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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is he selfish or am I being narky

105 replies

mammyisainmdom · 13/09/2019 22:47

First time poster, long time lurker!

I am 20 and DP is 25. We both live with our respective parents. We have a 11 month old DS (My mum is retired and minds him during the day when I get my 20 hours a week done) We are saving for a deposit to buy a house, nearly there. He works full time, I work part time. We are together 2.5 years. He takes the baby from Saturday afternoon to Sunday afternoon. Things are normally great but I need to know who's in the wrong here. I don't work Fridays, my parents are gone away for the weekend from this morning on a holiday that was booked well in advanced, baby has a vicious tummy bug, couldn't keep anything down so DP and I were in A+E with him for 5 hours last night, he usually goes to the pub on a Friday evening with his friends, I am quite anxious at home with the baby and caring for a sick child is all new to me so I asked this morning if he would stay home tonight to help me with DS instead of going to the pub and he didn't reply til this evening when he completely ignored the message and said 'leaving work and heading to the pub, i'll let you know when i'm home'. I left it for a few hours and then text to say I was really struggling with DS and he is very unsettled and I asked why did he blatantly ignore this message? He replied saying I should be taking it up with my parents instead of him that they left for a holiday when they knew I'd need their help because everyone knows he goes to the pub on a Friday evening.

For what it's worth, I know he is in the pub, I can see the whole night play out on his various friends Instagram stories. He spends quite a bit of time in my mums and vice versa, we both get on with each others families great. AIBU or is he being unreasonable?

OP posts:
IWantMyHatBack · 14/09/2019 08:59

Glad you're ditching this useless arsehole

Just a thought... Are your house savings in a joint account?

ranoutofquinoaandprosecco · 14/09/2019 09:00

Stay strong op. You mentioned you were saving for a house deposit is your contribution safe?
Also it's probably time to seek some legal advice as to your son's future.

mankyfourthtoe · 14/09/2019 09:00

Sort out joint finances quickly, ie take your share

Howlovely · 14/09/2019 09:03

Urgh what a twat. I really hope you are alright, it's a huge and brave decision to make and well done for going through with it, especially when your parents are away. He obviously thinks he has the upper hand and can make you beg for him but now you've shown him that you have the upper hand. I really don't think you'll regret this and will be much better off without him. He won't be able to go to the pub so often when he had your son every other weekend now will he.
Best of luck with everything and I hope your son is on the mend.

Gamble66 · 14/09/2019 09:05

Your child never had it's Dad as thier family X You sound a brilliant mother and have made such a hard but good decision for both the babies and your future.
That cockwomble would have held you back.

ThatCurlyGirl · 14/09/2019 09:06

He sounds horrible OP poor you. Well done for following through, it sounds like absolutely the right decision. And from your posts there are a few grandparents around to give you some support which is great. Well done Thanks

Original poster
mammyisainmdom · 14/09/2019 09:08

@IWantMyHatBack no thankfully our savings are in our own separate accounts.

OP posts:
Hangingwithmygnomies · 14/09/2019 09:10

Well done OP - what a complete and utter wank badger he is. It's definitely not your fault, it is 100 his for being so selfish when you specifically asked him to stay and help you take care of your DS. I can't even believe the audacity of him to think your parents should cancel their holiday to look after the baby! You sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders and a good support network. You can do this Flowers x

mankyfourthtoe · 14/09/2019 09:12

And start your cms claim

Notwiththeseknees · 14/09/2019 09:16

He sounds an utter waste of space. Please choose your freedom & a happy life for you and your baby and not to waste your great young years tied to this dickhead.

No partner means that your life is what you choose to make it. A shit partner will make your life shit.

You have friends and a caring family supporting you. Turn the page and move on.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 14/09/2019 09:17

thankfully our savings are in our own separate accounts.

I would put money on there being rather more in your account than his.

You’re doing the right thing.

Windygate · 14/09/2019 09:19

Realistically you weren't in a relationship with this man. He has his/your son every Saturday overnight. You've been a lone parent from the start.
If your DC is still unwell then they stay with you. Put in CMS claim and move towards a mediated or ordered child arrangement.

Tonnerre · 14/09/2019 09:23

Hilarious that he thought that the threat of losing his wonderfulness would be enough to bring you into line and stop you making uppity requests for help with his sick child.

AlbusSeverusMalfoy · 14/09/2019 09:26

Youre looking to get a house with a 'man' who instead of helping with his child goes down the pub and then blames your parents for going on holiday. Wow.. just wow. I dont think id want to be living with this man child.

GoneToTheDock · 14/09/2019 09:28

Well done op

I can see you are resolved now, but I was thinking if you wobble, just ask yourself if someone offered to babysit when your dc was so I'll (you felt out of your depth) would you go out? To the pub? Would you want to?

romany4 · 14/09/2019 09:43

You have your shit together. You're amazing.
He's a cunt.

ashtrayheart · 14/09/2019 09:49

Stay strong OP - he may try to wriggle out of this when he realises you're serious.

The pub is more important to him than your child, is the sad truth.

katseyes7 · 14/09/2019 09:50

He's a twat. Please do not, under any circumstances, buy a house with this man. Speaking from personal experience, l'd run a mile. He's not going to be supportive of you in any shape or form. You'll end up miserable and in effect, a single parent. Far better to stay with your parents (if you can, or want to) or get a place on your own with your parents support. Being a single parent is hard, but it's do-able. Being (in effect) a single parent in a 'relationship' like this is ten times harder. Do yourself and your little one a favour and bin him. He's never going to step or be a responsible father or partner to you.

chickenyhead · 14/09/2019 09:59

Wow he is a special spangly twazock

He really rates himself. You can do better, I would bet that the first man to walk past your house would do better than him ffs.

X

littlepaddypaws · 14/09/2019 10:13

heck, well done that woman, full respect to you for being strong and doing it ! carry on being strong for you and dc, you can do this.
my moneys on him being with another woman in the next week since he thinks he's gods gift.
you have a lovely baby but you really dodged a bullet with him, and his last text was trying to gaslight you as well, Shock what a piece of shit!

Original poster
mammyisainmdom · 14/09/2019 10:28

I'm definitely going to stay with my parents so I can upskill and get a better paying job to go full-time time and put myself and DS in a better position.

He has a monthly standing order for DS and he has since he was born for milk/ nappies/ food/ clothes- I know it would be the equivalent of maintenance. He's not tight and he is very generous with money. He has a good job and works over between 40-50 hours a week. I'm sure last night arose because he assumes because he works more he is entitled to more 'me time'.

I can't see him being civil, not initially anyways.

OP posts:
Elieza · 14/09/2019 10:40

Good choice to dump him OP.
Well done, that must have been hard but it’s defo for the best.

If you’re still worried, just remind yourself what he said. No good dad would have been on about the mother of his child being controlling. He would have been more concerned about the love of his life being so upset and the fear that he may not see his son again.

And any good dad would not knowingly have gone to the pub when the child was in A&E. He would have broken landspeed records trying to get there to help.

It would be a shame if his parents miss out on the baby though. So often grandparents are forgotten about. Perhaps you would be able to tell them they can still see the baby even though you’ve split up because their darling son hasn’t grown up sufficiently to prioritise his sick child over the pub. If they are good grandparents that is. He probably hasn’t told them why you split, probably said you were controlling and overbearing, so expect some backlash from the manchild one his parents hear from you the real reason you split and chin him for it. Or perhaps they are just like him. In which case you are well shot of the lot of those idiots.

Good luck with everything, new career etc. Flowers

ThatCurlyGirl · 14/09/2019 10:43

Shit only just saw that you're 20! I think you sound fantastic, if I was your mum I'd be really proud of you Thanks

Pinkbonbon · 14/09/2019 10:57

Think there's a chance he might cancel that standing order out of spite? I'd maybe look into the legal avenue just incase.

Bet he'll be a dick for weeks, trying to convince others he is hard done by and you are controlling. Be careful of any mutual friends as he will try use them to his advantage.

You're well shot. He isn't immature, he's just selfish and that won't ever change unfortunately.

Templetonstunafish · 14/09/2019 13:40

Good luck OP and well done, you've made the best decision for your son.