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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask this person to stop 'ruffling' my DCs hair?

139 replies

FeatherySquawkington · 15/09/2019 08:56

We go to church on Sundays and one man always insists on ruffling both my DS's hair. I hate it, it makes me cringe. How do I ask him not to without sounding rude? At the moment I use avoidance tactics e.g put hoods up or try to slip past as quickly as possible but not always successful.... (I understand this sounds a bit petty but it does really bug me!)

OP posts:
Tonnerre · 15/09/2019 09:24

How do you know his hand is sweaty?

Juells · 15/09/2019 09:25

I guess you could start by working on your Christian kindness and generosity of spirit...

Oooh, mustn't ever think about your own feelings, always squash them down Grin

He sounds like an old-school bluff jolly type who only knows how to relate to children by arm punching or hair ruffling. I wouldn't say anything, just load the boys' hair with gel so it's like a helmet and when he tries to ruffle it, it's obvious he's destroyed their neat appearance 🤣

joblotbubble · 15/09/2019 09:26

Surely what matters is whether it bothers your kids, rather than you, as you know it's not your hair

Fuck me - really Hmm

Nobody touched my kids whether they object or not. I'm their parent and it's up to me to protect them from random weird touchey people.

Wolfiefan · 15/09/2019 09:26

So rather than speak up for your child you’re prepared to ask them to do it or fill their hair with gel and hope to deter this man doing something they dislike?
Get a grip and act like a parent. Say your child doesn’t like it.

AgnesNutterWitch · 15/09/2019 09:26

@Veterinari

No. Just, no.

Attitudes like yours are designed to shame women and kids out of thinking that they have a right to bodily autonomy. Putting up with unwanted physical touching to be "kind" or "polite" is NEVER a lesson that we should be teaching our children.

withlotsoflove · 15/09/2019 09:26

big sweaty hand
😮

MarthasGinYard · 15/09/2019 09:27

He's a 'stranger' and manfolk to boot he's bound to have 'big sweaty' hands.

How very Christian of you Op you sound a true delight.

BertrandRussell · 15/09/2019 09:27

Perfectly fine to ask him not to do it. Not fine to make him feel like crap about it.

taytosandwich · 15/09/2019 09:29

Ask him if he knows any good treatments for stubborn nits

Aprillygirl · 15/09/2019 09:29

No drip feed, I just don't like someone who is practically a stranger rubbing his big sweaty hand all through my children's hair.

How is he practically a stranger if you see him at church every week, AND get within hair ruffling distance of him? Why don't you do the Christian thing and befriend the poor man and then go home and wash his sweat off your kid's precious hair Hmm

MilkTrayLimeBarrel · 15/09/2019 09:29

Hope they haven't got nits!

AnoushkaBee · 15/09/2019 09:30

'I guess you could start by working on your Christian kindness and ferocity of spirit...'

Yes because, as a Christian, the OP should just put up with any old stranger coming along and touching her children however they like and she should to accept that, and do it with good grace! 🤨

RosaWaiting · 15/09/2019 09:30

Just smile and say “could you not touch my children please”.

RosaWaiting · 15/09/2019 09:31

“How is he practically a stranger if you see him at church every week”

You can be strangers to colleagues you see daily. Doesn’t mean you know them.

Original poster
FeatherySquawkington · 15/09/2019 09:32

Of course I wouldn't make him feel like crap - if I was going to do that then I wouldn't even be questioning whether I should say something. Big and sweaty as a hand description does sound unkind but isn't meant to, it is pretty accurate though. His hands are big and always sweaty - I have to shake them just before he does the hair ruffling....

OP posts:
Original poster
FeatherySquawkington · 15/09/2019 09:33

He is a stranger, we say hello to him at the door and I've spoken to some of his family but not him. Big church with lots of people.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 15/09/2019 09:34

So he sees this as a greeting? Tell him what greeting you would prefer. You do sound like you really dislike this poor guy.

messolini9 · 15/09/2019 09:34

Sorry but I think that's quite weird and petty of you? If you say something you'll be very rude.

Sure. Teach the kids that despite them not liking it, they have to put up with having their personal space invaded, & that MUM WILL NOT STICK UP FOR THEM.

ShirleyB50 · 15/09/2019 09:36

Is he the vicar?

Original poster
FeatherySquawkington · 15/09/2019 09:37

No, he isn't the vicar....

OP posts:
Yellowpolkadot · 15/09/2019 09:37

Can you not teach them to shake his hand instead? He’s unlikely to shake their hands then ruffle their hair? Teaching them a life skill of a good handshake!

ChChChChangez · 15/09/2019 09:38

YANBU at all.

I really can’t believe that people think children should put up with unwanted physical contact just to avoid hurting someone’s feelings. That’s a very slippery slope.

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 15/09/2019 09:39

‘I wouldn’t - they have nits’

People used to do this a lot to DS when he was small because he has really gorgeous curls. Especially Asian tourists (we get a lot of tours around here). It got to the point when if he saw a group in the park coming towards him he would clamp both arms over his head and say ‘nooooooooo’.

BertrandRussell · 15/09/2019 09:48

“I really can’t believe that people think children should put up with unwanted physical contact just to avoid hurting someone’s feelings.”
I don’t think this at all. But I think that if it’s possible to avoid hurting his feelings then she should.

joblotbubble · 15/09/2019 09:49

Can you not teach them to shake his hand instead? He’s unlikely to shake their hands then ruffle their hair? Teaching them a life skill of a good handshake!

There is no better life skill to teach your child than 'it is ok to say no'

Fuck that teaching them a deflection technique. Tell the man NO. That is all.

It is not ok to touch other people.