To feel like a terrible mum

[Medicti]

Name changed for this as don't want to be identified

I'm a single mum to 2 children. A girl aged 10 and a boy aged 8. DD is in year 6 and DS is in year 4.

Son is suspected to have asd but hasn't been diagnosed.

My DS is constantly winding DD up (for example he goes into her room and turns her laptop off and then that makes her start shouting at him and then she goes into his room and takes his stuff which results in him crying and me telling her to give him whatever she's taken off him and then she starts shouting at me for not telling him off).

Whenever daughter gets invited to a party her friends parents invite son aswell (so he isn't left out). And when son wants to leave i have to take daughter with us as son won't want to go out with me to get her later on. Daughter always says it's unfair and I'm the worst mum ever and she hates me.

Last night daughter was having a friend over for a sleepover and son kept going into her room. I did tell him to go back to his room/come downstairs with me to watch a film/play a game etc. But he kept saying no.

In the end he was joined in with her and her friend playing roblox.

But when her friend left she started saying he ruins everything and I'm the worst mum ever.

What can I do/advice? 😞

Your dd deserves to be able to go to her friends parties on her own, and not have her sleep overs interrupted. You need to enforces DS boundaries much better.

I'm sure that it must be difficult looking after your ds, but I think you need to fairer to your dd. If she is happy to go to parties alone then I think that would solve one problem (your ds doesn't have to get out of the car at drop offs, and maybe another parent would bring her out to the car to meet you at the end of the party if you explained).

Agree your ds needs clearer boundaries about his sister's room and invading her playdates. You could write a social story for him about this? I am not sure why you didn't stay with him to stop him disturbing the girls when you became aware this was a problem.

It must be hard, but i would try and nurture her independence and allow ways for her to do her own stuff, she will thank you for it. Good luck.

I think you need to find an activity group for your son, somewhere he can burn his energy off with kids his own age. My 7 yr old son (anxiety issues) did gymnastics for 2 years, a lot of kids boys & girls with asd and disabilities went and they all thrived. Loads more boys doing this now too.

Maybe have someone else take your daughter to her parties? -- believe me I know it's a struggle if you do most of the childcare.

Much more time away from each other is needed.

She doesn't hate YOU. She loves you to bits. She hates the situation and she's angry that so far you aren't coming up with a solution.

If he goes to her during break and lunch how will he manage for years 5 and 6 when she is in high school?

He needs boundaries and to learn to play with his own friends now, it’s not helping him pandering to him, you are actually preventing him from learning how to develop friendships, and the longer it goes on the harder it is going to be.

Your dd really needs her own friends, her own friendships and her own space to be a kid.

Can you organise for other parents to bring your dd home after the party? If you explain the situation, they won’t mind, I’m sure. I can imagine it is very hard.

Unfortunately you have chosen the path of least resistance, which is to not upset your ds at any cost and your dd has become collateral damage.

The upshot is quite possibly an out of control teen son and a daughter, who pulls away from you more and more as she gets older. You’re not a terrible mum. Time to sit down with your dd and apologise to her and work out a way to sort this out. Maybe she can help with this too, she will be at secondary next year after all.

You definitely aren't a shit mum! You're trying to balance the competing needs of your children one of whom has additional needs and it's hard, doubly so because there's only one adult because you can't strategies that would involve one of your children being in a different space.

There are ways around this that will ease some of the difficulties that you're all facing, but I think that targeted input would help you find out what would work for your family.

Specifically, I think it would be helpful to find ways of managing your ds's behaviour. As you're finding, regular management techniques often don't work with children who have additional needs. That doesn't mean nothing will! He will find ways to regulate his response to situations but it sounds like he needs a bit of extra help to do so.

Is there a sure start near you? A local support group for families with children who have additional needs? While you're waiting to get a diagnosis, it could be really helpful to get specialist advice from people who have experience of dealing with these situations.

Good luck OP and this is totally resolvable in that you are showing clear awareness of the issue and want to address it.

Are there no consequences for his bad behaviour/ignoring you?

Your poor daughter.

I know things are difficult, but if you don't sort this out now you could have a helluva situation on your hands when they are older.

My sibling has been allowed to get away with murder for years. So long as she doesn't get upset that's fine, regardless of the consequences to me. As a result I have nothing to do with her, and am not close to my mother, because I can't forgive her for hurting me whilst appeasing my sibling many, many times.

Why is it that your son gets to do what he wants, and your daughter has to go along with it? She goes to a party (I'm sure she'd rather go alone) - he gets to go too. He wants to go home (she no doubt wants to stay with her friends) - they both go home. She wants to play with friends without him, he wants to join in, he joins in. It is VERY unfair to your daughter and you really risk alienating her from you when she's older.

You're the adult, you have to take control of your son now, because otherwise you won't see much of your daughter as soon as she gets freedom away from both of you when she's older.

Does your daughter not have a lock on her bedroom door? She's entitled to privacy. This will only get worse as he has no consequences for his bad behaviour. It's also unfair that she's landed with having him at every party she's invited to.

No wonder she's resentful :(

OP I gave some experience of this. My DS is demanding expecting a brat at times, ASD but not an excuse, he constantly wants more attention than his sister.
Stop your boy now, let him have a meltdown he will learn from it, my DS has had many but is learning, if he was my husband I'd leave him.
It is very hard for siblings, you can take control.
Next time can her friends DM take her to the party, you collect her, don't allow DS go.
Punish him for bad behaviour, he has to learn no is no, he'll be a man soon he needs to learn he cant get what he wants.
Watch some super nanny episodes that helped me.

*I have

This is a good place to start finding support and advice including local resources:

www.contact.org.uk/advice-and-support/local-support/

Seems to me you let this situation happen for a quiet life

Your daughter takes the brunt of responsibility.

She’ll leave home as soon as she can and you’ll be left to finally deal with him.

What’s he like at school behaviour wise

Sometimes he is going to have meltdowns. That does not mean he should be allowed to break rules/avoid punishment/do whatever he wants even where it hurts others.

Unfortunately OP I think you know what you need to do, and in the short term at least it will be very hard for you as he is going to push back hard having got away with it for as long as he has. Pick your battles, start with some basic ground rules eg can't go in DDs room without permission and have some clear, consistent boundaries/sanctions for not complying.

Start with a chart, visual works, when DD is invited to party dress it up as a time for you two to be alone.
Tell her DD will also have alone time with you. Invest in DD also trust in her about DS how is behaviour is very wrong and should never be accepted, show her it wont be allowed anymore.
I promise it is easier to change things than you think, you need to be consistent.
I sometimes feel like Gladiator after a day here, other days I feel like Nemo, you must go on.

You seem to be making excuses a lot, OP.
I don't judge you - it must be extremely hard to be a single parent and have a child with SN. However, your daughter shouldn't be used as the soft option to keep your son happy.
You need to woman up and get very firm with your son so that your daughter has her own life that doesn't involve appeasing him, otherwise you might lose her respect down the line.

OP I feel for you and you are not a terrible mum, otherwise you wouldn't even care.

But I will say your DD home life sounds miserable. It's hard enough having an annoying younger sibling looks at sister without having to leave a party early, not have alone time etc. Easier said then done but the solution is to be firm, instead of asking him however many times not to go in her room, remove him and place him downstairs. There will be meltdowns, but you do not want your DD to start hating her own home and searching for somewhere else. Which will happen in her teens.

He is behaving like this because you are allowing him to! Stop sending him over to her friends place even if he is invited. Put a lock on her door. She is crying and telling you all these things which are blatantly easy to solve.
If he keeps going in to her room then go in and drag him out if you have to. Why are you letting him do this? Stop excusing his bad behavior

I didn't stay with him last night because he went into his own room and continued playing with his lego.

His behaviour at school is OK although he doesn't speak to other children. I don't know what he will do when she leaves primary school.

Me and son used to leave the party and go but son refused to get dressed and even if still in pyjamas he would refuse to get in the car. Even if I told him we would go somewhere after

OP I echo you are not a shit DM. You're on her looking for advice and solutions.
Depending on how the thread goes, you may need to get it moved to relationships.
I've been there and still am at times just for peace.
You can and will change things the rewards will be worth it.

Then worst case pay for a taxi to get your daughter there or ask another parent. He is constantly getting his own way and he will be totally unmanageable in a few years

When she goes to a party you could arrange to have some 1-2-1 time with your son, such as take him to the park/soft play McDonald’s or something. Also when your DD has friends over you could have a games/movie night with your DS.

Re school, he really needs to learn to play with other children and not relay on your DD. Have you spoken to school about his difficulties? My DD is the same age and is currently awaiting a neurodevelopmental assessment and even before we were on the waiting list school have put in measures to help support my DD both with her relationships with her peers/friends as well as putting strategies to help with her academic work. They have a pastoral care support worker at school who uses social stories ect to help children develop relationships with their peers as well as working on self esteem, and behaviour ect. She is also on the special educational needs register at school, and her class teacher who is aware of her difficulties has been great in managing her behaviour but has had to adapt her behaviour/discipline techniques as my DD responds better to things like reward charts.

Also although your DS is not diagnosed as having a learning disability, you may benefit from parenting classes as children with neurodevelopmental difficulties can be more challenging. Parenting classes usually are run by sure start centres, or in my area there’s a charity that also runs theses as they recognise that parents need support too.

So if I were you (and you’ve not already sought support) I’d:

• Speak to school and get him on the SEN register and understand what support they can provide to help him improve his relationship with his peers.
• If he’s got SEN he will need a school child phycologist review to understand his difficulty, that then could lead onto a SALT or CAMHS referral.
• Speak to your local children’s centre I understand what support is available to you to help manage his behaviour.
• Try to manage his behaviour by being consistent and using things like a reward chart/balls in a jar for example when he has managed to stay out of your DDs room all night when her friends are there, and when he has so many he gets a small treat. Or you could try removing his favourite toy for the evening, but this doesn’t work with my own DD she responds better to rewards.

Me and son used to leave the party and go but son refused to get dressed and even if still in pyjamas he would refuse to get in the car. Even if I told him we would go somewhere after

Try a reward chart or stickers or those collectable cards you can buy.

My DD uses delay tactics to get out of the house, would be late getting to school ect so I started using stickers and collectable cards which you can put in a book and give her one if she gets to school on time. I also hand them out as rewards for good behaviour.

Re him having no friends at school, have you spoken to his teachers I find this really sad they’ve not tried to help him.