not be reading any further correspondence from him. Keep everything unopened as I suspect he will escalate.

Not blocking him gives you that one up on him as you can see his reaction and protect yourself further.

How are you getting on op? Hopefully it’s all sent now?

Not blocking him also allows him to continue his harassment campaign. He will gaslight and manipulate. Block him and be done. By keeping him as a contact you are leaving that channel of communication wide open.

Listen to @Jellybeansincognito.
They are talking sense and the second message was their suggestion.
Good luck.

@Gruzinkerbell1 that’s not a bad thing, it’s extra police evidence.

She can block as appropriate if he continues to message.

It opens the opportunity for him to be mortified and apologise, or not... in which case she needs to take extra measures to protect herself from this nut case.

As long as she’s not replying to any message it’s fine.

Ah that original message was written by another lovely poster near the beginning of the thread, unfortunately because of suffering from a similar scenario.

I also agree don't block him at this stage. If he reacts badly to your message then it could give you some warning that you might need to escalate. If he's very apologetic then it could give you some peace of mind that he might finally leave you alone. If you block you have no idea what his reaction is.

Ok OP glad that you have decided to use a message similar to the one I suggested.

Do not give this man ANY further information about your life. He would thrive on causing a shit storm at home for example. Google the Grey Rock technique.

Second step email your employer and demand action on their behalf. You need to at least give them an opportunity to sort things out. Refuse to work alone with Henry. You are well within your rights and have definitive proof of his harassment in the form of the messages. I suggest you send something like this.

Dear Employer,

I am increasingly concerned about the behaviour of colleague Henry Surname towards me and no longer feel safe being left to work alone with him for the following reasons.

Over the past x amount of time Henry has been persistently private messaging me both inside and outside of working hours. I have been trying to ignore these messages but he continues. Over y amount of time he has sent z amount of messages to me. This is intrusive and disturbing.

I am especially concerned as the messages have increased in frequency since I firmly told Henry that I was not interested in forming a romantic relationship after he broached the subject with me. This incident took place on (date). Henry informed me that he had asked (colleagues name) to leave us alone together so he could discuss his interest in me and ask me to form a relationship with him. If it is true that (colleague) knew that Henry's intention was to get me alone so he could attempt to initiate a relationship with me I find this distressing. Everyone at (place of employment) is fully aware of my longterm partnership with former colleague (DP's name) who is also the father of my children. Henry also claims that colleague said that I "deserve a good man" like him. Again, if this is true I find it inappropriate and disrespectful. I do not wish for my private life and relationships to be brought into the work setting.

I made it very clear to Henry that I was not interested in being anything other than his work colleague. If truth be told I have felt uncomfortable around Henry prior to this incident. Over the past few months he has made comments such as (insert comments), alleged that colleagues were bullying me, made me feel like he was watching my every move such as going to the toilet etc and then messaging me about tiny details - ie "Why are you frowning?".

Given that Henry's behaviour has become increasingly persistent and inappropriate and the fact that he has made it clear he has a sexual attraction towards me, I cannot take any risks with my personal safety. I am asking you, as my employer, to take the necessary steps to ensure that I am not put at any further risk.

I have sent one final message instructing Henry to stop contacting me and blocked him on the app he uses to message me. I have sought advice and been informed that I would have grounds for legal action if Henry continued to harass me.

Please can you assure me that I will not be left alone to work with Henry in the future? I am able to provide any evidence you may need in the form of messages and logs of Henry's inappropriate behaviour.

I would appreciate your assistance to ensure that (Business) is kept as a safe working environment. Please advise me of how you intend to deal with this matter.

Yours Faithfully,

You

Use the second message ..no niceties no hints of kindness but also add .."my Husband is fully aware of this situation and has read all correspondence and will support me in any action I feel I may need to take in future "....that should let him know that he is busted

You've already told him "no."

Any more interaction will be viewed as some kind of tacit yes.

Let your managers know you won't be alone with him any more and pretend he ceased to exist

I suggest you message your employer just after you’ve messaged Henry. You don’t want Henry going to the employer to badmouth you before you’ve had a chance to put management in the picture.

Namechange’s email to your boss is FANTASTIC. Professional, factual and reasonable and leaves it very difficult for them to deny what’s going on or that they have a responsibility to act. Definitely send that so you have it in writing!

I'd agree that by not blocking the police can use further contact as grounds for escalation on their behalf. However, you've also got to do what is right for your peace of mind.

Also, it's been said before on here but you NEED to read and fully take in the book The Gift of Fear.

You are taking WAY too much personal responsibility for this creeps actions.

It is NOT you. It is him that is in the wrong. You have not led him on.

I never even SPOKE to my stalker. He saw me smile once when I was a schoolgirl and that was it. Obsessed.

Other people made me feel like it was my fault because I wore make up and pretty dresses and had long hair.

It was because he was a disgusting grown man who felt entitled to a sexual relationship with a young girl.

For years I ran away from him as he filled me to my home, to my work, joined my hobbies etc. I was over 30 when I finally spoke up and explained to a tutor that I couldn't continue at a hobby because stalker had begun attending. The tutor was a former criminal justice worker and took the time to ask for the full details before advising me the law around harassment had changed and that I should tell the police everything.

Your first message and your guessing that you wouldn't be backed up at work are really worrying. Being so nice and scared of upsetting anyone is placing you in direct risk. You need to learn how to defend yourself because right now you are making yourself an easy target.

I've had other Henry's since but I can deal with it now and show them I'm not a victim. I'm someone who will shout, scream, make a scene, bite, tell them to fuck off - whatever it takes. If I've been put in an upsetting situation that I didn't invite they do not deserve my respect or time. They deserve a big fat FUCK OFF YOU FUCKING CREEP.