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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I have a stalker

86 replies

smokeytoby · 16/09/2019 14:32

More of a WWYD, basically there's a bloke that I pass walking to or from my car to work, and he is usually carrying flowers that he's picked.

Quite often he gives me the flowers, compliments my appearance and then carries on walking, often referring to me as "little sister". I am about 20-30 years younger than him. Weird, but I could deal with that. I did correct him and tell him my actual name though.

At the weekend I was in a supermarket in the town and he walked up to me, said "just to let you know that haven't forgotten your name, smokeytoby", which unsettled me but I was with my partner so I just walked up to him and held his hand before leaving.

Today scared me. Today I was in a charity shop in town and as I came out, the stalker was waiting for me with a bunch of wildflowers he had picked. I thanked him sheepishly (I'm too bloody polite) and he then KISSED ME ON THE CHEEK before walking off.

I was too shocked to say anything then but I am angry and don't like it. I am only 20 years old so I am really shy when it comes to telling someone not to kiss my cheek. Am I overreacting? I want him to leave me alone, I am scared to walk back to my car.

What do I do?

OP posts:

EllaEllaE · 16/09/2019 15:08

If the idea of saying 'no' in the moment is scary (totally understandable) then you can practice at home. It sounds silly, but it really helps. Practice saying what you want to tell him next time, out loud at home. If possible, get someone to role play it with you.

Yes, it sounds a bit kooky. But it can really help to get used to hearing yourself say "No I don't want them. You need to leave me alone now." out loud until it no longer sounds rude.

There are some good ideas online if you search for "How to say no". Like this one: psychcentral.com/blog/is-it-hard-for-you-to-say-no/

MyNameIsArthur · 16/09/2019 15:08

Is possible he just thinks he is being romantic but this is not right on many levels . You are way too young for him but also it's inappropriate for him to be hassling you in this manner and making you feel uncomfortable.

I would suggest firstly you start a diary of everything that happens in case it continues and escalates. Secondly, go out with a friend or couple of friends but ask the friend to walk some distance from you, then if this bloke turns up, your friend can take a photo of him and maybe follow him to see where he lives so he can be identified. However, I do realise that there is no guarantee he will turn up but may be worth a try. Thirdly, if it is hard for you to assert yourself, may be your oartner can gave words with him if he turns up again

MyNameIsArthur · 16/09/2019 15:11

Sorry, just saw your further post. Sounds like he could have learning difficulties

Dontbsicily · 16/09/2019 15:11

Sounds like the guy has mental health issues and judging by your previous post, this is something he does to others.

Agree with @mankyfourthtoe, just ignore him and walk away. He is likely used to this behaviour from other women as, it is rare someone would be as kind as you and acknowledge him IMO.

If you don't feel comfortable ignoring or being rude. Just simply say 'No, thank you' and I would recommend you repeat this if he continues to speak to you, even if it would be completely out of context.

E.g. 'How are you?'
'No, thank you'
'Don't you like the flowers?'
'No, thank you'

From what that woman said to you, he sounds harmless but, that doesn't mean that he is so, be careful how much you engage with him and if necessary, speak to the police. He may be well known by them already.

PettyContractor · 16/09/2019 15:12

I think there are lots of the women who are sometimes terrified by men, men who in their own heads are being friendly and kind. (Albeit with a sexual motive.)

I think it might be a good idea in the modern world to introduce a rule that you're only allowed to express interest in someone if you've matched on a dating app. But until the rule exists, an ability to tell people to leave you alone is an important life-skill.

Jux · 16/09/2019 15:13

Have your phone in your hand when you walk to or from your car at work. If he approaches with flowers keep your other hand in a pocket or behind your back. Say "no thank you", shake your head.

Practise this. It'll become habit if you do it often, so practise a lot. It won't take long.

Do tell the police just in case. They will note it. Yes, on the non'-emergency number.

DontCallMeShitley · 16/09/2019 15:13

Something I forgot to say (sorry if I'm drip feeding) is that once he gave me flowers in the street and a woman saw and said "don't worry love he does that to everyone".

It seems as if he might be known, see if you can find out about him, if there is any special accommodation nearby (sorry I don't know the correct name for it). He has taken a liking to you for sure, and may be completely harmless, but you do need to find out, and deal with it. Because you have been kind to him he thinks it is OK.

SuzieQ10 · 16/09/2019 15:14

When you say you pass him on your way to work from the car. What is he doing there? Is he waiting, passing by or seems to be there for a reason?
I'd try and take another route or walk in with a friend. Say no to the flowers 'no thank you. Goodbye'. It's best if you make it clear that you have no interest in interacting further.

WhatWhyWhen · 16/09/2019 15:16

This isn’t a stalker or a police thing I don’t think sorry.

He’s clearly a bit off kilter but you haven’t drawn any boundaries so why shouldn’t he carry on?

You HAVE to just say no. “No thank you I don’t want the flowers”. Any other interactions either “NO” or silence and walk away.

He carries on after that, then you can report. I don’t think he will to be honest.

Lvsel · 16/09/2019 15:16

Wow this is so creepy.
You need to be upfront and say you appreciate the flowers but it is upsetting your partner so can he stop

CheeseToastMarmite · 16/09/2019 15:17

Lots of useful advice here OP www.scaredofsomeone.org/

Don’t leave it or it will get worse

verticality · 16/09/2019 15:18

Given the fact that another woman has told you he does this to other women, I would suggest that he maybe has MH issues or learning difficulties.

Be firm, and try to use body language to be assertive. When he offers you flowers say "Thank you, but I won't take them today, I prefer to see them in nature" and turn or move away from him. When you see him, pick up the pace and pass him breezily with a 'Hello' that is also a silent goodbye.

Original poster

smokeytoby · 16/09/2019 15:19

He is often just walking in the opposite direction, always has headphones in but always tries to talk to me.

I never see him in a work uniform so I have no idea where he is walking to or from, but today was the first day he actually waited for me outside of a shop.

I understand what a few PPs have said, I have not drawn any boundaries and while he doesn't have any openly obvious learning-difficulties, there might be something going on as for most people this isn't really normal.

I'll try my best to stand firm, have my headphones on and say "no thank you" without stopping walking. I will update on how it goes, thank you for all the advice x

OP posts:

GoGoJo · 16/09/2019 15:20

You should read The Gift of Fear. He might be harmless, he might not, but the important thing is that he has crossed normal boundaries and made you feel uncomfortable. The book will help you to understand how to assess risk, the importance of disengaging, and how to prioritise your boundaries (saying no) over fear of being rude.

I really think it would be a big help for you in deciding what to do going forward. He seems to be following you now. I would be concerned.

Can you get a friend to walk behind you and take pictures one day?

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0747538352/ref=asc dff_0747538352/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=310805565966&hvpos=1o1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=3984914120136055547&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1006745&hvtargid=aud-543776533562:pla-525969421393&psc=1&th=1&psc=1

Topseyt · 16/09/2019 15:20

It sounds creepy no matter why he does it.

Decline the flowers firmly from now on and tell him to leave you alone. Engage no further, but if he does not leave you alone than you should call the police on 101 and get their advice.

In fact, why not get their advice anyway?

ReanimatedSGB · 16/09/2019 15:20

At the moment this man doesn't know that you don't want his gifts and dislike his attentions. He does sound as though he may have some sort of MH or SN issue, and the fact that you smile at him, speak to him, have given him your name and accepted flowers from him will have led him to believe that you are enjoying his attentions. So you will have to inform him that you want him to leave you alone.

GoGoJo · 16/09/2019 15:22

Also his mental health issues/ learning disabilities are not your problem. Your problem is keeping yourself safe. Considering what has happened I would be erring on the side of caution.

Yadid · 16/09/2019 15:24

Try the 101 website and see if they call you back when you log it.

MyNameIsArthur · 16/09/2019 15:26

If it is hard for you to speak to him OP, would it help if you typed up a message for him (for him to stop etc) ready to give to him if he approaches you again? Just hand it to him and walk away quickly.

KittyKel · 16/09/2019 15:26

I had a ‘stalker’, he used to hang around outside my house sometimes (luckily I was at work) and when I called the police they said they would send a patrol around to have a word with him, so it is definitely worth reporting it. Whether they did or not, I don’t know but it did stop and so it was worth it IMO.

Dragongirl10 · 16/09/2019 15:28

Op please don't engage with him at all, don't smile or talk to him and why on earth would you go up and hold his hand?
A firm 'no thank you' on repeat and walk away is what is needed here.

ButterflyOne1 · 16/09/2019 15:29

Are you seriously using the fact that you're shy as a cope out of not standing up for yourself???

Bloody be assertive and tell him to leave you alone. You can not assume you have a stalker unless you've told him to leave you alone. It might be a coincidence him being around wherever you are.

I see a man on my way into work and leaving work every day yet I don't assume he's a stalker.

JumpyLiz · 16/09/2019 15:30

Dragongirl10

She held her partners hand.

Original poster

smokeytoby · 16/09/2019 15:30

@Dragongirl10 I think people are getting confused, I held my partner's hand. I did this so the stalker would clearly see that I had a partner and would therefore not be interested. It didn't work

OP posts:

Janicejaniceahmfallin · 16/09/2019 15:30

OP, you urgently need to firm up your boundaries. Most people feel some kind of obligation to be polite to friendly strangers, but women especially are conditioned to 'be nice', no matter how uncomfortable they may feel.

I'm a lot longer in the tooth than you are (and consider myself pretty feisty and straight-talking) but this has happened to me relatively recently with a younger, slightly strange guy who shops at the same supermarket as me. Even down to me telling him my name (he asked me outright and I was totally taken aback and just told him - big mistake), followed a few weeks later by him grabbing me and kissing my cheek, which - as innocuous as it sounds - was actually quite shocking and afterwards made me feel both icky and really quite angry. I'd always smiled or said hello when he approached me as I suspected he might be on the spectrum and just making a clumsy approach, but even after he knew I was married and had told him straight that the kiss was offensively inappropriate, it didn't deter him and I'd always see him watching me and planning which aisle he'd 'accidentally' bump into me (which funnily enough didn't happen whenever I was there with my husband) .

It was my sister who talked sense into me. She works in a psychiatry clinic and a couple of the therapists have been stalked. She told me to disengage absolutely. Don't be confrontational, just look straight through him, if he tries to speak simply say 'please leave me alone, you are making me uncomfortable'.

Please stop being polite, OP. You don't have to be nice. I know it can feel terrible to be so cold to someone's face, but you really don't know if this guy is harmless, and your spidey senses seem to be telling you otherwise.

Avoid if you can, and if you can't, don't give him the oxygen of your attention. And do warn your workplace, as others have suggested.

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