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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask why my STBXH wants to use WhatsApp rather than Messenger

37 replies

justanotherremainer · 15/09/2019 23:59

SMy STBXH has regular phone contact with our DS, 6. This started off just telephone, but progressed to Messenger video calls, and now to WhatsApp (at his request).

I am wondering whether there might be a reason behind this.Our relationship was abusive and he has stalker-ish tendencies. Is there any reason he might wish to use WhatsApp rather than Messenger? Does it give more info about where I am, for example?

Or am I being overly suspicious?

OP posts:
DieBabySharkDie · 16/09/2019 00:17

It can give the other person information such as the last time you were online, or if you are online now. It can also let the other person know if you have read their messages (double blue ticks). But the same with messenger - although most people use WhatsApp these days far more than messenger so if he wants to stalk you and know if you are online/chatting to someone/maybe checking another person whom he suspects you are sleeping with/etc/etc then WhatsApp is the way to go. He can't get your location from that though.
You can change all those settings completely though, so he won't see anything, unless he catches you at exactly the same time you are online.
Or you are being totally paranoid - a side effect of being in an abusive relationship that I am far too familiar!
The looking over your shoulder and feeling watched or holding your breath for something else to happen does go away eventually ❤️

Original poster
justanotherremainer · 16/09/2019 00:22

Thanks baby shark (great username btw).

I might try to get rid of the feature which says when I am online, any little nugget of information he can get, he will love. Fucking weirdo.

OP posts:
Cleopatrai · 16/09/2019 00:24

It could simply be he prefers WhatsApp over iMessage.

FrogOfFrogHall · 16/09/2019 00:25

You can delete messages after you've sent them on what'sapp and they will delete from the other person's phone. Make sure you screenshot any messages that you might want to use in court proceedings as soon as you see them. That'd be my guess about why he wants to use it

Blahblahblahnanana · 16/09/2019 00:28

You only have about an hour after you've sent a message to Delete for Everyone in WhatsApp

Ebonyandivory2 · 16/09/2019 00:33

Just turn your last seen and read receipts off. He won’t be able to see anything.

Original poster
justanotherremainer · 16/09/2019 00:36

Bingo Frog! That will be it. Thanks v useful

Blah I don’t know what you mean could you explain?

OP posts:
Blahblahblahnanana · 16/09/2019 00:44

Someone mentioned that you can delete messages, that’s not quite true. If you send a message in error for example and want to delete it so the other person doesn’t see it you only have about an hour to do so, and it only works if the other person hasn’t read the message before you delete it.

faq.whatsapp.com/en/iphone/26000069

hopefulandstrong · 16/09/2019 00:46

You can delete the messages you send within an hour for both sides.

Blahblahblahnanana · 16/09/2019 00:46

So, if the person that sent the message tries to delete the message and the other person has read it, it will only delete the message from their own perspective and it won’t delete the message that the other person has received, unless they haven’t read it yet and it’s been less than an hour that it was sent.

LunasOrchid · 16/09/2019 00:47

You can delete messages on messenger too. It's says; Luna removed a message.

Maybe he just prefers WhatsApp. Why does there have to be a big conspiracy??

hopefulandstrong · 16/09/2019 00:49

It doesn't matter if the person has read or not you can still delete it.
I do it all the time because I'm forever sending people the wrong message.
Plus you can see when someone has logged on and received and read message.
No way would I have this with an ex unless they were terrible at responding.

Blahblahblahnanana · 16/09/2019 00:49

WhatsApp is easier to use than messenger, but if you’re worried he’s stalking you I’d turn off the last online function.

FrogOfFrogHall · 16/09/2019 00:53

Are you sure you can't delete if the other person has read it? On the link you've posted it says that the person may have seen it before it's deleted.

Treaclebee · 16/09/2019 00:53

Can you set up a What's App account that is just for him and DS to use and keep your own account separate?

Loveyou3000 · 16/09/2019 00:54

Perhaps he's taking a social media break. Maybe he doesn't want to see your profile picture on Facebook which shows up next to your name on Messenger. Maybe he talks to more people through WhatsApp than Messenger and wants to have his messages in one place and has told everyone to contact him through WhatsApp?

There really is almost no difference between the two apps in terms of function, you've nothing to be worried about here.

I prefer WhatsApp too, for some reason it's just less annoying to me

Loveyou3000 · 16/09/2019 00:56

@Treaclebee WhatsApp is linked to your phone number

Blahblahblahnanana · 16/09/2019 00:57

Sorry I got it slightly wrong. You can only delete for everyone within an hour, I don’t think it matters if it’s been read by the other person. After an hour you can’t delete the message that the other person received

IdiotInDisguise · 16/09/2019 01:05

Not sure bingofrog is correct. As far as I’m aware, you can delete the messages on your phone but not delete those on other people phone.

Honestly, do not let him use WhatsApp, unless you get your kid a phone exclusively to talk to his dad.

Original poster
justanotherremainer · 16/09/2019 09:11

Idiot in disguise why do you say that? And why would it differ if we used a different phone?

OP posts:
DieBabySharkDie · 16/09/2019 09:29

You can only delete messages for all parties if the other person hasn't seen it/opened it. And you only have 7minutes to do it in, unless that has changed very recently.

highheelsandbobblehats · 16/09/2019 09:34

Agree with @DieBabySharkDie. You have 7 minutes to delete it after sending.

I personally prefer WhatsApp over Messenger. I find it more user friendly.

Go into your settings and change your Last Seen and Read-Receipts to off. You won't be able to see anyone elses either though.

Other than that, you may be overthinking something that's not personal to you at all.

GirlOnFireWaterPlease · 16/09/2019 09:38

What is messenger? Is it an iPhone thing?

DieBabySharkDie · 16/09/2019 09:42

@GirlOnFireWaterPlease it's Facebook's messenging service