To not want to force my child to eat meat or fish

[Delenia]

I am 30 weeks pregnant and just had a big argument with my husband. 30 years ago at the age of 10, I became vegetarian. I didn't know anything about the environment or factory farming or health. It was simply that I liked animals and didn't want to eat them. I discovered the word "vegetarian" and realised if I told people I was vegetarian I wouldn't have to anymore. I told my non-vegetarian parents that I was vegetarian and they supported me. My Mum read a lot, started using more beans and lentils in the family cooking and got me involved in cooking too. Since then I've been a strict vegetarian and at times vegan. I enjoy cooking and have educated myself a lot about different foods and nutrition. I am generally very healthy, got pregnant first time trying at 40 (down to a big dose of luck too I'm sure) while vegan. I started eating dairy and eggs again through my pregnancy but have remained vegetarian.
My husband is not vegetarian. He enjoys meat a lot, but also enjoys vegetarian food including beans and lentils. We eat vegetarian (mainly organic) food at home that we cook from scratch with little processed food as we both enjoy cooking and eating well. He has meat and/or fish a couple of times a week usually outside the house simply because it's easier to prepare food at home that we both can eat. He has always been very supportive of my vegetarianism, making sure there is going to be vegetarian food if we're invited somewhere, being considerate of meat smells on the few occasions he cooks food at home etc.
Before I got pregnant, we discussed many things about bringing up a child including diet. We decided that, of course I wasn't going to cook any meat for the child but if my husband wanted to feed her meat and/or fish I would be ok with that and then when she was old enough she could decide for herself. If I was raising the child by myself, she would be vegetarian like me, but I'm raising her with my husband so accept that she can have a non-vegetarian diet so long as it is good quality organic meat and not too often.
One thing we didn't agree on was what age is "old enough" to decide for herself. From my own experience, I thought that might be quite young. Maybe younger than me because vegetarianism is a lot more common than it was 30 years ago. My husband had just told me that while it might be possible for an adult to be vegetarian and healthy, it is not healthy for a developing child and a child must eat meat and fish at least once or twice a week which he will prepare for her. What's more, he believes it's not physically possible for a child of 10 years old to decide for herself to be vegetarian and our daughter will eat meat until she is 18 years old as that is the age when people can decide for themselves. Until then, we will decide for her. I fundamentally disagree. Firstly it is definitely possible for a child to be vegetarian and healthy and it is possible for a child to know if she wants to eat meat a lot younger than 18. The idea that a teen-ager has no capacity to make sensible choices until they are 18 seems ridiculous to me. Of course she will need guidance but I fully expect her to be able to choose things for herself well before the age of 18. Of course this is all theoretical at this point and the issue of whether or not to eat meat may never come up crazy (I know that she could turn out to be a big meat eater and that's her decision- I have plenty of meat eating friends raised by vegetarian parents and vise versa), but there is no way that I could force a child of mine or allow anyone else, including my husband, to force a child of mine to eat meat or fish if she didn't want to. I couldn't even tell her she has to eat meat because it's necessary and healthy for children because I don't believe it. My husband thinks I am too emotional when it comes to anything about vegetarianism and I can't see things logically. It's true that after 30 years of criticism and people questioning my diet (I have traveled a lot and lived in other countries where vegetarianism is not so common) and trying to trick me or persuade me to eat meat, I can be quite sensitive about it. But the fact that my husband, who I thought was understanding and supportive, is now completely dismissing my own experiences makes me so angry and hurt. And how about all the other situations where I think we can and should respect our child's wishes and decisions before she is 18?! Although this is completely hypothetical situation about a child that is yet to be born, I am very concerned that we would disagree so profoundly. Am I being unreasonable?

I suspect your husband will naturally reconsider his position when he has an opinionated, much-loved child in front of him rather than a hypothetical scenario.

I think you’ll find that you can’t force a child to eat anything they don’t want to...

To be honest this goes much deeper than eating meat - you can’t decide for yourself until you are 18! That is not only ridiculous but setting himself up for a world of issues as a parent

And children don’t need meat either

Haha the two comments above just make SO much sense right now after my toddler categorically refused her veggies except for peas and devoured her dad spicy steak..

I think the idea that you can tell a teenager what to think is interesting! Forcing teenagers to eat something they don’t want to is also not generally recommended...

Besides that, I think it’s lovely that you will be able to show your child how to cook and eat delicious vegetarian food. My mum did the same for me and while I am not vegetarian any more, I hardly ever eat meat and love veggie food so it has definitely shaped my tastes. I am glad she did that for me.

I don't know this for sure but I have heard that if you don't give a child red meat when they're young then they don't develop the enzyme to break it down and therefore can't eat it when they're older.

I think your approach is sensible. DC will eat whatever their parents eat, and whatever is served to them. No need to get into arguments about it. Nothing is going to change at home, it's not like DH is about to suddenly take charge of the cooking is he?

He's probably just concerned about you "indoctrinating" DC into vegetarianism. He wants DC to eat a good range of food including animal products. He might not have consciously addressed that in his own mind though so instead it's come out as an irrational argument. I'm not saying you would indoctrinate DC by the way. Just saying that unconsciously DH might be afraid of that possibility. Worth giving him a chance to cool down and then try to have another conversation to find out what the issue is.

Agree with the other 2 posts. I have been vegetarian since the age of 10. Dp eats meat. We have 2 sons. One is 20 the other 12. The 20 year old eats meat the 1w year old doesn't. I said when pregnant that we could raise them eating meat and then they could decide when able. Dp actually suggested the reverse! Anyway they grew up with mix of both. I do cook meat for 2 of them now.I am sure your husband will adapt depending on your childs point of view..try not to worry about it.

12 year old does not!

Your husband can think whatever he likes. Trying to convince an adamant child or teenager to do anything against their wishes is impossible. If your daughter decides she doesnt want to eat meat there is little he can do to persuade her. What does he propose? Force feeding?
In reality having a teenager who has a good diet and doesn't prefer to live in pizza and pringles is a major win from a parents point of view.
When it comes to the battles over, homework, bedtime, going out, friends, drinking or whatever else I would advise your partner to choose his wisely.
I don't think you have too much to worry about but your partner is due for a huge reality check

Although this is completely hypothetical situation about a child that is yet to be born I think this is all that you can say with any certainty at this moment. Do people really make such bold statements about their unborn child. All we were concerned with as parents at this point was that our children were born safely and were healthy.

Firstly, no one needs to eat meat. Youre proving this by having a healthy vegetarian pregnancy!

Wait until DC arrives- your DH will see you can't make a child eat anything they don't want to!
E.g. my DC hated meat until she was 3. Wouldn't eat it. She ate eggs and pulses etc but just didnt like maybe the texture? So I didn't force it, just gave her some sometimes which she rejected.
She now does like some meat though not all. She loves most other food and isnt a fussy eater at all. Just would rather not most meat.
But I think she also understands where meat comes from to some extent now, and because we eat it it doesn't bother her. If you don't eat it but DH serves it to DC she by 3 will ask why you're not eating and you can explain why.

As for not being able to make that sort of decision until she's 18 . Oh he's going to laugh at himself in less than 3 years! Does he not remember being a teenager as well? If he tries to force a teenager to eat certain foods it's going to be quite a battle if she doesn't want to! It's a battle with a 3 year old, with a 6 year old,with a 10 year old. But a teenager- that's like the epic level of rebellion and battles.
Plus vegetarian will probably be the norm by then!

Biancadelrioisback sorry but bollocks

Well if you only prepare vegetarian meals then surely by default (if you are the only one cooking) your child will only ever know to be a vegetarian?

It was just something I heard last week. As I said, no idea if it was true...

My DS is largely vegetarian (he will eat chicken maybe once or twice a year). It's not any particular principle and he's not raised in a vegetarian family; he just doesn't like it.

I was raised in a vegetarian family but offered meat. I chose to eat it.

Meet the kiddo and take it from there, no need to borrow trouble from the future.

Your husband tries to trick you into eating meat. Omg. That’s dreadful. He has no respect and thinks he knows better than you what’s right for you. That’s not good. He’s disrespectful.
As for children I think your plan to let him feed them fish or whatever is fine. If they don’t want something they will reject it. You know they don’t need it. His old fashioned ideas about needing meat were what doctors taught us when we were young back in the day. He needs educated in today’s thinking about eating nuts instead of meat for protein etc and taking vitamin supplements if required.

Has your husband ever met a teenager!? I know this is a serious post...but I am kind of laughing at the thought of him making a 15 year old eat anything because it's good for her!

My daughter made it pretty clear at five that she intended to be vegetarian. She remains (at 26) the only vegetarian in the family. I managed to get her to eat the odd sausage or casserole with lumps of meat picked out until she was about eight but since then entirely vegetarian.

She’s remarkably healthy.

YANBU. I'm from a meat-eating family and became vegetarian at the age of 12. My parents weren't very happy about the decision but the idea that they could have somehow forced me to eat meat at that age would have been absurd.

Plenty of children are vegetarian their whole lives and are perfectly healthy.

I agree with everyone else. This is the sort of totally ridiculous thing you think before you have a child, alongside "Of course my baby will sleep through the night by 6 months", "Only children with terrible parents tantrum", "My child will never share a bed with me" (hollow laugh of experience....)

I wouldn't bother getting into an argument about this. He'll learn soon enough.

I'm a vegetarian and have raised my kids that way with the understanding that they would choose for themselves when they were ready. Their dad eats meat, and it was never forbidden to the kids, but I didn't cook it at home. I always explained what foods were made of, and they naturally decided they preferred not to eat the same animals they stroke at the farm.

They've certainly never been unhealthy or deprived from lack of meat. Both have always been strong and healthy.

I think he will be in for a surprise if he imagines a lovely compliant child until they are 18. I wouldn't eat meat at all as a child, I literally starved myself rather than eat it. Even my father who was a complete tyrant couldn't make me eat it. I do eat meat now, but have had periods of vegetarianism and veganism and am swinging back that way now.

In this case you are fine with him preparing meat or fish for her and understand she will make her own decisions. He hasn't yet faced the reality of a defiant pre teen or teenager. I have to say though, even as someone who eats meat, I am very uncomfortable at the fact he thinks he can make all decisions for a child until they reach 18. That is very controlling

I'm not vegetarian but I'm sure there's plenty of vegetarian and vegan families that give their kids enough nutrition without meat or animal products.

They'll be making their own decisions waaay before 18. 🤣
Personally I think whenever a child is old enough to understand where the meat comes from is when they're old enough to know whether they want to eat it or not. That could be 7 or that could be 10. Either way it'll definitely be before 18.

Missed the end off - that is very controlling but I think it comes from lack of experience