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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why do some parents let their kids stay out so late?!!

114 replies

TangoPink · 13/09/2019 22:16

It's driving me crazy that my son who has just left school and started college has friends that appear to have no curfew. Its not that these are the kids who would have been left to their own devices since they were young either, all generally upper working class to middle class. Could it be that they are more mature than my son? That doesnt remove the dangers though!

My son is out with his friend group with no sign of them going home yet. I try to be flexible on curfew as I would rather him stay out an extra half hour than walk home alone and when he's at parties/houses I go with a general finish time based on the host.

Is it U to think 10.30 is late enough for a bunch of 16/17 year olds roaming the streets?!

OP posts:
Waiting1987 · 14/09/2019 07:52

At 17 I was at university in a different city and living in halls. A curfew for a 17 year old is ridiculous.

Booboostwo · 14/09/2019 07:53

You are completely unreasonable. Not only do you want a silly curfew for your 17yo but you want to impose it on all his friend so he doesn't walk home alone. Go pick him up, pay for a taxi, or unclench, you are parenting an almost adult.

LagunaBubbles · 14/09/2019 07:54

You sound as if you are still treating him like a wee child.

BalthazarImpresario · 14/09/2019 07:56

When dc1 started college last year the weeknight curfew was midnight, that was purely so they got up without being a total arse for college. Weekends /holidays, no curfew, standard time home on a Friday/Saturday is about 3am.

Ragwort · 14/09/2019 07:59

It’s a tricky age 16/17, and no, I didn’t want my DS just ‘roaming the streets’ at that age, they would usually have ‘gatherings’ and then that would mean either DH or I picking him up, and taxi-ing various friends home, around 1am in the morning.
Glad those days are gone now that DS and all his friends can drive and they take turns driving home, but we were still woken at 3am this morning when he staggered in.
I think you just have to struggle through these years.
And I know some mumsnetters always like to say ‘I was living alone in a bedsit at 16’ but the only 16 year olds I know living alone are care leavers who have a very sad life.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 14/09/2019 07:59

I moved out at 17 and was living independently!

Even at 16 I didn't have a curfew, I didn't roam the streets though. I had a waitressing job and used to sit in the pub after until closing time (not drinking alcohol) and make my own way home on the last bus.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 14/09/2019 08:02

@Ragwort I wasn't a care leaver, I had and still have a very good relationship with my mum. I was just very independent and wanted my own space. I didn't go on to further education so I was working full time and could afford to move out.

BlueChangeling · 14/09/2019 08:03

Curfew was 22.00 during the week and 23.10 when in high school. Once I left school at 16 I was deemed an adult and had to pay keep, so I didn't have a curfew, although I always texted my mum at 23.00 to let her know where I was and if I'd be home

Borlotti · 14/09/2019 08:03

My son never had a curfew, but then he's never gone out and wandered the streets.

It's the wandering the streets all evening I'd have an issue with.

TheStuffedPenguin · 14/09/2019 08:04

At the weekend, 10.30 is early IMO.

MutedUser · 14/09/2019 08:06

You can’t give a adult in college a curfew you need to loosen the apron strings .

Merryoldgoat · 14/09/2019 08:06

I basically disappeared on Friday morning and reappeared on Sunday evening at that age.

There are other factors at play but I never got into trouble or any issues etc.

My friends and I always looked after each other and we’re all mid-40s now in professional jobs with families.

10.30 is not late enough on a weekend.

WhyBirdStop · 14/09/2019 08:06

I had no curfew at that age and was driving at 17. I had no curfew ever actually, and could be trusted to go home long before those that did and would stay out at fifteen to intentionally break them or at least meet them. If I was bored, it was cold, I could see trouble brewing where we were, I'd go home, I was in clubs at 15/16 and my parents knew. My friends just lied, they still went out. I was also waitressing part time while at college and working some Friday/Saturday nights until 11:30pm.

C0untDucku1a · 14/09/2019 08:07

In year 11 and 6th form i was clubbing! So out until all hours. Or staying over somewhere.

Roaming the streets is the issue, not the time.

Ragwort · 14/09/2019 08:09

Wax I know for some 16 year olds it is possible to leave home and rent somewhere, I am not saying it never happens, but in my experience I don’t know anyone who has done that.

Glad it worked out for you.

Runbitchrun · 14/09/2019 08:13

My curfew was 3am at that age if that helps?

anothernamejeeves · 14/09/2019 08:14

Bloody hell you sound like my parents.
They even went off on one when at 16 and at college I got a weekend job where I wasn't back until often 2am
They phoned social services saying I needed to be taken into care

PristineCondition · 14/09/2019 08:15

My 16 year old has just started college.
He has no curfew. we are lower low class though,so.....

hiddeneverythin · 14/09/2019 08:17

You cant give a 17 year old a curfew. I thought the post was going to be about five year olds

ohdearmymistake · 14/09/2019 08:29

At 16 I had moved out, was working and travelling. I think you may need to lighten up a touch.

At that age they need to be far more independent adult hood is just around the corner. Have you taught him the basics? cooking, budgeting, looking after a home (washing cleaning etc) how to be a decent house sharing person?
All these are far more important than a 10.30 curfew at his age.

gamerwidow · 14/09/2019 08:31

I didn't have a curfew at that age and that was 25 years ago.
From the age of 17 I was regularly going to clubs and gigs until the early hours at weekends (and occassionally in the week).
I was studying full time at grammar school and working part time in a supermarket so not a drop out either.
They're practically adults at that age I wouldn't give a curfew unless they expected me to pick them up.

mathanxiety · 14/09/2019 08:35

I didn't set a curfew but I made it clear that if grades fell or if they ever had to pull all nighters as a result of over-committing to their social lives they would not be given permission to head out until the grades were back where they should be.

They have to start somewhere when it comes to managing their own time, setting priorities, and juggling commitments.

PookieDo · 14/09/2019 08:36

I don’t care that other people had 5 children and married and divorced by the time they were 16, my DC do not wander the streets in the evening. Gangs, petty crime, drugs, knives, anti social behaviour etc is all an issue. Pick up time is agreed between us for parties. I do not buy her drink either.

Brefugee · 14/09/2019 08:58

I was always pretty flexible about weekend curfews (also we live in the middle of nowhere so there were lots of overnighters at friends' places)

From about 16 no curfew but the expectation (which is still in place even though they're much older, but they live at home) that I know where they are, who they're with and where they're going. also when they're coming back. Just in case.

OhTheRoses · 14/09/2019 08:58

We are through that stage. Fortunately at 16/17 the dc's school friends weren't out on school nights, ie, Sunday to Thursday and there wasn't any pressure. If they were out on those nights it was an organised thing, planned in advance.

Weekends didn't particularly have curfews but I expected to know where they were going, what they were doing, with whom and when they would be home. Of course that didn't always happen and ds was more challenging than dd and I am glad I am no longernawake and pacing at 3am because he hasn't checked in or getting a call from Lewisham High Road to say "I've got 3%battery and am waiting for the night bus so don't worry". One or two mums and I got to know each other well due to pulling out the old 2nd form contact lists and ringing round to see if theirs were with or at mine because the darling boys were under the radar.

Both mine had gap years before uni and spent some time abroad and grew up a lot. DS has lived at home this year 24 whilst doing a Masters - he chose to live at home, he didn't have to. He appreciates now that doors need locking, alarms need setting and that it's courteous to let me know if he's in for dinner or staying at a friend's. It took some getting there.

I can't say he never roamed the streets, there was a summer after gcse's where he was rather testing, but the boundaries were repeated and rinsed and repeated and he knuckled back down when he got back to school.

The 16/17 year was quite nice and I often had 7 or 8 in the house and was happy to order pizza and offer a few beers.