I have a stalker

[smokeytoby]

More of a WWYD, basically there's a bloke that I pass walking to or from my car to work, and he is usually carrying flowers that he's picked.

Quite often he gives me the flowers, compliments my appearance and then carries on walking, often referring to me as "little sister". I am about 20-30 years younger than him. Weird, but I could deal with that. I did correct him and tell him my actual name though.

At the weekend I was in a supermarket in the town and he walked up to me, said "just to let you know that haven't forgotten your name, smokeytoby", which unsettled me but I was with my partner so I just walked up to him and held his hand before leaving.

Today scared me. Today I was in a charity shop in town and as I came out, the stalker was waiting for me with a bunch of wildflowers he had picked. I thanked him sheepishly (I'm too bloody polite) and he then KISSED ME ON THE CHEEK before walking off.

I was too shocked to say anything then but I am angry and don't like it. I am only 20 years old so I am really shy when it comes to telling someone not to kiss my cheek. Am I overreacting? I want him to leave me alone, I am scared to walk back to my car.

What do I do?

@ButterflyOne1
Not as a cop out, but instead just something I thought I should disclose about myself which is why I find it difficult to stand up for myself. I am tough in the workplace and do not for one second get pushed around, however out in public I am easily intimidated and frightened. Someone being as forward as he is makes me feel really disconcerted. I am also afraid that if I say "leave me alone" it will make him angry, which others have suggested too.

I didn't assume he was a stalker until he followed me in the supermarket just to tell me he knew my name, and also when he waited outside a shop for me to come out, despite not knowing me at all.

OOps sorry should probably put my glasses on!

Does he have learning disabilities do you think? Many of the service users I’ve worked with have done things like this, all innocent, as they don’t understand boundaries, but understandably upsetting if someone is unaware and does not welcome the attention. Even if he does, that doesn’t mean you have to ‘put up with it’, your feelings count too!!

@IsobelRae23

Honestly I can't really see that he does, if he does they aren't obvious to the outward observer. Having worked with people who have SEN and having an autistic boyfriend, "stalker" doesn't seem to have any sort of real issues other than boundary issues.

I agree with pp suggesting you walk on by saying 'no thank you', but if you find yourself in conversation again, you might use your boyfriend, so tell him, 'my boyfriend doesn't like me talking to you/accepting flowers' and then walk away. Good luck and hopefully he will take the hint and leave you alone.

I think it might be a good idea in the modern world to introduce a rule that you're only allowed to express interest in someone if you've matched on a dating app.

Good grief.

So no friendly encounters with harmless people at a bus stop, no chatting to a fellow dogwalker, no greeting neighbours or the nice person who gives you your takeaway coffee?

Instead, the entire world must sign up to a dating app before contact.
Because as everyone knows, weirdos don't frequent dating apps.

People says no to call the police are being a bit hasty. Maybe try telling him that your not interested and tell him you feel uncomfortable about what he’s doing? If he carries on then of course hone the police but at the moment he does not know that he’s making you feel uncomfortable?

I would feel weird calling the police as he hasn't committed any crime. I also agree with other PPs as I didn't realise before, but I haven't actually set any boundaries. I have been polite, I've given him my name, I've accepted his flowers, and for someone who may not understand boundaries particularly well he probably thinks I am keen on him!

The first thing I need to do is grow a pair of bollocks and politely but very firmly say "no thank you" to the flowers and keep walking. I often walk around town in a rush while doing errands on my lunch break so walking quickly past him shouldn't be too hard.

so tell him, 'my boyfriend doesn't like me talking to you/accepting flowers' and then walk away

NOOOOO!!!!

OP must make it clear it is she herself who doesn't want the attention.

Stalking is a crime. Talk to the police and to Paladin for support.

paladinservice.co.uk

Something I forgot to say (sorry if I'm drip feeding) is that once he gave me flowers in the street and a woman saw and said "don't worry love he does that to everyone".

As others have said, he almost certainly has a mental health problem or a learning difficulty of some sort.

But that does not make it even remotely OK for him to kiss you - he should absolutely not have done that. The fact is that, regardless of his motives, you are feeling uncomfortable with his attentions and he is pestering you.

'Sorry, I don't need any more flowers' isn't going to cut the mustard here. You need to be calm and firm and say 'STOP giving me flowers and leave me alone now.' And if he tries to touch you again in any way, say 'DO NOT touch me. I don't like it'.

Believe me, I do know how hard this is. I find those sorts of situations difficult as well, and I found it even more difficult when I was younger. But you do need to be blunt with him because bluntness is the only language he is going to understand. I strongly doubt he will be angry with you - and you will not be the first woman to tell him to go away, either.

Have you told your partner about this? Because I think if you see him when you're with your partner again, like the time in the supermarket, and you find it difficult to say anything, it might be an idea for your partner to have a firm but non-aggressive word with him on your behalf.

Think I would pop in to the local police station for advise, he may well be known to them & be able to give you some information as to how to deal with it effectively

whether he is harmless or not, he is making you feel uncomfortable, and has crossed the boundary of acceptable behaviour.

I agree with the others that you may need to take atougher stance. He may react, but if you are prepared for this, it never seems so bad.

Also, jot down when you see him. It you live in a small town, you could easily bump into someone a lot, not so in a bigger place.

Vary your routine, when and how you travel to work, shop etc. Then you can determine whether he has the same weekly routine or not (hence keep bumping into you), or whether he is deliberately stalking you.

Agree with Mariana 100%. DO NOT make it about your boyfriend's feelings, smokey - if this guy has any twisted notion that he is somehow 'connected' to you, it could simply play into a fantasy that you'd be with him if only you could.

If you find yourself in a situation where you have no choice but to interact with him, the rejection must come from you and it must be clear and emotionless. 'You need to leave me alone'. 'I don't want to you to talk to me any more.' 'No more flowers, thanks.' And, as you've said, keep walking, don't look back.

It may be that he has unidentifiable SEN, but it could equally well be that he's just one of these fuckers who know that polite social conventions allow them to transgress boundaries with women. Either way, his feelings are not your problem.

It's not a police matter.
Just say no thank you next time he approaches.
Don't engage.
You can do this !

He may just have got the wrong impression as you have been accepting the flowers and have given him your name. It is certainly quite creepy to kiss you though especially considering he is a lot older. Next time refuse to accept or engage. If he doesn't get the message then you need to contact the police. Otherwise I don't think they will do anything.

It actually IS a police matter.
Stalking is a criminal offence.

I see a man on my way into work and leaving work every day yet I don't assume he's a stalker. Does he comment on your appearance, call you 'little sister', hand you a bunch of weeds and kiss you?

OP you are young and respectful and conditioned to be nice to people. There are sadly people who will take advantage of your good nature. In being nice to this man you have created a problem for yourself, but there are ways to deal with it. I would wear some headphones, hands in pockets and shake my head while mouthing "no thanks" if he tried to approach me. If he persists report him. Sadly there are many men who see an unaccompanied female as unclaimed property.

He might be creepy, he might be socially awkward or a little lonely, but if he’s making you feel unsettled, you need to tell him. It needn’t be confrontational - perhaps a smile and say ‘thank you, that’s very kind, but I have a partner and I wouldn’t feel right accepting these flowers.’ If he does seem lonely not weird, perhaps a lighthearted ‘I’d hate to make him jealous about you!’ could reinforce it. I know it’s terribly anti-feminist to say it, but in the days when I had unwanted attention, telling the guy I was married tended to stop it dead.

If he does seem lonely not weird, perhaps a lighthearted ‘I’d hate to make him jealous about you

Oh dear

Get your man involved to set it clear if you cant, arrange he walks with you or if hes in the supermarket again get your man to say "can I help you??" In a firm tone. I had same happen with a worker in Asda, just overly obsessed with me asking for my number n stuff, couldnt get my shopping done as he would actually stall me for 20 mins chatting shite! He soon got the hint when I told him my husband wasnt happy - and took him shopping. Akward at first but now I dont dread if I see him as he just sticks to his work now.

Stalking is taken very seriously by the police. Ok the lines are blurred here as you haven’t set boundaries but from what you wrote it sounds like he is actively seeking you out to speak to you.
I would speak to the stalking charity linked by pp and also ring the police 101 line for advice. I would also keep a diary of each encounter, where, when and what happened to build a picture.

“I’d hate to make him jealous” plays into his relationship fantasy. Please don’t say that! As pps have said, don’t make it about your boyfriend or he might see him as the only barrier to being with you —not something that you need to encourage.

'I'd hate to make him jealous about you!'

Really and truly DO NOT say that.

www.suzylamplugh.org/faqs/what-is-stalking
Suzy Lamplugh Trust has some great information and advice.

I was stalked by a colleague and it started off completely unnoticable until I found out through a male friend that the stalker had been indicating to people that my boyfriend was practically holding me hostage, was rough as fuck and I was too scared to leave him. None of that was true. I had not realised that he was building up a picture of our life together. Stalking can involve delusional fantasy about your future together. Yours sounds like a similar pattern of behaviour to my stalker:

• No response from me, I ignored all his hints and did not mention the very obvious gifts he was sending to my house
• He increased contact, calling to my house early at weekends, saying he was just passing (I live in a cul-de-sac and lived alone at the time)
• Started sending me more disturbung and sexualised gifts
• Nobody at work could mention my boyfriend's name (stalker requested this of our manager, who colluded. I did not find out until after I left)
• He ended up chasing me one night, screaming my name. I did not report him. I left the job immediately. I literally never went in again. My boyfriend phoned my workplace and said we would be calling the police if I saw him again.

I saw it as an unhealthy obsession, but it was stalking and it escalated. Take the necessary steps to safeguard yourself.