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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect ex to pay nursery fees on “his” days?

79 replies

Maccapacca88 · 15/09/2019 15:32

Never had maintenance from ex but he does have the dcs 3 nights a week. He was working part time and was going to care for them on his 2 weekdays off to avoid nursery fees.

He has now got a full time job and is claiming he can’t pay the 2 days a week and expects me to, but still wants them in the evenings!

I’m totally stuck because I need him to have the kids on those evenings as I have to work at home. Equally I can’t afford the extra nursery fees to enable him to work!

OP posts:
babycatcher411 · 15/09/2019 15:35

He’s completely unreasonable. Either they’re his days or they’re not. He’s got two options, pay childcare, or you’ll have to have the kids and he’ll have to pay maintenance.

Are your evening plans flexible at all? Can you work at other points?

BogglesGoggles · 15/09/2019 15:36

Just tell him to either pay or not make them his days and adjust maintenance appropriately.

Original poster
Maccapacca88 · 15/09/2019 15:37

I’m trying to cut down the hours at home but I have just started a new job (teacher) and am drowning in paper at the moment while I adjust to the role.

OP posts:
WindsweptEgret · 15/09/2019 15:37

YANBU. If you were getting child support then it would be reduced by the fact that he has them 3/7, because he should be paying for everything on his days, including his share of nursery fees.

Cannotresist · 15/09/2019 15:42

If he wants to work on his days he needs to arrange child care. Don’t pay

15thOctober2019 · 15/09/2019 15:43

Can he claim benefits to enable him to fund childcare?

RandomMess · 15/09/2019 15:44

If he only has them 3 nights a week rather than 50:50 but in a CMS claim especially as he is now working FT!

Treehouse55 · 15/09/2019 15:47

YANBU at all, can't believe he thinks this is appropriate.

If he refuses then put in a maintenance claim? You should get a fairer amount that way.

Original poster
Maccapacca88 · 15/09/2019 15:58

Think I’m going to have to reduce his contact and go through cms. Total last resort but he’s messed me around for 3 years now. Why should I subsidise his lifestyle?

OP posts:
IronicalCallSign · 15/09/2019 16:05

He's wanting to have the kids but zero financial responsibility on the same day... This isn't your problem op, he's trying to have his cake & eat it. No one in right mind would agree to his batshit (not normal) suggestion.

Either the kids are with you and he pays maintenance OR his days = his childcare problem... Not half and half to suit him.

EEmother · 15/09/2019 16:19

I would not be so sure. When my (contested) residence case was heard by the court, only overnights were awarded to the father on his request (who worked full time, as did I). So his responsibility started at 7 pm and ended at 8 am. Child maintenance was calculated based on the number of overnights, but day hours / daycare was the responsibility of the parent with residence, i.e. me.
Should your ex ask the court for the same, I think it is likely to be awarded. I did not feel the family court cares (or even has jurisdiction to deal with) about the nursery fees payment.

GreenTulips · 15/09/2019 16:23

I’d send him a message ‘if you aren’t happy to pay X nursery, I will cancel their place and you can make alternative arrangements to suit your budget.

Let me know what you decide

EEmother · 15/09/2019 16:43

if you aren’t happy to pay X nursery, I will cancel their place and you can make alternative arrangements to suit your budget
And what do you think will be achieved by this? The OP cannot force the father to pay for childcare, and no one can either.
Again, from the personal experience, normal weekday "contact" for a parent who works full-time, from the family court point of view, is strictly outside the working hours. Because it supposed to be for the benefit of the child, not the parent with the residence. Should the matter come to litigation, I don't think the court will force contact time during the hours when the NRP is at work.
I think, unfortunately, the only way forward for the OP is to agree amicably.

ghostyslovesheets · 15/09/2019 16:48

do you claim TC (UC) for the childcare? ask him to contribute to the short fall? Seems fairer but you can't force him - he is being unreasonable though.

GreenTulips · 15/09/2019 16:54

And what do you think will be achieved by this?

He has them say Wednesday nights then he needs childcare for Thursday day time - If OP hasn’t arranged a place he would have to and take responsibility for paying for it. No?

Hahaha88 · 15/09/2019 16:59

He should be paying maintaince which you could then use for childcare, should you decide to. Unfortunately I believe eemother is right, as the resident parent it is your responsibility to arrange, and pay for, childcare. Do not cut contact because he won't pay childcare, that's a douche move. Do, however, put in a CMS claim and do not rely on him for childcare again

Original poster
Maccapacca88 · 15/09/2019 17:07

Let me be clearer about cutting contact. I mean to 2 nights a week so that his maintenance will actually be worth something. I don’t mean stopping him from seeing dc. As it stands if I leave the arrangement as it is he get the time and pays less. I’ve done absolutely everything I can to maintain an amicable relationship and encourage contact but he’s taking me for an absolute mug now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Maccapacca88 · 15/09/2019 17:08

Oh and I’m not concerned about him taking me to court. He wouldn’t pay for it!

OP posts:
cookingonwine · 15/09/2019 17:14

Hang on ... if your ex has them 50/50 then he has 50% costs. If he doesn't want to pay 50/50 costs then I think it's only fair to reduce the contact and apply to CMS as he can't have it both ways.

Don't reduce your hours just yet. Write to him, explain its 50/50 and what he owes for his half. If he doesn't like it, then you have grounds to reduce contact.

Sotiredofthislife · 15/09/2019 17:19

I’d send him a message ‘if you aren’t happy to pay X nursery, I will cancel their place and you can make alternative arrangements to suit your budget

And if his decision is I no longer want to be responsible for any kind of childcare so you’ll have to sort it? OP has lost her childcare place and still needs to work.

OP, you ultimately won’t be able to force him to pay. If he accepts responsibility, the nursery should make separate contracts but in having separate contracts, should he mess up, you will lose the childcare space for that day. I have paid full childcare for years and years because there is nothing to be done with an ex who won’t take responsibility and you need to work. It is frustrating and my bills have been 20% higher than they should have been but when the ex decides he wants to change his day, or disappears off on holiday with no notice, I am not struggling to fill the gap. And self employment on the part of my ex means I receive no maintenance.

Sotiredofthislife · 15/09/2019 17:20

He has them say Wednesday nights then he needs childcare for Thursday day time - If OP hasn’t arranged a place he would have to and take responsibility for paying for it. No?

Oh dear. No what he will do is dump said child on OP’s doorstep at some un godly hour so she has no choice but to deal with it.

Original poster
Maccapacca88 · 15/09/2019 17:22

cookingonwine I have done this time and time again. He demands to know what my income is and insists my child tax credit covers his maintenance Hmm

I’m not even asking him for a 50/50 split. I’m offering that I pay 500 and he pays 300.

OP posts:
Watchingthyme · 15/09/2019 17:27

Just go to cms
Stop all this pissing around

Soontobe60 · 15/09/2019 17:29

The ansolute worst thing yo can do is to reduce the children's contact with him because of this. It should not be a pay per view arrangement!
If he has started working full time now then his maintenance payment should increase too accordingly.
It's a bit of a dichotomy here. You work FT and need a FT nursery place, as does your ex. Morally, he should pay for the days he has the dc, but legally it's not going to happen is it.

Original poster
Maccapacca88 · 15/09/2019 17:34

soontobe60 What do you suggest then? If I don’t get the extra money from him then I will go into debt. Should my kids be forced to live in poverty here so that daddy can continue his comfortable lifestyle? We’re barely scraping by as it is!

OP posts: