To expect ex to pay nursery fees on “his” days?

[Maccapacca88]

Never had maintenance from ex but he does have the dcs 3 nights a week. He was working part time and was going to care for them on his 2 weekdays off to avoid nursery fees.

He has now got a full time job and is claiming he can’t pay the 2 days a week and expects me to, but still wants them in the evenings!

I’m totally stuck because I need him to have the kids on those evenings as I have to work at home. Equally I can’t afford the extra nursery fees to enable him to work!

In many situations, mums ARE the head parent though. If a mum either decides to, or has to due to ill health, stop being responsible, it is pretty rare. Loads of men do it.
Head parent being the one who looks at all the childcare options and chooses them, ditto school, ensures that the child can be dropped off and picked up (if not by her or the father, by someone), cuts nails, labels PE kit, keeps track of appointments, knows what time Beavers starts, knows why a child is out of sorts, and arranges for the child to meet with friends.
I'm not saying this is how the world SHOULD work. I think life is better for both sexes if dads are equal parents. In my personal life the split isn't as pronounced as in my vulnerable client base, but those with a split closer than 70/30 are rare. Those where the man does more, if the woman is still alive, are only those where the woman has severe medical needs or has taken a job abroad.

Op
He should. Morally.
Legally?
The law is an ass.

Money and love are two different things.
As frustrating as it is I would be very careful about stopping or reducing contact as I'm guessing he has messages from you stating you want him to pay for child care.

Especially if he didn't have the best past with contact it will look as if you are the reason.

If I was you I was start realising that his relationship with them and yours is separate. He isn't there to help you out with them, you aren't co parenting together. Sort your children out the best way you can, let him have them in the evenings so you can still have some time and hopefully if that all goes well, you may still dislike him but in time he may become more reasonable and help.

You are and will always be the default parent but not the only parent. It is BS but unless you are reducing contact for the dc safety don't do it!
This is from a mother who's own ds14 said the other day that he loves his df but he's crap at any parent responsibility stuff.

hopefulandstrong thanks for that reply. I don’t want to reduce contact and have always encouraged their relationship. I just feel so hopeless about it all. I suppose I will just have to go through cms and accept whatever they decide is an acceptable amount.

Oh and just to add; I don’t dislike him. Not at all. That’s what makes this even harder. We have managed to get on well through all of our problems but I suppose I was never asking for anything. This attitude in him has only started since I told him I needed him to contribute financially. It has shocked me and more than anything I just feel sad over it all.

I meant first refusal to include the overnight as well

Child of really toxic father here. I can honestly say that the amount of time that I was made to spend with him as a child did lots of harm to my mental health.

My father never paid maintenance either and (no surprise here) did nothing with me when I was with him. I was ignored, given bags of sweets and other rubbish to keep me quiet, foisted off on to other relatives and a string of girlfriends.

I think you’ll find a strong correlation between men who won’t pay for their kids and men who really don’t care about their kids. Why would you not want to pay for your kids to be warm and fed or to go to nursery if you really loved them?

These men want to have their kids around to pretend to be a great parent or to just avoid paying maintenance. It’s also a great means of controlling their ex partners, to ensure they can’t live happily without worrying about how to pay for everything and living with the stress that poverty/debt causes.

Those posters who think that they know enough to tell the OP off about her attitude to a man who changed his hours to part time so that he didn’t have to pay maintenance should have a rethink. Refusing to pay anything for your child is abusive to your ex partner and child. Frankly, the less time any child has to spend with an such abusive man the better.

A good parent understands that they have to provide for their child, both financially and emotionally. That involves investing time and money, often putting yourself second to their needs.

If you can’t put your child’s needs first, then you really shouldn’t be allowed to spend a great deal of time with them and they are better off with the parent who is prepared to put the work in.

If DH & I were to split up and he paid nothing towards the DC then he wouldn't be having contact either, why should the mum do all the hard work pay for the kids and daddy be the apple of DC eye, the fun one on the weekend! Don't think so! Ignore the idiots on here Op, some people believe women should carry and give birth to a child and then be treated like a mug for the sake of their child.

@HJWT
If DH & I were to split up and he paid nothing towards the DC then he wouldn't be having contact either,

It’s a good job you don’t get to decide whether he has contact or not, isn’t it !

cleopatrai I’m keen to understand what benefits you think having so much contact with a feckless man has for the child concerned? Is it the learning that that’s how we treat mothers in our society? Maybe letting them know their own low worth from an early age? Genuinely curious.

A quick google such on outcomes of fatherless children as opposed to children with both parents will tell you.

*By fatherless I mean children who don’t see/have contact with their father essentially “fatherless”

I would have preferred not to see mine. I think the statistics for outcomes for children forced to spend time with their feckless fathers would make interesting reading if anyone bothered to compile them.

Nobody is talking about no contact here. I’m talking one day a week less so that he has to financially contribute for the children he made!

Not all fathers are created equally. I am “fatherless” by your standards. My outcomes so far have been a damn sight better than the children from his second marriage who were stuck with him. Probably because I didn’t have to watch my mother suffering at his whims like they did. 🤷‍♀️

This is so sad, why do some men think they can enjoy their children, spend time with them but not pay a penny to support them? Where is their self respect, how could they see their children going without? I just don’t get how sOme men behave their kids are bottom of the priority list. My sons certainly were with their dad. I got some money - £50 a month to begin with. Then he met a new woman and it stopped. He doesn’t pay a penny for them, has them 50:50 but hasn’t bought a stitch of clothing, shoes, haircuts etc for years so thinks feeding them half the week is enough I also pay dinner money or he’d have none.
He blocked me on all media/text etc
But I now just get on with it, my eldest son has seen him for what/Who he is (.we don’t talk about him in the house anymore)

OP I hope your children’s father steps up, but def go via cms to hopefully get what you’re entitled to. Have you checked out childcare vouchers etc too? My youngest are past childcare age but I remember how expensive it was as They are close in age but def easier once they start school

f DH & I were to split up and he paid nothing towards the DC then he wouldn't be having contact either, why should the mum do all the hard work pay for the kids and daddy be the apple of DC eye, the fun one on the weekend!
What a totally selfish attitude to have. Kids have feelings for their parents that are and should be independent of what their parents pay for them. Or should all men who work FT demands custody when the mother is reliant on benefit to support the kids?

My ex never paid maintenance. I would never have stopped my kids from seeing him. Note: It is not about him seeing them but them seeing him. As it is, one remained very close to him, the other decided they wanted nothing to do with him. They both made their own decision and I have a clear conscience that I have nothing to do with it.

should all men who work FT demands custody when the mother is reliant on benefit to support the kids?

Totally different situation to a parent choosing not to pay when they work full time, no?

I agree with the spirit of what you’re saying. Unfortunately I can’t afford to pay everything for them and not receive maintenance or stupidly I would likely go along with it (as I have been doing). Something has to give.

@Maccapacca88 - your income has nothing to do with your ex.

I wish you luck. I would do / act the same as you as he is twisting your arm to do so.

Keep us posted, as I would be interested to hear the outcome.

is anyone receiving financial help for the childcare? ie UC? or using tax free childcare?

if you don't need it could he claim it?

I wouldn't necessarily say that him moving to full-time work necessarily should be referred to as you 'funding his lifestyle' OP!

That said though, he can't claim 50/50 parenting in order to avoid paying you maintenance and then not actually be having/covering the kids 50% of the time.

Not sure what the answer is as it sounds like he's unlikely to agree to cutting his time during the week - are there any grandparents/family on his side who could babysit for him on those 2 days?

You have said you get on so I would sit him down and really impress on him that you can't afford to pay for nursery for 2 extra days. Really now you're both full-time so both require childcare he should be paying half.

I’m confused about those saying money and love is separate, I think they’re interlinked. I’m not talking about theme park days and iPads. Being a loving parent means providing adequate food, warmth and shelter etc. If you actively abdicate paying towards this, without the agreement and support, I don’t find that very loving.

That was meant to say....without the support of the other parent....

@Schuyler
I agree with you absolutely. I’m fed up of hearing and reading about feckless bloody men avoiding their financial responsibilities.
My Ex pays me a pittance towards bringing up his child but ultimately I don’t really care about the money I care about the message he sends out. By watching me scrabble about for money he’s willingly hurting his daughter. She sees her father prioritise drugs and parties over her.
I’ll never understand men who don’t want to support their children- how the fuck do they sleep so well at night .

contact is for the benefit of the child, not the other parent. It shouldn't be used as a means to punish the other parent.

contact is for the benefit of the child, not the other parent. It shouldn't be used as a means to punish the other parent.

Completely agree with this, but in this case I don't think OP is trying to cut contact to punish her ex, but because she can't afford to pay for the extra 2 days of nursery herself and that's the only way she will get any payment from him?

If he can't have the kids or sort childcare for 'his' days then he's not 50/50 and therefore owes OP some money as she's covering the majority of days.