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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect ex to pay nursery fees on “his” days?

79 replies

Maccapacca88 · 15/09/2019 15:32

Never had maintenance from ex but he does have the dcs 3 nights a week. He was working part time and was going to care for them on his 2 weekdays off to avoid nursery fees.

He has now got a full time job and is claiming he can’t pay the 2 days a week and expects me to, but still wants them in the evenings!

I’m totally stuck because I need him to have the kids on those evenings as I have to work at home. Equally I can’t afford the extra nursery fees to enable him to work!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 15/09/2019 17:35

He is hilarious!!! Offer him EOW and then 2 mid weeks so he still has 6 nights per fortnight then go to CMS for what little maintenance you will be entitled to. You can tell them he refuses to pay CM so can you initiate deductions from earnings?

At least EOW you can get a decent amount of work done.

I will be waiting to hear that he is "too tired" to carry on have the DC as much once he is working full time.

Treehouse55 · 15/09/2019 17:44

He demands to know what my income is and insists my child tax credit covers his maintenance

I don't understand his argument. I thought child maintenance doesn't affect tax credits? So you are entitled to both.

Original poster
Maccapacca88 · 15/09/2019 17:47

treehouse55 Just that the government pays for his children so why does he have to “pay me?”

OP posts:
RandomMess · 15/09/2019 17:53

Hence go via CMS on principle.

Treehouse55 · 15/09/2019 17:54

@maccapacca88 urgh he sounds like a nightmare, poor you Sad

I can't believe he thinks he gets to make up his own child maintenance/tax credits laws. What an ego...

EEmother · 15/09/2019 17:54

He has them say Wednesday nights then he needs childcare for Thursday day time - If OP hasn’t arranged a place he would have to and take responsibility for paying for it. No?
Legally or morally? Legally there is no difference to NRP's obligations whether the OP works full time, part time, is a SAHM on benefits or just needs DCs in childcare to pursue a hobby.
I fully agree it is unfair morally, but it better not to have any illusions regarding this situation when it comes to the real life.

Cantthinkofanythingrightnow · 15/09/2019 17:59

Reduce hours, go to CMS. Stop worrying about his opinion.

boomboom1234 · 15/09/2019 17:59

He sounds like a total bell end! Can't believe he says the government pay for his kids so why should he?!? What dreamland is he living in?!?

Original poster
Maccapacca88 · 15/09/2019 17:59

randommessOn their site now. Well and truly had enough of his bullshit.

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 15/09/2019 18:11

You need to go through CMS. It’s ridiculous.

HJWT · 15/09/2019 18:15

Go through CMS 100%, if he had the kids for the weekend and wanted to go out would you pay for a babysitter? No!

People make me laugh "It's not a pay per view arrangement" @Soontobe60 No the Op and her kids should just live on the breadline and let him do what he wants.

He agreed to do 2 days and can no longer do it so he needs to pay for the childcare on those days!

ashtrayheart · 15/09/2019 18:52

So do you get tax credit towards child care? Does he know this? Can you get any extra to cover the two days?

Original poster
Maccapacca88 · 15/09/2019 19:21

ashtray-heart yes I do but there is a shortfall. I can’t claim anything else and why should the taxpayer foot the bill for his fecklessness? I have 2 in full time nursery. I have covered everything for both kids for 3 years. It’s cms now.

OP posts:
ashtrayheart · 15/09/2019 21:33

As the main resident parent you get the child benefit and tax credit and are responsible for the child care payments - but yes he should pay maintenance to you.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 15/09/2019 21:42

What is wrong with these men? It's unbelievable how they get away with doing less than the bare minimum for their children. Definitely go to CMS and don't give in to any more of his demands.

Lvsel · 15/09/2019 21:47

I dont get men like this. You allow him to see his kids causing no drama and he still doesnt want to contribute and acts up.

You are not being unreasonable

Original poster
Maccapacca88 · 15/09/2019 22:43

ashtrayheart I get that. I suppose I thought he’d be more forthcoming if he could see where it was actually going. As it is at the moment he seems to think it’s money for me rather for his children.

OP posts:
stuffedpeppers · 15/09/2019 23:00

Men like this piss me off and the thought that a judge can rule that the father only has to do ONs and the mother pays for everything else is so sexist.

My ex pays me £4000 per year for 2 DCS ( better than a lot of people) Did his £2000 come anywhere near to his share of child care costs - not a bloody chance. He once told me I paid the child minder too much - I pointed out I was paying for all his lack of parenting -it did not come cheap.

So the judge and law really do think Mothers should pay for all child care . I could afford it but many can not.

FuckFacePlatapus · 15/09/2019 23:07

You should both pay half each, after all both being in work surely benefits your child, and he was looking after your DC to enable you to go to work, so i think you are responsible for half the fees.

Original poster
Maccapacca88 · 15/09/2019 23:15

fuckfaceplatapus I pay 100% of the fees. He was not looking after MY dc to enable me to work. He was looking after OUR dc because he was only working 3 days a week anyway and chose that over working full time and “paying me” maintenance! I’m not even asking for half if you read my OP.

OP posts:
Cleopatrai · 15/09/2019 23:19

The number of people saying “cut contact” is horrifying.

You can’t just cut contact. You aren’t the head parent and can unilaterally just decide to reduce contact. Also, cutting contact is to the detriment of your child. Your child is the one who inevitably loses out.

That said, he should be paying for child care when he has your child. That’s the whole point of 50/50. Either he pays or he physically does the child care himself.

Cleopatrai · 15/09/2019 23:21

You allow him to see his kids

Once again, this kind of language is so problematic. Mothers don’t allow the father to see their children. Mothers aren’t the head parents. Ffs.

Original poster
Maccapacca88 · 15/09/2019 23:30

I’m not sure that reducing contact is to their detriment actually? It’s not what I want but he is backing me into a corner financially and using the fact that I have been so generous as a stick to beat me with.

Is that in my children’s best interest? To spend that much time with a man who can’t even be bothered to pay towards their upkeep? I’m starting to think they’d benefit more from spending that time with the parent who actually gives a shit about them!

OP posts:
Cleopatrai · 15/09/2019 23:37

😂😂
The fact that you believe that having less contact with their father is not in a way detrimental says a lot about you as a parent tbh.

I hope that if you do decide to attempt to reduce contact that the father speaks with a lawyer. The fact that he and DC are used to a certain amount of contact we go in his favour.

That’s it really. Good luck to your EX and your child. Smile

Original poster
Maccapacca88 · 15/09/2019 23:45

They’re not used to it. This arrangement is fairly new. He clearly doesn’t have their interests at heart unless it suits him and had barely any contact for 2 years. His choice.

I’m pleased that my situation is giving you a laugh though.

OP posts:
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