In thinking that 'I just say it as it is/I'm just brutally honest blah blah' is just an excuse for rudeness?

[BenWillbondsPants]

You see it on here all the time.

Yesterday, some friends popped round and one of them brought her cousin with her. Friend had had quite a change in colour and style of hair (she looks great) and a couple of us complimented her on this. Cousin then chimes in with 'it doesn't really suit you (I think it does), it makes your face look fatter and a bit older'.

When friend looks hurt and some of us challenge cousin's comments, she pulls out the old 'Just being honest and saying it how it is' nonsense. Holding her hands up in a 'just trying to help' gesture. Then we had the 'you know me, honest as the day is long, people don't have to like it but that's just the way I am/why should I sugarcoat the truth' shite. I'm not quoting verbatim, but you get the gist of it.

It really pissed me off. Partly because my friend was hurt and partly because this opinion (which she's entitled to have, of course) was unasked for and seemingly given with the sole purpose of hurting someone's feelings.

I'm all for giving honest opinions if asked, but I reckon we all know someone who thinks that everyone needs to hear their 'honest/I say it how it is' shite. Most adults are surely capable of giving their thoughts in a way that doesn't make them a big old arsehole?

So, these 'truth tellers' (whose truth?) - AIBU to think it's just an excuse to be rude and bring someone else down?

YANBU.
It was probably also the cousin's way of getting some attention back on herself.

Rude!! What a nasty woman she is

I don't think it's rude. Everyone is entitled to their opinion is how they deliver it which is rude. I like to think blunt but I don't purposely say things to hurt other people but if they want an honest opinion I won't lie either.

She sounds like a peach

YANBU.

There’s a reason they say if you can’t say anything nice..... don’t say anything at all.

YANBU- some people just don’t it have it in them to be kind.

People who are "honest" without diplomacy are rude, yes.
I hate people who make a big deal out of "telling it how it is".
There's the truth and the whole truth.

Yes I think so too, not always - but often people who proudly proclaim they ‘tell it how it is’ and ‘don’t bullshit’ just lack tact and the emotional intelligence to know when is appropriate to share their views, or deliver them in a non hurtful way. There really is no need to tell someone their hair looks bad, it’s not like you’re virtuous or ‘real’ for it. Sometimes ‘sugarcoating’ is just reading the room and not being a tone deaf bellend.

Depends whether the friend genuinely wanted to know if her hair was nice. I doubt it - it was too late to change it so she probably just wanted to be told it was nice even if it wasn’t. In which case it’s rude to say it’s not. There are some occasions where a person actually wants an honest answer but this wasn’t one of them.

Rude and says more about her and and her fragile self-esteem than I suspect she would care to admit. I have a friend who does this all the time - we take the statements entirely at face value with no overt offence and explain to her straight-faced how actually she's wrong and we love whatever it is. Works well

Very rude. I think people who ‘say it how it is’ are just selfish fuckers who can’t be bothered to think about how other people might feel. I’m pretty sure they’d take offence if the boot was on the other foot and they were on the receiving end of such ‘truths’.

I particularly hate the 'It's just the way I am' people. Like they aren't capable of changing, perhaps growing an empathetic bone and considering how their 'just being honest' comments might upset people.

It's basically a way of denying any responsibility for their rudeness. Not my fault, I have no control over my big fat mouth ...

but if they want an honest opinion I won't lie either.

But my friend didn't ask for any opinions, she received some compliments from other women, when her cousin jumped in and made her feel shit.

I kind of feel if someone has to say 'I just say it as it is' etc., it's normally in reaction to someone else pulling them up about their manner. In which case, they probably need to work on that.

Sometimes ‘sugarcoating’ is just reading the room and not being a tone deaf bellend.

100% agree.

I think saying 'oh I'm just brutally honest' is a cop-out.

Agreed. There is a difference between being honest and being a prick. An honest person (if asked) could say “Personally I prefer you with long hair, but it looks great either way.” Or just not say anything at all. Simple. The cousin didn’t need to chime in.

That whole “I just say it like it is” crap is spouted by the same people who bully then call their victim a “snowflake” or tell them to “put your big girl pants on” for being justifiably upset.

The bottom line is the drive to undermine and thereby feel superior. Quite pathetic really, so it’s great you and your friends called the cousin out on it.

YANBU. I have a 'friend' who comes out with comments designed to make you feel shit. Then she clamps her hand over her mouth in mock horror and says something like 'Oops, sorry. I'm from Yorkshire and we're very honest. We just say it like it is.' I wish I had the guts to call her out. Not everyone in Yorkshire is that fecking rude. She's not a happy person.

Although no-one was asked a few of you mentioned the hair. maybe cousin thought this was the perfect opportunity to bring it up.

I remember a hair disaster a few years ago. I hated it for lots of reasons. I had a few people lie and say it was great. Some told me the truth. It did hurt because they confirmed what I knew iyswim.

Some call me blunt. Some call me rude. I don't lie and tell them which isn't often sugar-coated.

'Oops, sorry. I'm from Yorkshire and we're very honest. We just say it like it is.'

That's horrible.

I have a friend who I always ask an honest opinion of as I know I'll get it, but in a kind and constructive way. Never to make you feel crap and certainly not said with that smug half-smile on her face that my friends cousin had yesterday.

I binned a friend because of her outspoken attitude. Always 'saying it how it is' or 'I'm entitled to my opinion'. She was often hurtful towards me and to others which I found embarrassing. Btw her grown up children have nothing to do with her and she gave the reason as 'I'm not very maternal.....just saying it how it is' That was the moment my blinkers came off.
If you can't say something nice, say nothing.

Even worse are the rude people who say "but I'm the only one with the guts to say what you're all thinking ".

The cousin was jealous of the attention your friend was getting and wants to position herself higher up the hierarchy by suggesting they have such a close relationship she can say what she likes to your friend.

Had a similar situation recently - was my sister-in-law's 40th - my DP and I went out with sis-in-law and her daughter for drinks Sis-in-law and daughter are v v close but daughter likes the attention on her - not mum. We bought a lovely silver pendant for sis-in-law and when she opened it daughter sat there with a face like a smacked arse saying: "I don't like it", "I hate necklaces" "doesn't suit you." It was jealousy and also she likes to have mum to herself - fears others threatening her number one position.

None of us took any notice and I was happy to see sis-in-law wearing the necklace for the next few days we were with her.

My elderly neighbour likes to claim she says things as they are. She is rude nosey boot she is lucky I respect the elderly or I'd tell her to piss off.
I planted flowers she looked over are they weeds your planting, or your hair looks yellow today, she argues with neighbours bus drivers she is a fit woman for her age but very rude.
Anytime I am in the garden she arrives.

@Spingtrolls but who decides what the 'truth' is? I think my friend looks fantastic after her haircut. She clearly, felt good about it herself. Why should her cousin say something unkind then declare that what she says is the truth?

Sometimes, you don't have to say anything at all, particularly not invited to.

I do not understand why someone would want to hurt/upset someone just so that they can 'tell it like it is', it is just mean .

Even worse are the rude people who say "but I'm the only one with the guts to say what you're all thinking ".

Yes, this is worse. Don't think you need to fucking speak for me!

This is like my mother in law saying if she doesn’t like someone, she lets them know. She says it as if it is a virtue and doing others a favour but actually it’s just a bullying tactic, a warning that if you step out of line you’ll be in for it.

The poeple like this women who are rude KNOW they are rude. They have experienced silence and people shocked and people telling them they are rude... but they still do it. They can’t help themselves. Their jealousy is so great it rules them.

My cousin was like this! We don’t speak now, she has no friends. 🤷🏻‍♀️