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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you help your DC if..

116 replies

gc400 · 16/09/2019 20:05

You knew they'd been through some difficult circumstances this month and were really struggling for money until they get paid at the end of the month.

You've recently received an inheritance and have already got savings in the bank.

AIBU or would you offer to help? I'm not talking a substantial amount of money that's needed. Just a couple of hundred.

OP posts:
Durgasarrow · 17/09/2019 15:19

I think it's odd that the OP is fixated on getting money from the mother. Wouldn''t you think she'd be angrier that her husband hasn't provided her any money for her baby? Her mother has already spent a vast sum on her during the years she raised her. Why is she coming on "Am I being unreasonable" when she really wants to beg "Is my mother being unreasonable to withhold her money from me when I want it"?

Original poster
gc400 · 17/09/2019 15:21

@Durgasarrow because I have nobody else to ask Confused the situation with my baby's dad is a difficult one.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 17/09/2019 15:27

OP, what’s your situation? What are you short for, and why? Is it an ongoing problem that you don’t earn enough, or what?

notangelinajolie · 17/09/2019 15:34

Yes, for my DC's I would.

However, I would say it depends on if this is the first request for money or is it a regular occurrence? Bailing out DC's all the time will not help them learn how to manage their money. If this were the case, I would go shopping and buy formula and whatever essentials were needed but I would not be giving hundreds of pounds.

gamerchick · 17/09/2019 15:47

Her mother has already spent a vast sum on her during the years she raised her

Nobody asks to be born Hmm and I find the stingiest of parents who think like that are usually the ones who expect their kids to wipe their arse later on in life.

OP ask your HV or adviser at the job centre if you're re on benefits to refer you to a food bank.

Ginger1982 · 17/09/2019 20:35

@Durgasarrow aren't you nice? It's her mum for God's sake. You know, the person who's meant to love her unconditionally and be the person she can run to.

bridgetreilly · 17/09/2019 20:49

I wouldn't necessarily expect them to offer, but I would expect them to help if asked.

I'm really sorry that your DM doesn't get that, OP. I hope you can find a way to manage without.

Original poster
gc400 · 17/09/2019 21:06

@Ginger1982 Thanks❤️

OP posts:
Original poster
gc400 · 17/09/2019 21:07

Thank you @bridgetreilly. xx

OP posts:
TheBouquets · 17/09/2019 21:11

The baby's father should provide for the child and the child's mother as the first port of call. The baby's father is a difficult situation but not saying what. Could he be married? Could he have addictions? This being why the OP needs a couple of hundred. OP has said that she has borrowed before and always paid back. Perhaps she has forgotten something she still has to repay.
Over the years I have learned the hard way how to deal with demands for money. I will provide food but not money. I will take any DC or DGC out a buy food. I cant even give clothes because they mysteriously disappear and I am not that stupid I cant see this is not right.
The OP wants money from her mum. Mum could feel like a bank machine (ATM). The mum is a human being. Maybe mum feels like she is only acceptable to provide money
I dont know the story here but it looks a bit like money is wanted rather than a tin of formula and a number of tins of beans.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/09/2019 21:15

It would depend on whether I thought they were genuinely doing their best or whether they were a feckless chancer

Absolutely this ^^ In the first case I'd do whatever it took (and have) - in the second some difficult conversations might need to be had

However it's impossible to know which it is from the scant information given

DisaronnoConnoisseur · 17/09/2019 21:17

Where abouts are you? People can then hopefully point you in the right direction for some help. At the same time if you're local to me then I will quite happily be able to spare a couple of meals worth of food and drop it to your doorstep on my way to work tomorrow morning. We've all been through struggles, I hope things pick up for you soon. Thanks

Original poster
gc400 · 18/09/2019 13:08

Thanks everyone. DM has suggested I visit a food bank next week, so I will try to get a referral there.

I never thought I would have to visit a food bank..

OP posts:
BarbariansMum · 18/09/2019 14:01

Nothing wrong with a food bank if you need one. Would you say your mum has been disapproving of some of your recent life choices OP or has your relationship with her always been difficult? Is she worried about your relationship with your baby's father maybe?

LimitIsUp · 18/09/2019 14:02

Yes

Contraceptionismyfriend · 18/09/2019 14:54

Would depend on what choices had been made to create the situation.

Ginger1982 · 18/09/2019 17:40

"DM has suggested I visit a food bank next week, "

Wow. I could never see my child having to do this. I'm so sorry. Perhaps you need to rethink your relationship with your mum overall.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 18/09/2019 19:00

The OP hasn’t given any details, maybe her mum has had enough of having to bail her out.

I’d have bought food but we don’t know the history.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 18/09/2019 19:15

IceCream I just noticed that it's actually even more unclear than was thought. OP explained upthread that she "probably asked her for money once or twice", but later insisted "I never ask", which perhaps seems a little confusing

TBH I'm a bit surprised MNHQ haven't been along with the usual cautionary message ...

CSIblonde · 18/09/2019 19:30

Wow, your DM suggested the food bank. That's cold. If she doesn't want to feel like Bank of Mum she could at least build you up an emergency store of nappies, milk, pasta, tinned fruit, sauces, cereal etc for when things are tight .

PumpkinP · 18/09/2019 19:34

I think there’s more to it than just the mum being cold tbh since the op has been back several times but has ignored all questions.

Original poster
gc400 · 18/09/2019 19:48

I don't want to out myself with details of the situation with my baby's dad.. just know that I am a genuine poster and have been on MN for a while. I was not asking for help from anyone on here.. I just wanted to know what people thought of a parent not helping, for no reason.

I don't have ask my mum for anything unless I'm desperate or absolutely have to. I've probably asked her about 2 or 3 times since I was 18. I'm now 22.

OP posts:
Original poster
gc400 · 18/09/2019 19:48

Relationship with my mum has been strained to say the least. In general she is a cold and stand-offish person. Everyone in my family knows this.

OP posts:
Beth3886 · 18/09/2019 19:49

Even if you have to visit a food bank, just think in many years to come how proud you will be to look back & think you did everything you could.
If you lived close to me I would bring you round a meal 😊.
It sounds like family is your life and you seem a very nice person! X

Original poster
gc400 · 18/09/2019 19:49

Being in this situation has made me want to work even harder to provide for my son. I never want to experience such hardship again.

OP posts:
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