To ask this person to stop 'ruffling' my DCs hair?

[FeatherySquawkington]

We go to church on Sundays and one man always insists on ruffling both my DS's hair. I hate it, it makes me cringe. How do I ask him not to without sounding rude? At the moment I use avoidance tactics e.g put hoods up or try to slip past as quickly as possible but not always successful.... (I understand this sounds a bit petty but it does really bug me!)

BertrandRussell ‘maybe only politely the first time’ because possibly this person is genuinely unaware that this is inappropriate behaviour. Plus it’s OP’s church community after all.

After that then, yes, I’d absolutely be giving it to them with both barrels!

I also think handshakes are the way forward, after all OP shakes his hand every week and she hardly knows him!

‘He loves to feel grown up- would you offer him a handshake instead?’

“BertrandRussell ‘maybe only politely the first time’ because possibly this person is genuinely unaware that this is inappropriate behaviour. Plus it’s OP’s church community after all.”
You misunderstand me. I was wondering why you would even consider not being polite, considering the circumstances.

Just tell him not to do it?

Is this man over the older generation? I think it used to be quite a common way to greet kids, particularly boys. He won't mean anything by it

It doesn't matter what he means by it, it matters how the person on the receiving end feels about it.

I know it's not great if you don't like it, but I think it'll cause awkwardness to say anything, so..

I disagree. Teaching our kids to shut up and put up with things like this is not ok.

I guess you could start by working on your Christian kindness and generosity of spirit.

I didn't realise being Christian meant allowing people to touch you even if you don't like it. Every day is a school day.

Op you just got my first YABU vote.

Just say 'X is a big boy now and he likes shaking hands' dont pull him aside and say anything, you'll horrify the poor man that's trying to be friendly

I didn't realise being Christian meant allowing people to touch you even if you don't like it.

Well....

“I didn't realise being Christian meant allowing people to touch you even if you don't like it”

It doesn’t. But it does mean being kind to someone who means no harm, and being tactful when getting them to stop doing something the kids don’t like.

I didn't realise being Christian meant allowing people to touch you even if you don't like it.

I can see why kids thought they had to cover up what was happening to them in the church. When apparently it’s unchristian to tell someone you don’t want touched and it’s making you uncomfortable

People just don’t read threads, do they?

'And the Romans did ruffle Jesus's hair. And he did not like it but did not want to risk hurting their feelings. And so he put up with it every week for 33 years until they crucified him.'

😂😂

Just say in a friendly way ‘Would you mind not ruffling their hair? They don’t really like it. How are you, ok?’ And then move on. Ruffling someone’s hair isn’t a big deal to lots of people. But if you don’t like it, asking someone not to do it isn’t a big deal either.

You are in,or near your church, so you have to behave with dignity to fellow church goers. I would teach the boys to shake hands , quickly before the man attempts to ruffle hair, hopefully it would then become a habit,and the man ,hopefully, will get the message.

I think the ruffling of boys hair,is just an old fashioned thing to do, from an older man, and not a thing to get hung up about.

Take a tip from Prince George, he always shakes hands with people !!

So OP does this man stand at exactly the same place every week? Do you? Do your children? I remember trying to gather my children to leave church and it was like herding cats.

I haven't read the entire thread (for once), sorry, I was getting really upset by some of the dismissive mockery here.

Just to say that my parents tried telling a man at church not to touch me anymore, and they tried to be friendly and casual about it. He got hugely offended, said I was making a fuss over nothing, it turned into a massive drama and church rift.

Eventually after a lot of nastiness my parents reported him to me to the police, who investigated, and it turned out there were bigger issues (I wasn't given the full details though) and he ended up in a lot of trouble.

On the plus side, it ended anything like a faith in me, as I used to believe fervently. However there are genuine creeps at churches. Please don't assume your kids are safe there, and don't automatically feel sorry for the "nice old men" who like to touch kids.

@yulet I’m sorry that happened to you. It is worrying when people are posting here saying it isn’t a big deal maybe that’s the only human contact he gets .

Thanks @muteduser, I appreciate it. I was young and to be honest it affected me badly, so I appreciate that I'm projecting onto another scenario which is different from mine - it's just that some of the responses on here are identical to how people reacted back then too.

I don't like people mocking the OP for wondering how to raise it, or telling her to be Christian and ignore it

I think it's really inapproriate for strange adults to just touch children in any way. It teached a child that this sort of behavior is okay and that they have no right to their own bodies.

People should just keep their hands to themselves unless they have a child's and (depending on age) the parents' permission to do so.

Depends on how the kids feel about it.

Please speak up for your children and their personal boundaries, they are currently earning from you that they can be uncomfortable in an adults presence and to obey social niceties.

No need to embarrass the guy. I would put up with it, its just a small annoyance and it is good to teach the kids to be tolerant and kind.