To ask this person to stop 'ruffling' my DCs hair?

[FeatherySquawkington]

We go to church on Sundays and one man always insists on ruffling both my DS's hair. I hate it, it makes me cringe. How do I ask him not to without sounding rude? At the moment I use avoidance tactics e.g put hoods up or try to slip past as quickly as possible but not always successful.... (I understand this sounds a bit petty but it does really bug me!)

"I really can’t believe that people think children should put up with unwanted physical contact just to avoid hurting someone’s feelings. That’s a very slippery slope."

I think it's quite silly to equate something like this to child abuse or paedophilia, which I presume it's what you're doing.

“It is not ok to touch other people”

Really?

@Gwenhwyfar

Why do you assume the poster is equating it to abuse or Paedophilia, the leister clearly said 'unwanted physical contact' which is what it is. You are imagining everything else. Are you suggesting children should put up with any physical contact so long as it's not abuse?

"It is not ok to touch other people."

That's quite a blanket statement and just not true as a generalisation. People touch each other all the time, handshakes, hugs, unavoidable touching when going past, tapping the shoulder to get someone's attention. Teaching children that nobody can ever touch them is not going to help them in life. What would happen to them if they moved to a country where the everyday greeting is a kiss?

I meant 'it's not ok to to touch other people' in the context of the OP. Let's not make the comment into anything other than it is.

joblot - you said ti was a 'slippery slope'.
A slippery slope to what exactly?

not 'you', but whichever poster mentioned 'a slippery slope'.

He thinks he's being nice. He IS being nice.
The children don't like it.

Both of these things are fine, and don't need massive leaps into "nobody touches mahhh fuckin' kids" territory, or DMesque "must be a dirty peeedo" posts from the bottom feeders.

OP- just say to him "the kids don't like people touching their hair" in a friendly tone, have a bit of a "it's a lovely day isn't it?" exchange and move on

Tell the boys to say “aw for heck sake you’ve buggered my hair!!!” Or... the use of effs and jeffs... and then look at him and say “oh gosh oh golly, Boys will be Boys! Tehe!”

Or... just say “aww the poor boys, they hate that! Have a good day” And then walk away!

I have no idea. I just read the quote. I presume forcing children to allow unwanted contact can be seen as a slippery slope to them allowing it elsewhere. But maybe the poster meant something else

I don't think anybody needs to be unkind or making anybody feel bad. He's obviously being jolly and making a fuss of your son and doesn't realise he doesn't like it.

Just say "oh would you mind not messing with his hair he's become a bit particularly about keeping it neat these days" and brush it off.

And I don't think a person ruffling someone's hair is at all comparable to serious unwanted touch or contact.

Just tell the boys to say, " please dont mess up my hair .

People used to do this to one of my kids hair and he hated it. To be fair he did have very ruffle’able hair 😅. I think you should just ask him to stop. Tell him your sons don’t like it. There is no need to be embarrassed.

“Hi Big Sweaty Hand Man, I’ve a request please, could you please not ruffle the kids hair. They don’t actual like it but have been too polite to say anything. Thank you”. Add in some pleasantries and a smile and you are sorted,

How old is he? That’s the key thing. If he’s over 75, it’s way less likely to be thought inappropriate. He’s just being friendly in his own way and would have absolutely no thought that it could bother you. If this is the case, I wouldn’t mention it to him. The bother of doing that, for me, would outweigh the minor irritation for your child.
If he’s middle aged or younger, he’ll be more familiar with peoples’ concerns about stranger danger, inappropriate touching and so on, so would probably deal better with you asking him not to.

He’s not meaning to be unkind or inappropriate. He’s just trying to welcome you all.

I would go for the baseball cap or hair gel options for a few weeks. He’ll probably say something like “Nice hat” to them and I’d be poised to say “Oh they just hate having their hair ruffled, ha, anyway how are you? Good week?” And breeze past it.

Look if he was knowingly and deliberately transgressing their personal boundaries I’d ramp it up more. But I don’t think everything in real life needs to be the big confrontation that people on here seem to.

So he’s a ‘stranger’ with big sweaty hands you say hello to every week?

You need to teach your child how to be assertive. What you are teaching him now is that’s it’s ok when strangers touch him in a way that he doesn’t like.
Just say “Please don’t touch my son, he doesn’t like it” I had a similar situation on holidays when two waiters kept playing with my daughter’s head/hair, she told me she didn’t like it, I asked them to stop touching my child.

You need to step up for your child.

If your kids really don't like it, then say something. But from your OP and the language you use it sounds as if you don't like it.
Ruffling hair is an affectionate gesture. Your kids own their own bodies. It is up to them whether they like it or not. If they genuinely don't, then tell him.

If you can come on here OP and slag off his 'sweaty hands' (which, as far as I know, people can't do anything about), then you can woman up and tell him to stop ruffling your children's hair, yes?

@Juells
If you read my post you’ll see that comment refer’s to the OP’s big sweaty hand remark

Oooh, mustn't ever think about your own feelings, always squash them down
So yes I would actually suggest squashing down unkindness and personal insults.

Be nice. Be friendly. But tell him they aren't keen on having their hair ruffled. Don't make a big deal out of it. Just tell him. And keep chatting to him, so he knows that you haven't fallen out.

Nitgel

Do it back to him Genius

Sunday best hats for the boys?

Although, actually, I feel rather sorry for this big sweaty-palmed man. You make him sound like a leper. I agree with those who say, if the DC are themselves bothered, then perhaps mention that they are growing up and really don't like the hair-ruffle thing because it makes them feel babyish, or some other excuse like that. But otherwise I think it would be a kindness just to leave it.

Some of these responses are mind boggling - so its ok that the man gets to make the OP and her children feel uncomfortable every single week but heaven forbid she says says something that would make him feel uncomfortable?

Just politely tell him to stop doing it, definitely teach your child that they have bodily autonomy, pity you are too short to do it back to him!