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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Separate bedrooms?

52 replies

Floopyandtired · 14/09/2019 22:04

Is it weird to choose not to share a bed with your OH?

DS has always been a crap sleeper and the way we all got the best sleep was DS sleeping in our bed with DH, and me sleeping in the spare room. DS is slowly starting to sleep better in his cot of his own accord (he’s nearly 2) and DH has floated the idea of me moving back to sleep in our room.

The problem is I really like sleeping alone now. I’m a problem sleeper anyway and have always slept better alone, plus DH snores, sweats, fidgets, twitches, etc etc. Is it weird for an otherwise happy couple to sleep separately? We get on great, have a decent sex life, and so on. I just don’t know if it’s a bit weird and I worry about DS getting teased if he mentions it at school or something when he’s older (I’m massively overthinking, I know!)

OP posts:

Sparklesocks · 14/09/2019 23:46

My DS is a very unsettled sleeper and struggles to sleep, if I turn in my sleep for example he picks up on it and it wakes him up, maybe something about the bed shifting cuts through when he’s dozing off. We sleep in the same bed mostly but occasionally he will go in the spare room if he has a big day at work or he’s really tired and can’t be woken. It works for us and hasn’t affected our intimacy, and it’s quite nice having a big bed to myself!

Sparklesocks · 14/09/2019 23:47

Omg DP not DS, I don’t sleep with my DS!!

Weenurse · 14/09/2019 23:50

Well, it is good enough for the Queen, and if you have the room, go for it

IsItNotChristmasYet · 14/09/2019 23:51

DP and I sleep in seperate rooms. Both are far too used it now, I struggle when we do share.

StCharlotte · 14/09/2019 23:55

We always go to bed together but most nights DH migrates to the spare room. I'm the snorer

ToLiveInPeace · 14/09/2019 23:55

For various reasons, DH and I have separate bedrooms, to the extent that we went from 'spare room' to 'our own rooms' to buying a three bedroom house for just the two of us. On holiday, we book twin beds rather than double if that's an option.

So... Is it weird that one or other of us generally tucks the other in? It's nice to say goodnight properly!

Also, to those with snoring spouses (especially the chap who gained weight), have you considered the possibility of sleep apnea? *

You'll definitely want spare rooms if a bi-pap joins the slumber party...

Aquestionforyouall · 14/09/2019 23:57

I have to ask though ... do you have to schedule sex? ‘Meet me in my room in half an hour’

BMW6 · 14/09/2019 23:58

DH and I have had separate bedrooms for the last 10 years, bloody LOVE it (both of us).

We are very different sleepers. I get uber hot and kick duvet off, he likes to wrap up in duvet.

I like to sleep starfish, he has back pain so needs to move around freely.

He feels claustrophobic in the bedroom I prefer, I don't sleep well in the bedroom he prefers (light pollution)

Works for us, we are loving and affectionate, just sleep much much better.

UnderCaffeinated · 15/09/2019 00:01

We don't have separate rooms but we have very separate sleep spaces in that we have a super-king size bed with two separate 90 x 200 mattresses and our own double duvets, so we effectively sleep separately but together? if that makes any sense. It's amazing, we went from a double to this and if we ever sleep in a double now we feel so cramped!

BMW6 · 15/09/2019 00:03

I have to ask though ... do you have to schedule sex? ‘Meet me in my room in half an hour’

Why would you do that?
Does sex only start in bed for you? Not when snuggling on sofa or washing up in kitchen? You can't imagine hopping into bed with partner and instigating sex?

Thornhill58 · 15/09/2019 00:07

MyDH and I have been sleeping separate for years. Started with his snoring then he complained that I did too and that I sleep like a whale moving about the bed.
Also he doesn't like my rituals before I fall sleep.
We love each other even more because we can sleep very well in separate beds.
We've together 30 years. I highly recommend separate bedrooms.

Dangermouse80 · 15/09/2019 00:07

Separate bedrooms here too. Since having kids it just works better. We are now at the stage where we could go back to sharing but his excessive snoring and fidgeting would mean I didn't get much sleep!! The resentment from being kept awake would not be good for our relationship!! The kids know about Dad's snoring and have refused sharing a room with him on holiday as he "is too loud!!" Think lots of couples do the same.

Thornhill58 · 15/09/2019 00:08

PS: our son doesn't think or say anything about our sleeping arrangements. Nobody has ever said anything about it to us or him.

Longlongsummer · 15/09/2019 00:08

Lots of couples sleep apart. I wish I’d slept apart from first DH, he was such a snorer.

I don’t think kids care. In fact they are probably more grossed out by parents having sex, the thought of it.

I do miss DH as he often is in spare room. But he’s so calm and doesn’t snore. But I wriggle apparently. So there you go!

TheAlternativeTentacle · 15/09/2019 00:11

We now also only book apartments with more than one bedroom so that we both have a separate bed each. Bliss.

IdblowJonSnow · 15/09/2019 00:22

Oh god, we don't have a spare room but if we did one of us would be in it like a shot.
So envious op! Why don't you mix and match, see how it goes? Sleep is so important. When your kids are old enough to ask explain you disturb each other. If they see everything else is ok I doubt they'll think anything of it.
I will get no sleep tonight dh normally snores, tonight he is fùll of cold. Nowhere to hide!

Judystilldreamsofhorses · 15/09/2019 00:23

We dip in and out of this. DP is a terrible snorer, and both of us struggle with the Sunday into Monday sleep. Recently DP has had a vile cold, then me, so separate beds, and he’s away this weekend - I am desperate for us to sleep together when he gets back. The cat always comes into the “marital bed” when she thinks it’s time for her breakfast - usually at 6.30 - so DP misses that joy.

DippyAvocado · 15/09/2019 00:57

We have separate rooms due to DH's insomnia. I do think it can affect your intimacy but I think lack of sleep has a worse impact on a relationship.

VenusTiger · 15/09/2019 01:00

It’s almost vital that you 1) discuss how it won’t affect your intimacy 2) doesn’t mean you love him any less and 3) might not be forever

Sleep is so important and the quality of sleep more so. Maybe go to bed together and when it’s time for lights out, one of you goes to the other bed.

I thinks it’s reasonable for your DP to feel unwanted and so you must stress it’s all about the sleep, not that you’re avoiding him.

Mamabear144 · 15/09/2019 05:59

My mam and step dad have lived together in the past but for the past 11 years they have both lived in separate houses (both in the same estate) but they absolutely adore each other, never fight and see each other pretty much every day. I find it completely normal to not stay in the same house let alone in the same room, whatever works for you.

LiveInAHidingPlace · 15/09/2019 06:12

We sleep in separate rooms pretty often, sometimes together.

He snores, fidgets, gets too hot while I get too cold...

Fuck that. It does nothing for our relationship if I've had no sleep and am annoyed at him.

My mother has slept in the same room as my snoring, fidgeting father for 40 years and she resents him so much. It's such bullshit that people feel like they have to sleep in the same bed.

MrsMonkeyBear · 15/09/2019 06:16

DH often ends up in the spare room. Mainly because I'll go to bed and at some point the kids climb in with me so there's no space for him.

My parents have slept in seperate rooms for years since my dad started night shifts. He doesn't do them anymore but they both sleep better.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 15/09/2019 06:29

I would love to sleep alone as I sleep so much better but DP was very against it saying that it's what old people do.

LiveInAHidingPlace · 15/09/2019 06:33

"I would love to sleep alone as I sleep so much better but DP was very against it saying that it's what old people do."

Why is he the one that gets the final say?

stayathomer · 15/09/2019 06:34

We don't but had an interesting night the other day where apparently I duvet hogged the other day and pushed him back to the other side of the bed at the same time so I'd say he's considering it!!! If it works for you why not?!

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