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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why do some parents let their kids stay out so late?!!

114 replies

TangoPink · 13/09/2019 22:16

It's driving me crazy that my son who has just left school and started college has friends that appear to have no curfew. Its not that these are the kids who would have been left to their own devices since they were young either, all generally upper working class to middle class. Could it be that they are more mature than my son? That doesnt remove the dangers though!

My son is out with his friend group with no sign of them going home yet. I try to be flexible on curfew as I would rather him stay out an extra half hour than walk home alone and when he's at parties/houses I go with a general finish time based on the host.

Is it U to think 10.30 is late enough for a bunch of 16/17 year olds roaming the streets?!

OP posts:

wheresmymojo · 14/09/2019 21:03

I consider my parents very strict and I was allowed out later than that once at college. I mean another year and they could be at university and out all hours...

Imstickingwiththisone · 14/09/2019 21:05

My parents babied me. It made me really insecure with my peers and I moved out at 18.

HUZZAH212 · 14/09/2019 21:16

I definitely think there's a big jump between literally turning 16 to nearly 17 though. It's like the whole world opens up in the first few months of entering college/6th form/1st job/YTS. It can be a scary time if you are the borderline age bracket in your school year.

misspiggy19 · 14/09/2019 21:19

I don’t care that other people had 5 children and married and divorced by the time they were 16, my DC do not wander the streets in the evening. Gangs, petty crime, drugs, knives, anti social behaviour etc is all an issue. Pick up time is agreed between us for parties. I do not buy her drink either.

^I agree with this

LynetteScavo · 14/09/2019 21:21

I just asked DS to come home and he happily did. He's now asking me to cook him a meal and telling me all about what he's been up to. I wouldn't be comfortable with him being out until 11pm.

mathanxiety · 14/09/2019 21:24

How do you get them to socialise at home?

Buy a gaming system.
Buy tons of snack foods and food that can be heated up in the microwave, plus fizzy drinks or bottles of water, etc.

Don't make socialising at home a special occasion.

mathanxiety · 14/09/2019 21:30

I agree with this too, and luckily I live in a place where this is not a thing, and there is an actual curfew of 10.30 or 11.00 on weeknights for under 18s. And houses come with basements, which turn into de facto teen dens.

But if I were bringing up DCs in the UK or Ireland I would put my foot down too.

My DCs all learned to drive at 16 here and got themselves home from parties or bowling or whatever. Either they drove or friends did. If they were heading out they had to tell me their plans for getting home. If those plans involved me I was happy to oblige but I expected them to include me in the planning stage as much as possible and not spring requests on me 15 minutes before they needed a lift. However, we also had a code for 'Get me out of here ASAP!' and if I got such a message I would pull on clothes and go, with no questions ever asked about the reason.

Echobelly · 14/09/2019 22:23

This discussion does bring up what is definitely a genuine class (or really money issue). My parents never had to worry about me or my mates being 'on the street' because we had enough money to, say, go to the cinema, see a band, go to a club. I guess the issues are different when you know all the kids can do is 'hang around' somewhere on the streets or in a park.... and potentially look for or find trouble.

And it's why it's so important to fund safe places for kids to hang out if they don't have money and don't live in homes where it's comfortable to bring a bunch of friends around.

prettybird · 14/09/2019 22:27

That's a good point Echo

Maybe the reason I was never concerned about ds "hanging around on the streets" was that I knew he had "naice" houses (including ours) to hang about in instead

jocktamsonsbairn · 14/09/2019 22:36

My DS is 17 and goes to 'gaffs' otherwise known as house parties. You f he isn't going to be home by midnight he has to let me know. He also has to keep his location on on his phone so I know where he is. If he doesn't comply I transfer some of his data to his sister! It works!

Nat6999 · 14/09/2019 22:40

My ds is 15, 16 in January, he isn't very social as he has ASD but has already spent one night away independently on a sleeper train from Plymouth to Paddington then a train from Euston home. He may go out occasionally to a gig but I always pay for a cab home.

raspberryk · 14/09/2019 22:51

I thought this was going to be about 8 year olds.
PMSL at curfew for college age "children" !
My dad thought he could impose a curfew once when I was 17 (he hadn't before), I drove, was working full time and paying board so I kindly reminded him I was an independent adult. I moved out not long after.

PookieDo · 14/09/2019 23:27

My DD is 17 this month
She is in college and has a small job but she isn’t an independent adult yet. I am providing all of her food, home etc so I think it is fair that I get a say in how she behaves whilst she lives here. It is for her own good

The main reason I don’t allow park hanging around is that I began that when I was 13 or so quite harmlessly and spiralled down into some pretty bad stuff. I had no curfew and it was so alluring. It seemed harmless at first and you don’t always consider the consequences. You have a false sense of security with your friends around you who can also be just as irresponsible and there is no voice of reason present

although I think you need to promote a lot more independence, giving them complete free reign over their social life with no boundaries can easily lead to bad choices. You wouldn’t hand a 16/17yo £25k and expect them to use it very wisely. Like making bad choices socially, some kids would put it into a savings account but many kids would splurge it all on rubbish.

I don’t know how to tackle the park issue - I think actually many kids can end up in the wrong place at the wrong time and have no intentions of getting involved in anything but things happen - fights break out, someone brings some drugs to try or they become antisocial by pissing off local residents with noise litter and silly behaviour. Some kids locally here keep throwing swings over the top bars until they are all tangled and unusable. It is so annoying although petty. I would strongly discourage it and try to welcome them into my house/garden or give money to go do activities probably

HennyPennyHorror · 15/09/2019 06:41

How could I impose no wandering on the streets when that's what his friends seem to like to do?

You can't. But you CAN ensure that he's mature enough to avoid trouble if it lands at his feet due to the actions of his friends.

Trouble comes in many forms for young men at this age. Drink, drugs, fighting...

Make sure he's reminded regularly of what's sensible and what's not....well not regularly maybe but definitely have a chat with him about your concerns.

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