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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking that 'I just say it as it is/I'm just brutally honest blah blah' is just an excuse for rudeness?

91 replies

BenWillbondsPants · 16/09/2019 09:23

You see it on here all the time.

Yesterday, some friends popped round and one of them brought her cousin with her. Friend had had quite a change in colour and style of hair (she looks great) and a couple of us complimented her on this. Cousin then chimes in with 'it doesn't really suit you (I think it does), it makes your face look fatter and a bit older'.

When friend looks hurt and some of us challenge cousin's comments, she pulls out the old 'Just being honest and saying it how it is' nonsense. Holding her hands up in a 'just trying to help' gesture. Then we had the 'you know me, honest as the day is long, people don't have to like it but that's just the way I am/why should I sugarcoat the truth' shite. I'm not quoting verbatim, but you get the gist of it.

It really pissed me off. Partly because my friend was hurt and partly because this opinion (which she's entitled to have, of course) was unasked for and seemingly given with the sole purpose of hurting someone's feelings.

I'm all for giving honest opinions if asked, but I reckon we all know someone who thinks that everyone needs to hear their 'honest/I say it how it is' shite. Most adults are surely capable of giving their thoughts in a way that doesn't make them a big old arsehole?

So, these 'truth tellers' (whose truth?) - AIBU to think it's just an excuse to be rude and bring someone else down?

OP posts:
commanderdalgleish · 16/09/2019 09:42

I've been saying this for years. I can't stand people who think telling it like it is excuses nastiness. Just be kind.

LolaSmiles · 16/09/2019 09:43

There's a difference between being honest and being rude.

I can't stand cheerleader type responses because if I've asked a friend for an opinion it's because I want their opinion and the truth, not some sugar coated "you go girl" nonsense.
I asked my friend what she thought of a potential hair idea. She told me it would make my head look tiny. Grin Asked husband, he said the same. That's honesty. Equally, if I ask DH what he thinks of a new recipe I want him to tell me, not lie to make me feel good so I keep cooking it thinking he likes it.

Some people (usually the types who make a big deal out of "just being honest" and "telling it like it is") are simply unpleasant and like to pull people down.

Equally, some people seek opinions but what they actually want is validation and a cheerleader response and so will take anything that isn't glowing as personal and nasty and confidence denting.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 16/09/2019 09:47

I can be brutal occasionally when the need arises, but absolutely agree that anyone who uses the "I'm just being honest" line is an arsehole because invariably they're "being honest" to point score or put someone down. It's never in a way that boosts the other person's ego, is it?

Friends of ours visited over the summer and we spoke about their DC. I don't sugar-coat anything, really, but they asked how their DC had behaved and I smiled and said "absolutely fine" because they know their DC are a handful; I watch them try and instil good manners and behaviours and their DC are just challenging children. What would I have gained from saying I'd had to reprimand them a few times, other than some momentary smugness that my own DC managed a day without being dicks on a day friends DC didn't?

Spingtrolls · 16/09/2019 09:49

When some of those that lied and said it looked great, it transpired over a period of time that they had their own insecurities. And me having a shit haircut made them feel better. No-one was interrogated about it. Someone mentioned the dodgy hair cut and that's how I knew.

I didn't raise my concerns about the hair until after I got the true comments. I was too bloody embarrassed.

The truth will always vary with each individual. What some of us find appealing others won't. Because we all think differently based on a multitude of things. You think the hair looked great, the cousin didn't. The other friends you don't know what they were thinking and were too polite to lie or walk away. And how would she have felt if some were mentioning her hair and rather than say something, some walked away?

DrizzleKicks · 16/09/2019 09:52

Her cousin outed herself as jealous and rude.

I agree, OP.

All this "truth" paraded around - whose truth, exactly? And it's always something negative. You never hear anyone saying "She's a wonderful person, I say it like it is. She's so strong and intelligent. Sorry, but I believe in being truthful."

Cloaking a negative comment under the disguise of 'truth' is not a nice trait.

There's a way of delivering an opinion that's respectful and kind.

My friend had a short pixie cut after having long hair her whole life. Sadly she felt it didn't suit her (maybe it's only a good haircut for models?!). She was in tears when met up with her afterwards; she asked what I thought. I told her that she's beautiful no matter what hairstyle she has, and that it's amazing she had the courage to try a big change. Now she could re-grow it and never regret not trying it! Now she's re-grown it and we laugh about how bad it looked, but what good would have come from me saying "oh God it's awful?" None.

Benefitofthedoubt · 16/09/2019 09:54

Cunninghamsarah my rude cousin was from Yorkshire, she said the same thing. But she was just jealous of everyone. Other Yorkshire people are lovely!

Spingtrolls · 16/09/2019 09:54

If a friend told me my kids were fine when I knew they were the polar opposite, I would be asking you for tips. I want to know about my dc's behaviour.

When I've looked after children who are a handful and asked, I say you know how they are, or similar.

ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 16/09/2019 09:54

I have a (possibly apocryphal) story about Christina Rossetti. Apparently she was completely incapable of lying and really struggled with social chit chat. There's a reported instance where she was presented with a very ugly baby, could think of nothing positive to say about it and instead came out with "WHAT a baby!" in tones of admiration and wonder.

I've always thought of that as the pinnacle of polite social dodging Grin if she can do it then we can too!

QuimReaper · 16/09/2019 09:57

John Finnemore has a fantastic sketch about this. I'll try and dig it out.

AJPTaylor · 16/09/2019 09:58

It's an excuse for being a bitch.

Wavyheaded · 16/09/2019 09:58

Yep. Dickwads. People like that want to just be bitchy and couch their bitchiness as 'honesty' - thereby making the person in question feel shit and at the same time dumping on the rest of you - ie making you look as if you were being two-faced or snide in comparison to their 'honesty'.

Benefitofthedoubt · 16/09/2019 09:59

Someone should say to her “You’re rude aren’t you? Everyone says you’re one of those people with no filter! You just say the meanest things you can think of and have no empathy with other people. It’s a sign of low intelligence I believe. What’s the matter? Just telling it how it is!”

Pootles34 · 16/09/2019 10:00

Of course it's rude. 'It's just the way I am' you are literally saying you are a rude bitch.

Often the same people who come out with 'oh can't you take a joke' shite. Also often incredibly sensitive themselves.

LolaSmiles · 16/09/2019 10:00

My friend had a short pixie cut after having long hair her whole life. Sadly she felt it didn't suit her (maybe it's only a good haircut for models?!). She was in tears when met up with her afterwards; she asked what I thought. I told her that she's beautiful no matter what hairstyle she has, and that it's amazing she had the courage to try a big change. Now she could re-grow it and never regret not trying it! Now she's re-grown it and we laugh about how bad it looked, but what good would have come from me saying "oh God it's awful?" None.

That may be a case of knowing your friends. If I knew a haircut looked rubbish and my friend refused to acknowledge it by side stepping about how beautiful whatever then I would feel patronised because it's too much into that cheerleader type approach to me.

I'd much rather my friend had said "it's not the best cut you've had, but the plus of short hair is it grows... Nothing ventured nothing gained".

I agree that being unpleasant about it wouldn't be needed.

Sunshinegirl82 · 16/09/2019 10:01

YANBU OP, I hate this. Opinions are not facts. Believing your own opinion to be the only correct one is just so bloody arrogant!

It's perfectly possible to be tactful and kind when offering an opinion (and only if that opinion is wanted).

If you are having to justify your comments with the "I just say it how it is" nonsense then you are socially inept and need to work on that.

ILiveInSalemsLot · 16/09/2019 10:02

Those people are often full of self importance. They’re obviously the authority on everything and their opinion is the one that matters most.
Or they’re the type who don’t like seeing positive change in others and want to bring them back down.

billy1966 · 16/09/2019 10:03

I witnessed something very similar from someone a couple of years ago. There was a group of us out and one woman I didn't know, friend of a friend.

After the "really honest" remark had been spoken by someone known for this type of rubbish (sister of a friend who imposes sometimes on our company but definitely is not invited), the other woman spoke up quietly and said "I really don't agree with that. That's a really mean thing to say. I was told you are a rude ignorant woman and to be prepared for it, and that you are to be avoided".

Christ the silence was deafening.
Nobody sprang to her defence.

It was so shocking. Her face was an absolute picture. No comeback at all.

Lots of trying not to laugh etc.
Afterwards apparently she told my friend she was very hurt and upset etc.

These "honest" people are often very thin skinned, can dish but certainly can't take it.

DrizzleKicks · 16/09/2019 10:04

That's the point, though.

There are so many ways of being honest without giving yourself licence to be a complete bitch.

Original poster
BenWillbondsPants · 16/09/2019 10:05

You think the hair looked great, the cousin didn't. The other friends you don't know what they were thinking and were too polite to lie or walk away. And how would she have felt if some were mentioning her hair and rather than say something, some walked away?

No one needed to walk away, the circumstances were such that it would have been easy to not say anything. A couple of people mentioned it, other people were chatting about something else. It would have been just as easy to say something else as it was to say something unkind. The point is - no one needed to be a bitch about it.

OP posts:
LiveInAHidingPlace · 16/09/2019 10:08

It depends.

I find the whole "you look gawjus hun" rigmarole quite boring and I don't really get into it. I also find this insistence on always being positive quite trying.

But I wouldn't tell someone they look fat or ugly, that's just horrible.

If someone asks for my honest opinion on a situation eg "was I a twat the other day?" or "do you think my husband is cheating?" then I will probably just tell them what I think. But it depends on our relationship and the situation.

Stuff like haircuts/weight/spots etc...what's the point in making someone feel bad if they can't change it?

I do find this to be quite different depending on culture though, in my husband's country, people will say things we would find absolutely shocking but it's normal for them. So it's not as simple as just saying "it's rude" and that's the end of it.

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 16/09/2019 10:11

I think saying 'oh I'm just brutally honest' is a cop-out.

You could not be more right. The truth is a good thing ..... most of the time. However, certain things are better left unsaid. Those who come out with this 'I say it like it is' shite are merely covering for their wholly inadequate social skills.

LiveInAHidingPlace · 16/09/2019 10:11

"If I knew a haircut looked rubbish and my friend refused to acknowledge it by side stepping about how beautiful whatever then I would feel patronised because it's too much into that cheerleader type approach to me."

I agree with this. I'd rather people just told me honestly if I actually ask.

It's more the unasked for comments that get to me.

Spingtrolls · 16/09/2019 10:15

The walking away reference was in response to those who said that sometimes it's better to say nothing or walk away.

BeepBeeep · 16/09/2019 10:15

I understand that there is such a thing called tact and diplomacy.
It's a shame that these people don't appear to have heard of it, or how to apply it if they have.

Lweji · 16/09/2019 10:16

As in the OP's example, she could have said she preferred the previous style or that it suited her better without saying how shit she thought she looked now.