To be getting more and more concerned regarding male colleague?

[Gratedcheeseontop]

NC for this.
I’m in a difficult situation and I’m unsure of where to go from here.

Currently working with a male, I’ll call him Henry for the sake of this, and In the past few weeks he has;

-Messaged me constantly about trivial things, I’ll get messages at least every other day. I don’t reply to these.

• messages me when we’re both in work, in the same room??

• I constantly catch him staring at me during the day. If I move to nip to the loo or go on break his head shoots up and he’ll be watching me. He’s also sent me a few messages along the lines of “ooh did xyz piss you off? I saw the way you frowned” or “what’s up, you look sad?”

-last week he asked another member of staff (his friend) to leave work early so he could tell me, to my face, that he ‘really liked me’. This made me feel so bloody uncomfortable and I didn’t know how to react. I don’t like being forced into a situation and that’s exactly how I felt. It was just Henry and I at work at the time also, which put me on edge. Henry told me that he had specifically asked other work colleague to leave early so he could speak to me alone. He’d planned it all out. Other members of staff were aware of his plan and not one of them decided to tell me and give me a bit of warning.

-since telling me how he feels, Henry has upped the number of messages he sends me. I’ve told him that I would like us to stay as colleagues and that’s it. I didn’t think I’d have to explain this as I have a DP (very long term relationship, 10+ years) and a DC- something I reiterated to him just to be crystal clear.

Henry did tell me that he understood and respected my decision, and it won’t make things weird, but has became really persistent. He won’t stop messaging me daily, if I don’t reply within an hour he’ll send another message, and if I don’t reply to that one he’ll send another. It feels like he feels entitled to my time? It’s borderline possessive! I don’t even speak to my own family or closest friend every hour of every day, so I’ve no idea why he thinks i should be messaging him back when he says so.

I’ve asked DP not to get involved as it will aggravate the situation, although he does want to.
I can’t speak to my manager about this, as he will tell the owner of the company- who is very good friends with Henry. It’s a very small, family run type business, so no HR or anything like that.

It seems like he’s obsessed with me, and I’m genuinely getting a bit scared. He’s messaged me 8 times today because I haven’t replied. I feel like I can’t block his number as it would make it terribly awkward at work, and he’ll just find another way to contact me. Thanks to very slack security measures in my workplace henry also knows where I live.
He is very close to the men in the office, and quite a few of the women. It will be spun as if I’m the heartless bitch who blocked him and complained to management purely for him wanting to be my ‘friend’. It would make work absolute hell to be honest!

Luckily I have another job lined up which I’m due to start in around 6 weeks, so I don’t have to put up with this forever. I’m just getting worried as he’s getting more and more intense, I don’t know him that well at all, so how do I know that he won’t take it too far one day? What if desperation drives him to do something?

I have 6 shifts left with him where we’ll be left alone for around an hour together, and I’m dreading them. The last message I had off him was along the lines of me making things “weird” by not replying to him.

Any advice please? This is really bothering me.

Block. Tell manager. Tell him you are very uncomfortable. Arrange for dp to pick you up from work or meet you for lunch one day and point Henry out to him.

Please make sure you don’t do those shifts alone with him. Do as others have suggested. Message him to stop. Copy in management. Tell them you feel uncomfortable. He is making it weird not you and you are fearful and uncomfortable being left alone with him. Especially as he has already engineered a situation to be alone with you by abusing his power in the company to send someone home early purely to get you alone. Write it all down. If management can’t keep you safe tell them you won’t be working those shifts. They won’t be able to give you a bad ref in those circumstances. This is not OTT. Stay safe.

Please do not tell your boss that you think he only wants to be friends or is harmless. Because you know he wants more than friendship ( and this constant harassment is not friendship).

And you have no idea whether he is harmless or dangerous. It is not your job to down play or make this palatable.

You said he already knows where you live due to something at work (presumably he found out via work). Work must keep you safe from this harassment.

The fact you suffered previous abuse is not relevant (although may be contributing to your fears. I'm so sorry about this). IMHO you should not tell eoek About any previous abuse. They may well not keep your personal information safe.

Please do not protect him, he is making this happen. If you need breathing space to think at all, cany you go off on sick leave?

Can you remove him from your social media? Or could you even leave and temporarily close down any social media accounts he is using to message you for the next 6 weeks? I would probably be tempted to do this so that all contact is broken but in a way that won’t single him out - you can say you’re just taking a break from social media. Then as soon as you’ve left your current job re-open your accounts (most have a temporary break function) but delete and block him from everything.

If you do take a break from social media, he will ask you why. Don't tell him it's for "personal reasons". He will turn that into something about your relationship. Block him and tell him that you don't have time for social media, so you have adjusted your privacy settings so that only your close friends can contact you.
He will probably push for more, but tell him that you see him at work and you're not going to change it.

Is there any chance you could swop shifts for those 6 shifts you have to work with him? Years ago I had a similar situation when the person then claimed they had "chemical depression" and I made him feel good. He has a fantasy about you and him together and you need to let him know that DP and your family are very much top of your list. Delete social media and block him and other work colleagues on your phone,if challenged claim techy problems. The sooner you are out of this the better. I agree about DP collecting you from work once or twice and I wouldn't believe a word he says about what people have said. Good luck

The advice he claims to have had fromyour colleague sounds made up, in that he packaged it as being from a long term colleague/friend to lend such a preposterous statement credibility but also to lower your defences: “if X says that, maybe he’a on OK guy.” Also, as someone else has astutely stated, he’s isolating you from your potential support network at work, which is not the behaviour of someone with sincere motives. Trust your instincts OP. You posted because his behaviour is causing you concern. I haven’t seen a single post telling you that you’ve misjudged the situation. Focus on protecting yourself for your remaining time in post and get signed off if your employer’s response is inadequate and your safety is not addressed.

I would also say he could be lying about what your other colleague encouraged him to do.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

How long has he worked there? Anyone else had a problem with him or any issues in his previous job? He is banking on you being too polite to kick up a fuss.

Take a few screenshots of his string of messages, send a message saying stop contacting me outside of work then block him. It's social media, it's not compulsory to have work colleagues on there. If he complains to a manager that you've blocked him on Facebook (which would be utterly pathetic anyway) then you have screenshots to show why you did it.

I think you are overthinking this, understandably though due to what happened before

Turn off your social media notifications if you can’t bring yourself to block him. Then at least he’ll realise he’s being ignored and you’re not reading his messages.

What are you going to do op?

I'd certainly not be doing shifts alone with him and would insist management make sure there is a third person there the whole time ie they cannot orchestrate another one on one opportunity for him to be with you.

Personally I'd be concerned for my safety.

Don't read or answer any of his messages. Just stop engaging.

"Hey Henry, friends don't hassle friends with constant messages when they're obviously not wanted - back off and stop messaging me."

Then actually block him on every social media platform that he is using to communicate with you.

You are NOT responsible for his feelings. You are NOT responsible for making sure he doesn't feel "hurt".

Then I would send a short email to your manager saying

"Hi Manager,

Henry has been messaging me as many as 10 times a day on [Facebook/whatever platform it is] both during work hours and in the evening and making a nuisance of himself. I have tried to handle it myself, but it is escalating and apparently I'm being "weird" for not reciprocating his "friendship". I definitely do not view his increasingly inappropriate behaviour as friendly.

Last week he asked another member of staff (his friend) to leave work early so he could tell me, to my face, that he ‘really liked me’. This made me feel extremely uncomfortable and I didn’t know how to react. I don’t like being forced into a situation and that’s exactly how I felt. It was just Henry and I at work at the time also, which put me on edge. Henry told me that he had specifically asked other work colleague to leave early so he could speak to me alone, so he had planned it all out. Other members of staff were aware of his plan and not one of them decided to tell me and give me a bit of warning.

I have sent him a short message today asking him explicitly to stop messaging me, and he is blocked on all my social media.

I want to log this with you now, so that you have a written record of what has been happening.

Best,

Me"

You've had good advice here, OP. I'd also be inclined to follow the excellent advice available online about how to handle stalkers - and the way 'Henry' is behaving unfortunately does bear all the hallmarks of this. Rule number 1 is the most important: do not engage. PPs' advice is good: send him one forceful message warning him to back off. I like the wording suggested above - with the exception that the 'I have a husband and child' bit should be removed. If he's this delusional, he might see them as the only obstruction to the two of you being together and this might endanger them. 'I've told you I don't want any form of relationship with you' will suffice.

This is your 'cease and desist' message: one of the steps necessary to instigate the right legal procedures, if it comes to it, to protect yourself. Keep records in a cloud and ensure there is a clear digital trail. After this, don't engage with him for any reason. This includes work-related reasons (he'll find some, and you're leaving anyway). I don't want to be alarmist, but I'd then review your home security. If the harrassment continues despite the cease and desist message then I'd report him to the police in order to start a paper trail.

Your employers have a legal duty of care toward their staff (and if they resist supporting you, it wouldn't hurt to remind them of this). All you are asking them to do is ensure your safety by never allowing you to be alone on their premises with this man. It's far from being an unreasonable request. Incidentally, your employer is also required by law to give you a reference, and can't (again required by law) give a damning one. The only way of spotting poor references is to read between the lines: ie. 'yes, this person worked for us between X and Y. Yes, they turned up for work mostly consistently and did the job'. That's as 'bad' as it can reasonably get without your having legal recourse against them.

Whatever the situation, this man's behaviour is very seriously concerning, and is escalating. You now have to put your own personal safety above money or references. Don't, under any circumstances, be alone with him on work premises. But do read Gavin de Becker. One of the most serious warning signs in his estimation is an inability on the part of the persistent male to hear the word 'no'.

I don't know if I missed it skimming the OP, but has OP actually told him, in one simple short sentence, not to message her? I know she's told him she's not interested in a relationship, but that's not the same thing.

I once had a conversation with a terrified woman who told me was being stalked by a married man. She told him not to contact her at work, the next morning he turned up outside her home. My advice was that as had obeyed her instruction not to contact her at work, he was clearly willing to comply with instructions, so she should tell him not to bother her at home. This worked.

Arguably an infatuated person is suffering from temporary insanity, but most aren't dangerous.

In almost every case where a woman posts on here in fear of a stalker (including another thread yesterday, I think) it turns out the she has never told him in a short sentence using simple words not to do the specific things that are bothering her.

The kind of sentences I have in mind are:-
Don't ever speak to me again.
Don't ever come to my house/work, ever.
Don't send me any more message, ever.
Don't communicate with me about anything other than work.

Once she has used a sentence like these, and had it ignored, that's the time to consider police.

I agree with everyone else that a professional but very blunt message is the best response.
Then if he keeps going, forget management, they sound awful, go directly to the police. It's harassment.
Personally I would do nothing until employment checks and contracts had been done for new civil service job.

As Gavin de Becker says if a man says no it's the end of the conversation but with this kind of creep when a woman says no he treats that as the start of a negotiation

On references, just to say the employer is not required by law to provide a reference. In addition they can provide a damning one, if they have the facts and evidence to back it up. If it was illegal to give a bad reference the referencing process would be pointless. Most employers avoid giving bad references by declining to provide one at all, but provided the reference is accurate and evidence based it can say anything.

OP you have my sympathies, I've had a similar issue, and in a small company there are often few places to go to for help. However your employer does have a duty of care, so I would encourage you to speak to them as others have said. Even if it's just to give them the hands up, that you've had to tell Henry to back off, and you anticipate him getting annoyed by this so will no longer agree to working one on one with him. Good luck with it, he sounds obtuse at best and dangerous at worst.

This sounds horrendous. Knowing your new job is civil service, I would actually go off sick until your start date. They won't ask about it. Not allowed.

Just to reiterate what others have said. Namechange84 has posted the perfect response, absolutely spot on and you should use it. Good luck op.

Thank you all. I’ve deleted the Facebook messenger app so I’m not too sure what he can see. I can see from the Facebook app though that he’s sent 5 more messages. None today so far. I’m supposed to be in work later on but I’m going to call in sick, I can’t face it.
I haven’t actually stated “do not message me”, I’m a people pleaser and it’s a real pain in the arse that my politeness overrides my own self preservation. I don’t know what to do to be honest. My options are;

Reinstall Facebook messenger and send a final message telling him to not message me.

Ignore the messages, don’t read them, and hope he gets the hint.

Tell manager what Henry has been doing and ask for him to ensure 3rd staff member stays at work and doesn’t leave early. And work for the remaining 6 weeks.

Go off sick and leave company on bad terms, and risk a less than perfect reference. I’ve been a really good member of staff up until this point.

What do you all think is the best course of action?
I almost feel forced out of my job. I was browsing for other employment anyway, but Henry’s unwanted attention has forced my hand a bit. Lucky for me that I’ve got a great opportunity coming up with the CS so that is the saving grace of the whole situation.

The whole situation is making you anxious but you haven’t allowed your work to deal with it at all. I honestly think you need to tell them and then see what they say/do. If they do nothing then at that point If you went off sick with anxiety they’d at least have an inkling why.

Op don't call in sick. I'd call your manager right now and ask for an urgent chat to tell them about it and ensure you're not left alone for obvious reasons. You're the victim here, fuck his or anyone else's feeling on the matter. It doesn't matter if he's friendly with them they have to take you seriously with this sort of thing and support you.

Then I'd send a message to the fucker telling him he's no longer to contact you unless strictly work related, which will be through your work email, nothing else.

Then keep your head down and wish the next 6 weeks away.

@crosspelican
""Hey Henry, friends don't hassle friends with constant messages when they're obviously not wanted - back off and stop messaging me.""

He isn't her friend, but could use that if the OP goes further with this. It also gives him hope.

OP you're staying off work because you can't tell someone to leave you alone, that's a serious issue that you've got and you need to address it.

This could have been sorted out if you had have been straight to the point. What you've done isn't people pleasing, because from his POV you've somewhat strung him along.

Don't get me wrong, he should have backed off, but you need to get assertive.

Why you think colleagues would take his side, is strange. You're in a relationship. You have the right to tell someone to stop messaging you.

He lied about speaking to your colleague, that didn't happen.

You should have cut conversation with him after the giant remark.

You get dickheads like him in a lot of workplaces and you've got to take a tough stance.