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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Vulnerable DM being bullied, WIBU to see how their mother likes a taste of her own medicine

124 replies

Sickofiit · 14/09/2019 21:20

My 64 year old mother with learning difficulties has become a target to a horrible group of little shits (sorry) who live across the way from her.

Their mother, a loud obnoxious antisocial woman, used to be friendly toward my DM but has since soured as my DM refused to lend her money.

The children aged between 13-15 make a point of targeting my DM whenever they see her. There has been numerous incidents but some of the most recent ones include her being squirted with tomato ketchup, so much so that the owner of a shop she entered to get away from them, thought she had been beaten and that it was blood.

She's had branches thrown at her, liquids thrown at her, she has been spat at and asked by the teenage boy whether she "wants her face smashed in"

My DM approached the mother peacefully to ask her to have them stop and that resulted in the mother then threatening her aswell. She is now frightened to go in and out of her flat.

The police have been called twice and have done nothing and not so much as taken a statement.

I'm at the end of my tether and heartbroken for my DM. My DP has had to stop me going round to the woman's flat tonight as he didn't know what would happen if I did.

I'm not a violent person by nature but never in my life have I wanted to hurt somebody as much as I do that woman for what they're doing to my vulnerable mum.

WIBU to intervene myself and try to frighten the mother off? My DM made me promise to stay out of it because I have children, but the police are doing nothing and I'm genuinely fearful my DM is going to end up seriously hurt

OP posts:

Original poster

Sickofiit · 14/09/2019 22:01

Thank you all so much, alot of great advice here that i will be implementing starting from first thing tomorrow

I don't know which school the children are in (my DM doesn't even know their names - she never got 'that' friendly with the mum and only spoke to her casually when out and about) but I'm going to do my damnest to find out.

They live in a high rise block opposite my mum's over 50's complex so I'm quite sure it's council/housing association.

OP posts:

Inebriati · 14/09/2019 22:02

Its a hate crime and they should lose their home or be moved.

Is your Mum able to keep an incident diary, perhaps with you help?

MistyGlen · 14/09/2019 22:03

Someone threatened my DM once. My partner, my cousin, her friend’s son and myself all went round to the person’s house and made threats about what would happen if there was a repeat incident. It never happened again. That’s the only language these people understand.

vanillaicedtea · 14/09/2019 22:03

The police probably won't do anything until something 'severe' happens. They're overly soft on kids that age. Annoys the life out of me.

Honestly, I think your best bet is to get your mother moved. This could drag on for months and I think anymore time is just going to make your mother feel uncomfortable and more scared, and something worse could happen.

I'm sure she won't want to move because that's her home, but if she can be somewhere else, she'll feel much safer and be able to get out and about.

Original poster

Sickofiit · 14/09/2019 22:04

My poor mum is already on antidepressants so this will be making her feel 10x worse no doubt.

She isn't allowed overnight visitors but I'm going to take her to and from shopping when she needs it an encourage her to spend more time at my place.

The problem is mum loves going for walks, she's got a little dog and taking him out twice a day are the highlights of her days.

It's sods law that almost every time she does this, she bumps in to one or several of them. The woman has three kids but they have equally as shitty little friends who they congregate with and who like to join in.

I think getting mum moved is absolutely going to have to be a priority

OP posts:

leli · 14/09/2019 22:05

I can't pick a name has given great advice. Go to any and every body, housing association, housing warden, social services, police, CAB, and the MP (they are often more help than people know). Always confirm by email very clearly what you have communicated. Ask for action. Badger them daily. Talk about your mother's fragile mental health. If you are clear and persistent someone will take this up. Unfortunately I think your mother will probably have to be moved for her own protection. Poor you and congrats for being so strong and loving when you are now having to be the mum.

TumblingTumbleWeeds · 14/09/2019 22:06

OP would it be possible to fit your lovely mum with a camera? A hidden go-pro maybe? You could gather evidence to take to the police.

I live in the US but my late-parents lived in England. They were targeted by a group of teenagers who were taking a shot-cut near their house to go to school. They had rocks thrown through their garage windows, their greenhouse smashed etc. The police did nothing. I was so frustrated. I came up with several solutions but my dad told me all they would be illegal in the UK. They involved electrified fence, booby traps and guns.......lol.

BrendasUmbrella · 14/09/2019 22:06

I would not rely on your DA anymore, she sounds weak and probably intimidated. Complain to the police yourself. Complain to the school yourself. Find out her address, and perhaps see if you could get a solicitor's letter written warning her of prosecution for harassment of a vulnerable adult?

CorBlimeyGovenor · 14/09/2019 22:07

Remember when those boys in Suffolk (I think), threw flour over a poor vulnerable lady on a bench? Someone photographed them doing it and put it on FB. It's a shame that you didn't put photos of her covered in ketchup on a localFB page. It would have gone viral. Then the police would have sat up and listened and most local people would have turned on that family. I'd still consider a public post.

CorBlimeyGovenor · 14/09/2019 22:08

Also log every single incident and if poss, have CCTV installed or a recording device on her.

Macca84 · 14/09/2019 22:08

This is awful, OP - I'm angry on your behalf!! Absolute scum of the earth, would you be able to shame them on social media at all? People don't take too kindly to absolute bullying little scrotums. I so hope you get it sorted

SuperSara · 14/09/2019 22:08

I'm so sorry to read about your dear mum's situation, OP.

I don't have any more advice to add to the excellent suggestions posted so far, but just wanted to add to the numbers supporting you.

Original poster

Sickofiit · 14/09/2019 22:09

Bless you all for taking the time to advise me, I have tears in my eyes reading over the responses. Feeling quite emotional tonight.

If only the police had the empathy of MNers!

OP posts:

BrendasUmbrella · 14/09/2019 22:09

It's a shame that you didn't put photos of her covered in ketchup on a localFB page. It would have gone viral.

Maybe the shopkeeper has it on cctv?

MrsHound · 14/09/2019 22:09

@Sickofiit
Your poor mum, she must be terrified. Contact your local Victim Support they will be able to help with getting the Police to treat it seriously and comply with the victims code. It is a hate crime and it is not acceptable for these animals to treat your mum that way.

sheshootssheimplores · 14/09/2019 22:12

Did anyone take a photo of the tomato ketchup incident? It’s stuff like that that can go viral via social media and shame the bastards. Do you remember that photo that hit the headlines of the vulnerable woman that got covered with flour by a group of teenagers? That went viral and the whole family of each one was shamed and tried to apologise/justify it somehow.

I would definitely try and move her as I would be concerned about it escalating into violence.

1CantPickAName · 14/09/2019 22:12

Local community Fb pages can be very supportive in these situations. Sometimes families like these only curb their behaviour when there is a risk to them, eviction etc.

Happypelican · 14/09/2019 22:14

Your poor mother those people are vile. Fair play holding back I would be down there dragging that women to hell if that was my mum.

WaggingKnife · 14/09/2019 22:14

If the shopkeeper did have it on CCTV and your mother was ok with it, a social media campaign could very easily get these people in hot water.
It’s a bit of risky move though, if there isn’t enough traction for it to go viral and these people see it they could kick off.

Original poster

Sickofiit · 14/09/2019 22:16

No photos of the ketchup incident unfortunately, mum was on her own and only has a basic Nokia phone so no camera. The shopkeeper may or may not have mum on CCTV but it's definitely worth asking, as he is a witness of sort.

Mum says when she went in there he picked up the phone to call the police because he thought she had been beat up, but when she told him it wasn't blood and it was sauce he didn't make the call for whatever reason.

As soon as I find out the names of the scruffs I will be shaming them all over social media. Mum only knows the mother's first name, which is a frustratingly common one, so I wouldn't be able to find her on Facebook or suchlike.

OP posts:

Cherrysoup · 14/09/2019 22:17

Your aunt needs to step up. By law, you are your dm’s next of kin, you should probably consider getting financial and health power of attorney at this stage so you can help her more.

Definitely go to the police to report this and insist on them making a proper report. Unless you know the identity of the chav family, however, it’s difficult for them to act on it. Your mum needs to move, she is vulnerable and should be a priority for the council to urgently move her. Poor love.

gavisconismyfriend · 14/09/2019 22:18

As other posters have said, this is a hate crime. Use those exact words when speaking with the police. If the police won’t listen, remind them of the IPCC report into the Fiona Pilkington case www.report-it.org.uk/ipcc_publishes_fiona_pilkington_investigation_r This was an extreme case, but if you need to go in hard to get them to listen then this may help remind them of what can happen if the police don’t take appropriate action. This link is also helpful in defining relevant terminology
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/law-and-courts/discrimination/hate-crime/disability-hate-crime/
Whilst it is lovely of your aunt to be an unofficial carer, you may want some formal provision in place which gives you power to act on your DM’s behalf when necessary.

Good Luck, your DM is very fortunate to have you fighting her corner.

Original poster

Sickofiit · 14/09/2019 22:18

I think mum is worried I'll be hurt if I go round there, the mother is a short stocky thing who waltzes about like something from cell block H.

I'm only small myself and probably half her width but I would give it a good go

OP posts:

Woulditbeworth · 14/09/2019 22:18

Totally agree with everyone else

report to Police as a hate crime
raise a safeguarding concern with Adult Social Care
put pressure on your DMs housing provider for more support.

If either make appointments to see DM, be careful that Aunt doesn’t try to minimise it.

Thinking of you and DM.

HeronLanyon · 14/09/2019 22:19

op - so sorry. My late ma had some very low level bullying for a short one and she’d go quiet and be a bit upset every now and then. My donoffered to ‘send the boys round’ (we don’t really know any ‘boys’ to get round But it seemed we should find some). Anyway just saying you are not crazy for feeling absolutely enraged and want to do something.
There’s been so much soit on advice here. Start with adult social services and a complaint to it réengage with police.
Really good luck to you and your mum.

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