Is he selfish or am I being narky

[mammyisainmdom]

First time poster, long time lurker!

I am 20 and DP is 25. We both live with our respective parents. We have a 11 month old DS (My mum is retired and minds him during the day when I get my 20 hours a week done) We are saving for a deposit to buy a house, nearly there. He works full time, I work part time. We are together 2.5 years. He takes the baby from Saturday afternoon to Sunday afternoon. Things are normally great but I need to know who's in the wrong here. I don't work Fridays, my parents are gone away for the weekend from this morning on a holiday that was booked well in advanced, baby has a vicious tummy bug, couldn't keep anything down so DP and I were in A+E with him for 5 hours last night, he usually goes to the pub on a Friday evening with his friends, I am quite anxious at home with the baby and caring for a sick child is all new to me so I asked this morning if he would stay home tonight to help me with DS instead of going to the pub and he didn't reply til this evening when he completely ignored the message and said 'leaving work and heading to the pub, i'll let you know when i'm home'. I left it for a few hours and then text to say I was really struggling with DS and he is very unsettled and I asked why did he blatantly ignore this message? He replied saying I should be taking it up with my parents instead of him that they left for a holiday when they knew I'd need their help because everyone knows he goes to the pub on a Friday evening.

For what it's worth, I know he is in the pub, I can see the whole night play out on his various friends Instagram stories. He spends quite a bit of time in my mums and vice versa, we both get on with each others families great. AIBU or is he being unreasonable?

Nope he's being an arse. The pub over his own sick infant? Awful. It's nothing to do with your mum, he needs to start taking responsibility. Also, when do you get to go to the pub with your mates, leaving baby with him? Im guessing never.

Please think very carefully about committing yourself to buying a house with this man child.

I would, possibly, have some sympathy with his night out if it was a long planned one off event, such as a stag do, or 30th birthday. But a regular Friday night down the pub? No. Listen very carefully, because he is telling you who he is.

If your parents are away surely he should be jumping at the chance to be staying at your parents this weekend? But sounds like no he's going home to mummy after night out with his friends. Ditch this man child.

This is your warning @mammyisainmdom; you better heed it. He has his child one night a week and I'll go out on a limb and suggest that maybe his parents do the bulk of the minding on that one night because they are happy to see their grandchild. So effectively he has had no hands on responsibility. And he can't give up one night of weekly drinking with mates because he really does not give a shit about you or his child.

Don't buy a house with him. I know it is hard when you are young and you want your own place and space and you love your baby and think you love this loser, but he is not a good future bet and it will only get worse if you live with him. Talk to your parents about your options.

Staggered by this reply to your request for help
" I should be taking it up with my parents instead of him" and blaming your parents for taking a long booked week's holiday, because it inconveniences his regular Friday night binge.. which has to be publicised on Instagram because it is so amazing. What a pratt. Where is the concern for his child in all of this? People have said he is a child, but he is worse, he is inherently selfish. This will only get worse with time. He doesn't deserve either of you.

Pretty unanimous there OP - he's a prat.

I wouldn't be making any significant financial commitments with this guy. Who prioritises a night in the pub over their sick child and struggling partner ? No one decent !

My exh was very like this he never grew up, his interests always took priority over mine and his dcs needs. He took part in his hobbies and went away missing his daughter's birthday party. He went out with his friends when our child was in hospital. I was unable to work outside the home because he refused to help me raise our children. I wasted so many unhappy years staying with him 'for the sake of the children' please don't make the same mistake. He is unlikely to change.

hes a twat, once you have a child its time to stop being one!

I've spent the last few hours thinking about things and talking to friends about it.

I linked them this thread and they all said that I know that nobody here is wrong. I do.

I'm going calls things off in the morning. I'm ignoring his drunken self tonight. I need to focus on DS and myself.

Thank you all!

Well done OP.

Hope it goes well for you lass.

It’s not your parents baby.

I have never hated anyone as much as I did my dd's father when he wouldn't buy her medicines because he needed the money for a holiday he was going on the next day.

You have all my sympathy, OP, but you are woman and we women are strong.

Well done OP! Staggered by how selfish and immature your DP is .

Please, please think very carefully about your future and your baby's future. Parenting must be a team project. He is selfish and irresponsible. It will only lead to heartbreak if you stay with him.

Well done OP

You are clearly a great parent and fully capable of doing this on your own. Best wishes

When you have a child your first responsibility is to the child. Too bad if he usually goes to the pub, his kid is sick and he should be home. And for him to say it’s your parents who should help out - what BS. Your parents do not have any duty or obligation to your baby at all, they’re grandparents not parents. Unfortunately he’s unlikely to change - he’s a twat.

Grown ups who have children are on call 24 hours a day until their children are 18 years old. They have no god given right to go to the pub on Friday night. Their first priority should be keeping their children alive, either by providing for their children or by ensuring that their children are properly cared for and safe. All else is commentary.

What an utter nob.

I agree with all the previous posts on this one. What do you think your future with him will look like?

This man child will expect you to become his mother if you move in with him. He will never EVER help with the baby and you will end up feeling like a single mother to two kids instead of one. Please don’t ever give him the satisfaction, and let him burden his own poor mother for the rest of his pathetic existence.

You deserve and will find better than this. Your baby deserves better most of all. Be strong! Good luck!

I really hope you stick to your guns and call this off, OP. You deserve more than him but more importantly, your child does.

I cannot believe he wouldn't be there for his sick child! It wouldn't even be a question for my DP. He's his responsibility!

He's a selfish prick. My DH would immediately cancel a night out if our DS was ill. He isn't a good parent, please don't buy a house with him

My DH is another who goes to the pub every Friday night and always has. Admittedly he would have been quite keen to still go anyway even when DS1 was a baby and ill (on the [true] basis that only one parent is really necessary), but I think (hope!) that he wouldn't have gone if I'd expressly asked him to stay and help.

Your DP is being an unkind and unhelpful arsehole.

I'm glad to read that you are calling it off. Its refreshing to see a young woman with this attitude. Good luck to you and your DS

This is soooo wrong.

He’s an idiot. Ltb. He’s vile.