In thinking that 'I just say it as it is/I'm just brutally honest blah blah' is just an excuse for rudeness?

[BenWillbondsPants]

You see it on here all the time.

Yesterday, some friends popped round and one of them brought her cousin with her. Friend had had quite a change in colour and style of hair (she looks great) and a couple of us complimented her on this. Cousin then chimes in with 'it doesn't really suit you (I think it does), it makes your face look fatter and a bit older'.

When friend looks hurt and some of us challenge cousin's comments, she pulls out the old 'Just being honest and saying it how it is' nonsense. Holding her hands up in a 'just trying to help' gesture. Then we had the 'you know me, honest as the day is long, people don't have to like it but that's just the way I am/why should I sugarcoat the truth' shite. I'm not quoting verbatim, but you get the gist of it.

It really pissed me off. Partly because my friend was hurt and partly because this opinion (which she's entitled to have, of course) was unasked for and seemingly given with the sole purpose of hurting someone's feelings.

I'm all for giving honest opinions if asked, but I reckon we all know someone who thinks that everyone needs to hear their 'honest/I say it how it is' shite. Most adults are surely capable of giving their thoughts in a way that doesn't make them a big old arsehole?

So, these 'truth tellers' (whose truth?) - AIBU to think it's just an excuse to be rude and bring someone else down?

Yup - people who stand behind the “I am just being honest / I am what I am / if you don’t like me that’s your problem” are the worst.

Being true to yourself and being honest with how you live your life is empowering but there is NOTHING empowering about simply being a cunt.

Diplomacy and tact and consideration for people’s feelings does not make you fake - I can be honest without making someone else feel like an arsehole and I can live my life without hurting others even if I don’t agree with their life style or opinions, because that’s what a decent human being does.

It's reasonable to be honest if you are asked for an opinion - although you shouldn't word this brutally - a simple 'I preferred your hair before' would be all that's needed.

If you haven't been asked for an opinion, you shouldn't offer one unless it's to pay a compliment.

the "I'm just being honest" line is an arsehole because invariably they're "being honest" to point score or put someone down. It's never in a way that boosts the other person's ego, is it?

I agree. Also the, 'it had to be said' arseholes. It's almost as bad as, 'she had a right to know/he had a right to know'

Oh you're safeguarding their rights are you ? Nope, just shit stirring.

I wish those that say these things would be on the receiving end of, 'just being honest/it had to be/needs to be said/had a right to know etc

If you haven't been asked for an opinion, you shouldn't offer one unless it's to pay a compliment

This. I'd much prefer to give a cheerleader response than a cuntish one (though the middle ground here is probably about right).

People who use their ‘honesty’ to get away with abusing others are usually just insecure in themselves and this makes them feel better.

Everyone I’ve come across who’s made a huge deal of ‘I tell like it like it is, me’ is always a massive PITA tbh and usually quite 2-faced and hypocritical anyway

@neonglow, totally agree. And @BenWillibondsPants you are so NOT BU! All that 'I tell it like it is' shite is just code for 'I'm about to be rude and you have to let me. Because it's 'just' me!' UGH

Oops, sorry. I'm from Yorkshire and we're very honest. We just say it like it is.

Ah yes. From Yorkshire. "I say what I like. And I like what I bloody well say". We're all like that up here, you know

We've a teacher in the family who says she's constantly pulling up teenagers for saying something rude/mean and then insisting it's just because they're "honest" and "tell it like it is". She thinks it's a bit of a reality TV effect (think Gemma Collins "just saying it how it is babe") but definitely a cover-up for rudeness. The comments are intended to hurt, not reveal some unspoken truth. Being "honest" about someone's haircut that you don't like is never called for.

Next time, you could call them an arsehole and say "sorry, just being honest and saying what everyone's thinking".

AtLeastThreeDrinks
That's so true now you've said it.
I've found in recent years that it's taken time to explain to teens how to be civil.

Too often I'll say "you don't have to be mates, but just be civil and polite" only to be told "I'm not being all fake or anything. I don't see why I should pretend to like her".

It would seem that for some (mainly girls) the idea of dignified politeness in a way to avoid conflict is now considered to be two faced, bitchy, fake etc.

It would seem that for some (mainly girls) the idea of dignified politeness in a way to avoid conflict is now considered to be two faced, bitchy, fake etc.

Eh, I don't think that's true. 15 years ago when I was late teens, I knew people who were all "I'm not going to pretend I like her, that's BEING FAKE". It's just a young person thing. It takes time to grow up and understand that civility and pleasantness aren't fakery, they're the only thing that allows society to rub along together.

There's always been some people who are needlessly confrontational and drama llama.

But the idea of civility being deemed two faced seems to crop up more and more.

JaneJeffer They are polite to people they are scared of.

I first heard the “I’m not being fake, if I don’t like you I tell you” stuff on Big Brother in the Jade Goody days. That was 2002.

I used to get this occasionally when I lived in the NW, people offering their unvarnished prejudices about southerners as I’d come from the SE.
I used to say ‘ I’m sorry, I can’t tell if you’re being rude or if that was the celebrated Northern directness I’ve heard so much about’ in my most arrogant RP tones. Then I’d just stare at them until they backed off.
The sting in the tail is that my entire family is from various parts of the north, for the last 25O+ years. And they all seemed to value manners very highly.

Exactly @LolaSmiles, as though being 'fake' is worse than being a dick and hurting someone deliberately!