Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like a terrible mum

83 replies

Medicti · 14/09/2019 11:07

Name changed for this as don't want to be identified

I'm a single mum to 2 children. A girl aged 10 and a boy aged 8. DD is in year 6 and DS is in year 4.

Son is suspected to have asd but hasn't been diagnosed.

My DS is constantly winding DD up (for example he goes into her room and turns her laptop off and then that makes her start shouting at him and then she goes into his room and takes his stuff which results in him crying and me telling her to give him whatever she's taken off him and then she starts shouting at me for not telling him off).

Whenever daughter gets invited to a party her friends parents invite son aswell (so he isn't left out). And when son wants to leave i have to take daughter with us as son won't want to go out with me to get her later on. Daughter always says it's unfair and I'm the worst mum ever and she hates me.

Last night daughter was having a friend over for a sleepover and son kept going into her room. I did tell him to go back to his room/come downstairs with me to watch a film/play a game etc. But he kept saying no.

In the end he was joined in with her and her friend playing roblox.

But when her friend left she started saying he ruins everything and I'm the worst mum ever.

What can I do/advice? 😞

OP posts:
Arthur2shedsJackson · 14/09/2019 11:23

I think you’re letting DS get away with murder.
Tough love is what you need; it is totally unfair to your daughter that he gets the benefit of the doubt just because he is younger.
A bit more discipline might stop him turning into even more of a brat.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 14/09/2019 11:36

Even if he has suspected ASD that doesn't mean he should have boundaries/be held accountable for his behaviour in some way (Even if the approach needs to be different).

Eg. Does he get told off for going in DDs room to turn off laptop? Why is she told off and he isn't?

Just because he is invited to parties doesn't mean you should take him. Can you get a friend/relative to mind him? Or if DD is year 6, cant you just leave her at the party and take DS off elsewhere and collect DD when she is ready.

When her friends are over you need to keep him out of her room. Don't just ask him not to. If the rule is he can't go in, and he breaks it, have a sanction for breaking the rule (something he cares about). Alternatively if he's a bit bored/left out, could he have one of his own friends over when she has hers? That would keep him out of the way.

Original poster
Medicti · 14/09/2019 11:45

I tell him off when he turns her laptop off.

Yesterday he was playing in his room with his lego so he wasn't bored but he just kept going into her room. I told him no and to stay in his room or come downstairs with me but he went in his room for about 5 minutes before going into her room again

OP posts:
SunshineAngel · 14/09/2019 11:46

I think it's too easy to let things go because of the ASD, but if anything it's even more important to teach right from wrong.

I feel incredibly sorry for your daughter in all of this. You are NOT a bad mother, but this is her childhood, she only gets one, and as it stands she is being treated unfairly.

She needs her independence. That means being allowed to play with friends alone, and go to parties alone.

Also, you say you son doesn't do things like go and watch television with you, or go out to pick your daughter up later, because he "doesn't want to". But your daughter doesn't leave the party. You're doing this because you know she behaves (slightly) better when she doesn't get her own way.

I would push for the diagnosis, and then get a behavioural counsellor involved for the whole family, to help get into better habits of discipline.

SunshineAngel · 14/09/2019 11:46

*daughter doesn't want to. Sorry.

Waiting1987 · 14/09/2019 11:49

I would get her a lock for her room. She deserves her own space.

wishingforapositiveyear · 14/09/2019 11:50

ASD or not your allowing him to behave like a brat , not surprised DD is fed up . Get stricter quick, my dd has ASD but still needs basic manners and actually behaves a lot better with boundaries the world can't revolve around her and your setting him up to fail if you let him dominate every activity and make the rules.

Original poster
Medicti · 14/09/2019 11:51

And if he was invited and he didn't go to the party he would have to come with me to take her and if I told him he couldnt go he would probably have a meltdown or refuse to Go and pick her up when the party was over.

He doesn't get invited to parties from his class as he doesn't have any friends as he doesn't talk to the other children and at break times and lunchtimes at school he goes to DD and her friends or walks around the play ground if she isn't at school.

OP posts:
bionicnemonic · 14/09/2019 11:54

Definitely neither of them allowed into the others room. Strictly out of bounds. And no talking from the doorway either. Personal space

bridgetreilly · 14/09/2019 11:54

Just telling him to do something or telling him off isn't working, is it, OP? You need ways that actually change his behaviour. He also needs to learn that sometimes he doesn't not get to decide what he is allowed to do. Like last night. If he can't stop interrupting your daughter, then he doesn't get the choice to stay upstairs. He has to come down and be in the room with you. And if he refuses, there is appropriate discipline in place.

I definitely wouldn't be taking him to parties with his sister. She's old enough to go on her own. This is a good chance to take him to the park or somewhere that would be a treat, so that the two of you have positive time together alone. And do the same with your daughter whenever he is at a party or with friends.

user87382294757 · 14/09/2019 11:55

She is Y6 so becoming more independent, older and needing her privacy and space. I agree with the lock idea and think your DC needs consequences, not just telling off.

bridgetreilly · 14/09/2019 11:56

And if he was invited and he didn't go to the party he would have to come with me to take her and if I told him he couldnt go he would probably have a meltdown or refuse to Go and pick her up when the party was over.

Yes, this is your basic problem. He's worked out (consciously or not) that he can do whatever he wants because you will always want to avoid the tantrum. You are going to have to tough it out through some tantrums/meltdowns, OP, in order to make it clear that you are the parent and you make the decisions. Good luck.

user87382294757 · 14/09/2019 11:56

Also that is bizarre him going to parties with her, why would Y6 girls have parties with the younger siblings along?

DracarysThis · 14/09/2019 11:58

Yep, you are too soft on him, ASD or not, but that doesn't make you a bad parent. Flowers

However, the whole party thing is a nonsense - tell people not to invite him, or better yet, help him to understand actions have consequences: if he can't behave, he doesn't get to go.

Original poster
Medicti · 14/09/2019 12:00

Some of the parents are my friends. Others have a younger child from sons class/a bit younger.

If he went to a party of someones in his own class though I'd have to stay as he wouldn't be able to do the whole party

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 14/09/2019 12:02

Exactly! Agree with what @NoIDontWatchLoveIsland has said

Just because he has suspected asd you are letting him get away with absolute murder.

FallenSky · 14/09/2019 12:03

My DS has ASD so I do understand how difficult it is. However, you are being really unfair to your DD and actually not helping your DS in the long run. You need to make sure he has firm boundaries. There is a massive difference between being understanding of his difficulties and adjusting certain behaviours to help him and basically letting him do what he wants. My DS understands his conditions (he has other disabilities) and he knows that it is an explanation for his behaviour sometimes. But he also knows it is never an excuse. I know it's hard but will your DS be able to function well as an adult if he grows up knowing that he can get away with anything because he's "different"? With the parties, if your DD doesn't mind him tagging along then that's fine. But he needs to know that if he wants to leave early that's fine but you will be leaving and then returning for his sister. No questions.

melissasummerfield · 14/09/2019 12:04

Stop pandering to the tantrums and give him consequences when he ignores you op, he is 8 years old and controlling you, what will it be like when he is 14 and possibly bigger and stronger than you?!

If you have never disciplined him this is why he behaves like he does.

SparklyMagpie · 14/09/2019 12:05

Also I can't imagine how hard it is but this really isn't fair on your daughter, constantly being hassled and bothered :(

BarbedBloom · 14/09/2019 12:06

The problem here is your daughter is suffering because she is easier to manage when she is unhappier. The same happened with me as a child because even though my brother didn't have ASD he would scream and throw things round when he didn't get his own way.

He doesn't go to the parties, your daughter needs some space where things are about her only. Even with ASD he needs boundaries and structure. I certainly wouldn't have let him sit there and play Roblox with her and her friend either as that is rewarding his unacceptable behavior.

Get your daughter a lock for her door. She needs privacy and a safe space. Your son needs consequences, not just a telling off. You need to sit down with your daughter and say that you hear what she is saying and things will change and then do the same with your son, explaining consequences going forward and then do it every single time

user87382294757 · 14/09/2019 12:07

Fair enough about going to his parties with him but still very strange he goes to the older sisters. Most would be having their own parties at that age. She will be off at secondary soon and will be more independence for her.

iloveredwine · 14/09/2019 12:07

for parties ask another mum to drop your daughter back after the party if he would refuse to go. I'm sure that the other parents would help out.

user87382294757 · 14/09/2019 12:08

In Y6 most children can walk to and back from parties alone, or could even pick up with the son, rather than all go along.

user87382294757 · 14/09/2019 12:09

Also just read that the daughter needs to leave when the son does as well, very unfair and could be solved if she was left to go alone.

Original poster
Medicti · 14/09/2019 12:16

When he was playing roblox with her i didn't let him he went on his Ipad and joined her game as they are friends with each other.

She can't walk to some party's as her friends live quite far away but she walks to 1 of her friends party's and her house if she gets invited to go round.

OP posts:
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.