Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

I have a stalker

86 replies

smokeytoby · 16/09/2019 14:32

More of a WWYD, basically there's a bloke that I pass walking to or from my car to work, and he is usually carrying flowers that he's picked.

Quite often he gives me the flowers, compliments my appearance and then carries on walking, often referring to me as "little sister". I am about 20-30 years younger than him. Weird, but I could deal with that. I did correct him and tell him my actual name though.

At the weekend I was in a supermarket in the town and he walked up to me, said "just to let you know that haven't forgotten your name, smokeytoby", which unsettled me but I was with my partner so I just walked up to him and held his hand before leaving.

Today scared me. Today I was in a charity shop in town and as I came out, the stalker was waiting for me with a bunch of wildflowers he had picked. I thanked him sheepishly (I'm too bloody polite) and he then KISSED ME ON THE CHEEK before walking off.

I was too shocked to say anything then but I am angry and don't like it. I am only 20 years old so I am really shy when it comes to telling someone not to kiss my cheek. Am I overreacting? I want him to leave me alone, I am scared to walk back to my car.

What do I do?

OP posts:

girlwithadragontattoo · 16/09/2019 14:34

No that's not correct. Can you take pictures of this person and report to the police?

isseywithcats · 16/09/2019 14:34

Phone the police he might be innocent and maybe a bit lonely so has focussed on you but he has stepped over the line where his presence is making you feel uncomfortable

Original poster

smokeytoby · 16/09/2019 14:34

I didn't think to take pictures, how could I do it subtly? :/

OP posts:

PersonaNonGarter · 16/09/2019 14:35

Phone the police.

Original poster

smokeytoby · 16/09/2019 14:36

Should I call the non-emergency police line? He hasn't really committed a crime, so I would be worried I am wasting their time. There's not much he they can do?

OP posts:

FudgeBrownie2019 · 16/09/2019 14:38

Put your phone on silent so it won't make the 'clicky' noise when you take the pics, hold it slightly at an angle so it seems that you're scrolling through your phone looking at SM and take photos of him.

You're not overreacting. You need to protect yourself because, frankly, it's not worth the risk to ignore this. Search out your local Police station and go, use the photos and tell them everything. He might be harmless; he might be just a lonely guy. That doesn't give him - or anyone else - the right to make you feel uncomfortable at any point.

dollydaydream114 · 16/09/2019 14:40

Yes, inform the police so they’ve got it on record. Next time he comes up to you, tell him very firmly and emphatically, not smiling, that you do not want any more flowers and he is to leave you alone now and not speak to you again. He may not listen, but if you don’t say anything he would be able to argue that he didn’t know he was doing anything wrong.

Reinga · 16/09/2019 14:41

You need to establish a boundary right now, OP.
Do not accept any more gifts from this person. Is the walk to your car covered by CCTV? Is there anyone you could ask to walk with you, even temporarily?

Areyoufree · 16/09/2019 14:41

That's so strange - I had something similar happen to me when I was a teenager (many, many moons ago). A man used to be waiting for me, and walk part of the way to school with me almost every day. One day he grabbed me and kissed me (I was clearly a child, as I was in school uniform). I told a friend who told me to report it to the school. I did, and they called the police who just dismissed the man as a "guy with a crush". I was left confused and unsure what to do - ended up walking a different way to school.

Times may have changed, but I still don't think the police will do a great deal. Decline the flowers next time you see him, and become very abrupt. He took you by surprise last time, but next time he tries to touch you, be prepared to react strongly - a simple "please don't touch me" could be enough. I sympathise though, it's a horrible situation as you feel like you can never relax!

Redglitter · 16/09/2019 14:44

You're right. He hasnt committed a crime - yet. His behaviour is down right creepy though. You need to set up boundaries with him though. So far you dont appear to have said anything to him to stop his behaviour. You've given him your name and taken his flowers. Stop engaging with him. If he likes you hes probably taking your actions as encouraging theres nothing so far to indicate to him you dont want his attention.

That's probably the first thing the Police will advise you to do.

Original poster

smokeytoby · 16/09/2019 14:44

I am so shy that it is so hard to contemplate declining the flowers!

Should I just say "No, sorry, I don't need anymore flowers". What if he asks why? Or what if he gets angry?

Sorry for all of the questions, I am rubbish in social situations and don't have experience with this. I held my partner's hand infront of him in the supermarket so he saw that I have a boyfriend - I thought that might be enough to sway him but clearly not :(

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 16/09/2019 14:47

When he tries to hand you flowers, don't put out your hand. Just stand there or walk on. You don't need to say anything. If he says 'these are for you' or something, just say I don't want them and walk on.

WheelDecide · 16/09/2019 14:49

You shouldn't have given your name. Tell your work reception in case he tries to find your surname from them and drive different ways him for a bit.

PettyContractor · 16/09/2019 14:50

He thinks he's courting you. (Or at least, he could argue that if cornered. He's not obliged to share anyone else's judgement about how deluded that might be.)

However difficult you find it, you need to tell him to leave you alone. Until he's ignored such an instruction, he's not crossed a line that's crystal clear to nearly everyone.

The first time he's ignored the instruction, you can report him to the police. (But you need to be able to give them information so they can locate him, I guess, as I don't see what they can do otherwise.)

Tara336 · 16/09/2019 14:50

I had a similar experience with someone I worked with, it just kept building up gradually until I was becoming scared. Please don’t accept anything from him in future and avoid any contact where possible, also tell the police as they will record it and potentially speak to him. The guy that did it to me took a few warnings before he stopped, I actually saw him in town a few months back and he was staring and smiling at me again it was very uncomfortable, luckily he hasn’t started it up again

Redglitter · 16/09/2019 14:50

You're going to have to decline them no matter how awkward you feel. At the moment clearly this man likes you. Ges talked to you, you volunteered your name. He gives you flowers, you take them. Hes not going to see hes doing anything wrong and is probably encouraged that maybe you like him. Until you tell him to stop and to leave you alone you wont get any involvement from the Police.

Awkward or not if you want his behaviour to stop you need to do something

Reinga · 16/09/2019 14:51

OP, a firm "no thank you" to the flowers is all you need to say. You don't need to give an explanation.
I wouldn't give him anymore information about yourself.

PuzzledObserver · 16/09/2019 14:52

Contact the national stalking helpline for advice - www.suzylamplugh.org/pages/category/national-stalking-helpline

Reinga · 16/09/2019 14:53

I second what @wheelDecide said about informing your workplace.
Just to say that someone is making you uncomfortable and you want to ensure that they will not give out any of your personal details.

Fcukthisshit · 16/09/2019 14:53

I’d change your routine up. Can you get a lift to and from work so you don’t have to walk that way? Maybe a colleague could help so you don’t have to walk in on your own. Is there any other options for where you park your car so you don’t need to go past where you see him? He may be harmless but there’s a chance he isn’t so you need to take this seriously and be on your guard. I’d report to the police non emergency number just so it’s logged.

PettyContractor · 16/09/2019 14:54

I was very shy at your age, so I understand how hard it is. Maybe it's worth getting some assertiveness training as a way of feeling like you're doing something, it could make a big beneficial difference to your life generally, even if this ends up being resolved some other way.

(I have no idea if such training is available or works. I just hope it's a solution, as I know that that my life could have been better if shyness hadn't got in the way.)

Original poster

smokeytoby · 16/09/2019 14:54

Something I forgot to say (sorry if I'm drip feeding) is that once he gave me flowers in the street and a woman saw and said "don't worry love he does that to everyone".

These flowers are only dandelions or some wild flowers he has picked, and usually only a couple, it isn't an extravagant bunch that he has paid any money for. They're just flowers he has found on bushes etc.

OP posts:

mankyfourthtoe · 16/09/2019 15:01

Hands in your pocket and say no Thankyou and walk quickly.
You're engaging with him and encouraging him.
Don't hold his hand etc, he's a stranger and odd!
Headphones in is good too.

loutypips · 16/09/2019 15:05

Don't be abrupt with him, you don't know if he will turn nasty. Be polite, but firm and turn down the flowers. If you feel you need an excuse, say that you've got an allergy or hay fever.

I had similar when I was a teen, the son (in his 40's) of a colleague would give me little gifts, then sent me a letter to my home address after following me home from work. In the letter he described what he wanted to do to me, quite graphically. My mum called his mum as he still lived at home and got a sob story that if I turned him down he would try to commit suicide (he had previously tried the same with another girl). Ended up contacting the police and they had firm words with him.

Unfortunately, some men see you accepting a gift from them as an invitation. Please speak to work and let them know that they aren't to share any details etc.
If he persists then contact the police.

squeaver · 16/09/2019 15:07

I wonder if he has a learning disability? Perhaps that would explain the woman's comment about "does that to everyone".

I know you're shy and don't want to upset anyone. But I would say, perhaps when your partner is also there, "I have enough flowers now, thank you." Then next time, "No thank you". And repeat.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread