To be getting more and more concerned regarding male colleague?

[Gratedcheeseontop]

NC for this.
I’m in a difficult situation and I’m unsure of where to go from here.

Currently working with a male, I’ll call him Henry for the sake of this, and In the past few weeks he has;

-Messaged me constantly about trivial things, I’ll get messages at least every other day. I don’t reply to these.

• messages me when we’re both in work, in the same room??

• I constantly catch him staring at me during the day. If I move to nip to the loo or go on break his head shoots up and he’ll be watching me. He’s also sent me a few messages along the lines of “ooh did xyz piss you off? I saw the way you frowned” or “what’s up, you look sad?”

-last week he asked another member of staff (his friend) to leave work early so he could tell me, to my face, that he ‘really liked me’. This made me feel so bloody uncomfortable and I didn’t know how to react. I don’t like being forced into a situation and that’s exactly how I felt. It was just Henry and I at work at the time also, which put me on edge. Henry told me that he had specifically asked other work colleague to leave early so he could speak to me alone. He’d planned it all out. Other members of staff were aware of his plan and not one of them decided to tell me and give me a bit of warning.

-since telling me how he feels, Henry has upped the number of messages he sends me. I’ve told him that I would like us to stay as colleagues and that’s it. I didn’t think I’d have to explain this as I have a DP (very long term relationship, 10+ years) and a DC- something I reiterated to him just to be crystal clear.

Henry did tell me that he understood and respected my decision, and it won’t make things weird, but has became really persistent. He won’t stop messaging me daily, if I don’t reply within an hour he’ll send another message, and if I don’t reply to that one he’ll send another. It feels like he feels entitled to my time? It’s borderline possessive! I don’t even speak to my own family or closest friend every hour of every day, so I’ve no idea why he thinks i should be messaging him back when he says so.

I’ve asked DP not to get involved as it will aggravate the situation, although he does want to.
I can’t speak to my manager about this, as he will tell the owner of the company- who is very good friends with Henry. It’s a very small, family run type business, so no HR or anything like that.

It seems like he’s obsessed with me, and I’m genuinely getting a bit scared. He’s messaged me 8 times today because I haven’t replied. I feel like I can’t block his number as it would make it terribly awkward at work, and he’ll just find another way to contact me. Thanks to very slack security measures in my workplace henry also knows where I live.
He is very close to the men in the office, and quite a few of the women. It will be spun as if I’m the heartless bitch who blocked him and complained to management purely for him wanting to be my ‘friend’. It would make work absolute hell to be honest!

Luckily I have another job lined up which I’m due to start in around 6 weeks, so I don’t have to put up with this forever. I’m just getting worried as he’s getting more and more intense, I don’t know him that well at all, so how do I know that he won’t take it too far one day? What if desperation drives him to do something?

I have 6 shifts left with him where we’ll be left alone for around an hour together, and I’m dreading them. The last message I had off him was along the lines of me making things “weird” by not replying to him.

Any advice please? This is really bothering me.

Reinstall Facebook messenger and send a final message telling him to not message me.

Do this first ^^

Ignore the messages, don’t read them, and hope he gets the hint.

Then do this^^, at the same time as this:

Tell manager what Henry has been doing and ask for him to ensure 3rd staff member stays at work and doesn’t leave early. And work for the remaining 6 weeks.

Last resort if the above don't work, do this:
Go off sick and leave company on bad terms, and risk a less than perfect reference. I’ve been a really good member of staff up until this point.

Screenshot all communication, inc you saying 'do not message me again' plus subsequent messages should you receive them. Then if you do get a poor reference you can hand it to your new employers as evidence.

So I would get in writing that you are asking him to stop. Categorically. No room for doubt. And I would also let manager know. You have to do this to follow protocol and ensure you will not be left alone with him. You must not be left alone with him. Keep all evidence in case it still continues and you need to escalate to police as harrassment.

See I don’t think I’ve strung him along at all. I constantly mention DP at work and make it known that he is very much a real person. DP used to work in my office and left shortly before Henry started, so a lot of the staff there know DP very well. Which is also why I feel so betrayed. I thought at least one of them would have had the decency to tell Henry not to even think about it with me. I’ve treated Henry the same way I treat any other male and female at work. I’m polite and respond when I’m spoken to but generally keep my head down and do my job. I don’t understand how he’d gauge from my actions that I’m stringing him along at all. Now that’s made me feel like it’s my fault in a roundabout way?

Of course it's not your fault and you have not strung him along. He's clearly a few sandwiches short of a picnic though and with this sort of creepy behaviour you can't take it for granted that he will behave as a normal rational person would, and not declare for a woman with a family in a long term relationship or invent a whole back story of flirting. So none of this is your fault, but you need to proceed with a firm line now of "do not contact me again. We are not friends, we are colleagues." No room for him to plead any doubt or gaslight anyone into believing you were giving him signals etc. Then block and ignore. If he then continues it's a much more clear cut case of harrassment and it's something the police can work with, if needs be.

OP you’re taking this creep’s word as gospel. You don’t know what your colleagues have/haven’t said re your DP. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking ‘I i could only hit on the correct message he’d see sense and leave me alone.’ The PP who said you haven’t given work a chance to respond is correct - you do need to raise it .
Absolute arsehole. How dare he.

“To be categorically clear, I do not want to receive any messages from you to my personal social media account. Either during working hours or at home. We are colleagues and that is all. Any further messages or attempts to get time with me on our own will be logged as harassment.”

You are a grown woman and need to deal with this shit head on. It’s not your fault that he has stalker tendencies and it’s not your fault that you had the misfortune to be chosen as the object of his affections. But it is your fault that you’re too polite to nip it hard in the bud. He has majorly over stepped the line, time to shove him back hard across it.

Ok what about this;

To be honest I’m overwhelmed by the sheer volume of messages. I’m not too sure if I’ve given off the wrong signals but I’ve tried treating you the same way that I treat every other member of staff. I don’t know why suggested that you should tell me how you felt. She knows and knows how long we’ve been together, so it comes across as disrespectful for people who know nothing about my relationship to get involved. Regardless of what they’ve heard in the past, I decide who I should be with.
These messages have caused me a whole world of shit at home. It was one thing to be messaging a male member of staff on occasion, but for that person to like me and then continue messaging has caused so much hassle that I shouldn’t have to be dealing with. It comes across as very demanding when you message again after an hour if I haven’t replied. I don’t message my family or best friend that frequently, so I shouldn’t have to be forced to reply to you. Which is how I feel.
We’re work colleagues. I can’t keep getting messages from you, so it needs to stop.

Feel free to edit it accordingly if I should say something else.

I honestly think you need to stop believing his bullshit. This guy’s batshit crazy. You need to get a grip and make yourself safe, not cower away like he wants. You have had some excellent advice here and you need to stop making excuses for him and second-guessing yourself.

I think you are attempting to reason with someone who is obsessive and scary rather than reasonable. It would be better to follow suggestions of those who have got advice from police or similar. Because you may find you have to go to the police if this continues when you leave work. It really might. Your weird workplace will let slip regarding your new workplace and he knows where you live.

no no no, absolutely not it’s far too personal and not to the point.

You need to emotionally detach and use the message above on the thread that isn’t personal at all and is very clear.

No!! Do NOT say any of that. You are not getting it, OP. You need to send the message posted above (apologies I forgot the posters name) that says very simply Do not contact me again. If you do I will escalate to the authorities."

Too waffley and gives him a get out at the beginning (wrong signals). Just send him a message saying you don't want to receive any further messages from him and you have no interest in him. All future contact should be at work and work related only.

That's it.

Namechange84, that's the one. The language she uses is Magic Bullet language that will work with the police if it escalates to that point. If you don't use the right words then the police cannot get involved.

I’m not too sure if I’ve given off the wrong signals

To be frank with you op, he is being incredibly disrespectful. Do not feel bad for telling him to very clearly, stop.

You’re feeling uncomfortable because of his behaviour, what’s a bit of extra discomfort to get some peace from this? If you tell him as stated at the beginning of the thread, by someone who has been in a similar situation and managed to use the message as evidence, you’ll be protecting yourself from future harm so it doesn’t matter how he reacts, he will be fully liable for his behaviour and you’ll be able to action it.

Here op-

‘Henry I have made it very clear that I am not interested in pursuing any form of relationship with you other than that of work colleagues. By continuing to text me and making comments about me (insert example), you are making me feel very uncomfortable. I have to make it absolutely clear to you that other than any appropriate work related communication, whilst at work and during working hours only, I have no wish for any further contact. Any further texts or communication from you would be unwanted. I expect that you will respect my wishes and avoid any need for me to escalate matters with the relevant authorities’

From page 2 or 3.

I don't mean to fear monger, but this guy sounds totally wackadoo. You could wind up in a seriously bad situation if you don't lose the need to be polite. Like stalking/rape/murder bad situation. Stop being nice and tell him straight!

Oh @Gratedcheeseontop YOU NEED TO STOP BEING POLITE.

Ok, sorry for shouting. It is NOT you causing this, you are NOT the one being rude or causing a problem. This is ALL ON HIM.

please stop letting him rewrite the situation. A PP made a good point - you need to allow your manager to assist you and you need to allow your colleagues to support you. They can only do this if you tell them what's going on.

And btw I get it, I was a people pleaser too until I hit 41 about 2 years ago. I now understand the difference between being forthright, professional, a non pushover and being rude and making a fuss.
Take control back.
Then have a gin

Right ok, so send this

Henry I have made it very clear that I am not interested in pursuing any form of relationship with you other than that of work colleagues. By continuing to text me and making comments about me, you are making me feel very uncomfortable. I have to make it absolutely clear to you that other than any appropriate work related communication, whilst at work and during working hours only, I have no wish for any further contact. Any further texts or communication from you would be unwanted. I expect that you will respect my wishes and avoid any need for me to escalate matters with the relevant authorities.

?

Sorry OP but that message is dire.

These messages have caused me a whole world of shit at home. It was one thing to be messaging a male member of staff on occasion, but for that person to like me and then continue messaging has caused so much hassle that I shouldn’t have to be dealing with
That sounds like ... if it weren't for my DP I'd be keen to be in touch

Your message iss far far too nice and waffley.

You need to categorically state 'Please stop sending me all these messages. You are a work colleague, only contact me about work. If you persist, I will have to take this further'.

Don't send your message OP!

You are apologising for maybe giving him the wrong idea, bringing the other colleague into it (which he may have entirely made up!) and implying that he's annoying your dh and causing a rift in your relationship with your dh.

This is not your fault
He is behaving inappropriately to you
He may have made up the colleague bits

Tell him that you will only communicate with him about work matters through official work channels

No texts no social media messages no one on one chats in the office

Tell him he is behaving inappropriately and he needs to stop

If you are worried about your reference, tell him that you will tell your manager if he continues to contact you inappropriately.

If the new job is in the bag, go ahead and tell the manager now.

X post. 2nd message is much better.

So my plan is,

1. Reinstall messenger
2. Screenshot messages (there are 100’s from him)
3. Send the above message
4. Screenshot that message too

5.delete messenger again

1. Go to manager tomorrow, show screenshots and ask for assistance.

Does that seem right? I’m not used to dealing with someone so intense and persistent and I probably am not taking it as serious as I should be. I fucking hate this.

Nooooo! No no no no no no no. NO! Do not send that. Do not send any of it. You are still being polite, still being wishy washy with your message. You are blaming your partner for not wanting to receive so many messages. That just screams to weirdos that you need rescuing.

“Stop contacting me. Stop messaging me. We are colleagues and that is all. I will contact the police if this continues, you are harassing me.”

Second message is so much better. It I would add in that he’s only to contact you about work using work channels. Not your personal social media account.

Well done @Gratedcheeseontop