I have a stalker

[smokeytoby]

More of a WWYD, basically there's a bloke that I pass walking to or from my car to work, and he is usually carrying flowers that he's picked.

Quite often he gives me the flowers, compliments my appearance and then carries on walking, often referring to me as "little sister". I am about 20-30 years younger than him. Weird, but I could deal with that. I did correct him and tell him my actual name though.

At the weekend I was in a supermarket in the town and he walked up to me, said "just to let you know that haven't forgotten your name, smokeytoby", which unsettled me but I was with my partner so I just walked up to him and held his hand before leaving.

Today scared me. Today I was in a charity shop in town and as I came out, the stalker was waiting for me with a bunch of wildflowers he had picked. I thanked him sheepishly (I'm too bloody polite) and he then KISSED ME ON THE CHEEK before walking off.

I was too shocked to say anything then but I am angry and don't like it. I am only 20 years old so I am really shy when it comes to telling someone not to kiss my cheek. Am I overreacting? I want him to leave me alone, I am scared to walk back to my car.

What do I do?

Dont accept them anymore. Just say, " hi, no thanks" and walk off quickly. If he follow you, tell him "please dont follow me, j dont like it" if he carrys on then take his picture and report to 101.

I knew someone who was pestered like this once she told her stalker to "best leave me alone my boyfrined is being relased from broadmoor next week and he's already s murdered 2 people".

Bit extreme but he ran for it never heard of him again! Not suggesting that you do OP;!.

I would call the non-emergency police line and ask for advice on how to handle it if it escalates. If there are people saying, "he does that with everyone," it's quite likely someone will have raised concerns in the past and they'll already be aware of him and whether it has escalated in the past and how much of a risk he is currently perceived to be. They can advise you how to avoid being in a difficult situation with him.

I had something similar and talked to a local police officer I saw at the school gates about it. She couldn´t place the person but clearly talked to others who recognised him and warned him off (I live in a small place). He now turns on his heel when he sees me.

I´d do something similar in your place.

Definitely call the police. I was stalked by an ex for a few months and I didn’t tell the police because I didn’t think it was anything ‘that serious’, he was just being an annoying twat. He eventually assaulted me in broad daylight.

The police can and should help. Next time you see him do not engage with him, don’t take the flowers and try to hurry away from him. You shouldn’t have told him your name but I guess that horse has bolted...

I am leaving work now - I am getting a lift from my mum today but I shall keep this thread updated as to if/when I encounter him again, and what I am able to muster up the courage to say when it happens! I am feeling powerful about this now, I owe him sod all, he is confident enough to kiss me without my permission so I have the right to be confident enough to say no to his flowers. He is only being like the because I am letting him. Thank you all!

Good luck OP! Was going to put a flowers emoji up but realised that is probably a bad idea in your case! 😁

My DD was stalked on her way to college on the train. It was making her feel uncomfortable so she used to call me to meet her if he was on the same train. The station staff could not have been more helpful - they organised for the transport police to get on the train she normally caught. When he approached her they filmed it and had uniformed colleagues intercept him at the ticket gates.

He has left her alone ever since.

I don’t think it’s stalking at the moment. I would be tempted to go into the police station and let them decide if it’s a matter for them but at least then, you know you’ve been responsible.
You are being very nice and I think you’d be uncomfortable with being rude. But a firm, “no thank you” honestly isn’t rude to a stranger. And if he presses, repeat with a “goodbye”.
I know why you held your boyfriend’s hand but i agree with others, saying he wouldn’t approve makes you seem weak.
Keep us posted.

Update - yesterday DP met me in town for my lunch break, and we went to a local cafe. DP was facing the window and as we were eating out lunch he said "smokey, don't look round but the man is at the window of the cafe". He was looking through the window at DP and I and he was holding some small flowers, but when he got up to speak to him the man quickly walked off.

After I meal, DP wanted to walk with me in the direction the man went, and if he found him he was going to ask him to leave me alone, but we didn't see him again.

I saw the man walking past my workplace this morning but I don't think he saw me. I will report this to the non-emergency police line.

I don’t know why so many people are quick to label him as having learning difficulties, as if creepy pervy men who like to harras young women don’t exist. I find people are often quick to defend bad male behaviour with excuses of possible disabilities, dementia, loneliness etc. An excuse never trotted out for women who behave badly.

Either way though it’s irrelevant, it’s doesn’t change the impact his behaviour has on OP, in fact suggesting learning difficulties only implies that the OP has more responsibility to deal with the situation “nicely”.

OP you need to unlearn all the social conditioning that tells women to be polite to men, no matter what. I do empathise, I used to be like you, but I’ve learnt that these men couldn’t care less if they’re making you uncomfortable, so why on earth should you prioritise their feelings too.

I think next time you need to tell him that you find his behaviour inappropriate, you have a boyfriend, he’s old enough to be your father, and you want him to stop giving you flowers. I know it’s not easy, but you have to learn to speak up for yourself or men like this will always harass you.