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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask this person to stop 'ruffling' my DCs hair?

139 replies

FeatherySquawkington · 15/09/2019 08:56

We go to church on Sundays and one man always insists on ruffling both my DS's hair. I hate it, it makes me cringe. How do I ask him not to without sounding rude? At the moment I use avoidance tactics e.g put hoods up or try to slip past as quickly as possible but not always successful.... (I understand this sounds a bit petty but it does really bug me!)

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 15/09/2019 10:41

I can’t understand some pp saying bad OP making the big sweaty man uncomfortable! She doesn’t want him ruffling her dc’s hair, totally acceptable sentiment as their parent. Tell him they don’t like it, don’t use the gel or other excuse, just be pleasant but straight with him.

SunshineAngel · 15/09/2019 10:43

Is this man over the older generation? I think it used to be quite a common way to greet kids, particularly boys. He won't mean anything by it. I know it's not great if you don't like it, but I think it'll cause awkwardness to say anything, so..

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/09/2019 10:59

I think it’s fine to tell him straight they’re getting older and don’t want their hair messed up. If you don’t want to offend this guy and tell him straight, you could side step the issue. Say the children are learning to shake hands as they’ve decided they’re too grown up to have their hair ruffled then turn to your kids and ask them to shake Mr x’s hand. Are you ok with this as a solution? Would your children do that?

SeaToSki · 15/09/2019 11:00

Next Sunday tell the boys that they are going to shake hands with people to say hello. Then as you shake hands with the man at the door, ask him if he will shake your DCs hands as you are teaching them grownup manners. Polite request, no hair ruffling needed and embarrassing situation swerved.

Raaaaaah · 15/09/2019 11:04

Of course it’s fine to say no to unwanted physical contact but by using the ‘big sweaty hand’ language you are making him into some kind of monster. He most likely isn’t. He just doesn’t see the harm in ruffling hair and you do. It’s not a big deal just say DS doesn’t like it.

meccacos2 · 15/09/2019 11:04

@Icantthinkofanynewnames

How is it rude or petty her stating that she does not want her children touched??

The man would obviously see the youngest doesn’t like it.

I had a cousin with terrible social skills who would greet everyone with a massive punch to the arm.

I told him in no uncertain terms that if he were to approach me he wasn’t to touch me at all.

Raaaaaah · 15/09/2019 11:05

Hand shaking is a good idea too. It seems to be all the rage at nurseries around here.

BertrandRussell · 15/09/2019 11:07

“I had a cousin with terrible social skills who would greet everyone with a massive punch to the arm.”

Yep. That’s exactly the same situation....

Yabbers · 15/09/2019 11:14

If you don’t want him to do it just tell him.

No need to be unkind and judgy about him, though. Not very Christian of you.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 15/09/2019 11:19

Personally I would prefer a massive punch to the arm to having my hair ruffled (having endured both as both a child and an adult).

It is not even the tiniest bit unreasonable for the OP to be unhappy with this situation, and to say so (obviously tactfully).

Why on earth is it 'Christian' for a woman and two kids to just put up with intrusive behaviour that makes them uncomfortable? Can't see the bit in the bible where it says, 'And the Romans did ruffle Jesus's hair. And he did not like it but did not want to risk hurting their feelings. And so he put up with it every week for 33 years until they crucified him.'

Longlongsummer · 15/09/2019 11:24

I don’t know why anyone ruffles kids hair. No child ever likes it!

Well unless it’s a very close parent or sibling. None of my kids have ever liked it. It’s a rough housing kind of gesture to boys mainly from men - come on, you are in our men gang!

I appreciate that it often comes from a good place, but it’s still annoying and a really hierarchical gesture, as the child can’t usually ruffle their hair back. Hi 5s a bit American but at least they are more equal and respectful.

billy1966 · 15/09/2019 11:31

I actually agree with the children not liking hair being ruffled.

I remember my eldest asking my lovely BIL not to once, in my hearing, and being surprised.

I asked my boys about it afterwards and they told me "it bugs me, its unnecessary".!!

They sounded firm on it. I was surprised at how firm they were on the subject.

Possibly say it to him with a smile on your own in a FYI way.

He may mean it kindly, but if the boys don't like it, that takes precedence IMO.

Downunderduchess · 15/09/2019 11:36

Tell him to stop... I don't let randoms touch me, I would definitely not be letting them touch my kids, especially if they have indicated they are not comfortable with it. I don't understand all this trying to be polite, why do people think they have a right to touch whomever they feel like.

PapayaCoconut · 15/09/2019 11:37

Just stop him and say with a smile "sorry, they don't like that".

MutedUser · 15/09/2019 11:39

Tell him not to touch the kids. If they don’t like it just say. Excuse me please don’t do that anymore they don’t like it. His age is nothing to do with it be he 16 or 80 if it makes your kids uncomfortable then he needs to stop.

GlamGiraffe · 15/09/2019 11:43

Is he an older person? Or from another country?
I ask because I find it's a thing a lot of older men do as a form of affection, harking back to the days before it was deemed politically incorrect. Or because in many other countries it's perfectly normal. My parents live abroad and in Mediterranean countries men will ruffle cute little boys hair everytime they pass them and people will come up to cute babies, particularly girls, fawn over them and sometimes give them things. I've never given it a second thought personally. This person may for either of these reasons be completely unaware it's not an acceptable thing to do here.
Does it annoy your children? Not because it annoys you and they see that, I mean because they actually find it offensive? If they do tell them to say please dont touch my hair I really don't like it and you do it every week.

Or you tell him, and explain why.

Or if you really cant bear that put copious quantities of wax in their hair it stays like slimy chewing gum and is vile after you touch it. It will deter.

Duchessofealing · 15/09/2019 11:57

It doesn’t matter how old he is, or where he is from - if he wouldn’t do it to an adult he shouldn’t be doing it to a child. I’ve had to tell people not to do it to my children - OP hard stare, the words please don’t, pause and then continue the conversation, or if you really can’t speak up for them then hold them behind you out of reach or keep one of your hands on each of their heads so he physically can’t.

Toastymash · 15/09/2019 12:14

I wouldn't really care about this but if it's bothering your DC then you should say something. You are an adult, it shouldn't be that hard to ask someone not to do something that bothers your children.

Alternatively you could tell the DC to say something as a bit of a life lesson, but if they're very young they might be intimidated and need you to do it for them.

BertrandRussell · 15/09/2019 12:16

The children shouldn’t say anything. You should if it’s bothering them.

Pollydron · 15/09/2019 12:16

IMHO it’s far more important to demonstrate to DS that personal boundaries are more important than good (compliant?) manners. Especially if it’s a behaviour that you’re both uncomfortable with.

If it was me, I’d push back on this. Maybe politely the first time but I certainly wouldn’t let it slide if it continued.

BertrandRussell · 15/09/2019 12:17

“Maybe politely the first time”

Why only “maybe politely”?

Lunafortheloveogod · 15/09/2019 12:23

I’ll admit I’m a cow it’d have been “can you fucking not” after the first swerve Grin

I hate people poking at kids because they can and kids feeling or being told they’re rude for not letting an adult do it. Sincerely forced to hug every single bugger in the room when I left for 20 years.

Sagradafamiliar · 15/09/2019 12:23

You need really strong hold hair gel to do Statue of Liberty-worthy spikes all over the hair. I'm thinking of those cat/bird deterrents people used to put up on school walls etc

derxa · 15/09/2019 12:31

I despair.

Thatagain · 15/09/2019 12:37

This is funny. I do it to my children and they are used to it my daughter especially everytime she does her hair nice like she spends hour's curling and spraying and inside my head I think why. So here comes mum and she scrubs it with her hands. I cannot help it I think it is funny I will not let anyone else do it to my children gel will not work it will make it look more messy. Just tell him it's my job to mess my children's hair up as I have to my friend he will not take it personally if you say in a friendly tone. Sooooooo funny