To be getting more and more concerned regarding male colleague?

[Gratedcheeseontop]

NC for this.
I’m in a difficult situation and I’m unsure of where to go from here.

Currently working with a male, I’ll call him Henry for the sake of this, and In the past few weeks he has;

-Messaged me constantly about trivial things, I’ll get messages at least every other day. I don’t reply to these.

• messages me when we’re both in work, in the same room??

• I constantly catch him staring at me during the day. If I move to nip to the loo or go on break his head shoots up and he’ll be watching me. He’s also sent me a few messages along the lines of “ooh did xyz piss you off? I saw the way you frowned” or “what’s up, you look sad?”

-last week he asked another member of staff (his friend) to leave work early so he could tell me, to my face, that he ‘really liked me’. This made me feel so bloody uncomfortable and I didn’t know how to react. I don’t like being forced into a situation and that’s exactly how I felt. It was just Henry and I at work at the time also, which put me on edge. Henry told me that he had specifically asked other work colleague to leave early so he could speak to me alone. He’d planned it all out. Other members of staff were aware of his plan and not one of them decided to tell me and give me a bit of warning.

-since telling me how he feels, Henry has upped the number of messages he sends me. I’ve told him that I would like us to stay as colleagues and that’s it. I didn’t think I’d have to explain this as I have a DP (very long term relationship, 10+ years) and a DC- something I reiterated to him just to be crystal clear.

Henry did tell me that he understood and respected my decision, and it won’t make things weird, but has became really persistent. He won’t stop messaging me daily, if I don’t reply within an hour he’ll send another message, and if I don’t reply to that one he’ll send another. It feels like he feels entitled to my time? It’s borderline possessive! I don’t even speak to my own family or closest friend every hour of every day, so I’ve no idea why he thinks i should be messaging him back when he says so.

I’ve asked DP not to get involved as it will aggravate the situation, although he does want to.
I can’t speak to my manager about this, as he will tell the owner of the company- who is very good friends with Henry. It’s a very small, family run type business, so no HR or anything like that.

It seems like he’s obsessed with me, and I’m genuinely getting a bit scared. He’s messaged me 8 times today because I haven’t replied. I feel like I can’t block his number as it would make it terribly awkward at work, and he’ll just find another way to contact me. Thanks to very slack security measures in my workplace henry also knows where I live.
He is very close to the men in the office, and quite a few of the women. It will be spun as if I’m the heartless bitch who blocked him and complained to management purely for him wanting to be my ‘friend’. It would make work absolute hell to be honest!

Luckily I have another job lined up which I’m due to start in around 6 weeks, so I don’t have to put up with this forever. I’m just getting worried as he’s getting more and more intense, I don’t know him that well at all, so how do I know that he won’t take it too far one day? What if desperation drives him to do something?

I have 6 shifts left with him where we’ll be left alone for around an hour together, and I’m dreading them. The last message I had off him was along the lines of me making things “weird” by not replying to him.

Any advice please? This is really bothering me.

Small amendment.

Don't tell him to stop sending you any messages 'other than work related messages'.

Tell him to stop sending you messages. Full stop. You don't want to receive another thing from him (and don't respond to it if you do, just log). No ifs, buts, or tiny wiggle-room for negotiation. He'll exploit it.

You can't give leverage to people like this. The tiniest gap in your armour will simply be seen as a weakness. The 6-point plan, however, sounds good.

What an invasive, exploitative, entitled, thoroughgoing arsehole he is. This feels close to home as I've been stalked way back in the past, so seriously that I feared for my life (he drove at me on the pavement and tried to run me over) and have more recently fended off the ministrations of a workplace sexual harrasser too. How dare someone assume the right to treat another person this way? Fuck his feelings sideways with a prickly cactus. He's shown zero consideration for yours.

So sorry you and so many other women are still being compelled to go through this.

Sorry just an add on for your text to him. I was advised I had to use the phrase "Any further communication/contact would be unwanted." In your case you can't really say communication as you may have to communicate for work. But you must get unwanted in there. It seemed to be a buzzword. The police were then able to proceed and say "Namechange84 told you on x date that any future contact was unwanted. Since then you have contacted her a further x amount of times therefore we are..." Obviously leaving out what happened next.

If you send that text and he makes any contact with you then the police can then proceed with a Cease and Desist. Seek advice from the National Stalking Helpline though as they are also very good at telling you what steps the police should take if it gets that far.

Namechange84 you have offered some excellent and invaluable advice on this thread for the OP and also for anyone else going through similar. While this is not my thread and I am lucky enough not to have had this happen, I still thank you for your input.

From bitter experience (supporting a work colleague in meetings after she was sexually harassed) and from the description of your company, I would be VERY surprised if they do anything. By all means alert them, but don’t have high expectations of them dealing with it appropriately. My experience was in a large company with good CSR policies etc and a decent HR department. Yet, the colleague who had been doing the harassing not only got off Scott-free (despite email evidence on company email!) but was also promoted, while the victim was ‘managed out’ - god bless the fucking patriarchy.

So please keep in mind that it may take the police to intervene and sort this situation out as your stalker sounds like a total nutter and he has your spidey-senses tingling all over. With that in mind, take advice from those who have been there and make your message crystal clear with the appropriate key words in. Good luck.

@JustHereWithMyPopcorn thank you

Several posters, including OP, have suggested including references to OP’s DP, both in the cease and desist message, and more generally.

I’m willing to be corrected by someone with expertise on this, but this just strikes me as a really bad idea. The reason the attention is unwelcome is not because OP is in a LTR, but because she is not interested in Henry. Single women get to choose who they welcome attention from as well as partnered ones.

Granted a man would be a sleazeball for hitting on someone who he knew had a partner, but he’s a sleazeball for being a stalker any, so what’s the difference.

I wouldn’t mention the DP. Your messages are unwelcome, stop sending them. End of.

Good job with the second email @Gratedcheeseontop and @NameChange84 gives very good advice on the communication to your employer.

I’ve had something similar and trust me, these men (and it is almost always men) will not get a hint, you need to spell it out to them with absolutely no ambiguity or room for manoeuvre. Any teeny tiny chink in the armour of your argument will be seized by them and used to tell you that you don’t know your own mind, that they know deep down that you really do want a relationship with them but your evil husband is stopping you, or some such twaddle. Stand firm!

@PuzzledObserver that is also a very good point. It shouldn’t matter if I’m married, divorcing, single or hawking myself round every dating site I can find - if I’ve said that the attention and contact is unwanted then that is an end to the matter.

How are you getting on OP?

Totally agree with @PuzzledObserver about DP not being mentioned as a reason for not wanting a relationship with Henry.

Colleagues knowing about DP and yet not discouraging Henry (although hurtful and out of order) has nothing to do with it. If you be and single tomorrow you Still wouldn't want his advances!

I agree colleague leaving you alone with him is wrong and that should be mentioned in email.

I'd agree with PPs to never ever bring a partner into things like this or into rebuffing men in general.

It sends the message "I belong to another man but if I didn't you'd have a chance." A Henry will see a DP and children as a mild inconvenience and think that the DP is the only reason the OP is not interested.

The woman always needs to take responsibility for saying no to the Henry's of the world. No is a full sentence.

Look I did it for years to avoid upsetting men and other people did it on my behalf... "Sorry no I have a boyfriend" with a sweet little smile and if he was really creepy "I only like girls sorry", I wore an engagement ring, spoke about "my other half" who didn't exist, asked male friends to pose as my boyfriend, invented relationships...all because I was terrified of saying "No, I'm not interested."

Yes it sometimes got rid of unwanted advances but not the really creepy ones. My friend once got a message from a suitcase on a dating website who she'd rejected that it didn't matter who she dated, she would marry him and he could wait until she broke up with anyone in her future. I had a man's father say "He'll have you yet" after I explained I wouldn't be interested as I was seeing someone. Just waiting for my relationship to fail.

When I started saying, " No I am not interested in pursuing a relationship with you." and nothing else, no excuses or apologies, it was like magic. They just went, "oh No? Ok" and disappeared.

We need to get more comfortable about saying no without bringing another man into it. It goes back to that quote about a Man's no meaning more than a woman's.

Thank you all so much. Echoing what pp’s have said, there has been some excellent advice given on this thread and I can’t thank you all enough.
I installed messenger and went through all the messages and screenshot them. Within a minute of me being on the message he was online too. I’ve sent the message, waited until it was ‘read’, screenshot that one and then blocked him. I’m going into work tomorrow on my day off and will be speaking to management. I think I’ll type up the email posted upthread and take a print out for the manager. The emails are read by all members of staff so if I sent it that way everyone will know my business.

Suitcase? Nut case . Autocorrect is messing with me and adding rogue apostrophes too sorry!

Ah I think you’re treading dangerous grounds by not giving him a chance to respond, it takes away your protection a little bit.

But we’ll done for sending the message!

@NameChange84 excellent email. How does it stand with the OP's new employer needing references? She's already said they have a 'reputation' for distorting truth.

Well done, OP. Will you let us know how it goes tomorrow, please?

I will let you all know what the manager says about it.
The last message from Henry said that I’d made it SO awkward for the both of us now. Nice.

Well done, @Grated.

It's not you that's made it awkward, it's him. But don't reply and tell him that - just block again.

In fact let's just analyse the assumption underlying his statement a bit, shall we? Any woman who doesn't welcome his attention is making things awkward. Any woman who doesn't fancy him is making things awkward. Any woman who doesn't enter a relationship with him even though she has zero interest in him is making things awkward. He has the right to have whatever kind of relationship he wants with whatever woman he wants, and if she doesn't go along with him, she's making things awkward.

I don't think so.

The last message from Henry said that I’d made it SO awkward for the both of us now. Nice.

YOU haven't made anything awkward OP.
Hold on tight, & remember, as you speak to management tomorrow, that it is YOUR RIGHT to have them support you, & protect you from any further contact from Henry.

I appreciate that the company has form for being shady - but their response is up to them. When you report, make sure you do not prevaricate, excuse, & above all do NOT apologise for yourself.

Once you have spoken to management, if their response is unsatisfactory, go to the police armed with your phone & get ther support & advice.

@edsheeranpaidmoretaxthanccola They can't give her a bad reference. The worst they can do is say ",I can confirm OP worked for us between x dates".

I think despite the informal nature of the business OP is still able to contact ACAS.

OP have you got anything in writing from the new job offering you the position?

Ugh this man is digustingly, creepily VILE. Well done, OP. Will he be there when you go in tomorrow?

Well done OP.

Well done @Gratedcheeseontop 👏

They can give her a bad reference, but unless they can back it up with factual evidence she can take action against them. Under the circumstances however they’d be very stupid to do anything of the sort. If she was moving to another small local employer she’d be vulnerable to the rumour network and a quiet character assassination down the pub (I’ve known people have job offers pulled after chats down the pub, even after they’d started work). But if she’s moving to the civil service she should be safe from that.

OP i’m So glad you’re taking action.

Just remember: none of this is your fault. You have not invited any of this, and even when posters have suggested you change the content of your messages etc we’re all fully understanding of what a stressful situation this must be for you; and how difficult it must be to come up with clear and direct communications.

I think everything you’ve done and planned here is now perfect; and even if your manager isn’t supportive tomorrow please don’t be knocked back or take it as a judgement on your behaviour - come back on here, regroup, and call either one of the helplines suggested for further advice, or 101.