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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Separate bedrooms?

52 replies

Floopyandtired · 14/09/2019 22:04

Is it weird to choose not to share a bed with your OH?

DS has always been a crap sleeper and the way we all got the best sleep was DS sleeping in our bed with DH, and me sleeping in the spare room. DS is slowly starting to sleep better in his cot of his own accord (he’s nearly 2) and DH has floated the idea of me moving back to sleep in our room.

The problem is I really like sleeping alone now. I’m a problem sleeper anyway and have always slept better alone, plus DH snores, sweats, fidgets, twitches, etc etc. Is it weird for an otherwise happy couple to sleep separately? We get on great, have a decent sex life, and so on. I just don’t know if it’s a bit weird and I worry about DS getting teased if he mentions it at school or something when he’s older (I’m massively overthinking, I know!)

OP posts:

sheshootssheimplores · 14/09/2019 22:06

Even though we have a super king I sleep in my own room (in a double). My partner is an insomniac and since the birth of my children I’m not much better. We both toss and turn and wake frequently. It better that we sleep alone as at least some days one of us has got some sleep and can prop the other one up.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/09/2019 22:07

My grandparents, dad's side, slept in single beds in the same room throughout their entire marriage which lasted over 70 years until my grandmother died. They had five children and absolutely adored each other, honestly madly in love their entire lives. It worked for them!

Hedgehogblues · 14/09/2019 22:09

Does it matter if it's weird? If it works for you do it

Thehop · 14/09/2019 22:10

I would love this

Original poster

Floopyandtired · 14/09/2019 22:15

I couldn’t care less about what others think of me, I’m just worrying for DS which is mad I know. I’m typing this from my very comfy spare bed and wondering what I’m even worried about...

OP posts:

PeriComoToes · 14/09/2019 22:21

I don't think it's the sort of thing that comes up in conversation in the playground.

I had my DD in with me until she was 5, DH slept in spare room. He still sleeps in spare room years later. My DD knows that I am a light sleeper and that he is a loud snorer and that's why we sleep in separate rooms. She's not worried about us and IF the topic came up with her friends I'm sure it wouldn't bother her.

Silenttype · 14/09/2019 22:42

DP and I sleep in seperate rooms, he's gained a lot of weight and started snoring, i've aways been a light sleeper and since having DC and being up feeding every couple of hours, he moved into the spare bedroom and i've not asked him to come back

To be honest, I think lying awake all night listening to snoring, fidgeting and all the rest of it would have a more negative affect on our relationship than not sharing a bed. I know i would resent DP for keeping me awake all night. Works for us!

bumblenbean · 14/09/2019 22:48

We’re in a similar situation - DH tends to sleep in the main room with baby and I’m the spare room and often end up with the toddler in my bed. Baby is soon to move into own room and the plan was for me to return to main room ... but I like having a bed to myself (minus the toddler sometimes!). Much more room, can have temperature how I want and no snoring!!

I do worry about it not being conventional etc and feel a bit weird if I ever mention it to friends, but then I just think if it works for us then why not? As long as there is plenty of affection/ intimacy at other times and you’re both happy with it I think it’s fine. Well I hope so anyway

HandsOffMyRights · 14/09/2019 22:59

We sleep in separate rooms.
We are both poor sleepers.

I can drop off but wake around 4/5am, he can't drop off but then he can sleep. Put us together and nobody sleeps.

The kids are teens now. Been like this for years. It's no secret, even work colleagues know if the topic arises.

I don't find it odd - I mean, who doesn't want sleep? I don't care what everybody else does - sleep is everything!

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 14/09/2019 23:06

We sleep in separate bedrooms as do a lot, although not most of our friends, we are very happy,probably happier than most due to the quality of our sleep and time out.

2toe · 14/09/2019 23:07

I sleepwalk, medication DH takes causes sleep disturbances and has him violently thrashing often, we sleep separately, if we didn’t neither of us would get any sleep!
As long as there is affection and you are both happy with your sex life then it’s not an issue. We do go to bed together a few times a week for a little while because it’s a nice feeling to be curled up with the one you love, as your DH has suggested sleeping together again maybe that is a compromise you would both be happy with.

MyNameIsIrrelevant · 14/09/2019 23:09

I really want to! 🙈
I sleep so much better when dh isn't in the bed (he snores and flaps his arms around in his sleep!)
DH won't have it though. Apparently that would mean we're not in a relationship. 🤷🏼‍♀️

MyNameIsIrrelevant · 14/09/2019 23:10

My grandparents had twin beds cos of medical issues and my parents had twin beds (they were divorced long before I actually knew though) so it's been fairly normal for me to think of twin beds in a marital bedroom 😂😂

ELM8 · 14/09/2019 23:11

I'm 7 months pregnant and we have been sleeping in separate rooms since the pregnancy pillow joined me in bed.. we both sleep much better and still are affectionate etc. I would imagine we will carry on this arrangement when the baby is born as I'll be off work so doing night feeds.

DH has been sleeping with me in our bed once or twice a week (usually weekends so we can have a lie in if fidgeting (me) or snoring (him) means the other one didn't sleep so well) because we were worried about sleeping separately all the time (and, maybe, what other people might think I guess) but the difference in sleep quality between sleeping alone and together is CRAZY! As previous posters have said, if it works for you I don't see the problem!!

Beechview · 14/09/2019 23:13

We stayed in an Airbnb over the summer and dh and I had a bedroom with two single beds. It was fantastic. I slept very well.
I’d love to swap our double bed for two single beds at home. If I had a spare room, I’d sleep in a separate room too.
(We dont have any marital issues btw. I just love my own space)

FrangipaniBlue · 14/09/2019 23:30

I am currently enjoying a late night perusal of MN from the sanctity of my king size bed in my lovely feminine rose petal scented bedroom.

I can hear DH snoring and farting in his room on the other side of the wall.

YANBU

MiniMum97 · 14/09/2019 23:37

My DH and I have slept separately for years. I can't sleep and he snores and fidgets. Plus he gets up at 6 whereas I am a night owl. Makes practical sense although it's a bit sad we can't snuggle at night sometimes.

Schwibble · 14/09/2019 23:38

I'm pretty sure separate rooms have saved our marriage. DH snores loudly usually with his mouth open, has bad night breath as a result, steals the cover and insists on having the fan on, even on cold nights. I love having my own room and ensuite, own king size bed, not having to have a fan on, staying up reading a bit later, and having the cats in with me.

NuttyNutty · 14/09/2019 23:38

Me and my OH had separate rooms since we moved in together. He snores and we keep completely different hours, so if we share the bed then nobody can sleep. I don't really care what other people think, our quality of sleep is the most important thing here.

Aquestionforyouall · 14/09/2019 23:38

I love the idea of this but I feel like when we sleep it’s the only time I’m ever with my partner. He works loads so if we slept separately we’d be apart even more.

My grandparents also had separate bedrooms. Seems to maybe be a generational thing.

Blamangeme · 14/09/2019 23:39

Me-double bed all to myself. Dh- spare room permanently. Absolute bliss. We both snore mines a cute snore of course. He is a light sleeper at times. It's great. We still have a good sex life. In fact it's more exciting. Think it's more normal than people realise althou I'm not allowed to tell anyone as dh embarrassed about it. Dcs know it's the snoring and take it in their stride but know we're lucky to have the space to do it. ( 4 beds just about)

Ragwort · 14/09/2019 23:42

We sleep separately (married 30+ years), I just love having my own space and ‘sanctuary’. We are lucky to have enough bedrooms & if we go on holiday we would always book twin beds. I honestly don’t know how you can get a decent night’s sleep when you share a bed/bedroom.

Knittedfairies · 14/09/2019 23:43

We sleep separately. I love it. The only time I miss him is in winter when I can't put my freezing feet on him to warm them up. Fortunately a hot water bottle does the trick...

DramaAlpaca · 14/09/2019 23:43

DH & I have had separate bedrooms for years, with visiting rights of course

It's been a marriage saver for us, I'm a night owl, he's a lark & we both snore. We are lucky that we have a spare bedroom, which is DH's.

I've never given a thought about what our DC think, they are early 20s now so have grown up with us in separate rooms. I'm quite sure they wouldn't have been discussing it in the school yard when they were younger, but it wouldn't bother me if they had.

Drum2018 · 14/09/2019 23:45

If only we had a spare room I'd be in it. I snore, Dh snores after drinking, I'm in perimenopause so sleep is disasterous, he reckons he's a bad sleeper. So all in all I reckon if I had my own room I'd sleep like a baby. It'll be a few years before kids fly the nest, thus freeing up a room. I'll be completely knackered by then.

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