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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel like a terrible mum

83 replies

Medicti · 14/09/2019 11:07

Name changed for this as don't want to be identified

I'm a single mum to 2 children. A girl aged 10 and a boy aged 8. DD is in year 6 and DS is in year 4.

Son is suspected to have asd but hasn't been diagnosed.

My DS is constantly winding DD up (for example he goes into her room and turns her laptop off and then that makes her start shouting at him and then she goes into his room and takes his stuff which results in him crying and me telling her to give him whatever she's taken off him and then she starts shouting at me for not telling him off).

Whenever daughter gets invited to a party her friends parents invite son aswell (so he isn't left out). And when son wants to leave i have to take daughter with us as son won't want to go out with me to get her later on. Daughter always says it's unfair and I'm the worst mum ever and she hates me.

Last night daughter was having a friend over for a sleepover and son kept going into her room. I did tell him to go back to his room/come downstairs with me to watch a film/play a game etc. But he kept saying no.

In the end he was joined in with her and her friend playing roblox.

But when her friend left she started saying he ruins everything and I'm the worst mum ever.

What can I do/advice? 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
Medicti · 14/09/2019 13:51

The school know about him not talking to others. The school brought up getting him assessed for asd. The school let son stay inside sometimes if he wants to but when he goes outside he goes to DD. We are on the waiting list for him to be assessed and have been since the end of year 1/the start of year 2.

I was going to do something with him yesterday but he wouldn't come downstairs.

Sometimes DD does something though as he was just building something quietly and she's just been in his room and broke his lego building I know son wasn't doing anything because if he went into her i would've heard him walking.

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 14/09/2019 14:00

I don't doubt your DD tends to antagonise him, mine does at times too.
It is learnt behaviour between the two and they need their fix, you don't want DD seeking out this behaviour when she is grown up.
All siblings squabble it is important to balance to good with the bad.

Icantthinkofanynewnames · 14/09/2019 14:05

Your daughter needs her own life separate to her brother. If I’m honest it DOES sound like he is allowed to spoil lots of experiences for her. It’s not her fault that her brother doesn’t get invited to parties and I don’t think it’s fair on her that you take him along to all of the parties she goes to. Like a PP said, this is her childhood and she deserves some fun and some space without being constantly wound up and forced to leave early because her brother always gets his own way. For a start, stop taking him to her parties or only take him or say, one out of every three. When he does go, don’t make her leave early. Get her a lock for her room, as a PP said. Can you spend some time alone with her - have some girly days? Maybe you could take your son for one on one time when she’s at parties or with her friends to even It out. I was the well behaved sibling and my brother was constantly given special treatment due to his bad behavior and as a result I honestly do resent my mum for treating us differently. I know it won’t be easy and I feel for you, but I think your daughter needs to feel like she comes first sometimes.

Blahblahblahnanana · 14/09/2019 14:05

What is the waiting list for the ASD assessment? Is it with CAMHS? Where I live it’s 2 years so I’d be chasing them and asking what support is available. I’d also contact your local sure start centre and any local charities that are ASD related.

I’d also speak to school as I think there’s more they should be doing to support him, yes they let him stay inside sometimes but that’s not helping him develop relationships. They could also stop him from seeking out your DD, it’s not fair on either of them.

How is his academic work and behaviour at school?

Re your daughters behaviour, she needs probably another tactic. You could try reward charts ect, but I think after her latest incident I’d be taking her iPad or what ever she plays games on off of her until the morning. For good behaviour you could let her stay up a bit later than your DS and watch a film or do a pamper night or something.

Do they see their DF at all?

Blahblahblahnanana · 14/09/2019 14:09

I think I’d also try and separate them a bit more so they can’t wind one another up. So if they both play nicely in their rooms or together, they get a sticker or something or a treat, and if they misbehave the one that does it has to go downstairs and has to read or do some quiet drawing for an hour.

MeadowHay · 14/09/2019 14:19

Different as my DSis isn't on the spectrum - I am, but wasn't diagnosed til I was at uni - but she used to do this to me when I had friends over. There is 4 years between us and we shared a bedroom until I was 16 so when I had friends over during high school the age gap was stark and she would harass the life out of us. My parents refused to acknowledge that I should be allowed any space with my friends without her so eventually I stopped inviting friends over and only went to their houses. It ruined my relationship with my sister - the fact that she was (and still is, even in adulthood!) babied, allowed to do whatever she wants with no regard for anyone else's feelings, always pandered to and enabled by my parents. Neither DB nor I have a good relationship with DSis and she is the single biggest source of tension for the two of us with our DPs.

So essentially what I'm saying is, if you want your DS and DD to have a good relationship you need to sort all this out ASAP and be seen to be being fair to your DD.

Original poster
Medicti · 14/09/2019 14:20

Yes it's CAHMS.

His academic work is OK although he struggles a bit with writing and reading and he's where he should be in maths.

He sometimes refuses to get changed for pe as he hates it and in a few weeks he will be going swimming so he will probably refuse to get changed for that.

The school try to encourage group work but he just sits in his group and doesn't talk to them.

OP posts:
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 14/09/2019 14:21

Your posts are peppered with " he won't do x" "he won't do y". When he refuses to do as you ask, are you punishing him? Eg removing TV time, taking away favourite toys etc? He needs to see consequences of his behaviour.

Blahblahblahnanana · 14/09/2019 14:27

Ok, so you need to speak to CAMHS to understand what support is available as you’re struggling. You also need to speak to school as there’s more they can do too.

If he’s refusing to do things, try taking something away from him or he loses tv time in combination with a reward chart as an incentive for positive/good behaviour.

Original poster
Medicti · 14/09/2019 14:32

If he refuses to do something I tell him he won't be going to x (when DD is with my sister/at her friends but not a party) but most the time he doesn't care and still refuses.

OP posts:
NearlyGranny · 14/09/2019 14:36

Poor DD doesn't even have a break from him at school!

Can you have a quiet chat with her at a calm moment about how you can at least ensure some privacy for her at home? She's puberty-bound and it will really matter!

A lock she can operate from inside and outside her room is one idea. For this, she could be bound over never to go into his room uninvited, whether he's in or not.

EmeraldShamrock · 14/09/2019 14:44

The lock is a good idea. Explain nice and calmly, maybe give him something like a box with a lock and key, for his privacy.
I read a book of choice theory it really helped both of mine have SEN DS worse it helps trick them into decisions by giving two choices both with the same result. Smile goodluck you have my sympathy. Hound cahms in the meantime they are completely useless most of the time.

Blahblahblahnanana · 14/09/2019 14:46

If he refuses to do something I tell him he won't be going to x (when DD is with my sister/at her friends but not a party) but most the time he doesn't care and still refuses

Do you follow through with the consequence?

The refusal thing to get dressed is common, I find rather than threatening not to go to x place or do x thing doesn’t work either. No TV for the day for example, and a sticker/collectable card when they do get dressed/ready works better. You could always try giving him an extra hour to get ready and say that you need to be at x place by x time and if you get ready on time you can earn a sticker, but in actual fact you need to be there at that time but an hour later, so it allows for the refusal to get dressed.

Original poster
Medicti · 14/09/2019 15:30

I'll try with the stickers as he likes stickers.

I'll try and talk to his teacher Monday

OP posts:
TimeIhadaNameChange · 14/09/2019 15:33

The other problem is that your DD's friends may stop wanting to spend time with her if time with her = time with her brother.

At least she only has this year left at primary, so she'll then get 2 years of freedom at senior school without him.

Blahblahblahnanana · 14/09/2019 15:37

I’d arrange a meeting with the schools SENCO teacher.

Juells · 14/09/2019 15:41

Yes to a pp re puberty, that's what I was thinking of when I mentioned a lock for her door. She has no privacy, no wonder she went into his room and messed his lego, she must be so frustrated at being lowest in the pecking order.

Original poster
Medicti · 14/09/2019 15:45

So far her friends are OK with it but at secondary school if he carries on they wouldn't.

At school he just follows her and her friends around whilst they are trying to talk to each other. DD and her friends used to play tag etc with him when she was in year 3 and he was in year 1 and in year 4 and he was in year 2 but then last year they stopped playing games with him as they just wanted to talk to each other.

OP posts:
BitchPeas · 14/09/2019 15:48

It sounds so suffocating for your DD. She can’t have her needs and wants sacrificed to keep your DS happy. You haven’t even acknowledged how she might feel in any of your replies, they are all about him.

If you don’t get a handle on this in a few years you’ll have a very angry daughter and an uncontrollable son.

flirtygirl · 14/09/2019 16:06

He is 8 so carry him to the car and strap him on, I had to carry my daughter for different reasons until she was 10. Also asd.

Meltdowns happens, simple as that and believe me will get worse. Some of it is him playing you up and some is asd.

Wait till he is a teenager, when asd is a nightmare. If you don't sort this out now, your daughter won't want a relationship with either you or her brother.

HugoSpritz · 14/09/2019 16:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Medicti · 14/09/2019 16:30

I know she must feel angry that he gets his own way and she wants to be left alone.

In the car I've let her sit at the front because he used to kick her if we was doing sometimes he didn't want to do or if he was tired. And would try to hit her. I did tell him off though and remove his phone (my old phone which doesn't have a sim card but he has it to play games)

OP posts:
lunar1 · 14/09/2019 16:35

Your daughter needs some space. You are completely allowing your DS to rule your house. Stop letting him go to her parties. It sounds like your DD is taking the brunt of everything. The poor girl doesn't even get space from him at school.

Original poster
Medicti · 14/09/2019 16:49

I know she needs privacy.

OP posts:
yellowallpaper · 14/09/2019 16:53

Lock on dds door?

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