To feel like a terrible mum

[Medicti]

Name changed for this as don't want to be identified

I'm a single mum to 2 children. A girl aged 10 and a boy aged 8. DD is in year 6 and DS is in year 4.

Son is suspected to have asd but hasn't been diagnosed.

My DS is constantly winding DD up (for example he goes into her room and turns her laptop off and then that makes her start shouting at him and then she goes into his room and takes his stuff which results in him crying and me telling her to give him whatever she's taken off him and then she starts shouting at me for not telling him off).

Whenever daughter gets invited to a party her friends parents invite son aswell (so he isn't left out). And when son wants to leave i have to take daughter with us as son won't want to go out with me to get her later on. Daughter always says it's unfair and I'm the worst mum ever and she hates me.

Last night daughter was having a friend over for a sleepover and son kept going into her room. I did tell him to go back to his room/come downstairs with me to watch a film/play a game etc. But he kept saying no.

In the end he was joined in with her and her friend playing roblox.

But when her friend left she started saying he ruins everything and I'm the worst mum ever.

What can I do/advice? 😞

I'll have a look in the shops and online for a lock.

I'm glad the others have pointed out how unfair this all is on your DD! She may well be starting puberty soon, starting to feel very conscious about her body, it's really, really NOT okay to feel like she has no space or privacy in her own room. Honestly, no wonder she's throwing around dramatic language like you being the worst mum.. that's a bit far. But she's telling you one of her (perfectly reasonable) boundaries is being crossed repeatedly, you need to be the one to fix it. Literally, with a lock if necessary.

Re getting to parties, try a visual plan of what will happen and lots of going through it together e.g. at 2.30 we will get dressed and use the toilet, then put on shoes and coat and get in the car. We will put on seat belts and drive to drop dd off. Then mum and ds will go to the park. At 5pm we will pick dd up and come home.

Then try very hard to stay calm and remind ds of the plan. But 8yo is not too big to pick up and put into the car in pjs if necessary the first few times. He cannot be in charge, because he will soon be too big to pick up!

If he refuses to get dressed and go to school, what would you do?

I'd drop DD off at her parties and keep DS in the car driving around endlessly bored if it were me. If he can't be trusted to act responsibly, here's the other choice.

The party stuff has to stop. It's really unfair and when she is a teenager, no way will he be included so it makes sense to start getting him used to the idea early. I would enlist some of DD's friends parents and ask them to give her a lift home if you drop off to the party or similar.

So far her friends are OK with it but at secondary school if he carries on they wouldn't.

There’s a difference between being OK with it and being too polite to say anything. Trust me, no pre teen girl is OK with this.

I feel really sorry for your daughter.

I’m wondering why he’s always invited? Do her friends feel she wouldn’t come unless he does? So they accept it? They can hardly see her without him?
I have twins and they were rarely invited to parties together and neither were invited to the eldest parties ..... ?

Your poor daughter. Asd or no asd you are going to have to do something about your son's behaviour fast OP, or else she is going to grow up with so much resentment towards him, and that's the last thing you'd want isn't it? Your DS obviously does know how to behave otherwise people wouldn't so readily let him tag along to their kids parties with your DD- about that, I'm surprised these people are kind enough to do that but not kind enough to offer to drop your DD home later on when your DS demands to go home.Have you always been soft with him or is it only since his teacher told you they suspect he may have additional needs btw? Like others have said, putting a lock on your DD's room would be a simple solution to allow her own much needed space. I would disallow DS from attending any parties with her from now on-do the age old trick of pretending to leave without him if he refuses to come to pick her up with you, or if that doesn't work send a taxi for her.
Does your DS have any interests that you could nurture by way of encouraging him to join a club, where he will learn to make friends with like minded kids, to help him develop his own friendship group and confidence. He will need all the help he can get to encourage social skills and independence because his sister will not be around for him to hang around with at school for much longer.