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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is he selfish or am I being narky

105 replies

mammyisainmdom · 13/09/2019 22:47

First time poster, long time lurker!

I am 20 and DP is 25. We both live with our respective parents. We have a 11 month old DS (My mum is retired and minds him during the day when I get my 20 hours a week done) We are saving for a deposit to buy a house, nearly there. He works full time, I work part time. We are together 2.5 years. He takes the baby from Saturday afternoon to Sunday afternoon. Things are normally great but I need to know who's in the wrong here. I don't work Fridays, my parents are gone away for the weekend from this morning on a holiday that was booked well in advanced, baby has a vicious tummy bug, couldn't keep anything down so DP and I were in A+E with him for 5 hours last night, he usually goes to the pub on a Friday evening with his friends, I am quite anxious at home with the baby and caring for a sick child is all new to me so I asked this morning if he would stay home tonight to help me with DS instead of going to the pub and he didn't reply til this evening when he completely ignored the message and said 'leaving work and heading to the pub, i'll let you know when i'm home'. I left it for a few hours and then text to say I was really struggling with DS and he is very unsettled and I asked why did he blatantly ignore this message? He replied saying I should be taking it up with my parents instead of him that they left for a holiday when they knew I'd need their help because everyone knows he goes to the pub on a Friday evening.

For what it's worth, I know he is in the pub, I can see the whole night play out on his various friends Instagram stories. He spends quite a bit of time in my mums and vice versa, we both get on with each others families great. AIBU or is he being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Cominground · 14/09/2019 07:23

Giving you a hand to hold. That must have been s very difficult decision. Hope it goes well for you!

Yeahnahyeah1 · 14/09/2019 07:28

You sound like you’ve got your head screwed on OP. He, on the other hand, sounds like an absolute nightmare. Well done for recognising that you deserve better than him, and making plans to change it, that takes a lot of courage, especially with such a young child. You know you’re doing the right thing.

ScoobyCan · 14/09/2019 07:31

Been there and done that and we are weeks away from decree absolute. Pity I didn't dump the manchild as soon as he didn't visit each day for 10 days (or for any more than five minutes) when our first DC was in the NICU.....

Utterly appalling and irresponsible behaviour when you're a new mummy and you have a poorly baby. You can do this on your own far better - what a twat.

Thanks
Rm2018 · 14/09/2019 07:32

Hope all goes well today your life will be so much better without him

Phineyj · 14/09/2019 07:32

Oh dear. On the plus side, sounds like there are 4 helpful grandparents. In the long run, that counts for more. Don't buy a house with him. Good luck.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 14/09/2019 07:35

Glad you've seen the light op, good luck for the next stage Flowers

CandyLeBonBon · 14/09/2019 07:43

Oh god op. What selfish prick. I hope you mean what you say about ending things? For the love of god don't change your mind. It won't get better. Ugh. These useless men make me despair.

Livingthedream12345 · 14/09/2019 07:55

Pretty unanimous on here OP. I completely agree. Do not buy a house with this man. It will get worse. Unfortunately too many of us on here have experience of things getting worse and can give you advice.
Good luck. Hope your little one is feeling better.

Juells · 14/09/2019 07:58

He thinks your parents are selfish for going on holiday and leaving his child! So he thinks it's their responsibility to parent his child.

Things will only get worse, I'm afraid. You're very young to be tied to someone so selfish and irresponsible. Don't buy a house with him. Whose name is the deposit being saved in?

DaphneFanshaw · 14/09/2019 07:58

Hope you are OK OP, I agree with everyone else, he is a selfish arsehole. He must have been getting to you for quite some time now for you to make a decision like this, even if you have been manipulated in to believing that his shitty behaviour is just him doing his thing.

MyOtherProfile · 14/09/2019 08:02

Thinking of you this morning.

I would definitely post this:

"My parents didn't conceive this baby - you did.Man up or fuck off."

Juells · 14/09/2019 08:02

I'm fairly sure that in the light of morning, and when he starts wheedling, the OP will overlook the Friday night drinking. We've all been there, it takes time to finally see how unfair a situation is, and make decisions for your own well-being.

But please, OP, take on board what posters are saying, and hold off on buying a house or moving in with him. Carry on the relationship if you don't feel strong enough to end it right now, but don't tie your finances to him. Separate out the deposit into your own bank accounts. He's proven you can't rely on him.

Good luck, and hope your baby is feeling a bit better today.

longwayoff · 14/09/2019 08:13

What a prince. Don't, whatever else you do, but a house with this spoilt brat, you'll regret it within weeks and then there will be expensive legal ramifications. If you can bring yourself to break up with him, do so.

LittleOwl153 · 14/09/2019 08:27

Definately split the finances - or clear the deposit account into separate names asap. His drinking will be more important than a house.

Also get your CMS claim in - I assume he is 'buying bits and pieces' for the child that amount to very little at the moment whilst your parents house your child!

C0untDucku1a · 14/09/2019 08:33

Just seen this thread. What a selfish arse. And what a shit parent. Can’t look after sick child as he has to go to the pub. I bet he will be one of the ones who wont lift a finger when it is not ‘his day.’

BettysLeftTentacle · 14/09/2019 08:39

He’s well and truly given you a view into your future if you were to stay with him.

Don’t back out Flowers

Jokie · 14/09/2019 08:39

Definitely agree with @MyOtherProfile.

"My parents didn't conceive this baby. Man up or fuck off".

NoSquirrels · 14/09/2019 08:42

He’s not your partner.

He’s your boyfriend and the father of your baby.

He’ll still be the father of your baby whatever the relationship between you both.

Good luck. Flowers
I’m sorry he’s such a selfish twat.

ControversialFerret · 14/09/2019 08:47

Good luck OP. Use the relationships board on here if you want further advice - lots of support on there.

A word of advice: be prepared for him to grovel and beg, and when you don't back down he'll then turn nasty. You can avoid all of this by blocking him, telling him that he needs to email you about access arrangements for your DS, and that you will not respond to any messages which are not relevant to access.

ControversialFerret · 14/09/2019 08:49

Oh and if DS is still poorly and you can't go out, can you get a very firm and no-nonsense friend to hang out with you today, just in case he turns up on the doorstep?

Original poster
mammyisainmdom · 14/09/2019 08:51

He text me at all hours insisting that I was bang out of order for what I said and that i'd regret being so 'controlling' when I cooled down. That he hadn't done anything wrong and that it was actually me in the wrong. He told me that I can apologise in the morning or I can get fucked.

I said well I'll just choose to get fucked now. That I hope he had a lovely time tonight because it's after costing him me.

I think that was inevitable this weekend and in the back of my head I knew it was gonna happen before I posted this but I just wanted reassurance that I wasn't tearing apart DS family over nothing.

Thanks again everyone!

OP posts:
flumpybear · 14/09/2019 08:55

Good for you - he sounds like a man child - puts the pub before his own sick child - really knows his priorities!

Wonder if he's such a lads lad that he is keeping up appearances too - which is dreadful too - he needs to grow up or just stay single and childless

Ekefox · 14/09/2019 08:56

You're not tearing a family apart. He's hardly been acting like a family man, or a man in fact. You sound like a great mum.

SkySmiler · 14/09/2019 08:57

Total dick

Foslady · 14/09/2019 08:59

100% the right thing - how dare he treat anyone like that.
Total knob.